I'm getting so fed up and need to let it out...

Recently Charlotte has taken to screaming every night after her 6.30pm feed until she finally falls asleep - usually around midnight. Last night I had to sing and dance along to MTV to keep her from crying then OH comes home at 8.30 and does his whole 'I'm soooo tired' routine, and said he was going for a nap and will get up at 10pm to do his night etc regardless of the fact that maybe I might be tired too!!! (he is still on holiday I might point out here). So off he went to bed and by 11.30 I was fed up and he was still asleep so I went to bed. He must of come up 15 mins later when her crying disturbed him and by that point I just said leave her I will deal with it, when he should of been on night duty with her tonight it was a combination of being peed of at him and I felt guilty about him helping my brother out on my behalf so I covered his night.

Well tonight it was the same screaming routine and I tried putting her to bed at 7.30pm to no avail. OH did tea for 8pm and I left her to scream whilst I had my tea. Anyway 10pm and she is still screaming and I am starting to feel angry at OH that I am doing this every night with her and it is only me who seems to see the importance of a bedtime routine and her being able to self settle and go to bed so that I can have an evening to chill. Anyway, would it hurt OH to offer to do the bedtime routine or even ask if he can help / relieve me? No instead I lose patience and yell at him when he stands there looking gormless about to have his shower. He doesn't seem to grasp that it is not a good idea to nurse her to sleep everynight otherwise she becomes reliant on needing you to fall asleep and you can never put her in her cot. And who is it who will have to deal with this problem next week when he is working lates - muggins here. Is it wrong that my plan is to just put her to bed and close the door? sooner or later she will have to learn what bedtime is.

I love and adore her to bits and the rest of the time she is a perfect baby until 7pm and then its meltdown time - Is it me, am I being to harsh when she is only 18 days old or am i doing something wrong? She is fed, clean and in pj's and fully burped with some pretty impressive noises too. It can't be Colic after all it is the same time every night. According to the baby whisperer it is caused by a lack of routine and them getting overtired. I believe that this is the problem as by 8pm she was barely able to keep to her eyes open yet she still screamed for 2 and half hours more until OH took her and rocked her to sleep in his arms - argh!!!

HELP...

Please don't stress yourself out about having a routine, your lo is still so young, we've only got a good routine going for the last month or so and my little girl is 4 months old. If you relax a bit, your lo should find her own bedtime in time. Also, don't rule out colic as it is usually in the evenings that it strikes, usually at the same time. Your lo will learn about bedtime and start getting sleepier in the evening but in my opinion, (deff no expert!!), leaving her to self soothe at this age probably won't do any good and will result in a lot of stress for both of you. We had lo in her Moses basket downstairs with us sleeping on & off & coming to bed when we went, (in her cot), until she decided she wanted to go to bed at around 12 weeks. Try not to get to hung up on routine & enjoy the cuddles, you will get your eves back, promise, just not yet maybe!! If you're breast feeding, it's worth bearing in mind that apparently your milk is more nutritious at night so b'fed babies tend to go feed crazy in the eve in the early days. Good luck & make sure you get some you time, leave your little girl with your oh, (he'll figure it out...eventually & it's good bonding for them!), & go & have a bath. Remember, chilled mummy helps baby chill!

hi, 18days is so very young, try not to worry about routine just yet, her feeding and patterns will be all over the show right now and u'll be fighting a losing battle to try and change it, as she gets older she'll gradually drop into her own pattern anyway....sleep whenever she sleeps, and watch out for the growth spurts (first 6weeks are full of them) and above all, make sure ur Oh is supporting u properly and enabling u to rest when u can....just enjoy these precious early days and try not to stress, alck of sleep is a nightmare, but it will get better, but u need to give it time xx

just wanted to add, there's even less of a poitn to trying a routine just yet, as clocks go forward next week, so it'll go to pot then anyway lol xx

The first thing that struck me is that it sounds like colic. I should point out that (fortunately!) I have no experience of it but I have read that it occurrs late afternoon / early eve. Might be worth getting her checked for it? I think 18 days is definitely too early to expect her to adopt a routine though. Hope it gets better soon xxx

Just a quick post, but a lot of small babies cluster feed in the evenings, so she might genuinely be hungry. I remember we spent a good hour after a feed with Sophie crying when she was a couple of weeks old, trying to work out what was wrong with her, turns out she just wanted to feed more. They have so many growth spurts when they're tiny that you need to feed them on demand to let their bodies keep up with that, not leave them to scream when they could well be hungry.

I'm just going to be blunt and say I think you need to stop being so optimistic - she's 18 days old and needs cuddles and maybe feeding, not being left alone to cry; when she's a few months old if you have issues then perhaps that might be the way forward if you're desperate, but not at 18 days old.

Sorry, don't mean to be harsh but yes, you're expecting way too much. Don't put pressure on her or yourself, she's WAY too young for a strict routine. Just cuddle her lots and feed her whenever she wants - you can't overfeed a baby and I firmly believe you can't 'spoil' a baby with too many cuddles. Dont worry about rocking her to sleep, at this age she needs the comfort of being close, it's scary for them to be left to sleep by themselves. She'll just decide one day that she wants to go to sleep by herself and you'll miss the cuddles then, they're only tiny for such a short time. My DD was rocked/cuddled to sleep for every nap and every bedtime and it was lovely - until she was about 17 weeks old and decided she's a big girl and doesnt want mummy anymore. She pushes me away when she's ready to go down now and goes straight to sleep as soon as she's in her cot and I miss my cuddles!!

Hi,

I think you are being too hard on yourself and baby. You may have read the books but your baby hasn't!!!

It seems very early to be trying to get baby into a rigid routine. I know everyone is different and some people like routine more than others but she is still very young. At this age it could well be a growth spurt as the first 12 weeks are full of them and she could well be hungry. My son fed every hour sometimes at thsi age and it was hard but we got through it. The best advice I could give is to relax a bit and maybe put the books away for now xxx

First off, it sounds like colic. Believe me, I've been there, it is hellish. How is she fed? I presume if oh is doing night duty that she is bottle fed? We changed to aptimal comfort formula and the change in him was incredible at the first feed. I cannot recomend it enough. There are other things you try too. Talk to your hv.

Secondly, I really do not want to come across as a know it all b!tch but I felt really sorry for your baby when I read your post. When you said you left her crying from 8 - 10 while you had your dinner I felt quite cross. She is not even three weeks old yet. She doesn't know the difference between day and night, she needs to feed frequently and most of all she needs her mum. She has spent the last 9 months safely tucked up in your tummy. Imagine how scary the world must seem. This is such an important time for bonding for both of you. Hold her close whenever you can because it goes by so fast and I guarantee you will regret wasting time trying to impose a regime on her.

Our lo stayed downstairs with us snoozing in his pram till he was 8 weeks. At that point I started a bedtime routine and had a couple of hours to myself in the evening which was lovely. In the begining Jason was rocked to sleep for bedtime and naps. Now at 7 months he goes down awake, rolls about for a bit and then nods off by themselves. They get the hang of it in the thier own time.

Lastly, if your oh is willing to help out at night, take him up on it and don't be a martyr. My oh has never ever done a night feed so you are lucky indeed! Make you sure you sleep when the baby does during the day and eat well. This difficult time will pass

Agree with all the posts, don't beat yourself up. We didn't have a routine for ages until Lo was quite a bit bigger. The mid-wife at classes told us that you can't spoil a baby as young as this and that they are still adjusting to life "on the outside"! I remember how frustrating it is, when ours was this small she seemed to smell the dinner cooking and kick off, we used to eat in shifts and we also discovered that our baby swing helped to allow us to have some dinner. Sounds like colic to me - you could try some of the remedies like infacol to see if it helps. Our LO went through a patch of solid crying in the evening where nothing would help and they do grow out of it! Good luck hope it gets better.

double post.

omg totally agree with the others. your 18 day old doesnt have a sleep problem, your expectations are way off. you cant leave an 18 day old baby to scream! the general point for sleeping through seems to be between 2 and 3 months, and from the mums i know closer to 3. while its good to start a routine its far to early to expect baby to fall into line, mine only started going to bed at 7 and sleeping through until 6 at 11 months. a 2-3 week old baby needs a lot of milk / comfort / mum-time and thinking back to what mine was like at that age she cluster fed in the evenings all evening!!! and she is breastfed so ive never had a night off. move the moses basket downstairs and keep her with you for a few weeks while she naps. dont let her become scared of bedtime. and look at the baby whisperer as a guide. waffly crap that it is. why take a paragraph to say something when a whole chapter will do seems to be her philosophy.

you'll get an evening to chill soon enough without expecting your 18 day old newborn to self-settle.

I'm with KayCee - it sounded straight away to me like colic. Wind her really really well and rub her back lots, try to get her stretched out (my ds LOVED being laid across people's laps and stroked for hours, he was so gorgeous!) Also, nice deep baths help, hold her upright in the bath with you and it might help to bring up any trapped wind she might have. Even if it's not colic, it might be nice to do that!

Sleep when she sleeps, and I mean it - I didn't and it nearly killed me by about 8 weeks. SLEEEEEEP. Then the night times won't be quite so bad if you do end up snatching 2 hours here and there. At 18 days old her own little body is changing so immensely rapidly, any 'routine' she seems to display will be redundant within days as she changes yet again. It's so fascinating, but I feel your pain!

Teeny babies need food, cuddles and sleep. Is she sleeping enough during the day? She should be having about 16-20 hours a day I think, they jut sleep and sleep! At her age, my ds was being passed from visitor to visitor, it was a nightmare, and I didn't get him settled at night until I let him sleep enough in the day. They have to learn how to sleep, which sounds mad, but it's not!

Try to ignore the hubby comments, mine would speak before he thought and say similar things. Oh lord, did I want to kill that man! It's a phase, it'll stop as he realises more and more what you do for both him and your dd. I know it's hard, but try not to let it get to you, as overtiredness will make it so much worse!

Above all, don't pressure yourself. God, if I have another, I will be so much more laid back about everything. It's just not important to have them in a routine, and yes, you'll eat in shifts for what will seem like an age, but actually at 12 weeks you'll look at how much your beautiful bundle has grown and changed and you'll realise you're starting to claw back your evenings, starting to see a routine emerge and you're starting to feel more human!

big hugs, and congrats on your baby girl!

Em x x x

Is it wrong that my plan is to just put her to bed and close the door?

At 18 weeks old and screaming the house down? I'm sorry to disappoint you, but yes, it is wrong.

My son wasn't in a routine until 5/6 months. And even then it was a very loose routine. I gave my son cuddles to get him to sleep and it only took two nights of him crying for a max of 45 minutes each night to self settle when he was 9 months old.

I hope you can get yourself and your daughter sorted. And I hope she doesn't have colic!

My LO still doesnt sleep through the night at 18 months let alone 18 days.

It will get better, I promise but you have to remember 18 days ago she didnt even know night from day and had you constantly surrounding her.

Infacol helped us....I rememeber at about 3 weeks, he wouldnt settle until before 9pm and I was exhausted and couldnt see the light through the tunnel BUT....it will get better.

Good luck x

Haze101UK, don't want to judge what you're doing and the screaming sounds horrible, but it will be virtually impossible to get your baby down at 7:30 in the early days. Your LO won't know night from day yet and is still adjusting to the world!

We were very lucky with our LO, now 3 months: she began to sleep for longer stretches (eg 4 hours) at night at around 4 weeks, we were still putting her to bed at 11pm at this stage. She gradually began to recognise that it was night time as we always kept lights low, fed her in our room, minimal talking and put her straight back down after a feed and burp. At 7 weeks we started to do a bedtime routine: bath/ cotton wool wash, nappy and sleepsuit on, bottle, book, bed. She slept 6-7 hours at this stage. Her bedtime has gradually crept forward to 7.30pm and she now sleeps 7.30pm-6am at 3 months without waking at all during this stretch. We are lucky that she's a very good sleeper. I think this is what you're aiming towards, yes we do now have evenings to chill, 8-10pm is my relaxing time, but it's way too early to expect this at 18 days.

I think you need to lower your expectations about what your LO can do at this stage, and if there's colic in the mix as well that's a whole different issue so please have a chat with your health visitor. I'm sure your LO will get there in the end but it will be a while yet before you get that chill-out time in the evenings. Best of luck and hope things get better for you.

Also, it might be easier for you and your partner to manage things if you arrange shifts, eg take it in turns to cuddle her in the evenings for say 30 minutes at a time when she's screaming (or however long you think you can handle it), then someone sleeps with her 11pm-3pm and someone 3pm-7am for example (are you bottle feeding? We are and hubby helped a lot). If you're breastfeeding, hubby's job at night can be going to get baby, changing the nappy and bringing her to you with a drink and a snack, then putting her back and settling her after burping. Breastfeeding mums have my total respect for doing all the feeds themselves unless expressing! I could never really sleep during the day as I'm a very poor sleeper myself, but it might work for you. The main aim is just to get through the first few weeks and spend lots of time cuddling and enjoying your baby girl, this is what she needs most.

Another tip from a friend of mine who has a colicky baby, as well as trying colief, infacol, gaviscon on the advice of your gp, is to carry LO in a sling in the evenings, and put your ipod on with earphones while they're screaming... you can still make and eat dinner (standing up) and baby will like being close to you. I don't think shutting the door and leaving her to cry is appropriate at this age, yes if an older baby is whingeing slightly you can leave them while you quickly go to the loo/ grab something from another room, but a newborn needs you with them for comfort.

Try and see it from her perpective she come in2 this world she doesnt know and needs reassurance. My lo was down stairs with us in his moses till he was a good 8 weeks.
Then i started some sort of routine 9pm bed to start with a bath then 8pm and hes 20 weeks and its stuck!

My lo was in with us until this week now hes in his own room. He used to feed to sleep now i sit with him holding his hand while he goes off. A baby of 18 days doesnt know how to self settle. I wish all the books would lay off this self settling rubbish. It makes u feel crap when ur baby doesnt. I dont see anything wrong in helping ur lo to sleep they are only little for a sort time.

It is a big shock motherhood and i didnt start to really enjoy it till 3 months if im honest, partly coz lo was unsettled and had wind.
Things get easier dont b so hard on yourself and ur little baba.
I wore my lo in a sling while we ate much easier and more peaceful. Hubby had lo strapped to him while he had christmas lunch lol

Hi hun,

first bit of advise is to put the book away and I really wouldn't look again until your LO is a good 3 months old.

Like the other ladies have said, 18 days old is very young and she doesn't quite know what's going on. I think you're putting far too much pressure on yourself. I don't want tp patronise you or make you feel bad, but expecting a baby of this age to self settle in unrealistic - your just both going to get very stressed. Enjoy the cuddles an the closeness and you'll most likely find that your LO will get herself in to some sort of routine.

Good luck

xxx

Hi hun, I'm sorry it's a struggle at the moment but I'm sure it'll get better.

I did also think possibly collic so try and get some medicine for her.

Also best tip someone has said to me is, sleep when the baby sleeps. If your having naps during the day with Charlotte then that should help you feel less tired.

As for your OH, he is probably lost and overwhelmed. Rightly so may you be but men have it in their minds that women/Mum's know best when in fact it's a learning curve to all.

Take care,
Becky.