14/03/2018 at 11:07
ok, so where do i start without ranting on.. i really need some help..
to the outside world my life looks perfect, but inside I'm crumbling. when i first had my daughter at my initial check up (12 weeks old) the doctor said he thought i had post natal anxiety and prescribed me some tablets (that i didn't take..i nodded my head and said ok) he asked for me to return in two weeks which i never did.. all these months on and i feel like my head is about to explode.
i was initially going back to work, so we enrolled my daughter for nursery (which i only done to pacify everyone as i NEVER leave her) my husband got a promotion which has allowed me to work from home.. my daughter goes to nursery for 2 1/2 hours in the morning. all sounding good right??
well.. basically thats the only time she's out my sight ...ever!!!!! i pick her up every day and we have a strict routine i follow to a t! initially the thought of her going to nursery made me sick but I'm ok with it as i know exactly where she is at all times what she's eat her nappies etc.
she has had two overnights in her life and both times I've cried my eyes out. Its just too much for me..
things like birthday partys going to them stresses me out. as soon as i get the invite thats the worrying set in and i worry for weeks until the day comes.. like if they are at 12pm.. i stress as she sleeps at 11.45 every day. so then i need to get her to sleep earlier, and she needs an hour,, she can't sleep after 2pm or she's awake till like 10pm!! after her nap she needs to eat or she's cranky.. so much so last week i made her lunch and brought it with me in the car so she would be fed before we got to the party..
i don't like anyone picking her up from nursery, so much so i was ill a few weeks ago and my husband had to cancel meetings to go get her. my mother in law mentioned getting her once and the thought of it just makes me so so anxious i can't even explain it..
i had to nip to the office on monday and i knew i would run late so my own mum had to pick her up and my mum was so excited but since the friday before all i done was worry about it. will she sleep. will she drink her water after nursery. it ruined my weekend.
i just feel like I'm at breaking point. everything is down to a t. lunch breakfast nap times bath times..but its just too much for me now. i have dulled this down a lot but I'm really struggling. i hate the thought of anyone else watching her-i need to be there.
she's so sociable and very happy. you'd never know I'm like this but its starting to show. one of my friends who hadn't seen me in a while actually told me i looked terrible. I've lost weight and just feel so down. i do put on a good front.
i have the doctors tomorrow as i have stolen glands so thinking of mentioning it..but then again I'm just so embarrassed,,, does anyone else feel like this?x
14/03/2018 at 13:02
Hello hon, from what you're saying, i think you might be right. It seems like anything that throws you out of routine makes you anxious; i totally get that, but also bear in mind, you're going to have to adapt and relax a bit, as your little girls needs will change as she gets older - naps will be dropped, and habits will change, and somehow you need to relax a bit into those changes too. PLEASE please talk to your GP about how you are feeling - they might well ask you to take some anti-depressants, and there is no shame at all in taking them - they truly can help. Why would you not take them?I also think you might want to see about cognitive behavioural therapy - it can really help with control issues and feeling like things are spiralling (i've been through it myself and it did help, you just need to be open to it). So i think you have made a big step in realising things aren't quite right, now please do chat about them with your Doc - you can't go on this way, you sound really tense and like a coiled spring, and you don't have to. and you're not alone in feeling like this - i've been there x
14/03/2018 at 19:24
Thanks for the reply.. tbh I can't even remember writing much of this I am so desperate just to tell anyone how I feel.
I cant even look at myself in pictures anymore .. I feel like I've totally lost myself after being a mum!
It sounds so crazy but and I thought PNd was people who couldn't bond with thir children which must be horrible for them. So I couldn't understand why my doctor prescribed me tablets. Now I get it..
my husband and I don't go out ever unless our daughter is there because I just won't leave her.
its the routine thing I'm just like so so strict with myself..
i very much appreciate your reply and sorry to felt like this too..
15/03/2018 at 09:10
pink, i think you're at the GP today - please talk to them about how you're feeling - they are there to help you - get this all out in real life and ask for a prescription or help or counselling too. Remember it takes a month for the pills to kick in, so give it some time.
And when you're ready, try and gear yourself up for a night out with your hubs - you don't have to go far. Just have someone you trust, as best you can, come over and take care of your daughter for one night - just get yourself out the house for an hour, and try and ease back into things. It doesn't have to happen over night, slowly slowly.
I promise you, the world won't stop if routine changes just a little here and there.
15/03/2018 at 09:32
my app is today at 2.20pm.. I've asked my sister to look after her and I'd be an hour.. already I'm thinking god i hope I'm not longer than an hour. I'm alo thinking what if doc thinks now youve coped with it this long why has it took you till now ?
I don't feel depressed it's so hard to explain..
i feel like as mentioned above I totally recognise theres something not right.. and I suppose that's a good thing.
my mum and dad want to take my daughter overnight tomorrow as her cousin is staying with them and I just can't bring myself to do it. I just don't think they get it !!
Thankyou for your time ill update you when I get home from the doctors xxx
15/03/2018 at 09:37
But tell yourself this: it's likely you won't be longer than an hour, but if you are, what will happen? The likelihood is nothing will happen if you an hour and 15minutes, even an hour and a half.
So tell your GP what you've said here - your fears of leaving your daughter, your fears of loss of control, just get it all out. And also, you've coped this far, but also something isn't right. You know it hon. Maybe an overnight visit at your parents isn't right for you just now - start of small, an hour here and there, and when you feel you can manage it, then move to overnight. don't worry about other people undertstanding how you feel, just get yourself back on track. x
15/03/2018 at 12:26
Your right mrsg.. I know you are. even just writing on this has gave me a lift knowing that this isn't right..I'll speak to her and just get it all out I've nothing to lose xx
15/03/2018 at 16:14
Im back from the go and I told her everything she was great and asked me lots of questions!!
Shes gave me some anti depressants and getting a mental health nurse to call me on Monday to speak to me and see if some sort of therapy might help.. tbh I just told her everything about how i am with routines etc and I was scared about speaking to someone as then it's like scheduled app and I didn't want anyone finding out whereas tablets you can hide them. She suggested speaking to her and taking it from there.. tbh I didn't realise it was that serious but im
so glad I opened up to her and you both gave me a push to talk to the gp xx
15/03/2018 at 17:24
I'm soooo pleased you spoke to the doc and told her everything - well done you! The first big step in the right direction. And listen, there's absolutely NO shame in taking anti-depressants - i think i know more people on them, than off them! Speak to the mental health nurse, i reckon some cognitive behavioural therapy will help - it just helps you cope better with things.
Well done again x
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