I've been having problems with my in laws - first time we took lo to see them (3 days old) they had no qualms in smoking around her i mentioned something and so they went to the otherside of the room (hmmm.. sure that the smoke stayed far away from her! agghhh!), they have three other grandchildren and quite happily hold them and smoke with their free hand. Since asking them not to smoke around her they've started to treat me like a proper snob.

The other day my mother in law was baby sitting lo was 17 weeks old and she gave her a biscuit - she has never had solids before i was gutted that she gave her something I've been dying to see my baby's face when she ate her first solid and realised milk isn't the only thing that existed, plus she is 17 weeks old she shouldn't be having biscuits!! What makes this all the harder is that she is a really lovely person and just does not realise that these things she's doing i do not agree with i have so many questions about it all, Should i be more forceful and risk hurting her feelings and alienating myself from my other half's family? should i just bite my tongue and think life's too short to cause conflict ? (but then its my lo).

Me and my other half have had numerous arguments he's very protective over his mum and feels she is doing no harm "he was bought up this way". What makes me worry even more is that i go back to work end of sept and she is looking after Erin one day a week?

I feel guilty even posting this because she really is a lovely person she just doesn't share same views as me and she can gets really funny when people challenge her. it's got to the point where i'm making excuses not to go round there cos things make me so mad!!

I too have a MIL who means well and does things I don't agree with. But if anyone ever smoked and held my baby I would freak out.
I think you need to have a clear the air session about how you want to bring your daughter up, or you will be panicing every time you leave her with her.
I have had to do that with mine, She was a bit upset, but understood what I was saying and I said I know she loves my lo and would never do anything to harm him, but I am his mum and I need her to try and do things my way.
Hope you manage to get things sorted o.k. xx

ask your gp or hv for leaflet about what passive smoking can do to babies, i did this with same problem it shows u pictures of babys lung and what they look like when they have inhaled smoke and babes who have got sick from it, and its not nice. it migt be hard for you but if they smoke around her i would say sorry but im not coming round if ur gonna smoke in the house. i stopped taking my lo round to my inlaws because they smoked and i said smoke lingers so if u were smoking night before and i bring lo next day he could still get some so they stpped and smoke outside only now. when your child is a toddler and cant run about because has developed asthma and is breathless ur mil wont be the one watching her sffer an takin her docts every week, ur rite in not wanting to go ther n u shud jus open up n tel them. tel them ther welcome to see her wenever if they want to come round 2 ur place but ur not takin her ther as uv read up about it n its very harmful. x

I know it makes you feel like you're bitching when you write stuff on here about ils but if that was me I would have gone f***ing mental.

both Henry's grandparents don't smoke so I don't have this problem but it's not the 1950s ffs - there's no excuse for people to not understand the dangers of smoking.

I get mad if people in the street are smoking when I walk past with lo!

I would do what the others said and get a passive smoking leaflet for them to read, they'll feel bad you probably wont need to say anything after that.

When you leave your lo there can you say everything she needs is in her change bag?

It is difficult with as things were done alot different back then but she is your lo and things should be done your way!!

Good luck!

xx

Do not feel guilty at all. She's your baby so you have every right to tell them not to smoke near her and certainly not to give her a biscuit!!

You stick to your guns, you are her mother. And your oh should be supporting you & lo, not worrying about his mother.

Maybe you should all sit down and air your views, especially if mil is going to look after lo one day a week. You wont want to be worrying about her in her care. Hopefully they will respect your views more if you all talk it through.

Dont know if its just me, but I would have hit the roof.
She is clearly disrespecting your wishes as the mother! and she is also undermining you...and so is your oh. get him told!! until your mil can start respecting your wishes i wouldnt let your lo go back there. but thats just my opinion. and if ur oh doesnt like it, tell him to get lost as well. imagine being ok with people smoking in the same room as ur baby!! :x

after posting this on here, i actually realised how mad i was about it all and got proper angry. Me and my oh had very heated discussion but he actually admitted he hates them smoking around her too, he's promised me that he's going to go round there after work with me and both of us are going to express our concerns in a nice way - cos at the end of the day i feel its important for Erin to have interaction with her nanny and granddad but in a smoke free environment and to ask me before she gives her something to eat !!

thanks everyone for your views and support x

good luck hun. hope it all goes well!

xxx

i think you're in every right to feel like that. Also how can you be sure now that when you are not around she will not be smoking around your baby? I do not agree with that at all!
My OH's family all think i'm a snobby mummy too as i do things my way and not how they tell me too, MIL wanted to give LO chocolate at 2m and was very put out i said no, but she got over it.
Perhaps ask the HV to talk to your OH about the dangers of passive smoking and the weaning age and why it is government guidelines (they're not going to pick an age from thin air just for the fun of it now are they!) and then perhaps back it all up with some leaflets to show him and MIL. If you can get him on side then she may not be so put out if she see's he feels that way too. Failing that just explain politely that there is a lot more research done these days for the good of infant health then there was when she was a new mum and seeing that LO is your baby, not hers you would prefere to do things your way.
I think failing all that, if you cant trust her to look after LO your way, smoke free you should consider getting someone else to look after LO whilst you work, it may cost more but you cant put a price on your baby's health and passive smoking is awful for them. Even after having a cigarette the fumes are still hovering around their clothes, hair and hands for at least 10mins and so a smoker should not pick up or cuddle a baby immediately after smoking and without washing hands otherwise LO will still inhale fumes.
Hope you get it sorted. xxx

Although I feel the same and wouldnt want anyone smoking around Nathan I do think there is a generation issue. When I had my 1st my mum was a heavy smoker and we lived with her so unfortunately Lauren was a passive smoker, however as my mum was feeding us, and sharing her room with us etc I didnt feel I could send her out of her own home to smoke. My mum and dad smoked around me and my brother, fag in one hand, bottle in the other . I do have Asthma now but my brother has no problems so she blames the M25 !!
I think if your mil is looking after you lo for you then you cant really expect her to not smoke in her own home, also as someone said as she is likely to be smoking in there at all other times there will still be a lot of smoke in the air. Is it possible for her to come to yours to babysit? As a no smoking house it would be fair to ask her to go outside to smoke.
Dont take it personally that she is smoking, I really think there is a certain age group that just dont get it! It took a brain hemorrage for my mum to quit, and she still insists she's going to start again when she's 75, it make me so mad.

As odd as it sounds I wouldn't be that angry about the smoking as its their own home at the end of the day (however neither would I be happy about it either!) and as Mumdonna says its a generation thing. My oh grandparents smoke and we do take Gabe there. But not very often and not in a room where people are smoking. I would say if she gets stroppy that she wouldnt give your baby a cigarette and smoking in the same room is the same thing...surely going outside for a fag for just 1 day while she has your LO wont hurt?

I would be FURIOUS about the biscuit!!! Absolutely fuming. I had this the other day. Gabe is 12 weeks and last time I took him to oh grandparents it was "Are you giving him rusks yet"...Erm no he's 12 weeks old. If I left him with them they would probably give him food. But they used to wean their babies much younger, oh nan said the guidelines used to be either 12 weeks or 10lbs whichever came first. (And Gabe was 10lbs at 2 weeks old.)

Forgot about the biscuit. I would be really mad too.
It might sound strange to be angrier about the biscuit than the smoking but I do think that the smoking is an ignorance thing but to give a baby food at any age without asking is irresponsible.
Even at 17 weeks if you are weaning a baby surely it would be puree rather than a biscuit? And I would be disapointed that i didnt get to give the 1st solids.

I would be furious at either of those! Personally I wouldn't take Cole to a house where people were going to smoke in front of him - but its hard when its a grandparent though. if they can't smoke out of your lo's way though then maybe you do need to reconsider them looking after him. AS for the biscuit..that is out of order - noone should give a baby food without permission. Glad your oh sees your point of view and hope you can get your mil to agree to smoke away from your lo.

We've all heard them all say - we brought you up this way and you turned out just fine - But my answer to that is 'There's always room for improvement!' My dad quit smoking when my first was born coz he knew I wouldn't let him near her. I really appreciate it but I also expect it - it is dangerous for a child!

Here's what I do at any given occasion - repeatedly - I write it all down. I write the sweetest documents / letters with little smilies, etc, giving detailed instructions every time I'm leaving my lo. I just feel it's less hurtful and can be very helpful! If anyone wants a sample copy please email me and I'll mail it to you. I have one with safety, rules etc, and although my mil ad mom are quite touchy, no one has felt offended so far!

Ahhh... how creepy... its exactly the same with me and my MIL. Right down to OH being protective of her.

Basically i just had enough one day and said "Look, you might be confortable with it but i would appreciate it if you didn't smoke around my baby" I took Harry off her and now i don't let either of them hold him if they've just smoked. I also made a point of saying "no smokey!" to Harry infront of them so they'd get the hint.

Although we have had our arguments about it, at the end of the day it really is YOUR child and not theirs, regardless of how your OH was brought up.

Or you could do the naughty thing and do what i did one day which was to come in looking a bit glum and say "the doctors think the baby has asthma. The only way baby could have it is becuase of the smoke...".

Now THAT worked a treat.

I tried keeping my mouth shut and it just made me unhappy and my relationship a bit strained because i'd get upset about it and everything would kick off with OH.

I personally say, get it out in the open. If she doesn't like it she can shove it. Sorry to be blunt but its your baby. Not hers. She brought hers up one way and you want it another. Who's bringin Erin up? Point proven. :P


xXx

I found getting my inlaws to not smoke around my LO quite easy. My hubby and I are both ex smokers and really hate the smell of it and have always made our feelings known about this (ex smokers are the worst I think!). When I found out I was pregnant with Lily my hubby and I were given lots of leaflets from our health visitor (she came round to meet me before Lily was born). We then gave MIL lots of info from that.
My nephew has asthma (not a bad case but has it all the same) and his mother has always smoked so doesnt mind the inlaws smoking around him either. They dont do it when i'm their tho!

The problem I have is FIL. He has decided to try and see how far he can push me when it comes to Lily's diet.
A few weeks ago he was teasing Lily (then 5 months) with ice cream and I asked him very politely to stop (I am pretty sure he would have given her some whilst my back was turned).
On sunday OH was holding her and when I turned back round she was holdin the bottom of FIL's cornetto (the bit with the chocolate) and was chomping away at it. She is 6 months this week and has not had finger food yet let alone chocolate!
I was fuming but really trying to keep my cool. When we got home I went mental at OH for laughing. Fil had also been letting Lily stick her fingers in his icecream. I didnt mind this some much because she was just interested in what it felt like. But when she had the stuff all over her hands FIL tried to force her hand into her mouth to taste it!
Thankfully MIL stepped him and told him to stop.

FIL's sister (the matriach of the family) came to stay with them a week ago and told me I was cruel for lying to Lily (we call her water 'juice', it's easier to say) and because I wouldn't let her drink Ribena Light.
SHE IS MY BABY NOT THEIRS!!!!

We are going to Scotland with them all on monday for 4 days. Really not looking forward to it. Gotta take LO on a plane and put up with the inlaws. Oh the stress!

Serena X

i dont give LO juice either as he drinks water just fine so dont see the point in encouraging sweet tooth. Also i call it juice still as its in a 'juice cup'...just habit, harly cruel lol!

I would say if anything giving your child ribena is cruel, certainly not water. A carton of Ribena has the equivelant of 7+ spoonfuls of sugar, i think Ribena light is still around 5. Maybe you could offer to spoonfeed the sugar straight to their kids and see what they say then (obviously not really as not fair on the kids lol).