Family Life & Relationships <
26/12/2012 at 09:05
I lost my little girl 2 days ago, she was born the 9th Dec at 28 weeks, the pregnancy had been a hard one I sort of knew she wasn't happy. She had an extra vein in her heart but that wasn't really the cause for her to leave us. After a week of her being so strong, eating digesting and me being able to hold her, her blood pressure dropped and all her organs started to fail. She died in our arms on Sunday. I have kept it together as much as I can for my other 3 children, they are all managed to say good bye to her.
All I am feeling is sad and empty, I felt like my pregnancy was stolen from me and my little girl. At the same time because it took us a year with insemination to have her I feel I want to try again and that she would want that. I had an emergency c-section so I imagine I will have to wait a while. I feel so bad for thinking already about another baby and I haven't even buried my daughter yet, it will be this Friday. Why do these thoughts keep coming in my head. If anyone has felt the same way I would love to chat with you.
26/12/2012 at 16:37
Rosey - I read your message earlier whilst I was on my phone - but wanted to reply properly sitting at my pc. I am so sorry for your loss of your little girl.
on 30th September my little boy was born at 28w + 2. He survived 2 days, before passing away in my arms on 2nd October. Our pg was low risk, no problems of notability and all was good until I went into prem labour. No reason as to why I went early - and sadly they couldn't stop it from happening. My little boy had a huge bleed on his lungs and just wasnt strong enough to fight through.
Like you, the first thing I thought about was trying again - Dexter was my first born, so felt like I owed it to him to try again - that I couldn't just leave it like that and not try again. We were told by my midwife to wait for one period - so waited for that to go and I am 6 weeks pg with our rainbow baby. Dexter was due on 21st December, and I found out I was pg on 16th December, so pleased we managed to fall before his due date - to help us through that rough day.
Mentally I've felt strong, and have done so right from the beginning of the horrid journey this takes you on. I still feel strong, and altho I am terrifed of every thing that will happen in this pregnancy, I just have to take it each day as it comes - it's the only way I'll stay sane. I can't look too far into the future, as I don't want to get hurt again but we'll be looked after much more closely, get more scans, meet MW and consultants and possibly get a cervical stitch if its needed. Whatever happens, I know that I made the right choice to try again, and glad we were lucky to fall so quickly this time round.
As long as you feel ready for it, both phsycially and mentally (this part more important than the physical part for sure), then listen to what your Dr's say, take their advice with whatever they say and stick to their timeline - then go for it, if that's what you want, don't let anyone tell you how you should do it, it's up to you and your OH and no one else.
Wishing you the best of luck in whatever you decide.
If you need someone to talk to, please get in touch.
Take care, and wishing you gentle days ahead
27/12/2012 at 17:04
Thank you so much Ann-Marie you made me smile for your courage and new journey.
I am so sorry for your loss, Dexter is such a beautiful name.
I will see my doctor on the 10th Jan and hope that she will encourage me to try again, I know Madison would want that. My friend told me today that she thinks Madison knew that she was sick and that she came early because she wanted to meet us before she left us, I think she is very right. All through my pregnancy something didn't feel right, first the early pregnancy bleeding then the heart scan and then the feeling of tierdness and heavy feeling near my cervix like she was trying to get out. I had 3 other children from my first marriage that were simple pregnancies really, and then me and Mickael spent ages trying to get pregnant, I had some of my cervix removed 9 years ago after my youngest son so after tests we learnt that I would have to have a little help to fall pregnant. Its been a two year battle from the day we started ourselves to get pregnant and Madison would of been worth waiting for.
Its so hard to stop thinking about her and tomorrow when we lay her down its going to be so sad. I can't stop crying and looking at pictures of her but I know I have to continue to do this until I feel stronger.
I am here also if you need me, your journey gives me so much hope.
27/12/2012 at 22:23
Sharon - sending you strength for tomorrow. I can promised you that whilst it will be a hard day, you'll get through it and you'll hopefully take comfort in knowing that your little Madison is at peace. I felt a great weight had been lifted off of my shoulders after Dexter's funeral. We cried lots that day, but when we went to the wake afterwards, and we saw all the people that were there for us, we knew that we had such great support around us and knew that we would be OK and that we would come out the other side with them beside us.
Its still very early days for you and you'll get caught out when you least expect it - but again I promise you that you will see light at the end of that horribly long and dark tunnel - you probably don't think it right now, but you will. Your friends, family and OH will be the ones to get you through the tough times, and don't forget to cry when you need to, shout or scream or do whatever it takes to make yourself feel better.
The most important thing is to keep talking to your OH. Don't forget about what you both had (and still have) before Madison was taken so cruely from you, as I think some people put their relationship on the back burner subcontiously - look after each other, and don't forget to remember why you are together in the first place, that's so so important - when people get to the stage of TTC they get so caught up in the bit about the baby, they forget about the love of each other.
Good luck again, I hope it goes as well as possible for you.
28/12/2012 at 08:45
good luck again today Sharon x
31/12/2012 at 08:00
I am sorry I didn't go on the computer until this morning. The funeral was lovely we let of ballons and some poems were read.More people than I expected turned up. I still think the hardest part was her taking her last breath in my arms than the funeral. But I now have a place I can visit her even though I know she is with me all the time.
I live in France and not sure what they do anywhere else but we went to see her before they closed the coffin and she was surrounded by our teddys and letters from the kids and a cople of photos of us as well.
How are you doing? I hope you are taking it easy for the tonight, I don't feel much like celebrrating this year, hopefully next year will be better. I didn't even really nnotice Christmas surrounding everyone this year.
Have a Happy New Years eve
Lots of hugs
Sharon (r u on facebook?)
01/01/2013 at 11:08
Sorry I wasnt on a PC to reply yesterday. So glad that it went well for you, sounds like Madison had a wonderful send off well done you for being so strong, and good on your support to show up at the right time, and show you what you have around you, just like we did - I know that it made all the difference on the day of Dexter's funeral.
Last night it was just my husband, I and my friend for NYE - we stayed in, then went over to the green at our house and watched the London fireworks from where we were, I never realised how far we could see, and it was wonderful as so many people turned up to do the same - it was wonderful to feel the community spirit and made me smile as I love where we've moved to, it's certainly helped me get through the harder days
I'm on facebook, yes - I'll send you a PM with my full name, do feel free to get in touch.
03/01/2013 at 17:17
Let me know if you got my pm and I guess I will see if it works via FB.
speak real soon
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