Hi girls, hope eveyone is doing ok,

It's ten weeks since Darcey became a wee angel now and I can't decide If the time has gone quickly or slowely! Somedays I sit and think god where has the the time gone- I feel like just yesterday I was still pregnant with her and other days I am wishing my life away willing time to go quickly! Does that make sense? Also most days now I am generally ok but everynow and then something 'clicks' in my head and I feel awfull to the point where I feel physically sick and all I can think is oh my god, where is my baby?! How did this end up happening. ;-( it's just not very nice. I just remember how excited/happy and content we both were and now it's like we feel totally empty and lost. Like we have lost our focus... I'm counting down the days till we can try for another baby but then I'm terrified the same thing will happen again or worse-that I'll die this time, then I think most people would lay down thier life for thier children so how would it b 'worse' if I died! Oh listen to me ranting on! Sorry guys, we still haven't phoned SANDS yet, think I might do that tomorrow- maybe they will help me to make sense off it all in my head. How do you all feel? Another thing that's getting to me is that people seem to be expecting us to just b back to 'normal', and at the moment I'm still not sure what total 'normality' is. Don't get me wrong, we are not a total mess, we are doing pritty good I would say better than I ever imagined we would be. It's just not a nice feeling at all. RANT OVER...LOL xxx

There isn't much I can say but as time goes on it will get better and better. I lost my baby at 18-19 weeks through my pregnancy and that is called a miscarriage in this screwed up world because to decribe what he looked like he was just like on of those mini baby dolls you get he was fully formed except his head was a bit large for his body and of coruse he was more delicate than a full term baby. After loosing Gabriel in 2001 I was a mess and then it got easier and easier over time even now though a thought will pop into my head and I will get teary especially at xmas when I think to myself that I would actually have three children under the tree opening presents not 2. Even when I gave birth to my daughter in 2003 I was not completely over loosing Gabriel I felt all through my pregnancy like I would loose her and to give birth to a live healthy (except she was a month early) baby was just amazing I was in so much shock. I think having children after loosing Gabriel almost made things rawer because I suddenly truely knew what I was missing out on. He will always be my angel and be with me, I honestly believe the love between mother and child is stronger than anything even death.

All I can say to you is you will never be like you used to be after this event in your life. You will find a new sense of normal where you learn to live with missing Darcey and can live without your baby in your life. The best news I can give you is you will never forget Darcey and when your future children are old enough you can share things about Darcey with them. People will always just expect you to just get over it. What I found wierd were the people who were suprised I had to give brith to Gabriel. I was a bit like well how did you expect them to get him out?

Libranaster- I know I think it is so wrong that losing a full formed baby that u have felt moving around and kicking you is still classed as a miscarraige, I had a mc at ten weeks. What u must have went through at 18/19 weeks can't of been anything like what people imagine a miscarraige to be. I think it's not until 24 weeks that a pregnancy is considered 'viable' it's awful- babies have been known to survive before this point! I personaly think a baby is a baby no matter how many weeks along you are after around 12 weeks(i mean you go for a twelve week scan and you see a tiny baby, moving around inside!) they deserve the same recognition. It's the same with abortions I disagree with them ( although I know sometimes it's for the best) but I definatley think 12 weeks should b the max!

I just can't wait to have another baby but the thought of it fills me with fear at the same time. I will tell all my future children all about Darcey and just how special she is, I just wish she was here and that she would b able to play with her future brothers/sisters and teach them lots off cheeky silly billy things! And I know I will find it hard, knowing that I never got the chance to do all the things I do with them with Darcey.

Did u get extra monitering in your future pregnancies? Did the dr's and midwives etc help you with your anxietys or were you made to feel silly for worrying? X

Hi Celilidh,
I hope your doin ok.....i can really relate to your post i felt like this for quite a while i would actually say that it took me till this month to actually accept things about everything that has gone on, thats 4 months. I still sit and think my god did we actually go through all that and i always still wish that things could of been different but i think im going to be left with that feeling for the rest of my life now but like i said i have accepted that now. Try to keep your chin up hunni and i look really forward to hearing about your bfp.
Take care kat xxxxx

Yes I did get more monitoring in future pregnancies. Because I go privately I always have the same obgyn and he had me coming in every 4 to 6 weeks for a scan just to watch Emily's development closely. Everything was normal with her though so then they were less watchful with my son making it 2 months between scans. I am pregnant again now after a mmc last month, the same obgyn did my d&c for me so I imagine he will be a bi9t watchful atleast in the early weeks with this one. I am only 5 weeks and I am freaking out. Can't wait to get to 12 weeks. I agree with you about abortions 12 weeks should be the max.

Hi
Hope you dont mind me jumping in but I had to write about the whole 24 weeks gestation thing. We were expecting twins until TTTS was diagnosed. We had fetal laser surgery and one of our girls dies. She was 2 days off being 24 weeks. We had seen her in full colour on the monitors whilst they did the surgery - her face, her pink arms, even the hairs on her arms. Only she kicked me under my ribs as Poppy ( our remaining girl ) was sitting much lower. I miss her so much and hate her being described as a miscarraige. She was perfect until a couple of days before the surgery - I hadnt mis- carried her - she died of heart failure from the procedure. Luckily the midwives at my local hospital have been fantastic but some people just dont get it.

She is still inside me whilst Poppy growns big enough for a c section and then we are having the girls blessed together before they are separated.

I completely agree that the termination range should be brought forward to 12 weeks ( exceptional circumstances aside ).

Thankfully, we are still able to deal with Eve's death privately and are having a service for her at our local church, regardless of the fact that was 'not viable' at the time of death. We have a girl in our village who was born at 22 weeks and has grown into a lovely girl. The 24 weeks just doesnt seem right to me now.

take care everyone

Hi winelover, off course we don't mind u 'jumping' in... You are more than welcome. I am so sorry to hear about your little girl Eve, what a horrible time u must have went through... Finding out about the tts, going through the procedure then losing one of you babygirls. It must be so hard for u to keep strong for Poppy.
I believe Eve will be up in the sky watching over you and Poppy whilst playing with all the other angels, my daughter Darcey included.

Having them blessed together is a lovely idea, how many weeks are u now? Hopefully u haven't got to long to go until u can hold your babies in your arms and say your goodbyes to Eve. I wish u all the luck in the world with Poppy, hope you are doing okay, it must be so difficult for you. Take care and if you need to talk, you know where I am. Xxx