Right my level head friends lol

ok, so you lot tell me all the time, don't talk to him unless it's about the kids, but sometimes i find my self in spots where i don't know what to do.

 here's they are, can you tell me what you would do.

1. i see someone and they ask me to get ray to call them, it's important.

2. ray has a letter here that looks important

3. ray sends me a text that he was ment to send to someone else, that also looks imortant (he's half blind, does it all the time)

4. kids want to talk to him on the phone

5. kids do something for 1st time, or a school play or parents day

6. he texts to ask how the kids are

7. i'm stuck and need help with the kids cos of illness, weather, moneys/work, etc

8. i'm stuck and need him to watch the kids as i have hospital appiontments, docs, dentist, funerals

9. i want to go out with a friend and i have no baby sitters, can i ask him?

just thinking if he's going to do his "be a good dad shit" althou it probs be for a short time. should i use that to my advantage and get help when i need it? not talking about knocking about like mates, just i know there's alot of things coming up in my life and i have no help. or is this just setting me up to get hurt in some way? i don't know?

Hello Kristy.

 My opinion, and that's all it is, is as follows:

1-3 - you're not his secretary.  Do you want to do these things for him really?  By all means be civil and pass things on but if it's loads of stuff you need to get him to sort out his new phone number / address etc with the people who need to know, and certainly don't worry about texts he mis-sends!

4-9 - they're all kid related things anyway.  They need contact with him, and if you can rely on him for anything then yes, you should be asking him.  I think the problem would be if you get dependant on him for when you're stuck or want to go out, and he lets you all down again.  

 It will all shake down in the end, and become easier for you. Yes, having any contact with him, even just about the kids, is going to leave you open to be hurt so you need to get as prepared as you can be to not take things to heart.

I know it's a lot easier to say than to do!! x

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Hi kirsty 

i have to agree with above anything for the kids is fine but the other stuff is a deff no no otherwise you are still in that cycle of doing things for him that are now no longer your problem

good luck and take care

jean xxxxx

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hi kirsty,

i dont know the before/history of your relationship with Ray but from what you said above, i agree with the other posts. those things are not your problem, tell his friends that if they need him - speak to him themselves. if post comes - send it back 'return to sender' as hes no longer at the address, if its that urgent they will contact him in other ways. also if you are in contact with him atm tell him to change his forwarding address and let him know that you will no longer pass on mail etc.

with the children, and i do see this coming from a professional point of view - yes they do need contact and have rights to do so, however - you need to make sure this is regular and consistent and that ray sticks to the plans he has made. if he wants to be a part of their lives he has to do the hard graft as well as reaping the rewards. irregular contact will leave the kids feeling confused, which isnt fair for either you or them. can he phone regularly for time talking to the children? is he contactable for them to phone him as and when-ever?
also build up your network of either friends or relatives you can contact if e.g situations 7, 8 ,9 occur. if he had walked out of your life for good - then he would never even be an option - who would you of relied on then? think about that person, and then build your relationship with them so you can use them when necessary.
if you can (and like i said i dont know the history) but sit with ray and work all these things out, then i think that would be the best idea. he needs to know he is a dad for life - not a few months or until something else comes up, make sure he knows his responsibilities. and make sure you put the children first, they do need contact with the dad - but only solid, strong and consistant contact - dont settle for anything less!

good luck!! xxx

thanks guys, well he was out of my life for good at one point, when he was in prison! and in that time as he was locked up, all his family helped me out, but now he's out they won't help at all, no matter how much i beg or ask them. life was easyer when he was inside beleive it or not.

i think altough he said he doesn't fancy me any more, that he think's he can come back to us at some point, i think this is why he's being awkard.

the solitcor messed up the letter too! bit peed off about that, but ray will just ignore it anyway.

I don't know what to suggest as I've never been in your situation.I do think Ray seems to make a piece of convenience out of you.I would agree with Cat,no more forwarding mail or phone calls.Simply,not known at this address,or Ray doesn't live here anymore,sorry can't help you,sort of responses there.
The contact with the kids is obviously imporytant.Can you say have certain evenings after school or weekends when a phone call is arranged,however many times a week,so they can tell him what they've been up to,what ever.
Hope he's being more reliable with regards to visits now.The kids have to know that if he says he'll do something he will.They will remember the times he lets them down,it's his relationship with them he's spoiling.Can it be arranged that a certain day,evening he has them,so you can get together with friends,failing that,can your friends come to you for a girly night in.
I get the impression he wouldn't go out of his way to accomodate you,yet he seems to expect an awful lot of you.
As difficult as it is,I don't know how often it occurs,but you may just have to take the kids to places it's not easy to take them.Can't obviously take them to work.Don't know what you can do there.I'm lucky to have my parents close by,but not everyone is.
Hope this is all sorted soon.