What would you do?

My sister turns 18 this august and wants us all to go out clubbing. She has decided that my 2 sisters, brother, herself and I are all to go to a club for the night to celebrate. She also wants to go out for a family meal so that my little sister can come as she is too young for clubbing.

I have explained to her that i cant get drunk whilst still feeding Hollie, and she knows that since having Hollie i dont really like going out to clubs. I told her that i would much prefer to celebrate her birthday by going out for a meal with the family. Hollie is teething at the moment and is still often waking for milk feeds during the night, so i cant gurantee that the night i leave her with Ian she wont want feeding. There is no chance of her taking a bottle or formula from a beaker. My sister has turned funny with me now and says that i am spoiling her birthday as she wants us all to go out together. Am i being unreasonable here by saying that i cant? it is making me feel awful as it is her birthday after all and if she wants ti celebrate that way she should be able to. But i have said that i am not stopping her and will celebrate her birthday but wont be going out.

We had a huge argument on the phone earlier, she told me that Ian is her father so he should be able to cope for one night. I tried explaining it is only a month away and i cant wean Hollie in that time, and besides i dont see why i should for the sake of one night out with her. I aim to feed Hollie for a year before swapping to cows milk. I told her earlier she needs to understand that i am not this carefree person i used to be anymore and that since having Hollie i now have to put her first, she thinks Hollie should be able to cope for one night without me, but how do i explain to an 11 month old baby it is for one night.

Sometimew when Hollie wakes at night, when she is teeting, she doesnt want Ian and screams until he hands her over to me, what will happen if i were to go out and she screamed for me i cant just get back in 2 seconds. It is really getting to me, my mother has tried to reason with her but my sister just thinks i am saying no to be difficult and i am intentionally wrecking her birthday.

Sorry its so long i dont know what to do. Ian is with me on this and so is my mother which makes Ray think that we are all ganging up on her.

Bless you Karen, it is a tricky situation but you are TOTALLY right on this! I think it's because she's only 18 and not a mum yet so has no clue what it's like and how you can suddenly go from loving the social life to quite happily giving it all up for your baby! But with the breast feeding thing i think you're right again, theres no way you should have to wean her for the sake of one night and you'd always regret it.

Is there anyway you can compromise (even though i think you going for a meal is a good compromise)  My best friend Becky is going into town for a big drinking session next friday for her birthday, this is so not my scene but she does so so much for me there's no way i can't go but they'll be out until gone 1am! So i've asked my parents to babysit while Gillan and I go for an hour or so at the start of the evening. Perhaps you and Ian could do something similar?

I hope she's able to understand in the end. I don't think she's trying to upset you but she's still young and without responsibilities and is simply putting herself first.  xx xx xx

I completely agree she's only young and as she has no responsibilities of her own she doesn't understand. Its not as if you're shunning her completely you're quite happy to go out and have a meal to celebrate. We had a similar problem when Seans sister turned 18 she wanted us to go out clubbing with her but as Kai was only 4 months at the time and just starting to settle in his own room I didn't want him going to Seans mums and I simply dont like being away from him! We went out for a meal with her instead while my mum had Kai for a few hours. I think she was a bit upset but she got over it and if she ever has children of her own she'l realise just how much life changes.

I'd stand your ground if I were you she'l be annoyed for a while but she'l probably have such a good time with your other brothers/sisters and her friends it'l soon be forgotten about. Why not promise her you'll have a night out together once Hollie is weaned and more settled?

Thanks for you replies. She wants to go out where they live which means it will be a 40 minute drive there, so it isnt easy to just go for a little while and come back as i would have to stop over. Ian isnt invited on the night out because she doesnt want any partners there just us lot. And to be honest she has resented him since i met him anyway. We are very close as sisters more so than any of the others. But when i met Ian she feels like i have pushed her out and dont see her as much, which is true as i now live away from home. Yet i am closer now with Ian than i was when i was at uni.

Thanks Tasha too on your advice, i really dont want to wean her too early. I set out for 6 months but have since decided to feed for a year and am going to see if she wants to wean herself of when she is ready. I also feel like people are judging me for feeding her still. My other sister fed her 3 boys until they were 6 months and weaned them as soon as they had teeth, so she has told me i should have weaned Hollie ages ago. My mother bf all 6 of us to a year, but feels that because Hollie feeds at night i am giving her too much milk. Apparently we were only on 2 milk feeds at Hollie's age, so doesnt see why Hollie feeds 3- 4 times a day still.

So i either go and have to drag Ian and Hollie out of bed to pick me up, or i go and stop over meaning Hollie misses her bedtime feed, any night feeds she wants and her morning milk. To me that is too much of  a compromise.

karen you poor thing this is a tricky one but i totally agree with you there is no point of weaning her of your milk just for one night and you have tried to sort this out with your sister responsible but she isnt having none of it, it isnt your fault you have a child and need to think of her needs first at least you are being responsible trying to think of the best way for you all so you and your sister can have a good time also it is upto you how long you bf hollie for thats no one elses descion to make and its when you feel ready to wean her so dont care if you feel they are judging you because at the end of the day she is your baby and you know whats best for her

sending you a big hug hope you feel better soon X x x

Ahhh Karen i think you're kind of in a no win situation here, if she can't acept you coming along with Ian then i don't think theres much you can do. It might be a case of hoping it passes over and she's ok with you soon.

 As to the breastfeeding, please don't let anyone pressure you into stopping before you're ready, even if you both decide to feed past a year, it's your choice and you've done so amazingly well that everyone should be praising rather than criticising you! Sorry had a rant!! I think Ethan stopped havinvg day feeds at about 10months but that was his choice and in the end he weaned himself off b/milk 2 days before his 1st birthday, little monkey i was desperate to get to a year!!!! It's wonderful that you and Hollie have established sucha good feeding routine so please don't feel pressured to change it xxxxxxxx

i agree with you karen i would do what you are doing stand your ground you cant explain to a 11month old thats its only for one night and if she wont drink milk out of a breaker or bottle then what are you to do dont wean her just because people think you should

i think you have done a wonderful job at breast feeding im not allowed to b/feed due to my tablets that i was  on after having the children i was advised not to i whiched that i had so well done to you for getting this far i know people to give up at 6wks and wished that they had stuck with it  

Karen, I agree with the others!

Your sister is being very selfish, and quite frankly typically 18! She has no idea about yours or Hollies needs! Can you suggest that you 2 will have a girly day out somewhere, like going for a manicure whilst your mum babysits Hollie?

Unfortunately you will probably have to upset your sister on this one, but who is more important.....her or hollie??

I totally agree with the others Karen.

Hollie's needs are far more important than one night out clubbing, unfortunately your sister's just too young to understand this!! I think you've done amazingly well to bf Hollie for almost a year, i didn't even manage 6 days with cameron!!

Hopefully you'll be able to reach a compromise and do something you can both enjoy to celebrate her special day.

Karen i agree with all the others,ok shes family but your own family(Ian and hollie)come first now.

She's just trying to make you feel guilty for being a mother. What id do is ring her in the night when hollie wakes for her feeds,maybe she might just see how tyring it is!!!

Id be with you all the way on this about not going,im quite sure she wouldn't have a problem is hollie was a new born,but its still no different as you are still feeding which i thin is great you are still abe to do this. My nan BF my uncle till 6mths but he was born with teeth. No one has the rite to tell you how you bring up your child.

Hope you stick your ground and one day your sister will know what its like.

xx

Hi Karen,

 It's been ages! I've just logged on here for the first time in a while and seen the new look website - loving it!

 I saw your pic in the June issue of PP aswell - you're famous!

Sorry to hear your sister is being difficult - I'm trying to see it from both sides. It sounds to me like your sister is having a problem adjusting to Hollie now being your number one priority, are you close to your sister and would you normally jump at the chance of going out with her?

 Being only 18 she and not a mum herself she won't understand that a late night out clubbing is not what you need right now.

Have you spent much time with her since you've had Hollie? It might be an idea to try and organise a dinner out or a shopping trip or even a girlie night in or something, just you and her, so she feels like she's spent some quality time with you.

It's not nice falling out with family, especially if you are usually close, just goes to show how much a baby changes all our relationships, not just those with our partners !

I hope things calm down and you make up soon - life is too short to fall out with loved ones.

My Dad and Sis (shes only 18 too) were in car crash on Friday night - luckily they are both fine, but it shook me up and made me realise how precious my family are and how much I love them.

Anyway, I hope this helps, chat soon, let us know how you're getting on.

Kate xx

Hi Kate welcome back.

OMG hope your dad and sis are ok,and you aswell,must have been a right shock.

Hey Karen

Looks like you've been getting some good advice on here! Just wanted to say congratulations for breastfeeding for so long! It's difficult being a mum, partner and sister all at once - you get torn in all directions, but you have to go with your own priorities and what's most important to you. Other people will always have different opinions from you, but as a mum you have to decide what you want to do.

I think the compromise of maybe having a special day with your sister on your own is a really good idea. I know that my sister (she's about to turn 21) has no idea about thinking of anyone other than herself, and she is still very jealous that my husband and son take up most of my time.. she's always asking if i can come down to hers for a girl's weekend and leave them at home!! In time, she'll eventually understand what being a mum is about, just like your sister will.

Kate's message about her sister's car crash kinda puts things in perspective though, and writing this has made me realise that maybe I should try and spend a bit more quality time with my little sis, as maybe I've been neglecting her a bit in favour of domestic bliss!

Hope things work out for you guys and you come to some sort of compromise

Lucy x

Thanks girls,

I think i will suggest something we can do together as a compromise. I know she is young and so doesnt understand but she thinks that becasue my other 2 sisters are going and they also have kids i can too. The only difference is they both live down her way and one's youngest is 3 and the other ones youngest is 4 so it  is easier for them.

The other thing is that my mam has never ever offered to babysit Hollie for us, so she has never been away from myself and Ian. Yet my mam has my sisters 2 kids every weekend so that she can work because her new partner wont look after the kids for her. I would love it if my mother would have Hollie for a few hours so that Ian and i can spend time together but that will never happen.

Thanks for the response to me still feeding too, they make me feel like i shouldnt be feeding still and make me feel uncomfortable when i am down their house if Hollie wants feeding in the day. But i know what happens if i dont feed her in the day we are up all night becasue she is hungry and she gets very irritable by the evening.

Kate welcome back, how did you get on with weaning Lara? Yes my sister and i are still close and we have spent as much time together since having Hollie as we did before but it has lessened since i quit uni and moved in with Ian. That is why she resents Ian and Hollie because she thinks they have taken me away from her.

I have tried spending time with her recently becasue she is going away to uni in september, but she has been busy with her life so we havent seen each other much over the last couple of weeks. It seems that as long as she is occupied with her friends she is ok, but she expects me to drop things and run to her when she says.

I hope your dad and sis are ok xx

Thankyou Nicola, it really means a lot when other people compliment me like that. I am very lucky in that Hollie hasnt been too much of a problem with her feeding, except the biting, pinching, attempting to feed whilst standing and the problems we had at the beginning. But it is something that i now enjoy as does Hollie, and not something we will be rushing to end. I am really hoping she will continue until a year and then we will see if i decide to wean her or not then.

I dont think my mother and father would look after Hollie, my mam has always said that Hollie is a difficult baby and thinks we have spoilt her. She had 6 kids and apparently we all slept through the night and were perfect babies, so because Hollie gets clingy when she is teething it is because Ian and i have spoilt her. My other sister who also bf her boys agrees and thinks Hollie is occassionaly clingy because Ian and i ran to her when she was younger!!  It just makes me mad that my mam had 6 kids and so she should be the one who would understand that all babies are different and Hollie is normal not difficult!!!