whats wrong with me?

I know having a newborn is hard work and tiring wtc and even more so with a toddler, but as the weeks have gone on ive felt i can cope less as things get easier ive struggled more ive tried desperatly to talk to andrew but he thinks im having a go at him, im not.

Im exhausted but never manage to get to sleep in less than an hour or more once lolas settled i never want to get up in the morning but no matter how hard i try or how quiet it is i cant lay in.

One minute im starving then im feeling sick, and im swinging from overly happy to not wanting to talk and being desperate for time alone, to verge of tears then really angry thats usually because andrew had another strop though.

i know this sounds silly but ive only just noticed, i spent the day at mums today and had a really fun time with an old family friend but near the end of the day i just felt like mum roo n mums oh were just poking fun at me, and when i asked mum for advice about jacks strops he has every evening andrew blamed me.... said im useless and all i do is feed the kids then when lolas setlled gice jack toys and ignore him, i dont i adore my baby and i dont ignore him but sometimes i just want to flop on the couch and come on here or watch tv jacks is more than happy playing and if he comes over and climbs up i do as he wants and leVae him to carry on!  Ok so sometimes i tell him thats enough now and give him something new to do so hell leave me alone but i dont see andrew coming to play with him, i kno i used to alot but im shattered and i know im failing my babies at the moment i just need to stop feeling sorry for myself, im just lacking motivation for anythging and tbh when ever andrews off hand or well anything but neutral i just wnat him to go awayi dont want him to hug me i feel like ill break  and loose it i just dont know but i know i need to snap out f it for tmy children i adore them and im beoing useless i spent every day taking jack for walks etc when he was a baby keeping him active and taking every opportunity this time i just dread them waking up and the drudgery starting, id been really looking forward to taking them to a christmas thing nearby but it was cancelled and i feel like thats just the straw that broke the camels back please help me snap out of this x

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A newborn is hard work and so is a toddler,so together it can wear you down.This does NOT make you a failure.I'm sure your family were not poking fun at you.From your previous posts your Mum sounds lovely.Sometimes a little joke to somebody else can be insensitive if it hits a nerve,and it's not difficult to be sensitive when you're tired,hormonal and have a husband who tells you such unhelpful things.That says more about his lack of skills as a husband than yours as a mother.He should be supporting you in any way he can,not trying to bring you down,especially when you're out with others.If he has a problem with the way you do something he needs to deal with it in a constructive manner.Does he have any ideas to help you with Jack's strops,which are probably just the end of the day meltdown,they all do it.It's not something you're doing wrong.
You have every right to time out,and don't need to be hovvering over Jack "playing with him"all the time.My kids would hate me to do that.They need activities and toys,but there's nothing wrong with leaving them to it.If Jack wants you I'm sure he'll let you know,oh and it's okay to say no,not now.You're a mother not a slave to their every whim.They should be getting on with playing by themselves.
Drudgery describes how I feel just about everyday.It is all same old,same old,as far as chores and childcare go.Yesterday actually,I was buried by washing,a dirty kitchen,cleaning building up.Clean clothes waiting to be put away.Dry ones in the drier,wet ones waiting in the basket too long so they had to be done again.You had to be here to believe the state we were in.I went to the other forum site for help,cos I was too ashamed to post my state of disaster here.Some very useful tips from the ladies there,who all have families about the size of mine.Something that got me through the drudgery is the 15 minute rule.We all have jobs we hate,it's all boring,but if you do any job,just that job,for 15 mins it's not nearly so bad.You know there's an end to it.When your 15 mins is up,you do another.When that 15 mins is up you take a break,15 mins again.Then you start again.Gets you through the jobs that get you down.Another thing is to be realistic about what you expect to achieve.So what if you're not going for long walks every day,so what if you don't get to the bottom of your wash basket.As long as you have a clean germ free bathroom and kitchen you're doing okay.Clean tidy house,bonus,but not important. Remember we're all in the same boat as far as that goes,well some of us more than others.
Appreciate the things you know you're doing well.Who's feeding that baby that just put all that weight on.Who keeps her clean,warm and comfortable,and settles her.Who takes care of Jack,and does those things for him too.And what about hubby too,bet he needs a bit of looking after too,or is that his gripe,that he's having to help out more.
I think maybe men think we just come with a Mummy switch,and because their Mum did it we should be able to do it.Obviously being the insensitive souls they are they wouldn't even consider the fact that their Mum probably didn't find it easy either.
So,there's nothing wrong with you,Laura,you're just fine.Next time he starts just have the confidence to say well you're wrong.I do this,this and this,and I know I do it well and if you don't think so do you have a better suggestion.Deal with minor disagreements and stuff calmly as they come up,rather than let them build up and get to you so they all come out in one go which seems more like having a go and they get all defensive and you end up with a big barney.
I think you're doing very well,far from a failure,Laura,seems like three babies there.

Laura, my godness don't be so hard on yourself. You have two babies and a house to look after, you are doing a great job believe me.

I don't have kids to look after and just to get through the housework that me, my hubby and the two dogs cause I have my ironing done for me and have a cleaner as well!! I sometimes think that I'm a bad wife who should do more myself rather than paying for help with things - then I think no stuff it no ones perfect and everyone deserves some time to themselves.

So the fact that you do all you do and look after two babies is a massive achivement, after all I can't even manage just the housework! Sending you a big hug x x

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Laura, Jo and Cheryl are right, you are doing an amazing amount of work with very little sleep or help by the sound of things.

You just can't expect to get everything done perfectly on your own, and as for not paying attention to Jack I'm sure he would be letting you know if he felt ignored.  You are planning things and coming up with ideas to make him not feel excluded (like the treats in a tin when you're bf) so anyone can see that you are a good mother who is concerned.

 Like Cheryl says I can't get everything done in my house just looking after me and the pets!  I am sitting now in a complete mess trying to get the enthusiasm to start cleaning so it's tidy for Christmas, might have to try Jo's 15 minute rule!

Also, has it occurred to you that maybe you might just be a bit depressed with all the money worries, baby worries and illness you have dealt with lately?  There's nothing at all wrong with it, but if you can accept you're not superwoman maybe you won't put yourself under so much pressure.

 Just remember the most important thing is to look after yourself; if you're worn away to nothing you won't be any help to your little ones.  "Me-time" is not selifsh, it's essential!

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hello all,

thanx for all the replies, im feeling a little more myself as ive decided unless andrews saying something worth listening too ill calmly tune out and his b*tch faze will pass i have spoke to him and shown him this post and i think hes trying but afterall hes but a man and thinks of himself 1st so well see, he did give lola a bottle at 9 ithout me asking so i could sleep as shed had a hungry night and then she slept until 1.30 so im feeling refreshed after that! Jacks had a 3hr nap at the right time so has been calmer and when lola had had her huge 'lunch' feed i sent her and andrew on some errands (we live 5mins from town and he can run should she be hungry lol) and me and jack have just had a huge christmas pig out together with the christmas music up loud, discovered he loves applewood smoked cheddar!!! yum! even though it was just a, very, late lunch together its given me back my little man hes given me a massive hug and made me realise its not the amount of time i spend with him but the short amounts actually counting for something! Im feeling more positive, theres no doubt ill get weepy again later but now ive got it all off my chest had a good sleep and had alone time with jacks i kno ill get thru this all be it slowly, i do think ill speak to my doctor though instead of letting this simmer. My mums rang and said sorry for being mean yesterday, it had been one of those days where we were all having a laugh and by the end my hormonal state wasnt coping to great!

Going to wrap all the pressies tonight and watch music and lyrics with roo (my lovely mum subscribed to love film when i had lola)

really gratefull for all the support i receive on here, and hope your all well

i better be off me and jack are going to watch the snowman and father christmas whilst eating celebrations, naughty i know but we deserve it!!

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So glad you're feeling a bit better Laura.  Remember we're here for you x

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sorry to hear you're having a tough time, glad you've had a nice day today  we can't all be supermums all of the time - it took me ages to realise when i'm at home i don't have to be playing with ben all the time - he's good at entertaining himself and when we do play together we have fun..

you've got lots on your plate and it's just getting used such a big change - it'll take a while for a routine to get established, but i'm sure in a few months you will be fine.. plus you've got all those hormones swishing around which can't help. the others have given fab advice, especially the 15 minute rule - think i will have to try that one too! i had a meltdown yesterday afternoon as hadn't done any proper housework for over a week, but shawn's been really supportive and together we have blitzed the house today, so it's all done (until next time!)..

hope you're having fun watching the snowman and father christmas - ben and i have been watching ET, but he's got bored now, so is jumping around to cbeebies!

big hugs and hope you have a nice evening with roo  xx

Hi Laura, like the girls say I defo think that you are being hard on yourself. You are tired and prob have baby blues. It is a big jump going from having one child to two. I hope you are feeling better soon.
Pauline x

i know whats wrong with me, its HIM!!! andrew takes pleasure bashing my good mood out of me, hes behaving like a child! and im finding myself just wanting to be away from him more and more, Id had a lovely day and decided to bath lola for 1st time but as mum has our baby bath i got in the big one with her jack wanted in too so as lola was so happy i let him, andrew than has a sulk because hes gotta dress two babies (not at the same time jack stayed in longer) lola was well chilled and went in her bouncy chair while jack was dressed etc but andrew stil had to go on, you have all these ideas and i have to do all the work.... etc etc so any jack goes to bed and lola falls asleep so i go wash up but decide to quickly do my hair incase a baby wakes up i then forget about the bottles in the rack and sit down with a drink, he then marches through '' do we not sterilise bottles anymore'' i sigh and get up, oh thats it he sayes u f***** huff and ill do it again i tell him to shut up so off he goes, ''what have you done today'' Ive spent time with both the kids and washed up, what is so wrong with that? so anyways im loading the steriliser putting on kettles etc and hes all the while having his paddy and rounds it off with anyways your eithr to lazy or dont love her enough to even stay awake for an hour or so to feed lola! Spitefull as usual, after an hour feeding yes i ask him to give her a bottle she usually has 1oz or less and then settles its not every time but after being awake for over an hour i cant usually get back to sleep, why is he constantly bitching about all the decissions he knows i have a guilt complex about allready?? ive just stopped bothering with him he can sulk and feel sorry for himself from now on hes bottom of my priorities instead of me!

now hes come thru acting like noughts happened and is messing around WTF!?!?

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it sounds like a combination of baby blues as P says, and the fact that Andrew needs to grow up.. Shawn was married with a little boy by the age of 21 and he always says it's given him good training to be a better husband second time round (his first wife and son sadly died in a car crash when his son was 18 months old). he's very good at not letting all the little stuff get to him (whereas i'm the opposite!).

try to ignore him, he sounds like he's being an idiot.. and it's just crotchety griping about chores that seems to be getting you guys down xx

Men!  They just don't have a clue.  At least yours does things.  Mine is the expert on everything, without actually ever having done anything.   He knows all the time when she needs changing, but never changes her. He knows exactly when and what to feed Catalina, but never feeds her.  He will sit on the sofa or in front of the PC and shout that she's hungry, but can' t be bothered to go into the kitchen and open a jar, regardless of what I'm doing or where I am.  I can't even contemplate leaving the kids with him for more than a few minutes, I tend to come back to find "she's just filled her nappy" when it is caked on and obviously been there for ages.  His idea of looking after Bon is either to put him in front of Ben 10 and leave him to it, or get his mum round. 

MEN!!!!!!!!!

hi laura, it does sound like the baby blues and the more tired you are, esp with 2 the more its likely to affect you. I was far more touchy and tbh I was so lazy after ayesha was born I just ould not be bothered with anyone or anything. But I recommend going to you dr - female one if poss and explaining things. Try and go to a parent baby class or drop in together. you might find it alittle easier

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Nicolette mines also the expert... but on the one thing he possibly couldnt be, breastfeeding, i could kill him x 

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Laura,sorry to hear it's all gone wrong again,when this afternoon it all seemed so much more positive.And of course after the paddy there's no apology.I agree with the others,you probably have a bit of the baby blues,made worse by the big baby.He needs to grow up and stop being so unsupportive.Tell him the day he grows a pair of boobs is the day he can comment on bf,and I think you're best off just tuning out.He's only showing his faults by taking a dig at you.Must have been nice to have some special time with Jack this afternoon,though.How dare he say you're lazy?He's out of work,home all day,he should be doing every bit as much as you round the house.If Lola needs a bottle he shouldn't think twice about giving that either.
I do the bottles and steriliser in our house.We only do 2 a day and I still nearly never have them ready on time.I think as the others have said you're too hard on yourself.The only person saying you're not doing a great job is Andrew,and the best way to deal with tantrum is with a little attention as possible.
Nicolette,your OH sounds a bit like mine.leaves the nappies for me,unless handed stinking baby,plus mat,plus babybox(although after ten years we are making progress now).Babysitting involves being in the house with the children,but usually on the sofa,on the xbox,maybe napping.When the kids had a tummy bug once I had to go shopping,so left them with him,they were dozing on the sofa bucket ready.Got back several hours later,they'd been sick in the bucket but he said he didn't know what to do with it,so he left it there!at least he doesn't claim to be an expert,let alone dare to tell me how to do things.He is only on chapter 1 of the manual

I dont think andrew can say sorry, because i sure as hell have never heard it! even when he about broke my finger in the buggy, well it was an accident!! Ok so when i accidentaly kick you later because u steal the quilt i wont say sorry.

Dont get me wrong he can be lovely because trust me i dont put up with this for nothing, although there is the whole hes there daddy bit that has held me back from saying/doing some things, my dad left when i was 10weeks and although i dont want to know him never have or felt anything was missing i feel strongly about working to stay a family as my mum told me she could have tried harder i dont want to feel like that, if worst comes to worst i want to know i did it all, and trust me in 4 yrs weve had worse than this, much worse. and we always get thru, i just think this time he needs to change his attitude.

argh everytime i say something nice hes a tw*t again!! dont know just how much more tollerant i can be? as i can feel fine until he starts and then it just runs me down into a depression and every little thing worrys/upsets/etc me, well we'll see how it is in the morning, hes got a long meeting at jc tomo so theres light at the end of the tunnel if hes a brat i know ill get a hr minimum of him out and some time with the kids without being criticised

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I'm sure it'll be fine,Laura.There's always plenty of good to outway the bad.Everyone hads their fault,sometimes we just have to put up with them for the sake of the good and above all for the sake of the kids.I have been on the verge of his stuff in bin bags on the doorstep,when the older kids were little,but I'm so glad we didn't get to that point.I just put up with"his ways" now,actually have a giggle at how silly they actually are.They do improve with time and the change is worth waiting for.Believe me,it's taken us a long time but we are still together after 12 years,and I'm quite happy as we are
Hope the jc goes well.You'll probably find a big change when Andrew's back at work.Must be a huge blow to your ego when you want to work and can't.Not right to make someone else feel small,but I doubt that's his intention.Probably says it without thinking about the hurt he's causing,then forgets about it.He obviously doesn't mean it and hasn't really thought about what he's said if it's that easily forgotten.It's also very hard spending all day every day in someone else's company,how ever much you love them.Don't let it wear you down.
You're doing a great job,and things will get easier over the coming weeks and months.

Had a better day but it usually around 6 all the children have there paddys so im ready and waiting, both babies are settling and sleeping well now, lola slept 5 1/2 hrs!!!

The jc are timewasters, hes got to go to a meeting everyweek for 6weeks for 1hr, to see why he cant find a job... erm well there are none! Only offer hes had was working 6nights a week sorry but i know beggars cant be choosers but id rather end up living back at mums than have him working nights with 2 babies hed never see and hed be sooo grumpy, its simply not an option,

How are your lot jo, are they enjoying there holidays? I cant wait for jack to get excited and be able to watch the films do crafts etc! Oh and have you made your tablet yet??

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Hi,Laura.Hope the paddies and whatnot are over for the night.We're having a few of them right now.Arthur's turned back into a two year old.Think he's suffering with the stress of Christmas.He doesn't do change well,so it's a case of do whatever he needs to get him through it.He's being assessed for ASD,(Autistic Spectrum Disorder).Sometimes you'd think there was nothing wrong.The last week of school was full of treats,parties,nativity,even a visit from FC himself.Most kids would love it.Then,to make it worse I left him with Darren a few times so I could get on.All in all rather unsettling.I was feeding a nearly 4 year old tinned spagetti off a spoon for his tea last night.Anyway,I'm sure it'll all settle down.
Haven't done me tablet yet,or the crispy cakes,for the reason above basically,my clingon.Kids are all in bed early tonight,so I might just get cracking.Be a nice surprise for them in the morning.Haven't got the energy for an all-nighter though.
Sorry Andrew had no joy with the jc.They can give you bum jobs.I picked up three in one day once,when Harry was a baby.9:30-2:30 fruit packing.I learnt what "bored to tears "really meant doing that one.I had afternoons with Harry,then 7-10pm did an ironing delivery round,3 nights a week.Oh and just to top it off a traffic counting one outside Asdas.Little clicker with 2 buttons.Click left when a car turns left,right when it turns right.I hope something turns up for Andrew soon.

hope you've had a better day today Laura, I think Jo's right - spending 24 hours a day with the same person can drive you nuts no matter how much you love them!! once he gets a job i'm sure he'll sort himself out.. hope you can last til then. sorry the jobcentre were useless. Shawn ended up sending hundreds of copies of cvs to recruitment consultants all over the place, and eventually found somewhere he liked doing something he likes.. the job centre were useless with him too.

I have to say when I was made redundant a few years ago, I went into the JC for help with getting a new job and they were just rubbish, insisted on making me an appointment then didn't listen to me at all as they were convinced I was trying to get benefits when I was quite happy temping for living money. All I wanted was help in finding a permanent f/t job that was close to home and enjoyable, couldn't quite get them to understand that though!

So I can sympathise, it's a rotten time to be out of work, and I know my OH is a nightmare to live with when work is not going well or things are rocky (i.e. now! It's a good job he's working away or we'd be at each other's throats I'm sure) so it must be doubly bad when you're both stuck at home with no transport.

Fingers crossed 2009 is a better year for you both x

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