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03/06/2013 at 09:43
Now, before I was in this situation I thought.
1. Had to be with them for 6-12 months first.
2. Had to be certain it was a long term/in love/the one
3. Had to have him checked out
4. Staying over is a no no initially
But now, I dunno. I'm living with mum so currently it's not an issue, built in babysitter, but soon (4 weeks) I'll be in my own place and have to consider what's going to happen if I want to keep seeing him. We have discussed it but let's say it was inconclusive. We are not currently boyfriend/girlfriend and we've agreed we need to be at least that for the children to meet. My children are 10 & 1. If they were toddlers sometimes I think that'd be easier, but A being ten, she'll be more aware.
Any advice? Experience? As a single mum or as a child? My adult friend often says 'one of her step dads' came to visit, she had so many as a child. It makes me sad. Her relationship history is a direct (negative) result of it I'm sure.
03/06/2013 at 09:51
Can he not just be a friend? It's not like you'll be snogging and the like in front of A, just don't have him sleep over so you wake up together, or he leaves early doors. I think until it's serious and a confirmed relationship this is the best way.
03/06/2013 at 10:18
With my H, when we first got together, we would always go out so that he never came to the house at first, then when he did, it was only for a short time and I introduced him as my "friend", then we just progressed to him coming round a little more often and then I sat down with A asking what he thought of Richard and about me and him being boyfriend and girlfriend, he was happy with this as he had seen Richard a few times by now etc.
Forgot to say A was about 5yrs when we first got together.
03/06/2013 at 10:24
WBelleS. A friend is the best suggestion until your relationship develops into something more
03/06/2013 at 10:31
I agree with what the others have said about introducing as a friend and don't have him round too much so he's hogging all your time. I only say that because this is what sil is doing with her boyfriend and her two young boys and it doesn't seem right. With us N was only 1 and H and I lived about 2 hours away from each other so we only saw each other every other weekend anyway. It was easy with N being so young as it was a gradual process and he didn't understand so when it came to moving in with him it felt natural as we'd been spending more and more time together.
03/06/2013 at 10:32
What Belle says, no pressure on anyone that way x
03/06/2013 at 10:33
I think wbelles. I was v much like you in thinking 6-12 months but then I thought what if here sny like the kids or they don't like him nd I wait 12 months and just wasted that time. And getting caught up in the emotions too. So we went for 6 weeks but as friends and didnt sleep over. Though we did move fairly quickly after that as a year later I'd upped sticks and moved an or away to be with him. The boys were almost 5 and almost 7.
03/06/2013 at 10:52
Deafinately start by introducing as a friend, also have you talked to the 10 year old about the possibility of mummy maybe having a boyfriend one day? I only ask as when my sister started dating she spoke to her 2 about maybe mummy having a boyfriend one day.
Deafinately do not introduce friend/ boyfriend at a major family event, same sister got a bit swept away by new BF situation and he was introducced on christmas day when he arrived for dinner, although he was introduced as a friend it was stressful for all as non of the family had met him previously.
Deafinatly make sure you still have pleanty of time with girls on your own still as this caused lots of issues for the older of sister kids as she wasn't great at sharing attention.
03/06/2013 at 11:02
My parents split up when I was 13 so a bit older than your eldest, but my mum used to have "friends" over and they never stayed the night. I didn't have much to do with them and that was fine with me. I think the problem arises if you start including them in "family" activities, and then if you break up it's a loss to the child as well as to you. I never got to know my mum's "friends" well enough to miss them or have it affect me when they broke up.
03/06/2013 at 11:40
03/06/2013 at 13:11
When the children live with you for 99% of the time I think it would be hard to build a relationship with someone but not introduce them for 6 months as that would really reduce the time you have with the new someone. (I can see where you are coming from though). And also your children are very much part of you.
As others have said, keep it casual and see how it goes. The only thing I would say, is no matter how much you introduce them as a friend, be prepared for your ex to hear about it pretty quickly and even ask the question as to who he is (obviously I don't know your H, his circumstances or whether he would ask etc). I met my H when his little boy F was just over 2 but didn't spend much time with him for first 6 months or so (H would see him every other weekend) but when I started spending a bit more time with H and his son (only during the day etc), very quickly H's ex asked who I was just because my name had come up a couple of times in conversation when F was telling his Mum what he had been doing. My step son (F) is now nearly 10 (so similar age to your older one) and it was the same around christmas time he mentioned a man's name a few times and things they done etc so it was no surprise when a couple of weeks later H's ex told H that she had a new boyfriend.
Also given your oldest daughter's age I think be prepared for her to ask questions and be as honest as you can with her. I've never been in your situation but you are entitled to have fun and enjoy yourself, who knows this could be someone that may be around for a long time, but only time will tell and part of it is getting to know your children as well as you.
03/06/2013 at 13:21
Introduce him as a friend.
When I split from my ex, I had a "friend". Luckily, C never thought anything of it, as 90% of my friends are male anyway, and there were always men (and women, ha) popping over, sometimes crashing at mine. When I introduced C to my ex fiancé, we had been "seeing" each other for 10 months before they met.
When I introduced C to H, it started off the same, as "friends", then boyfriend and girlfriend. H introduced me to his kids as his girlfriend first time I met them, but i'd talked to them on the phone a fair bit before meeting them.
03/06/2013 at 13:57
Thank you everyone.
I'm stick in traffic at the mo but will reply properly later.
04/06/2013 at 07:02
I'm really glad I asked. Great advice, thank you, it's really helped. I know it sounds silly but I always thought the friend thing was lying. Something I'm so against because of what's happened. But actually he is my friend so I'm thinking that's the way to go.
In fact, when she saw me texting tonight she said 'who are you texting?' and I said 'name'. She asked who that was, I said a friend, she said,
'Aw mum, can't you just make him your boyfriend? He is a boy and your friend already?'
I adore that kid.
Thanks again everyone x
04/06/2013 at 07:11
Ah that's sweet, at least she's open to the idea.
04/06/2013 at 07:12
Haha, bless her.
I think as parents, we over think things, in an attempt to protect our children. Really, they seem to be more understanding/accepting than we assume they will be.
When I was getting ready to introduce H to C, I told C that "Mummys new friend is coming over today", first question was "does he like playing on the Wii?"
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