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28/05/2013 at 07:45
Original Post Deleted.
Update- the doctor has said she has no cause for concern regarding the injection. She spoke to her mw who has dated her at 6 weeks not 7. She has her booking in apt next week and then scan will be mid July. I think the family now need to accept that she is going ahead with this. I can honestly say she sounded excited on the phone. I did however, tell her off a little as she has not been keeping her mum updated. I don't think she realises how much she is going to need her mum and any disagreements they have no need to be brushed aside. We have a new addition to welcome in January.
28/05/2013 at 08:00
Ultimately this is her decision and she will have to live with that decision whatever it may be. I know you have been asked to give support and you've been doing a great job, you shouldn't have to bear this sort of responsibility. I don't know what more you can say to her about how hard it is bringing children up, studying, relationship with potential to go wrong, renting a flat with little money etc. If she is very naive and immature it sounds like any advice would fall on deaf ears. Does she genuinely want this baby? Does she sound like she loves him/her already or has she just done this because she's bored or didn't think it through? (I know that sounds horribly flippant but you said previously she was thinking of trying and then got the injection). I feel for you and her parents as well, they are obviously taking it really hard.
When I got pregnant with N it was a huge shock but I was happy and excited and knew I'd be a good mum regardless of the fact I was quite a naive 24 year old! I started saving money, paying off small debts, thought vaguely about work after he was born and therefore childcare and costs etc. Has she really looked into it?
28/05/2013 at 08:07
LB- I genuinely think this has been done for attention. She has had pregnancy announcements from party BIL, us, her other brother (with her best friend but she miscarried last week) and then with focus on this 'wedding' in September I honestly think this is her way of saying 'hey, look at me'. I don't know if she loves this baby, perhaps she thinks she does. Every piece of advise that is against having this baby falls on deaf ears, that's very true. H has referred to her as a 'lost cause' because she just will not listen to anyone. She has not looked into anything. She can't save anything- relies on her parents to fill her car with petrol, flitters away any income she does have on clothes, make up, going out with friends, etc. She has already stated she expects childcare to be free (MIL) It all really really worries me.
28/05/2013 at 08:14
In that case maybe you can send her an email in a 'friendly helpful' way some places for childcare near her and the costs, maybe put some of the main baby items on there or list some websites like kiddicare, babies r us etc and show her the actual costs of things. You'd have to do it so you weren't lecturing but just a 'oh I saw this and thought you'd like it' and 'here's a nursery right by college/uni and they 'only' charge xx amount per day' etc. I don't know what else you can do.
28/05/2013 at 08:19
Thanks LB x
28/05/2013 at 08:20
It's so difficult and it has to be her decision. I don't think its fair personally to judge her current state as her mommy state.
18 Months ago me and H were hugely irresponsible only looking for each other, babies didn't interest me and my cousin wouldn't even let me baby sit my own goddaughter. Still now I struggle to maintain interest in another baby but E. However she completely changed both me and H.
Remember pregnancy forces you to slow down. And imo you can't comprehend a situation until you're in it. I thought I'd easily study with E and I know someone else in our Tri must have thought similar. What I'm saying is, give her a chance at being mom to her child before you write her off. As I say if you saw mine and Hs life perhaps two years back you'd have written me off too. Now, well I don't think I'm/ we're doing too bad.
28/05/2013 at 08:33
I'm not sure I have an constructive advice to offer, but.........could it be that this will be the 'making' of her? Having a child may actually force her to grow up? Deferring uni isnt that big a deal, even if she looked at it again when the child went to school she'd only be 25/26, that is where being young has it advantages.
28/05/2013 at 08:53
She may surprise you.
If you saw me as I was just before I became pg with C, you'd think I was unfit to ever be a Mother. 17, drinking too much, using my Mums house like a hotel, spending all my Money on booze, clothes and piercings... I never wanted kids, refused to even hold my nieces and nephews when they were born.
Having C changed me. I grew up (a bit, ha), my priorities changed, and I became a Mum I thought i'd never be. People thought i'd make a cr@p Mum, but I had my family behind me through it all.
Living at home, young, selfish... How could I possibly raise a child? They were wrong. They didn't know I had it in me to be a Mum, and a bl00dy good one at that. I had people doubt me, it made me determined to prove them wrong.
Having C at 18 wasn't ideal, but he was the making of me. He gave my life focus. I know one thing, and that is that I wouldn't have been able to do it without my family for support. I could deal with outsiders judging me, doubting me. If my family had doubted me, i'd have been crushed.
I doubt my family were happy with me being pg so young, but not once did anyone say they were disappointed in me, that I wouldn't cope etc etc. That attitude just isn't helpful or constructive at all. More than anything, she needs support, even if you think she is being stupid.
28/05/2013 at 08:55
Oh WS I really feel for you being put in this situation. Sorry but I really don't think it sounds like she should have this child. I'd never just tell someone to abort but there are young mums and then there are young mums, having a baby doesn't always cause you to grow up and be responsible unfortunately (at any age I might add) and then it's the babies/children who suffer for it. She sounds like she wants the attention not the baby.
I think LB's suggestion is excellent. Send her "helpful" long lists of baby things with prices. Make sure MIL tells her childcare will not be free. Either she will realise she doesn't want the baby, or she'll realise she does and is willing to sort herself out for it.
LM- I'm not sure you and your H compare to this situation. H and I were very similar when we found out about E- we lived a fast paced, social life and babies were the last thing on our minds. You were both in a stable relationship, had good jobs, etc. These two don't have jobs as such (they work part time, SIL because she needs to complete a degree to move into the field she wants to and him, because he failed his hairdressing qualifications and now 'doesn't know what to do'... Of course we will give her a chance if this goes ahead, but having seen her always start something and never finish it (school, college, jobs, etc) I am so concerned that this will happen with the baby too. I really hope it will be the making of her (and even him)
PC- I really hope so. That's how I tried to look at it when she told us on Friday. I felt that the family were overreacting, etc but as I'm the one speaking to her frequently, I'm starting to worry too. I want this to work for her so so much. I know deferring uni isn't an issue, but what does she do in the mean time? She has not thought about these things. Her attitude is 'this baby will be loved', that's fine but it also needs milk, nappies, a cot, etc...
Gah, I wish she wasn't in this situation
28/05/2013 at 08:58
Oh WS, what a hard situation you've all found yourselves in. You never know, but the baby might be the best thing to ever happen to your SIL. It will force her to grow up and face her responsibilities. In years to come you might all be thinking thank goodness little baby came along when he/she did because it made SIL into such a better person. My best friend had her first baby when she was 21. I was 20 at the time and regularly babysat when baby was still very young. I would never have dreamed of going for a sleep with the door closed while baby was somewhere else in the house, regardless of who else was there with me. That's not an age thing, that's just common sense and maybe when SIL is responsible for her own baby that common sense will kick in like a lightening bolt.
You could suggest to her that her BF might like to meet her parents? (or do you think it's too soon for your PIL to have that thrust upon them?) How have her BF's parents reacted?
Encourage her to move in with the boy. They've been going out for 4 months. Chances are by the time that baby comes they'll not still be living together there anyway. £2k will vanish overnight. Do either of them work? Reality will hit them like a tonne of bricks, and better it hits them now when it will only effect the pair of them and not a little baby who will cost them the earth. At least if they find out now how difficult it is to live together then by the time baby does come along your SIL might be back at home/somewhere much more stable.
Did you ever get to the bottom of whether she had actually had the contraceptive injective or whether it was lie? I've got friends who have lied to their parents about being on the pill when they got pregnant, even though I know that they were actually TTC. The whole thing about terminating if the Dr tells her to could be an extension of that lie? If she comes home and announces that the Dr has told her to have an abortion it might be that she's actually made that decision herself but doesn't want to back down?
As for her studying, she'll have been a mum for quite some time by the time next September somes around. She'll have had quite a tough wake-up call by then. If she thinks she'll be able to juggle being a mum with a full-time uni course then good for her. If not so be it. Encourage her to defer - whether or not she'll actually do the course remains to be seen but at least she'll have the option if she wants to.
I think the best way to offer her support right now is to deal with things in small chunks. Once uni is deferred stop thinking about it. You'll cross that bridge again if she decides she does actually still want to do the course. Encourage them to move in together and then sit back and see what happens. Good for them if they make it work. If not, at least she's learned. Ask her honestly about the injection. Mention the FB comment. She might come clean. Other than that all you can do is sit back and be there for her if she wants your support. If she's not listening to you about how difficult things will be then she will have to find out for herself the hard way x
28/05/2013 at 09:18
AK- She has heard from too many of the family that they are disappointed in her. Worst still, her brother said he was ashamed of her The only people she really has support from now are FIL and H and I. i hope this makes her grow up, she will have to. I get the sense that the more the family go on at her, the more determined they are making her to go ahead with it. I don't think she is being stupid, I think she is completely unaware of what this will bring. It helps hearing from other young mums, I'll have to reiterate this to H if that's ok?
Saisi- I know this is a cry for attention, the wrong kind. It terrifies all of us but equally, none of us can tell her to get rid of the baby. I'm also surprised it didn't happen before now, she has talked about getting pregnant since I have been with H (she was 14)
Figaro- This is my biggest concern, a real lack of common sense and a sense of 'other people will do it'. Her parents have always done everything for her and I think at the moment she is expecting them to help raise this child. The parents have met him, it did not go well. He was stoned when he turned up for dinner and hardly spoke a word to anyone- including not saying thank you after dinner... He has not made a good name for himself in the house! BFs mum lives abroad and left him and his sister (she is also pregnant at 18) with their grandmother. She didn't seem bothered by the news at all. The Father is not around much but he said 'good luck'. Helpful. They have part time jobs, neither get paid much at all.No idea if it was a lie or not, she still holds that she had it so she has to tell the doctor today so they can eventually check that it isn't doing any damage. I think she knows we aren't stupid enough to believe she would have been told to abort. I have spoken to her this morning and she said she will speak to uni once she gets her college results (she doesn't sounds positive that she has passed her bloody exams though so it may not even be an option to defer!)
Thank you everyone. I'm feeling more positive after this already. She is off to see the doctor at 10am (your time) I'll call her afterwards for an update.
28/05/2013 at 09:27
I see all of your points WS, I understand the family's worries. My mum cried and screamed at me, shouted and really was beyond herself with me. I don't blame her, I was 21 living at home and all my money and some went in clothes and copious amounts if alcohol, I was a real party girl. H now reminds me how I've changed as each time he came from Liverpool to get me I'd want to be picked up from what ever pub I was in with my friends.
I will have to delete this as it kills me to think of how I was but I knew the position I was in and before my parents knew about the pregnancy I had booked into a clinic to end it. Thank god I changed my mind(h was supporting me but wanted the baby). I changed my mind and can honestly hand in heart blow my own trumpet and say you would go a bloody long way to find a mum as loving careing and as good as me. I have my mummy guilts but I know not a single decision down to what time I have a shower happens without me considering my boys. I was the furthest from maternal yet now that's all I am.
She may fall in her face, I had pnd for 3 years panic attacks riddled with guilt from the shock of it all. I couldn't live with the thought now that I may have chosen to end it, let alone how I'd feel if others had pushed me to that decision.
She needs to get a grip and live with what she decides and if she falls on her face as a family I'm afraid in my eyes you have to just pick up the pieces as that's what family's do. Sending you all loads of luck and strength to deal with whatever comes.
28/05/2013 at 09:33
To add if you want to show this to your h as I do want to help. Me and h married when p the baby in question was 4. We also now have a 20 month old. I'm a SAHM, h works bloody hard to ensure u can. We own out home and have a mortgage on another property we rent out and our boys out lived and have it all. Have it all including grandparents that they now call their best friends that dote on them more than imaginable!
28/05/2013 at 10:00
I was 20 when I fell pregnant with my eldest, some probably felt I was too young and immature, I know family were worried as I'd only been with bf 5 months.
Looking back I agree I was immature but I genuinely feel it was the making of me, there's nothing like a tiny person being your full responsibility to make you grow up.
11 years on I am married to then bf and we have went on to have 2 more children together.
Aside from the uni part I think my mum could've written your OP however she never vocalised it, she just supported me and for that I will always be grateful.
I understand it will be worrying for you being so far away and all your points are valid worries but I'd say keep them to yourself, speaking from experience it will only make her push you away when it sounds like she needs you and her brother at the moment. I know it must be a stressful and worrying time for everyone but you will all come out the other end stronger as a family, I'm sure of it.
28/05/2013 at 10:09
Sorry to hear things haven't settled WS. This is such a difficult position for you to be in. You musn't judge, you can only support her the best you can. Noone can tell her what to do, ultimately it's her decision. Going against the grain having a child at a young age isn't always the becoming of you. I only need to look at my step daughter's to see this. It can send you over the edge if you don't have a support network around you (in somecases even if you do) It's all down to the type of person you are.
If she has an abortion it's something she will have to live with, noone else. People do it everyday and we shouldn't judge because they've made that decision for whatever reason.
28/05/2013 at 10:12
QS- That's such a reassuring story. I can only hope SIL will have a similar story to share one day too. Thank you x
NN- I've not voiced these concerns to her. I haven't felt it my place to do so. I am doing my best to remain calm and neutral while many members of her immediate family seems to be rallying around against her and voicing their thoughts (not helpful). I hope it makes the family stronger but I believe the opposite will happen sadly. My husband and FIL are a very different type of person compared to the rest of the family- I'm sure you'll get to read all about it here as we have a lot of dramas haha!
28/05/2013 at 10:21
I know you haven't voiced your concerns I just wasn't sure whether you planned to from your OP.
I hope it all works out, not an easy situation for anyone.
28/05/2013 at 10:23
You can use me as an example to your H too if you like Like some of the others said it completely changed my life and me for the better. I hope it does for your sil too.
28/05/2013 at 10:25
I will add: I couldn't have done it without he support of my parents mainly and also the rest of my family (well I could but it would have been very hard). I remember my niece at the time telling me how proud she was of me and that made me feel so much more positive.
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