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18/10/2013 at 10:39
Sorry, this is going to be all woe is me. Please feel free to ignore, I just need to get it out somewhere.
Grandad has got days, possibly hours left. I haven't seen him for two days, I can't face it, the last time I saw him he didn't look like my granddad, he looked like a skeleton with skin on. This bloody horrible disease has taken my healthy fun loving granddad and turned him into a helpless old man. It's not even been 12 months since he was diagnosed. This time last year they were boarding a cruise ship and sailing to the carribean, i'd have never in a million years think that this would be happening this year.
I feel bad that he's in a hospice, he didn't want that, but he had to go in 3 weeks ago to have some fluid drained as his organs weren't functioning properly, and he never got well enough to go home. He wanted to be at home to die, i'm just thankful that my nana is with him. That's what he would want. The Macmillan hospice is fantastic place, and they let my nana move in last Saturday. They're really looking after her.
I want to go and be with my nana, but I don't want to see my granddad poorly, I want my memories of him being happy, going on roller coasters in Florida, moaning about having to queue up for rides, and not of him being a very poorly man, out of it on morphine and lying in his bed.
Oh and I'm worrying about the funeral, who will have the children for me? I don't want them to be at the church, but anyone that I would feel I could leave them with will want to be there. I'd feel bad expecting someone to miss out on it, just so that I could be there.
How do you tell a (very clever) 2 year old that she's never going to see her granddad again? She adores him, asks about him every day and if she can go and see him. She knows he's in hospital, we have told her that he's very poorly, but she keeps saying, "but he will get better".
And to top it all off, i'm laid up with a cold
18/10/2013 at 11:03
Oh chids, i'm so sorry. The hospice sounds amazing, they really are fabulous places.
C was 2.5 when my step dad died. I told him he was in heaven. C replied with "no he's not mummy, he's in the stars" C came to the service with me. I just had someone there (my aunt) who would take him off me, if I needed
18/10/2013 at 11:04
you must be feeling overwhelmed. don't stop his physical appearance put you off going. even if you only stop for 10 mins and hold his hand and give him a kiss I'm sure it will give you both some peace that he feels loved.
18/10/2013 at 11:07
Chids - Its okay not to visit at the end, I have felt able with some grandparents and not with others xx
I'm certain your nana will understand and she'll probably need you more in the future as right now she'll be focusing on your grandad.
sending hugs xx
18/10/2013 at 11:10
Oh CHids how sad, I'm sorry you're loosing your granddad. As Carole says don't let his appearance put you off going to say goodbye it could be your last chance. Go and see your nana make her smile.
18/10/2013 at 11:14
Oh chids how sad. You will always have those great memories, he sounds like a lovely man. Don't let the thought of seeing him ill and only remembering that put you off. I saw my nan in a home in her final days, she had dementia and didn't know who I was, she was not the spritely nan I'd always known and it was so sad but if I hadn't seen her at all I would have regretted it forever x
18/10/2013 at 11:23
I'm sorry chids, it must be so hard seeing him like that.
WEES thought, don't let his appearance put you off, you might regret not saying goodbye x
18/10/2013 at 11:30
Chids I can completely relate to this - my Nan died last year at 93 and it was not a nice experiance ,we had to just wait for her body to give up as in the end they couldn't even get fluids into her, she was ready to go bless her and lost conciousness but her body held out for 5 days, my Mum was with her when she went. In my mind that was not my Nan though, I think I mourned for her before she died to be honest because the Nan I loved so much started to go long before this point, she had bad dementia which took a grip very quickly which affected us all.
Anyway what I am trying to say is that you should only do what you feel comfortable doing, out of 6 cousins, four of us were with Nan every day and the other 2 did not come at all, they could not bear seeing her like that. It was fine, you need to be comfortable with whatever you do. I am glad I said my goodbyes to her and I also saw her after she died to give her a letter and picture for the girls.
Molly was 2 when this happened and she understood that Nan-Nan had gone to heaven, she saw her at least twice a week from birth and had many a lovely afternoon cuddled up to her with a choccie biscuit!! she still talks about her now and when my Mum and Dad's dog died she thinks he has gone to be with Nan-Nan which is very sweet. She has been to the cremitorium too and calls it Nan-Nan's garden. I would just be very honest and say he was very very poorly and he had to go but he is resting now. They get it in their own way. Molly has a rabbit teddy bear which was her favourite from my Nan's bed.
As for the funeral, could the children come but wait in the car with someone you trust? my cousin brought her child and her husband waited in the car with him and then after the funeral came to the wake.
18/10/2013 at 11:32
I'm so sorry Chids; it's awful seeing them like that. Everyone's different, but I'm glad I went to the hospital one last time to see my gran who had faded away almost entirely. That memory doesn't erase all of the other thousands of happy memories of her for me. xx
18/10/2013 at 11:34
18/10/2013 at 12:05
Thanks everyone, your wishes mean a lot. I had been thinking about asking their godparents to watch them, but they'll be at work, so I aren't sure if they will be able to take time off. I feel bad for asking them to take annual leave.
18/10/2013 at 12:29
Oh Chids, I really feel for you, I've been there myself and have an inkling of what you are going through. If you have any doubts about your decision not to see him, then try to go, give him one last kiss, and give your gran a big hug. But only you can choose what's the right thing for you to do. I would say that as time passes the happy memories for me are far more prominent than the ones of the last few weeks and days, time does help.
Ask E and Ss Godparents, I'm sure they'll help if they can. If you are that close to them they might have considered coming to the funeral anyway, so will be happy to help out?
Take care of yourself x
18/10/2013 at 12:41
Ah I'm so sorry Chids. I can totally relate to your situation. This was me just over a year ago.
It's really hard and my grandad didn't want to be in a hospice either, his wish was to be at home but he was just too poorly in the end so we made the decision to have his last few days in a lovely hospice and in fact looking back, it was the best decision for him and all the family. As I said before, I was out of time getting to see my grandad awake and alert, by 1 day. Still gets to me now.
It will be the hardest thing for you to be there and see him slowly going but I really think you will feel proud of being there for him and your nan once he is at rest. As horrible as it sounds, there isn't anything you can do now, except make him as comfortable as possible.
Once you come through this part, you will have happy memories. Of course I remember my grandad laying poorly but the happy ones are the strongest ones by far. Take one day at a time.
Big hugs xx
18/10/2013 at 13:12
Weekender, the godparents would perhaps want to come to the service, but perhaps they might sit at the back with the children, but then the children would want to be with us. Hmm, I don't know. They could perhaps just meet up with us at the wake, as I definitely want them there for that. I'd need something to cheer me up and E has been brilliant. She keeps coming and giving us hug and telling us not to be sad because she will make us happy.
18/10/2013 at 13:21
I'm so sorry Chids, I went through similar 2 years ago my lovely granddad (who was suffering from Parkinsons) had been fading for a while but then suddenly ended up in hospital unconscious and he never came round. He last 4 days in hospital. My 1st instinct was that I wanted to go and see him to say goodbye and I'm so glad I did. I had to take my 6 month old with me but she obviously didn't know anything about it so didn't affect her and actually she cheered up all my relatives who stayed by my granddad's side throughout. Losing granddad was the saddest time in my life so far and I was an absolute mess at the funeral (I was unknowingly pregnant so some of it was hormones!) so could never have coped with having the kids there (my H took time off work and stayed at home with the kids even though he wanted to be at the funeral we had no other options). Sending you hugs during this horrible time xxx
18/10/2013 at 14:30
I am so sorry to read this. How utterly hearbreaking. When my mum died a couple of months back we told G she had gone to heaven and was now a star in the sky watching over us all. Do you think your granddad would want to see you? Will it make you feel sad later on that you didnt see him, even though its so so hard to see him so ill?
Hope i dont sound like a total internet weirdy but if you live anywhere near me (Kent) i would babysit for a couple of hours - i was in the same situation with G so my friend had her. We could meet up so your kids and you know who i am! Do you have any mummy friends nearby who could help?
Thinking of you xx
18/10/2013 at 14:47
Oh chids I'm so sorry you're going through this. I was with my grandmother during her last day and as hard as it was then to see her so ill and frail, I'm glad I did it as I got to be with her right at the end and I know she wanted that. If I'm honest, I do t really remember that part when I think of her, I remember a healthy, fun loving, caring woman that she was before she was ill. I'm not saying you should go and see him, but just be sure that if you choose not to, you won't regret it in future.
I'm glad the hospice is being so good and it's wonderful that your grandmother can be with him too. I hope she's getting through this tough time.
We told my young cousins that their grandmother had gone to heaven with the angels. Kept it simple, they generally accept that. Hugs to you xxxxx
18/10/2013 at 15:05
maisie, that's lovely of you. We're in Staffordshire, so no where near kent. But thank you. I don't tend to have mummy friends, we didn't do groups and stuff as I was back at work full time. There'll be someone. I'd had another thought of the children's godparents mum. I've known her pretty much all my life and the kids kind of know her, so she might possibly be able to watch them for an hour or so.
I last saw him on Wednesday night, so it's not like I haven't seen him, I gave him a big kiss and told him I loved him as I left, because in all honesty I thought he would pass during the night. It broke my heart to leave him, but I feel as though I've said my goodbyes. He knows that I love him, it's just whether I should be there for my nana.
I like the idea of telling E that her granddad is a star in the sky looking down, in fact when I took her to my other granddad's grave (a granddad who she never met but knows about) I told her that he was up in the sky looking down on her and making sure we're all ok, so I could just say that this granddad has gone to join him.
18/10/2013 at 15:49
It was the same for us Chids. My dad died when i was 18 so G never met him but she often talks about her grandad who is up in heaven x
I'm so sorry to read this, its so very hard when they are at the end of their lives. My grandmother was in her 90s when she died. She was suffering from dementia towards the end and no longer knew what day it was or even remembered whether we came to visit her or not. It was very hard to see her like that.
My daughter was about 10 months old when my grandmother died. My dad (her son) told me to bring her to the funeral because it would be good for us to have something to focus on that was positive. My H (who didn't know my gran very well) looked after her during the service and then she came to the wake afterwards as well. I think its a different circumstance though because my gran was very very old, so there was very little sadness about her dying and at 10 months old my daughter didn't understand anything anyway.
Is it your mum that looks after your children when you are at work? Is there someone she knows that the children also know who could help out for an hour or so?
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