anyone know any good jokes?? having a laugh is good for you and your baby!! i know a few so ill start off.... xx

you are driving a car at constant speed. on your left side is an elephant and on your right side is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you. in front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it, behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level and the same speed as you. what must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation........? get off the childrens merry go round, your p*ssed!!

brides dad hands a note to the groom: GOODS DELIVERED ARE NON RETURNABLE. groom gave another note back to the father: CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.

men are like slinkies... useless, but fun to watch falling down the stairs!

what gets longer when pulled, fits between your boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked.....? a seatbelt u perv!

married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish. "i want to travel around the world with my husband" says the wife.... 2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand.. husband says "sorry dear, but my wish is to have a wife 30yrs younger than me..." so the fairy waves her wand and the husband becomes 92. moral of the story: men who are ungreatful b*stards should remember... fairies are f*cking female!!

come on! sombody must know some good jokes, i feel a right twat talking to myself!! i know some other good ones, just dont want to offend anyone.... shall i post them anyway??? xx

laughter is also very good for new mums with babies who refuse to sleep during the day. def like the groom one! My fav joke is....how to you turn a duck into a soul singer?.....put him in the microwave until his bill withers.

my fav one is.... (sorry if i offend anyone) a priest is very fond of his rooster and hens. his rooster goes missing and the next day in church he asks everybody "has anybody got a cock?" all the men stood up! "no! no! i mean has anybody seen a cock?" all the women stood up! "no! no! i mean has anybody seen a cock that doesnt belong to them?" half the women stood up! "no! no!" he says angrily.."has anyone seen my cock??" all the choir boys stood up!!

I think thats funny. dont think i can bear to admit what my dh fav joke is for fear of upseting people!

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was
standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again,
although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last
time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care
ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply
eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is
nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now
enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition
because I had been poisoned. I told her no, it was because I'd been
sitting in the road licking my balls and a car hit me.

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. "I had tolio as a child," he answered. "You mean polio?" she asked. "No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!" "As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained. "You mean measles?" she asked. "No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees." The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his
underwear. "Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess...


Smallcox?"

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished
cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this! world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR .
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

Defence Lawyer:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defence Lawyer:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April
1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Lawyer:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Lawyer:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Lawyer:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Lawyer:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years
ago.

Defence Lawyer:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Lawyer:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Lawyer:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good
in years!

Defence Lawyer:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told
him
"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defence Lawyer:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot the
little bastard.

Thanks for the laughs girls, i don't know many but..............Why are men like snowstorms??? because you never know how many inches you'll get, how long it'll last and when they're gonna come...

how f***kin funny are you - keep going I've had shit day xx

thank you for making me laugh lotsssssss.
man and woman in bed, they hear a noise downstairs, then a man bursts into the room and runs over to the wife and gives her a big kiss then leaves the room. the husband says 'oh my god, you know i love you, but please do what he wants, anything, i saw the way he kissed you, please or he might kill us' the wife replies 'actually he didnt kiss me, he said he's gay and where do we keep the vaseline, but do remember i love you'

pregnant irish girl phones home. "mam oi tink me waters have broke""oh me holy jaysus, where are you ringin from" said mum. "oim ringing from me minge to me focking ankles!!"

please dont get offended if your irish! i just like this joke!! xx

SCAM WARNING!! in asda while packing your shopping in your car you might be approached by 2 fit 20 year old lads. they wash your screen and ask for a lift to the next shop as payment. on the way they strip and reveal 10inch c*cks. one climbs in the front and goes down on you. the other nicks your purse! i had mine stolen last tuesday and wednesday, twice on thursdayagain on saturday and again yesterday! be careful!!