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13/12/2013 at 12:04
OK this may turn into a bit of a rant which is why I'm coming to you for outside non biased views. Basically G is treating the house like a hotel and it's doing mine and H's head in. What's more though is H just gets the hump about it rather than speak to her. She needs a good talking to and we need to lay down rules without it getting into a big argument.
She goes to college Weds, Thurs, Fri. She works Weds evening (H picks her up) Fri, Sat, Sun. She's been staying at her boyfriends Fri & Sat nights then coming home with him in tow on Sundays. He's been staying til well past the time H and I have gone to bed, then Monday she's in bed all day out Monday night with the boyfriend, stays at his, back Tuesday at some point, out again Tuesday night then home with him in tow til well past we've gone to bed and then we are back to Weds again.
Things getting to me:
She doesn't help out properly at home -despite me asking, it's then done haphazardly and left in the washing machine instead of hung out, towels not changed in the bathroom when she's cleaned it etc,
She comes in dumps her stuff and goes out again - sometimes she showers sometimes not - I literally had to kick her out of bed Thursday morning before college to get her in the shower because she'd worked Weds night and smelt of chip fat - it's disgusting!
She says she will be home at x time and isn't.
She comes home with boyfriend in tow without asking.
She is unbelievably moody because she's so tired.
I need help in sorting this out before I explode.
13/12/2013 at 12:16
when i was 17 and living in my parents home i still had rules and if i broke them i was still punished.
so although shes older i still think you can lay down ground rules etc.
for instance put a curfew in place, if she breaks it she cant go to his house.
if he stays longer than the time you have told her, then she stays at home and does cleaning rather than going out with friends etc.
she has to do chores around the house, or she can do her own washing,ironing,cooking etc.
if she wants to act like a child treat her like one, when she can prove she can act as an adult she earns adult respect.
this is how i was brought up, and i really thank my parents for treating me this way, as a few of my friends did treat their parents house like hotels, and now they live alone their houses are disgraceful. i think it really teaches you to be proud of where you live and to look after it and respect it etc ?
13/12/2013 at 12:17
God I wish I could help, I have no idea when it comes to teenagers. Would she respond ok to a sit down chat? With regards to not changing the towels etc I think at that age you just don't 'see' what needs doing and cutting corners is the norm, there's always something better to do! I remember I had to unload the dishwasher everyday after school when I was 15/16 and did the absolute minimum I could.
Can you do a housework rota and tell her what you expect, like if she's done the bathroom, she needs to clean bath, sink, taps, put clean towels out etc.
Tell her the days her bf can come over and that he has to be gone by a certain time or you will embarrass her by kicking him out.
Do you give her a time to come home? Is there any consequences for her not coming home when she's meant to?
I'm trying to think back to when I was 17 and what I was like, a witch I think - it was a long time ago
13/12/2013 at 12:19
Also, leave her a list of stuff to do when she is off college and if it isn't done then she isn't allowed to stay at her boyfriends or he's not allowed at yours.
13/12/2013 at 12:20
Monnie I know what you're saying but it's easier said than done. I've talked to her til I'm blue in the face about stuff like this I think the issue is my husband. I'm out of the house a lot of the time she comes and goes and he's busy with work so in a way both girls take advantage of this and his responses to their questions. Can I stay at x's house on Saturday? Yes but he doesn't think who is x, where do they live, how you getting there, back, who you with, etc (OK this is more the younger one but you get my point)
I need to talk to him to make sure he's onboard with the rules then we set the rules and she sticks to them
Disclaimer, I know very little about teenagers and am not looking forward to living with one
But things to think about:
She thinks she's an adult and knows it all.
She doesn't really appreciate how much hard work you and H have to put in to keep the house looking good and all the bills paid because she's only 17 and has never had to do it all for herself.
She may not do it to your standards, but don't criticise her for this when she has done some housework. Otherwise she'll just wonder what the point is and not bother next time. You have to chip away at this in a quiet way instead. So instead of saying 'why on earth didn't you change the towels' you say 'thanks for cleaning the bathroom. Next time can you change the towels as well?' You may have to say this 50 million times. She may not 'get' why it annoys you until she is older and has her own place.
Re the tiredness, you can tell her that the boyfriend can't stay over and you can also ask her to be home more often than not. You could tell her that she can only stay over with him for a couple of nights a week, say, because she's clearly getting tired. So you could say that your H will pick her up on Sundays so then the boyfriend won't be in tow. But not sure how well that will go down, as you've been letting her do this up to now.
There should still be rules for her, its how many you want to have and how you want to enforce them. Is there something that you've promised her for her birthday or something that could be dependent on her behaviour.
13/12/2013 at 12:27
Ladies I appreciate every bit of advice given here but again it's all easier said than done in this household and the more I think about it the more it's H who needs to be stricter because they just take advantage. I need to talk to him without having a go and criticising him
13/12/2013 at 12:37
There you go then, you need to speak to your H and get him to be firmer with both of them. Again probably easier said than done.
13/12/2013 at 12:44
belle does she pay housekeeping from her job ?
13/12/2013 at 12:54
Monnie no, this is something I've raised with H last night and he agrees she helps out or she pays keep.
13/12/2013 at 12:56
It took me so long to write my post that I missed yours saying that you felt your problem was with your H rather than with the girls.
I'm guessing that maybe he's so pleased that she's now living with you both rather than with her mum that he isn't as strict as he might be.
13/12/2013 at 13:04
i think this will make her change her attitude sharply lol!
when i lived at home i lived with my dad and step mum aswell, what they did is calculated the running of the house, bills and food as a percentage of their wages.
so my dad paid 45% of his wages to the home costs. therefore i could choose to pay them either 45% of my wages, or i helped in the running of the house.
if i remember rightly i had to:
look after my bedroom and change my bedding every week(including the actual washing of my bedding and drying,ironing etc)
every morning i unloaded the dish washer and loaded it every night
my responsibility was to clean the master bathroom once a week ( the younger siblings had the downstairs loo and en suites)
hoover the downstairs of the house every day, and sweep and mop the floors twice a week.
my clothes i washed and ironed myself
and i had to be responsible for taking my sister to horse riding every wednesday and bringing her home again
i went to asda for the weekly shop with my step mum and helped her put away the shopping
and tuesdays was my night to cook the whole family dinner (6 of us)
if i didnt want to do any of that i paid them 45% of my wages
along with that
i had to be home by 11pm
no friends past 10pm
and if i ever had boys over they were allowed in my room if the bedroom door was open ( mainly becasue my room was on the ground floor )
i wasnt allowed to socially leave the house until my chores were done,
my step mum sounds like a slave driver doesnt she !!!
13/12/2013 at 13:06
13/12/2013 at 13:13
I don't think it helps that she shares a room with her 14yo sister who goes to bed at 9pm cos it's not like she can come in at 10pm put her stuff away, tidy her room etc
13/12/2013 at 13:14
I actually think she should both help out AND pay some keep.
When I'd just turned 18, I took a gap year and got a job and paid my parents £400 a month rent money. I'm not saying I turned into an angel overnight but I think paying the money gave me a kind of sense of "ownership" in the house. I don't know how to explain it, it's like I was handing over money and it made me realise that the house had worth, it wasn't just "free". And since I was "investing", it made sense to try and help keep it clean and tidy. Hope that makes some kind of sense! I think it's worth making her do chores even if she is paying some rent (and I do think at that age she should) because it shouldn't be that she pays you to keep the place clean and tidy. She should be helping, because she lives there and should take some pride in it too.
Of course like you say it's easier said than done!!
13/12/2013 at 13:20
I'm not sure she needs to pay rent I'm not fussed about that, she only earns £5 an hour and that money she's buying herself clothes which is actually saving us about £200 a month on clothing for her.
I do want her to help out more though as she thinks it's ok to come in dump her clothes in the laundry and that's it, they get washed. I ask for it to be done and it is once a week, that's not enough, I was washing at 10pm last night cos the pile had got out of hand. I swear it's a game of see how much we can squeeze into the basket!
13/12/2013 at 13:32
What would happen if you got her a laundry basket and told her she was responsible for her own? Then just don't wash any of her stuff?
I was a horrible 17 yr old who stayed out as much as humanly possible and thought my mum was a nagging witch so I can't really help!
13/12/2013 at 13:34
As silly as it sounds there isn't room for a basket in their room.
13/12/2013 at 13:36
Ok I think there should be ground rules, I don't think the rent thing should apply unless she is working full time but that is just my opinion.
I think she should have a curfew which is stuck to
I think she should respect the family home and therefore contribute to it which to me would menan spending one evening a week indoors doing chores, such as I would suggest her own washing and ironing as a minimum. plus her room (and this is at a reasonable hour of the day)
Sundays I would also make family time after work
She thinks she is an adult and therefore can come and go as she pleases, and within limits that is ok. I think you should accept basic cleanliness as a basic requirement of living in the home.
Perhaps, and this is just knowing you all as I do, I think you should make the ground rules with her and ask her is she thinks it is reasonable and therefore involve her in the principles behind it. For example with Lauren - She cleans her room propertly including bedding etc every saturday, the rest of the week I ignore it. Her agreed week pattern is cadets tuesday and thursday, Friday out with friends, saturday out with friends, sunday family. Monday and Wednesday is for school work. I do not nag her about this and she does not send me stupid text asking to go out on un agreed nights - less stressful all round. She does the ironing at the weekend which she is paid for, the washing up and putting away is her job no matter if she is in or out, I have learnt to leave it for her. She is younger that G I know but you get the thinking. Anyway we sat down with her and worked all this out by saying what do you think is far and reasonable. things will no doubt get later timings etc when she is older but fundementally she knows the rules and knows she is part of a family unit which means we all work together.
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