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14/06/2013 at 10:29
A (she's 11 in oct) always says in an argument that she wants to live with dad. When things have calmed down she does also say it. She says she can handle the arguments (melodrama) and she thinks shed prefer it but can she change her mind if she doesn't like it there.
She also texts Dad as well to tell him.
Tbf he always tells me when she's text and tells me not to worry about it, there's bound to be these blips etc.
Mostly, I try and ignore it, give cuddles and say if she wants to it's a permanent decision. Sometimes I have said things like if she does go does she realise she'll be with the GF most of the time? She likes her so not sure that's worked. [hollow laugh]
Yesterday though I just cried. The disaplinarian/ fun parent thread made me think. I'm trying my best but if she's not happy with me I have to deal with it - just don't know how.
14/06/2013 at 10:31
Oh darling, I don't know what to say. Maybe Belle or someone would have some better advice. Lots of love, children are horrible xxxxxxxxx
14/06/2013 at 10:34
Ah Beez, I can't tell you how I'd feel because I've not been in that position but I can imagine feeling very upset like you. It doesn't mean she loves you any less though, maybe she just wants the experience of having her dad at her beck and call.
Was she very close to her dad when he was at home?
Belle or curlywurly may be the ones to help with this. Hugs though xx
14/06/2013 at 10:43
Is she just saying it in anger or she's actually told you she wants to live with him? What's the reasonings behind wanting to live with him? Would he have her full time? See as it stands he gets all the fun time, you get reality, so her view of living with dad is very skewed. She lives with him, it's all rainbows and fun time for a few weeks then homework, school and well real life creep in and bam wants to live with mum.
She's confused, it's all very raw, but I know how much it hurts to hear these things and I'm talking from a step mothers pov.
14/06/2013 at 10:56
Ah Beez I'm sorry you are going through this.
Do you think she is serious? Like Belle says, when parents seperate, the parent who the child doesn't live with gets to do all of the fun things, then hand them over to the other parent to do the boring, serious things.
When my parents split up, (I was much littler than A) but I loved going to my dads at first, we would do anything I wanted, I could eat whatever I wanted, stay up late etc, then he met someone and she was a right *** and I hated going and he also started palming me and my sister off at my nannas. Then I hated going and eventually refused to go.
What does H say about it? How much does she see him atm? Doesn't he live miles away now?
14/06/2013 at 11:18
Oh that must be heart wrenching. I would cry too. I have no advice at all but I hope why belle says about her thinking the grass is greener is true x
14/06/2013 at 12:04
She says it when she's calm too. He is a real disciplinarian - maybe he's more fun when he's with the gf. He lives about 2 hours away. He doesn't make her shower or tidy up and do chores. Also the gf's daughter is about the same age and it must be lovely having a play mate. Thinking that might be part of it, the craving to be part of a 'proper' family.
14/06/2013 at 12:08
What are your plans over the summer break? Maybe she can "go live" with dad for 3 weeks.
14/06/2013 at 12:25
Ah that will be it, it will be fun at her dads because she has someone her own age to do stuff with. Its nothing to do with wanting to live with her dad, its just the circumstances that he is in with his gf. There is a big gap between her and C so its not as it they can do the girly things she can with her friends but she can with gf's daughter.
I bet if you moved a bf in with a girl the same age she would be quite happy with you.
14/06/2013 at 12:31
Belle - yes, trying to pin him down. I'm wondering whether to suggest it to A.
SW - yes, what makes it worse if she also has a child C's age. They have a playmate each.
I forgot to thank everyone for your replies
14/06/2013 at 12:40
Well I'd speak to him first but it's not uncommon for kids to share longer holidays like this with each parent. If he were closer you could even look at Joint Res but that's all way way way in the future. It's a credit to you though as a mother Beez, that she can talk to you about this.
14/06/2013 at 12:46
H wants her to go to boarding school at 13 (can't see it happening) so I've always thought we could discuss that then. Thanks, I am trying but most of the time I feel not up to scratch. I'm pinning on things improving when I'm in my own place.
14/06/2013 at 13:23
Is she close to your parents? Could they talk to her to see what they think?
14/06/2013 at 13:24
Definitely see if she can spend more time with her dad over the summer. Its heartbreaking to have your child say this to you but partly she says it because she can say it. If you were still together with ex she'd express her dissatisfaction in a different way.
Its also lovely to have another child to play with - I know that my daughter who is an only child misses that. But, again, its easy to get along with someone for a short period of time. Harder to do it longer term.
It sounds to me that when she goes to dad's she is the visitor, and everyone is making an effort to make it nice for her. If she goes there for longer then I expect she'll have to do things like the chores otherwise gf is going to complain she is running around after everyone or other child will be complaining that its not fair.
14/06/2013 at 14:07
I can remember as a teenager that I hated my parents and wanted to live somewhere else, but I had no other options. I would have thought it's something normal for a teenage girl to go through (or almost teenager) and it's only more complicated because you are separated and she potentially has another option.
My mum just used to ignore me or tell me life was tough and she was waiting till I was 18 and could move out! We got over it and have a very good relationship, she knew it was just teenage angst for me.
14/06/2013 at 14:26
Thank you all again.
SW my mum would be brilliant actually (she works for social services) I don't really think of leaning on her for this sort of thing but I will next time.
Cedar - the GF is 26. Probably got way more energy than me!
Ho hum. Time will tell.
14/06/2013 at 14:30
Beez has she given any reason why she wants to live with dad?
What Pingu says about kids wanting to runaway is true. G decided she wanted to live with mum because big bad me told her she was a skank and she absolutely had to wash. I wouldn't have her walking round like a tramp and no she can't dye her hair nor can she have fake tan or false nails or go clubbing. So off she went. Kids with both parents at home don't have that option.
14/06/2013 at 14:38
She says we argue too much. Which we don't - I just have to tell her exactly things like you've said, nag to tidy room, wash, play nicely with C.
She is great she just goes off the head when I ask her to do stuff she doesn't want to do. Himself doesn't make her do anything. Except watch the 3 other kids when him and GF go for a ***. Or ten. [>:(]
F a g
Just in case you were wondering
14/06/2013 at 14:41
Ha! I so was wondering....
Well it's tough then if that's all it is. Talk about her staying with him for longer over the summer but that's as far as it goes. She's 11, she's testing you x
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