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09/11/2013 at 17:35
Hi ladies..name change for this post....you may work out who I am from my avatar but im not overly worried!
So I am having a complete crisis in my head about the state of my marriage....I married H 18 months ago...I knew him as a friend for several years..we mixed in the same circles but never once did I look at him in that way...I used to joke that he wore me down...well im now having a dilemma in my head about whether or not I did the right thing...well I did what I thought was the right thing....my son is 5 months old....we haven't had sex since i got pregnant. before that before that our sex life was minimal and we always said we weren't all about the sex....i didn't think it was important...but it is.....i have no desire to even kiss him let alone sleep with him....which is a dam awful way to feel...i can feel myself drifting further and further apart from him and i spend a lot of time thinking of what it would be like if me and my son were on our own...this thought doesn't scare me....
the only thing i feel is holding me back is the fact that he would be completely broken....along with lots of disappointed family and friends...
Help me ladies...i cant go on like this.....
09/11/2013 at 17:53
After the birth of my daughter I didn't want my Ex anywhere near me. The birth had been very traumatic and I was still very uncomfortable and it took a long time to be comfortable again.
the fact that you say he would be broken suggests that you still care about it and it is jsut the lack of hysical desire that is the issue - unless you find yourself attracted to other men and just not him?
09/11/2013 at 17:54
Oh and stuff family and friends - would they really eb disapppointed or jsut sad for you? They can eb easily confused
09/11/2013 at 17:56
Yes I do find myself attracted to other men.....this isn't just down to pregnancy and birth.....i care largely because we were friends before anything else...
09/11/2013 at 17:57
I have been talking to my best friend..she said the same that its sadness not disappointed....my family all love him tho...but they aren't married to him are they
09/11/2013 at 17:59
My friends and family liked my Ex... until he left me, then they poured out how they felt.
09/11/2013 at 18:01
strange that isn't it..when I talked to my friend the other day she was like..."I knew you were never in love with him"
09/11/2013 at 18:12
I am sorry you're having a tough time atm, I cant really offer any advice just didn't want to read and run - I can offer a hug! I hope someone else comes along and can give you some helpful advice!
09/11/2013 at 19:08
Thank you... I guess I know the answer really x
09/11/2013 at 19:29
You poor thing! I married my best friend, many moons ago. There was no passion to recapture once things started to deflate, because although our sex life had been good, essentially we were friends first.
I spent a year feeling dead inside trying to find ways (date nights, shared hobbies etc) to reignite something. But it wasn't there to be reignited, if you see what I mean.
I'm so sorry you find yourself here. Can you talk to a counsellor? Maybe they could point you in the right direction as to what to consider or feelings you are having or have buried. It's such a tough spot. Be kind to yourself.
09/11/2013 at 19:32
Thanks counter... I totally get what you feel a out being dead inside... I'm always organising nights out, days out etc.. I might try a counsellor if only to make me strong enough to get through this...
I can't believe I'm thinking all of this but now I have I can think of nothing else...
09/11/2013 at 20:34
Not too sure what to say HJL. I hope you can decide on a plan x
09/11/2013 at 20:44
Thank you... X
09/11/2013 at 21:44
Have you spoken to your H about how you feel? What about going to relate? Sorry your going through this.
09/11/2013 at 22:38
I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. What an awful way to feel. I wouldnt worry about family and friends. This is your life and you must do whats right for you. Counselling might help you.
I have no practical advice but it does sound like you have really made your mind up?
Keep talking to us here.
10/11/2013 at 04:21
Sorry you are feeling like this, having a lo is stressful enough without relationship worries as well. I am not really in a position to give relationship advice but have found that maternity leave gives me a lot of time to think about somethings and that my head can be all over the place still. Just make sure you really think it through and that you are making the right choice for you and lo. It is no one else's business, everyone is keen to have their opinions but they aren't living in your situation day to day. X
10/11/2013 at 08:49
Yoyo... No I haven't spoken to him... How do you tell someone they just don't do it for you...
Maisie... Thank you... Good to have the support of here...
Jrj... When I spoke to my best friend I kept saying maybe its because I have too much time to think at the moment... Getting back to work may help but I don't think it will go away.
10/11/2013 at 15:47
I would have to raise it with your H too, could he be feeling the same way? I think the fact he's a friend, means you've a good chance of being able to talk this through. And have, of you want, an amicable end? I guess that depends on your H really?
I think having time to think really helps to focus the mind and make feeling clear. If this were just post baby, I'd say that giving it a little more time would be your best bet, but give. This is ongoing, I'd consider speaking to someone outside. I hope that your best friend was supportive, and that she can see how this is for you.
10/11/2013 at 21:39
HJL I know exactly how you feel. I've been feeling like this towards my H for some time. I told him about a month ago and tbh I broke him. It was awful. He was and still is in pieces. He's better now but still has down days. However for us it was the right thing for me to do. My problem was that he was so reliant on me as his only social outlook he was moody withdrawn ratty short tempered. Didn't take care in his appearance. In the last month he's dropped two clothes sizes. Has stopped drinking every night and seems to be a different happier man if that's possible. I mean happier as in not short tempered. We've been doing more as a couple and more as a family. However with regards to sex we've not had it properly. I want to get my mojo back but it will take time. My advice is to talk if you can. I held back for so so long but felt a weight lift that same day. It's been real hard and he's still in pieces but for me selfishly it was the right thing to do x
11/11/2013 at 09:48
Thanks little m... I know I need to talk to him and I know that he senses something is wrong....
Belle... Thanks for sharing that... Im worries my mojo is there but just not for him... Glad things improved for you...
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