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10/01/2013 at 06:08
I love H to bits and cannot imagine life apart but things are really strained at the moment and neither of us know what to do or even where to start in order to fix things.
Since M came along, life is hectic. I'm constantly busy and the only free time I'm getting is a few mornings a week when E goes to nursery and M is asleep- this is time when H is at work though. Hs job is crazy busy, he is working silly hours as usual and travelling lots so is utterly exhausted and feels like he just doesn't get family time. Our weekends are spent with him glued to his laptop and as much as I hate it, I know he does too but has little choice as there is so much he needs to do. They are recruiting UK people to come over and help but this process can and will take months so for now, H has to do a lot. I understand his work completely having been in the same business and know how much is expected of him so I do my best not to get angry or nag at him. My parents being here doesn't help as they obviously want to spend lots of time with us before they go on saturday (my MIL arrives tomorrow for a week and so we won't get any time alone then either)
By 7pm, I'm shattered and getting both little ones ready for bed at 7:30pm. I then spend the evening preparing for the next day and clearing up and by 9pm I'm ready for bed. H gets home anywhere between 7-10pm, if he comes home at all, so it is straight to bed and then he is up and out of the house by 7am the following day. A quick peck on the lips in the morning and before bed is all we have managed in the past couple of months (I wasn't up for DTD after about 36 weeks pregnant!) and I know I am neglecting him. I've started trying to express so that I can leave a bottle for M so we could possibly have an evening out together next week when MIL is here but after that I worry that we just won't get time out together as M is too little to leave with non family and I feel a bit rude leaving 2 children with friends now.
H mentioned last night that we just don't have any time for each other anymore and seemed really upset by it. I am too but don't know how things will get easier- M wakes every couple of hours through the night and E is up by 7am which is tiring as only I can do night feeds and H needs to sleep with such a high pressured job so I don't expect him to get up and help even though i know he would if I asked him to. On top of that, I feel like a complete blob and I don't like H to see me uncovered- I know I need to start eating better and exercising but again, I just don't have time! I feel like I'm 'Mummy' and housekeeper these days and nothing else. It's really getting us both down.
Any advice/suggestions/help?! Or at least tell me it is all normal and it gets better
10/01/2013 at 06:30
WS with respect your baby is almost 4 weeks old. Life ia hectic. Your a mummy. End of. This phase will pass as M grows and you ALL adapt to being a family of 4. Life will get better but please give it time. If your H feels he doesn't have time with you then he needs to set aside time to be with you. You should not adapt and worry he is the one with the ability to do so. Yes he's busy with work but if je worked late 4 day out of 5 Im sure he could leave a couple hours earlier on day 5 to have an evening with you then& the kids. This is all so new for you ALL. You'll get through it. Big hug x
10/01/2013 at 06:36
Thanks Belle- I hate to put pressure on him as he is a real stress head and I can see he feels so guilty for not being here enough as it is. He is heading home early this afternoon but we are off to spend the day with my parents and have dinner out but at least he will be with us I guess! I hope once family and friends have stopped visiting, we will have more time to ourselves but it just seems never ending at the moment! I can't tell people not to visit like I could when we had Ella as they have all pre-booked and it's such a long way for them to come!
10/01/2013 at 06:59
I could have written this when Sam was about 4 months, and my husband doesn't have a high pressured job but works shifts. Matt was three and it just felt like we never had any time alone or any energy when we did.
All I can say is things are 100% better. Sam(15 months) is now sleeping better, and although we are tired (think having two children is so tiring) we do manage to talk and have us time even if it is when they go to bed I cook nice meals and have a bottle of wine. It sounds difficult for you if H is having to work weekends but it sounds like there is light at the end of the tunnel if they are recruiting even if it will take a while. I hope things settle for you hugs
10/01/2013 at 07:18
Oh WS you're not superwoman my love. You both have so much on ATM it's inevitable something is going to take a back seat. M is so little still, being a family of 4 is new to all of you. Give it time. And please don't pressure yourself to lose weight/ jump in bed ASAP. This too will come naturally once everything's settled down. The parents will be gone soon too. Is there no way your H can cut back on any aspect? I understand its his career but I think to a degree he should compromise too if he's feeling the same as you. There's only so much you can do alone to work at it, he needs to, too
10/01/2013 at 08:07
Morning, ws you have just had a baby! I found it a struggle going from 1 child to two. It's hardwork splitting yourself between them and then your husband. My husband started a new more pressured job after my youngest was born so was often out early back late. I could have written your post. I think you need to try and not feel guilty. Loosing weight etc can wait. Could you speak to h and see if you could set aside some time together each week a weekend day or finishing work early one night? Also could you try and sleep a little when baby sleeps on the mornings your eldest is at nursery? I think things will be better when visitors stop as you have not has chance to settle in and get your own routine! Honestly things will get easier with time but please be kind to yourself xx
10/01/2013 at 08:12
Nala- That's reassuring to know thank you! I hope M starts to sleep better soon, E was going through the night at 9 weeks but as a newborn she only ever woke once in the night. I think we have a non-sleeper this time!
MS- I don't know if H can cut back on anything at the moment. I speak to the wives of people he works with and they all seem to be in exactly the same position. I think they have recently just won more work than the staff can handle and H finds that when he delegates work to most of his staff, they are so incompetent that it's actually quicker and less hassle to do it himself. One person from the London office started just before Christmas so hopefully he will make a little bit of difference to Hs workload! He is working towards partnership and so has to be seen to be working his balls off but it means family time takes a back seat for now. We will reap the rewards at the end of it but I can't imagine the next 18 months being like this, I think it'll drive us apart. I'll see if we can go for dinner next week on our own and leave MIL with the children just so we can at least talk through the problems...
10/01/2013 at 08:14
EBB- It's good to know this does seem normal. I will speak to H and see if we can get back to having family day on a Friday like we did before work got so manic for him. I was planning to sleep this morning after dropping E off at nursery but M has other ideas and is laying next to me wide awake! I have to get E in 50 minutes and then my parents will be heading over, typical
10/01/2013 at 08:16
Echo what everyone else has said WS, have a too.
I have a 19 month age gap and can honestly say that the first 3 months after number 2 was born life was very tricky and tense. It is difficult because everything happens because of everything else, it is a vicious circle. BUT things do get better and they will.
10/01/2013 at 08:19
It makes me sad that you have to schedule time to talk about it. You say you feel it will drive you apart- what good is it working his balls off if the family suffer? Especially when with all the good intention in he world, he's doing it for his family. I can't see how it will improve unless work gives a bit. And it's a long time to just 'put up' with it if you're both unhappy with the situation. I'm not H bashing, you can clearly see he's doing this for his family bless him, but there is only so much you can do alone xx
10/01/2013 at 08:29
H only wants to provide lots for us- it's something that has always been really important to him as his family never had money to spare and he said he never wants to see his babies go without. We have had rows over it MS as I have to constantly tell him as much as I understand where he is coming from, it is 1000x more important that he spends time with his children- I came from the other end where my father worked crazy hours, worked abroad and we rarely saw him or spent time with him but could (and did) have anything we wanted. What we really wanted was a dad that came home at the weekend and did family things with us. I warn H as my sisters and I are not that close to our parents as a result but I think it falls on deaf ears...
It is sad that I have to check his diary before I can plan to have time with him in the evenings isn't it?!
10/01/2013 at 08:36
WEES, M is so tiny you need time to adjust to your new family life and with your H working so much it's not surprising you have so little time together. I can't really see that there's anything you can do yourself unless your H spends less time working that he currently is. I'd also be worried of him burning out working so much.
I think I'd try and take as much advantage of your parents and ILs as I could while they're around, getting plenty of rest while they look after the children and seeing if they can help with some of the jobs around the house
It does sound hard at the moment, but remember this too shall pass xxx
10/01/2013 at 08:42
Oh WS - I work in a similarly high pressured job like your husband and have always seen the men I work with struggle with their home life commitments and juggling work. I am guessing you have no idea when he leaves the house in the morning what time you'll expect him back? That must be really difficult (I know before I fixed my hours my husband had no idea what time I would finally rock up home - it nearly drove us apart a couple of times if I am honest). Please try not expect too much too soon. M is so teeny tiny and as time goes on you'll gain more of a sense of yourself again and, in turn, what free time your H has you'll be able to spend it with him not tending to the children. My other thought was, not sure how you would feel about it, to get a nanny for part of the week so you have some time to do all those boring things you don't want to have to do in the evening/ weekend or perhaps meet your H for lunch/ get to the gym. Maybe an idea for a bit later on down the line?
All the men I have worked with with children have seemingly gone through domestic crises where the wife says "enough! The children and I need to see you more!" and on the whole they get better (at least for a while) at trying to keep to a more realistic end time (perhaps then logging on at home after bedtime) or working from home a day a week. No idea whether any of this is possible for your H because he must be stuck in a bit of a tricky time zone for logging off early in the evening as the UK and USA will still be online (this was always my problem!). Big hugs - you will find a way though it - just be honest with each other about your respective pressures and what is the most important thing in your life. Big hug. Xx
10/01/2013 at 08:43
Please stop feeling guilty for a start. This is a two way thing. He can't complain that you don't have any time when he is the one working loads of extra hours. What are you supposed to do? I'm not saying its all his fault but he can't moan at you either. The fact is that babies take up a lot of time and care and attention. He just has to deal with that. I think this is a temporary thing with his work? That and M will start being less dependent in terms of night wakings and feeds so things will generally ease up. It's hard at the beginning adjusting to just one child let alone when you have two and fitting around the routine that comes with them. It will get better!
I know what you mean about the money versus quality time and this is a conversation I've had with my h in the past too. He would work every weekend and get home later in the evenings and I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I'd rather go without than have no time as a family. He would think he could give me money to go shopping and it'd be ok, I'd rather not go shopping tbh. We cut down a lot and he works less hours but we do more together.
10/01/2013 at 08:44
Didn't want read and run, but what everyone else says chick. Lots of love xxx
10/01/2013 at 09:13
WEES, go easy on yourself lovely and more importantly you are a couple and therefore share responsibility for making an effort, if he says you don't spend enough time together then he also needs to make an effort and perhaps set aside some quality time just for the two of you one day a week
10/01/2013 at 09:18
I too didn't want to read and run, I agree with everyone else. Don't expect too much at first, there are no routines at such early age. it definitely does got easier to share the time with everyon thou, it felt like that for us in the beginning. Hope Hs work load eases soon with the help x
10/01/2013 at 09:54
Alslt- it is definitely a vicious circle! 3 months isn't too long, thank you!
Deedee- I worry he'll burn out too, he has always been a workaholic but this is the worst i've seen him. I'll definitely take advantage of family being here. My parents have taken E out a lot so that I can sleep when M does and that has helped me function and feel human but it's not helpful to mine and Hs relationship. Will be good if his mum can have them both at least once whilst she is over next week.
RS- I used to work the same hours and I think based on me knowing what the business is like, it makes it easier for me to understand. Hs ex walked out on him as she couldn't stand how little time they spent together and I know that's always in the back of his mind. It's rare that I know when he'll be home each day, I often get a message to say he's leaving and then half an hour later he's home. I know when he's travelling due to his flight times but those days it's always after 9pm so he doesn't see the children. H suggested a nanny but i don't like the idea. Most people employ live in maids to act as nannies but they have limited English and usually are not actually qualified nannies. Western Nannies are expensive and we can't justify them. Nursery helps, and I have cleaners in 3 times a week to do the basic things so the house stays clean at least! He often works from home but it's not easy to get things done with E around as she nags him to play, answers his mobile to clients, hides his things, etc! I think we both find it more stressful when he does it Time zones are awkward. The weekends here are Friday-Saturday but then H will be answering calls on Friday to the UK/US/EU offices and on Saturday, Saudi will call as they have Thursday-Friday weekends. I'm sure things will get easier eventually, I just don't want our relationship to suffer anymore in the meantime!
Pip- I'm not sure he was moaning, more stating a fact and sounding really sad about it. I honestly think he knows that HE needs to do something to help but he's so snowed with work, it's just another thing for him to worry about and stress over. I hope it's temporary yes! He has got some excellent people lined up to come over here but getting visa's, accommodation sorted takes time. I also feel as if I'm neglecting one of the children at times- there's at least 3 times during the day where they both demand my attention (usually food related) and I get terrible mummy guilt. M feeds on demand and I hope eventually he'll settle into a routine that I can work around so I feel less guilt. The money is not important to me either but it doesn't seem to get through to H...
Kellfi- thank you x
10/01/2013 at 09:56
Nina- I'm going to suggest we get that one day a week back again, even if it means he puts in more hours the rest of the week! At least we will spend some proper time together then!
Lauren- Thank you, me too!
10/01/2013 at 11:45
Just seen this.
I obviously don't speak from experience but I'm sure it's just a case of early days/routine.
M is still so tiny, there is no routine at his age. As time goes on you'll be getting more sleep (longer between feeds) and feel more rested. Newborn days are HARD, it was all I could do to get up and get us dressed. That's all I'd manage all morning.
Plus you have family there so are probably not acting as normal either.
Don't worry about the sex thing, that will come over time. For now just focus on getting into your groove with M. Once MIL goes your routine will settle I'm sure and any time H has at home will be your time together, as M starts sleeping more you will be less tired and you'll slowly get your evenings back.
I don't think it's a case of H needing to change things at work, it's just an adjustment, you said recently that the change on role and the fact that you're now staying in Dubai was going to mean longer hours etc (I think?!) so it's not wholly unexpected is it? I think it's just timing, M has arrived, Christmas, parents descended etc.
Don't put too much pressure on yourself lovely, I'm sure things will improve xxx
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