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14/06/2012 at 20:58
Hi all! I am new to this but am desperate for some advice from any other mums in a similar situation. I have a beautiful 14 month old daughter and am expecting my second baby in december.
Unfortunately the relationship with their father has now broken down and i am trying to put the pieces together to get a happy and stable home for my babies . I am just so worried if i am doing the right thing, our relationship was extremeley challenging, my ex was constantly angry and i was to blame for everything that was wrong, there had not really been any violence but the escalation of rows and his reactions were so volatile i felt that i couldnt keep exposing my little girl to that and also try and get through this pregnancy with all that stress.
Am i selfish? my little girl loves her dad but was also wary around him because she had witnessed him shouting and swearing at me and this was beginning to upset her. My ex would get angry with her for been clingy to me and it would be my fault. He wasnt particularly hands on with her and had slept downstairs since she was 2 weeks old. However i still dont know if she would be happier living with us together than apart? will she adjust? Also i dont know if i will cope with the times that i have to let her go, and also how will i make that right when the new baby comes along? will i have to just pass he or she over to dad?
I know i'm at the beginning of a long road but i just cant see a way in which it will be ok and i just dont know if i should go back, my ex says i am a selfish mother for moving out. I'm so confused is there anyone else who has been through anything like this?
14/06/2012 at 22:38
i didnt want to read and run as feel so bad for you being in such a stressful situation! I dont have a lot of advice though :/ you're so right, your little girl can't keep witnessing shouting and swearing (he may not be hitting you, but shouting from a grown man is terrifying for a little girl). It also shows him you mean business and won't allow yourself or your 2 children to be treated like that. It sounds like he doesnt realise the affect his behaviour has had or that he might loose you, as he is still insulting you instead of trying hard to work through things, you have some very good reasons to try and change things but theres no point having been so brave to go back for more of the same.
I think you definately need to stay put for now - maybe in time your ex will realise he really might be in danger of permanetly messing things up and agree to try and change. He wont just suddenly be able to loose the temper though, you could look at couples counselling to try and help you communicate better and help him learn different ways to handle his anger. this can only be done if he wants to though and at the moment it sounds like he's still being a total idiot so stay where you and your babies are safe.
you have done such a brave thing - so many people exist in bad situations like that and never get out and their children grow up affected by that. Remember you have been a single parent for some time really - you've done everything for your daughter. do you have family and friends you can call on for support? Have you found out all that you're entitled to financially? Please don't move back lightly, now you've been so brave you need to stand up for what you and your babies deserve xx
14/06/2012 at 22:44
14/06/2012 at 22:47
14/06/2012 at 23:23
Sorry that you're having such a difficult time at the moment and I hope that things get better for you.
You've done an incredibly brave thing for yourself, your daughter and your unborn child. Please continue to be brave, a happy mummy is such an important thing for a child growing up. Please contact your local authority to see if they can give you some practical help regarding income support and housing. Don't be scared of leaning on friends and family for emotional support during this time, they can be such a help at a time like this. Though I'm not a mummy yet, I was in a relationship with an abusive partner, and just because he hasn't hit you, doesn't make the abuse any less valid or traumatic. You know how he has been making you feel and you're a grown woman, can you imagine what effect this can and will have been having on your daughter. Please continue to be safe for your children, there are people out there who can help you.
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