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15/02/2011 at 12:08
I am a stay at home mum with four kids, eldest is 4, youngest 3 months old. I am starting to feel a little bit taken for granted and was just wondering what everyone else thinks. I know if I was working I would expect a full 50/50 split on chores but as I am at home all day what is it reasonable for me to be expected to do?
At the moment I do everything, my husband leaves before the kids are up and gets home after they are in bed. After that I cook us tea, sort washing, get kids outfits for the morning and do the washing up. I do all the housework and any maintenance the house needs as well as sorting out our car if it needs it.
Is this normal or indeed acceptable? What is everyone elses experience?
15/02/2011 at 13:08
Well Buster join the club!!!!
I'm a SAHM and do EVERYTHING however I wouldn't have it any other way-so I guess I'm a mug!!! However my chap is home before 'dinnertime' so we all eat together and on the odd occasion I get to prep tea in peace while he plays with the lads-but that's rare!
If I worked I would also expect 50/50 on chores,but I do see the home/childcare as my 'job',but I understand your'e feeling a bit under appreciated,there are some days I'm still ''working'' 9pm whilst someone else is lazing watching TV,but on saying that he earns the cash so I keep quiet,just pull faces whilst mopping!!!!!
Perhaps you could suggest he helps with washing as he doesnt help with bedtime routine? Do you think that would be ok? I wouldn't ask mine,the clothes would be all muddled and on wrong temp etc......I blame his ma,and me really I let him be like that!!!!!!
Must make sure I help my lads to see chores as every day life,so they make a good husband!!!!!!!!!
15/02/2011 at 15:39
I do everything, but he does any decorating and car maintenance. I work weekends, and I find it very hard as we have 4 children, so the house is a mess by the time I come home on Sunday evening. He feeds the children while I'm at work, and cleans up some of the dishes, but I will do all the rest.
Sometimes I feel like giving up work, but know I can't.
15/02/2011 at 15:53
My husband works shifts so most of the time I do all the work but he is responsible for the cars, garden and the bins every week! He has breaks in his shift cycle and I expect him to do his fair share but it rarely happens, I think they accept they need to do more when we are out working too but assume its all down to us if we are home all day.
I'd try to get him to do bedtime and breakfasts when he's home (works for us even if its only one day a week) and make sure you have that time to yourself.
Failing that, leave him for a full day in charge of everything and everyone and let him see how much you have to do! Then ask him what he would be prepared to do if you were working and why he isn't doing it now. Even if he offers to something small its a start.
Hope you get it sorted out soon, it really isn't fair on you to be doing it all, its his home and kids too! xx
15/02/2011 at 22:25
I do just about all of it here too.I always have.He goes to work,earns the money,I take care of the kids and the house.
DH leaves the house at 6,but he's homeby half past three to four o'clock.For him though,he's done his days work and he's now off work,that would be lying on the sofa,listening to music,maybe upstairs taking a nap,maybe amusing himself on the computer.My day starts as soon as he's out the door.It ends when the works's all finished.On a good day that would be 8 oclock,on a bad one I run out of steam and think sod the housework,I'll do it in the morning.
On a day off DH might unload and reload the dishwasher. It means I spend another ten minutes putting stuff away again in the right place, but I daren't complain or he mightn't do it again.At least most of the stuff is clean.He also hoovers every night,the whole of the downstairs.He didn't used to,but I didn't do it for a few days,and I left it,and left it,and left it and hey,he found the hoover.He hoovers food up the hoover so it's really ruined my Dyson,he's split the hose and I have to go through the contents when he empties it,but again,daren't complain.His only other jobs are bins on bin day,I have to check the recycling goes out,and he gets to do gross things like dead mice and bait,plus the occasional school or nursery run.It's taken years to get him to do just that.If I do go out,that would be to appointments,or child related shopping,or something equally as unexciting,I come back to what you'd expect from a teenage babysitter.they are in the house with an adult,they are fed,they are safe,but no more than that.He has been known to forget the baby needed lunch too.
Everything else is all mine,washing,cooking,cleaning,bedchanging,childcare,all the usual Mum stuff,plus the DIY,the gardening,all the driving even though he's had a license as long as me,and all things car related,all the remembering to do and organise the paperwork,letters,banking,insurance,all that stuff.
My husband's a lazy a**e,no doubt about that.Sometimes it annoys me,sometimes I actually like being in charge of the whole universe,cos then I know it's all taken care of.
16/02/2011 at 22:12
Sounds like all men are more or less the same!
I've been out of the house most of this week, he did the shopping - we have hundreds of potatoes and no toilet rolls or milk! Clearly we are living off anything that involves potato for the next week and not using the loo!
I know what you mean about hoovering, my husband has exploded 2 bags because he forgot they needed to be emptied and backed up the dyson until the suction packed up because he had sucked up a dog chew with the hose, he was only in charge of the hoovering without supervision for 2 weeks at a time whilst I had 3 babies by c-section, its cost more in replacing hoovers than in baby equipment for each child!
I refused to touch any paperwork to do with the household bills as they are all in his name when we moved house, have to laugh every time he needs one because he can't find it but guess who has to find it and gets the blame for not moving it. I guess we can't win either way!
16/02/2011 at 23:33
SAHM here too, and i do all the housework, all the paperwork (even his stuff!he tells me i am more organised ), do most of the house maintenance and everything to do wth the car (because it is mine)! Like many, at the moment i feel its my job to look after the house and feed them all-just wish the pay was better lol!! When Andrew goes to school, the plan is for me to get a job, and i hope that dp will then split all the above me, although i know what Audrey means about coming back to a tip when oh is in charge for a few hours!!
Dp sometimes lets me a couple of hours in bed on a sat morning, but when i get up i often wonder why, as i will hvae my usual chores plus extra tidying from whatever he has been upto with them, and quite often they are never dressed!! he is good really, but i just dont think men are as good as us at tidying along the way.
17/02/2011 at 16:42
Ok, so it is normal! If not ideal. I think I just wish he wouldn't just come in and turn off. I don't get to turn off until in bed and only then for a couple of hours til baby wakes up for a feed!
I don't know if he doesn't notice things need doing or if he chooses to not notice. He never even manages to hit the dirty linen bin with his smalls!! Or if he does it's into a load of clean washing I haven't managed to hang up!!
It's exactly how my brothers were at home and I suspect it's because I don't kick up enough of a stink.
I do get that thing of if he looks after them alone not everything gets done, but he explained that as it's not his job so he's just not as good at it as me, I replied that how would he like if a temp came in and really ballsed stuff up for him at work. He understood.
17/02/2011 at 22:25
Sadly yes it is perfectly normal,but you're allowed to moan hun,rant away.
And no men do not see things that need doing,they see things they want to do!!!! Just one of our many differences!!!!
I was just mopping the floors whilst someone watching the footie but saying that I had 2 good breaks in afternoon-got to have a relax at lunch time!!!!(sssshhhhh)
15/03/2011 at 23:15
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