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07/10/2013 at 08:53
Has anyone been to relate?
H and I haven't been getting on that great for some time and over the weekend it came to a head. I told him I don't feel the same way to him, that I feel we've grown apart, I'm unhappy and basically I've broken him. He was in pieces. I spent most of Saturday out talking to friends, and my sister trying to get my head straight. He was flitting between being angry, and devastated. He asked me to go speak with him so we sat down and talked. I laid all my cards on the table and he's begged me for another chance. He doesn't want me to leave. I've not once said I want to leave him, I just don't love him like I used to. I agreed to try and see if we can work on it. We made an effort to talk and cook a meal together Saturday night, then watched a film curled up on the sofa. However during the night ghe sobbed his heart out. I could hear him crying for hours. He was broken yesterday. A shadow of the man he used to be. I feel awful for doing this to him but we've just been at each others throats for years and it's not right for the kids.
He's basically agreed to anything, says he will change and make me love him again so I'm thinking relate might be able to help us. I just don't know where to start. What do they do? How much does it cost?
I feel awful.
07/10/2013 at 08:59
I have never been, but I know a couple of ladies on BT have been, maybe cross post???
Sorry to hear things aren't great between you two Belle. H and I have been there ( I ended up leaving him for 3 months), we would have been loads better if we went to Relate (hindsight), so I think the fact you are wanting to try that is great.
Really hope someone in the know can come along and help.
07/10/2013 at 09:00
Thanks AK. I feel I need to at least try and give things a chance. If they don't work out we've given it our all. I just feel awful for breaking him.
07/10/2013 at 09:06
I've no experience but I think Relate is free to go to. And there are definitely people here who have used them.
I think that you make an appointment and you work through what is is you want to acheive - so although for many couples it is putting your relationship back together, for others it might be working towards an amicable breakup. I think they can look at ways that you can disagree with each other without arguing, or looking at how you both make the other person feel, etc, etc.
Sorry that things have come to this point. I know that you've hinted in other posts that you've not been feeling happy for a while. Hope they can help you both.
No advice, I have never known anyone use it.
So sorry that it has came to that x
07/10/2013 at 09:07
You can't help how you feel though Belle. When I left my H, TBH, I didn't feel bad, I was just thinking of my kids, and myself. It didn't bother me that he was hurting too. It says a lot that you feel bad for your H...
07/10/2013 at 09:11
AK I'm feeling bad that I feel awful for him, not the possibility we might be splitting up. I've not shed a tear over the marraige itself, just that I've hurt him. I thought that said something in itself.
07/10/2013 at 09:19
I am so sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. My friends went through a really rough patch a few years back and she ended up having a brief fling and left him for 4 months. They both wanted to save the marriage though and went to Relate and she says its the best thing she ever did and they are closer now than ever before. Not sure how much it costs though. Really hope you sort things out and you are feeling happier soon x
Can't offer any advice, but it's good you're talking about it and hoping to work on your relationship - I know you've posted previously about there maybe being problems. xx
07/10/2013 at 09:24
Sorry you are going through this. H and I have had rough patches. I did look into relate And there is a cost, I think it was Around £40 per session although I think it mY be means tested. H and I ended up having counselling together. He suffers from anxiety/depression and the gp referred him for counselling which he claimed through his healthcare, he went alone for a while and then together as a couple, it really helped how we communicate. I something think I don't feel the same way about H but this is often during a bad patch, we will have a tense time then talk it all out and I realise that I do still care a lot. The counselling made us realise that life gets in the way, particularly young children, work, and general pressures, when we get time together alone we get on so well and laugh a lot. I look forward to the stresses lessening and getting back to how things used to be.
07/10/2013 at 09:31
have a read on here and I would also speak to your GP as you can be refered that way, as an emergency you may have to pay but they will be able to recommend counsellors who they have tried and tested.
07/10/2013 at 09:32
Oh how sad for you belle. Really hope you can make it work. X
07/10/2013 at 09:36
Belle I am so sorry. FWIW I think it's always better to raise this stuff sooner than later, before all sorts of resentment creeps in, or some people end up seeking solace elsewhere which is a sh.it-fest no one wants if it can be avoided.
I have used Relate, they asked for a roughly-calculated 'contribution' based on income. I have also used local charity counselling services, same applies. Their intention is for it to be affordable for anyone, so please don't let funds put you off. Whether you reconcile or part ways, communication is so very important and can make the difference between tough-but-doable, and a living hell.
The thing I found about counselling (if I hadn't been attending with a psycho-nutjob who really needed a vet and not a therapist) was how skilled they are at helping you see things from each others' point of view. Which, if you've had enough of someone, doesn't seem that helpful, but the insight it can give is amazing. And especially with men. I don't like to gender-bash but they often feel a lot more than they let on and it can be very useful to see them verbalise some of that, and to see them actively working on those feelings and thoughts.
This is roughly how I believe it goes, (just from having done it and from a friend who told me about her Relate counselling):
First session is just drawing out family tree, relationship history, general background and context. That's nice because it's easy stuff and you're relieved it didn't hurt, lol.
Then it gets in to day to day interactions, how the immediate future (today/tomorrow) might be improved with better communication skills, showing each other more respect (or whatever it is the problem might be on an everyday basis). There might be little tasks you're given in respect of how to deal with things better, giving space, not chatting to relatives about your spouse, not using the kids for oneupmanship - obviously whatever is pertinent to you (I don't know anything about you guys, so I am just reeling off random issues).
When things are a little easier then some real progress can be made if the issues run deeper than rowing, or there are past resentments etc.
My ex and I used to go for a quick drink afterwards each time and discuss anything BUT the session so that we never took it home. It made living with him easier as I could store things for a few days and bring them up 'safely' and be properly heard within the sessions.
I personally think counselling is a must for a serious relationship breakdown. You will always know you both tried and if it doesn't pay off, so be it, but you did your best. And if it means a split, the counsellor can help to naivigate that too and take away some of the tension/anger.
Sorry for rambling, but wanted to pass on as much as I could think of. Best of luck to you both.
07/10/2013 at 09:50
Belle, I have no advice. Really sorry to hear you've had a bad time over the weekend. It's better that you have told H how you feel BEFORE it's too late to (hopefully) fix. You know where I am xx
07/10/2013 at 09:54
Counter money isn't an issue really, we both agree we need some help in overcoming this and getting advice on where we go next. I don't think I want to leave him, but I'm not happy with the way things are or have been for some years. It's taken me a very long time to find the courage to raise this and I genuinely feel like a weight has been lifted. I'm going to give them a call a little later.
07/10/2013 at 10:07
Belle, i'm glad you've decided to go and get help. It will be better for you all in the longrun, whether you decide to stay put or split. At least you will have felt as though you tried.
Hope you can get things sorted belle. I think it's brave to finally admit there's a problem. Keep us updated.
Sorry to hear you're going through that x
07/10/2013 at 10:10
I don't have any advice on the counselling side of things Belle, but I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. Your H sounds like he really wants to give things a go, I hope you can work through it x
07/10/2013 at 10:52
Belle, I can't offer any advice I'm afraid, but just wanted to add my support. Good luck with relate, I hope it helps, its great that you both sound like you want to work thorugh the problems xx
07/10/2013 at 11:56
Definitely worth trying,like you say, you will know you gave it a good shot.
Our relationship isn't perfect so I'm not in a position to offer advice.just wanted to send a hug and an apple!xx
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