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16/03/2013 at 08:06
Before I say this I should say my husband is a lovely and kind man and brilliant Daddy BUT the man has no concept of forward planning or how it's the small gestures that matter.. So I'll list his crimes...
1. I gave birth to his daughter on 6th of Jan after 40 hours in labour and a section. Not so much as a cheap balloon or bunch of flowers did i come home to... (but he was very good domestically which is new to him).
2. H was away 9th to 16th Feb missing valentines. No card or present arrive.
3. TThis year was my first mothers day. The Thursday before he rings from Kenya to ask I send his mom a card. Nothing arrives for me... now I had reminded him it was coming up and to sort his mom a card so you'd think he'd realise he needed to forward plan. as he's very little phone signal and no Internet at all.
I've not heard from him since the mothers day card call. He rang early on mothers day and we were sleeping and it took an hours drive to find signal (his mother tells me joyfully filling me in on the lovely conversation they had). He also had presents made for both I and E out there and I know my eternity ring will be here on Es first birthday but I'm miffed at his lack of thoughtfulness.
As ppunishment me and E have had new outfits, lunch out with my brother, and Sunday lunch with my mon stepdad, brother and sister in law all paid for by him. (He doesn't know this yet having no Internet access to check our bank)..
So how much more can I get away with and how can I make him learn that these things matter to me.. or do I need to just accept they don't to him and carry on treating myself on his behalf...?
16/03/2013 at 08:09
this sounds like my husband but without the excuse of being overseas. I've come to accept that he doesn't do these kind of days.
16/03/2013 at 08:23
1. I think the fact he was good domestically speaks volumes, men like to be practical so the flowers idea may not have occurred to him if he was already thinking how great he was by taking care of things at home.
2. Do you normally do V day? It's not something that would bother me and I would accept that he is somewhere where sending cards is not always possible...and he may have more important things to do.
3. Yes he should have sorted something for your first Mother's Day...but then you did say he went out of his way (literally) to call you and has presents to give when he sees you.
Personally I see no further need for punishment.
16/03/2013 at 08:48
Tbh re the birth, I'd think flowers would be the last thing on his mind. I don't see the need for presents at birth, you both have a lovely new baby iyswim
Valentines day I see as a money making exercise so we don't bother
Mothers day I'd have been miffed, but he is thousands of miles away and probably just hasn't thought as you aren't his mum iyswim, he might just not have realised that he now has to buy for you now iyswim
I'd be miffed if he missed birthdays and anniversarys but I wouldn't be that fussed about the other days. I suppose you could just do the same for Father's Day and see if he notices
16/03/2013 at 09:20
He is young, he will learn C is only just getting good at the whole present thing. Thoughtfulness doesn't come naturally and he's had to learn- he's nearly 30!
But in the meantime, you need to lay the guilt trip on him. How upset you were that you didn't get a first Mother's Day pressie or even card. You'll never get that back yadda yadda. He's bound to feel awful. My guess is it hasnt even clicked as he's only had HIS mother to deal with usually.
Ps. I wonder if you're getting the pressies C had made for me? They're lovely but I won't say as it'll ruin the surprise :)
16/03/2013 at 09:31
I thought it'd be a case of me overreacting... never, I hear you say haha.
He infered he'd buy flowers etc asking the nurse if he could bring some in but was told no please leave them at home. And knows we always do valentines and had planned to make Saturday our make up day then realised getting a valentines card on 16th Feb isn't so easy. So he skimmed over it.
He also asked me what I'd like for mothers day... (a fingerprint necklace) and commented he'd have to borrow E to organise it in advance as it would take a while.
I'm not even sure it's lack of thought, as he thinks about things, it's lack of organisation in following them through.
Needless to say I'm going to treat myself (and him) in advance to nice easter eggs haha.
And I think so Missus. He said E has a hand carved plaque wot her name and date of birth I think he said. I would put money on him buying me a chopping board as a) we need one and b) it'll match the rolling pin I got for Xmas!
16/03/2013 at 09:51
I never got a chopping board but yeah those lovely hand carved plaques. They're really good! Mine has elephants on it so its going in H's elephant nursery :)
16/03/2013 at 12:03
I think you should remember the first bit you wrote and not sweat the other stuff. I didn't get, expect or even think about a present from H when I had the babies, I had enough crap from everyone else clogging up the house. He told me I was amazing, etc, and he was there. Actually he probably deserved a present from me having to watch Jack being born.
Valentines day - never got the point of that when you are married. It's not about that.
Mothers day - less excusable, but understandable as he's not even in the country.
He's had an eternity ring made for you and you are annoyed at his lack of thoughtfulness?!
And you've spent his money and he doesn't know? Do you normally do this or just because you were annoyed? I wouldn't dream of doing that to my H- but then our relationship is clearly different to yours, we have a joint budget and say if we're spending a lot in one go.
I think I'm missing the issues here. I don't think he deserved any punishment, maybe a hug and a kiss instead.
16/03/2013 at 12:25
I think you're lucky to have a wonderful husband who's a brilliant dad to your child - I would settle for a H that was good domestically and was arranging for me to have an eternity ring made!!!
This year is the 1st time (my eldest is 5) that H has made the effort on Mother's day, I got a card & flowers I was over the moon. Don't do Valentines and didn't expect/get present from him when babies were born. Think I may have lower expectations than you!!
Does he know you're annoyed about any of these things? You do have to spell that kind of stuff out to men I find. I don't know what your H does but if he struggles to get mobile/internet connection where he is then I'd excuse his lack of organising mother's day card/pressie just this once but tell him you'd like something next time.
16/03/2013 at 12:48
I should say, I do only mean this in a lightharted way. He won't ever change, or notice the punishments . I sound like a right madam (the name is very apt). I should add, his Mom is furious, over the missing of mothers day for me in particular. Because, as I said he is such a lovely, soppy soft man.. Just maybe a forgtful, unorganised one!!
Catrina - oh don't get me wrong I do have an eternity ring coming... It's taken two years of nagging to persuade him and an extorninately priced gun for him (I hate guns, it was the only way ).
And yes often spend his money when he doesn't know. He is in the army and unfortunately when he is away for 6 months at a time I can't wait for the weekly phone call to get permission to buy food / pay bills (could you imagine!) - that said I only spend what's in the joint account (he obviously has his cards with him) which is also my money (albeit a lot less now i'm on SMP). But I guess what I mean is that these are frivilous treats i'd got out of a habit of having while pregnant. It felt very "treat like" at the time... It's not at all is it?
16/03/2013 at 12:53
Mossy - he knows it upsets me, and would have been upset had I not got him a Fathers day card or Vday one back! He's in the army so away a lot, hence this situation arises every special occasion... Xmas, birthdays, Anniversaries (though I had him for our first).
16/03/2013 at 13:28
I don't think I'd mind if it was pure forgetfulness, if he just couldn't be bothered that would be another matter!
It's taken me till now to accept that men are just different to women when it comes to these things!
What will he say when he sees you've been spending, will he be angry or just accept it? New outfits are necessary not frivilous :-)
16/03/2013 at 20:08
Honestly? He'd encourage it which is why he makes me so mad. He really is kind and generous so it's not even about spending money or not thinking etc. If he had a PA to follow up his ideas we'd both be happy. If he were here and said I wanted something while we are out in town he'd buy it then but would never think to go back for it as a surprise. I'm not sure i can/should even mention mothers day he'll be so cross with himself iyswim. But I'll guarantee next year will be the same haha. I think my lesson for today is.... be thankful for s loving faithful hubby and Try focusing on that. Any treat myself if I'm going to be miffed he didn't !
16/03/2013 at 20:28
I'd take a H who would happily spend money on me if I saw something I liked, mine is tight lol. You are lucky but I can see why you're annoyed with the forgetfulness but believe me, he could be far far worse!
16/03/2013 at 20:31
I reckon thateveryrelationship is different and if he knows these things are important to you then he should do them. My hubs texts me that he loves me several tines a day because he knows I love it and would be upset now if he didn't,but other couples I know rarely text each other anything apart from "I'll be home late" and that suits them just fine. If your hubs knew these things mean a lot to you AND he had already discussed it with you too, then I can see why you're miffed tbh - even though those particular things. Might not bother me (the mothers day one would!!!).
17/03/2013 at 16:51
I'd be happy to wait for the eternity ring TBH! None of that seems punishable to me
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