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08/03/2013 at 20:52
I asked Ex via email if his parents want to see the children over Easter. This is his reply:
'Yes, my parents would like to see them over the Easter holidays. I’d also like to try having U stay with me while B stays with my Mum.'
What do you think?
As suggested I asked him why he couldn't have both of them together. His reply was 'Yes, I want to see how Ursula settles/her routine in my house on her own.'
Personally I think it will more difficult for U on her own. I am also now concerned with regards the dog. Very long story short we had a very large dog which decided it didn't like B anymore and would growl around the children and then snapped/went for B the August before U was born. From that point on the dog was kept entirely separate from the children and the house was separated in two to ensure this. The vet suggested putting the dog down long before that happened. We were investigating having the dog rehomed (were treated horribly by the rehoming people -even longer story). When he left he hired a car so he could take the dog with him. I asked for assurances that he wouldn't allow the dog near the children. B ahs told me when he stayed at Daddy's house they took the dog for a walk and Ex let B stroke the dog. I am extremely uncomfortable with this. This dog could kill in seconds. I really wish I had stood up to him when we were together and taken the dog to the vets. He is a bit blase with the dog. The ideal would be if the dog turned round and killed him but hey. Would really appreciate advice and really appreciate all the advice so far
08/03/2013 at 20:54
Its progress. What are you unsure of more B staying with mil or u stayin with dad?
08/03/2013 at 20:57
My first thought was that it is progress. My second thoughts were annoyance that his parents were never able to look after the kids when we needed time together when we were married but hey! Also why the hell can't he ever look after both kids on his own? Also why split the kids up? Especially as U doesn't particularly 'know' him anymore. Havign her brother there would at least be a reassurance for her if she wakes up and is upset. I think he deserves to struggle with dealing with them but I don't want the kids to be unhappy.
08/03/2013 at 20:58
What would B and U think of that? Would they be happy to be split in this way? If they are, I'd go for it, especially if it's a step towards him having them both overnight together (if that is what you want).
08/03/2013 at 20:59
Ooops, overlapped, I think you've just answered my questions!
08/03/2013 at 21:01
My youngest is a similar age and I think she will prefer staying somewhere else if her brothers are with her. Not that we've had much chance yet but hopefully soon.
How do the kids feel about it? How do you feel?
Personally I never turn down a babysitting opportunity but that's because they are so rare. Worth giving it a try maybe and if it doesn't work out you'll know she's too young and leave it for a bit longer.
08/03/2013 at 21:09
I think it's a shame he can't 'try' to have them both together but I guess it is progress of sorts-but only progress if the children are happy with it...I know its a tough situation to be in, I have been there and you have my sympathy xx
08/03/2013 at 21:13
I know what you mean. Ask him why he feels he can't have both yet and go from there. Its a step so take it cos you know if you don't he's gonna flip it as you obstructing contact x
When B stayed over at his father's on his own he excitedly told someone that it meant that Daddy would have U on her own so that he could have a special night with mummy. So I think he saw it as U getting a treat to spend the night on her own with me. He came back after spending the night very subdued which I'm not sure whether it meant that he had a crap time with Daddy or whether he was disappointed to be home.
With no disrespect to the kids I REALLY REALLY need a break. But I want to do the best for the children ratehr than just pack them off even if they are unhappy.
I haven't mentioned it to the kids yet because I've only just got the email and also would be very nervous telling them until it is time for it to happen in case he lets them down.
08/03/2013 at 21:43
He was more than likely subdued cos its all new and he couldn't quite get his head around it. Not necessarily cos he had a bad time or didn't want to be home. Equally he may have been acting that way so not to upset you. Kids feel incredibly guilty if they tell the RP what a wonderful time they had with the NRP its so bloody tough on the poor little mites.
If you need a break and they are safe at MILs then let them go. As i said above he will only twist it if you don't agree anyway. Ok they go they are upset. Lesson learnt and you will all move on from it. But ifs and maybes won't get you far. Your a bloody brilliant mum to these two wonderful children and never once have i heard you say anything other than them coming first. Don't ever doubt yourself. You are doing brilliantly x
08/03/2013 at 22:21
Belle cheers for that chuck I do my best to be excited for them over things they get excited about even if it is twat face. ~But I remember as a child trying to put a face on for my mother (even though she was an evil cow) and worrying about her and fecking hate the thought of them doing that. Might as well go for it and pray U is okay.
ETA because it wasn't supposed to be a winky smilie.
ETA again because it keeps coming up as a winkie smilie even though I didn't wnat that.
08/03/2013 at 23:54
Although it's totally a different situation, my MIL never looked after M unless she was in bed sleeping by the time she got here. I always worry about M waking and finding that it's Granny that's here rather than me and being upset. TBH though she's never woken ans actually last time MIL babysat she said to us to go out and leave her to put M to bed. I had reservations about it but just let her get on with it rather than argue with H, thinking I'd come home if she wouldn't settle, and it was fine (apart from MIL not putting her to bed till 9pm but thats me being picky..apparently ). Worst case scenario, they don't settle - and you go pick them up, or H picks up B from his mum's and the three of them spend time together - best case scenario, they are all happy and you get a night off.
It's hard as a mum not to instinctively "protect" your children, but sometimes the best you can do for all concerned is to sit back and let things happen - be ready for worst-case scenario but hopefully it'll never come to that x
12/03/2013 at 19:09
12/03/2013 at 21:18
IMO if you think the dog is a real danger then you have to tell him that if U stays with him the dog is either locked in a room or goes to his parents. This isn't just doing things differently and putting up with his ways, this is a potentially dangerous situation.
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