Getting Pregnant <
Long term TTC & infertility
07/04/2014 at 21:12
I don't know how to cope.
Everywhere I turn, there are pregnancy announcements and births. I'm now on hearing 6 pregnancies in the last 5 weeks, and 5 births, all from friends. Of course, it's a different story when hearing it on here (obviously, I don't mind on here because it's a pregnancy forum!!!) but when it's friends and family conceiving at the drop of a hat.......
I'm fitter and healthier than any of them. Most of them live not particularly healthy life-styles (either starving themselves or are very overweight, don't exercise and eat badly) and it just isn't fair how it's just so easy for some. It's even worse when they're unplanned pregnancies announced alongside a 'It was clearly meant to be!' Going by that logic, all of us who are struggling ttc, is THAT also meant to be??
Yes, for those of you that don't know me, I know I'm coming across as a spoilt brat, I know that and I'm really, REALLY sorry, but after months and months of heartbreak already and getting forward what seems like only an inch, whilst others who started ttc at the same time as me now have their babies...it's safe to say I'm really, really struggling. How many more pregnancies and births before I even get a regular cycle?
I'm finding I'm blaming myself for it not working out; should we have ttc earlier in life? I don't know.
I'm just finding it harder with every announcement.
10/04/2014 at 15:23
ive not been on in a while! reading your post is exactly how I was feeling for a good long time (still do seeing/hearing people and their pregnancies). its a horrible feeling because you feel like a spoilt brat and such a green eyed monster. i think its perfectly natural.
I blame myself. ALOT. But I haven't even seen the hospital yet. My first appointment is next Wednesday. My OH has been confirmed as having Super Sperm (I imagine them with little capes haha) which made me feel even worse.
Your are not alone! Chin up (I know its hard) but I am a firm believer it will happen, need to take my own advice sometimes, but I cant give up. And neither should you. xxxx
10/04/2014 at 16:39
That is exactly how I felt for months. For some reason I kept noticing pregnant women more, I saw prams and babies everywhere and kept asking myself: Why them and not me? At one point I felt like a kicking them all to the ground - I know this sounds very very wrong, but that is how I felt. My first baby was taken away from me and I kept seeing all these chavs and drunkheads with their babies and it was clear that they didn't want them. How did they deserve to have a baby? Why have I lost mine? Why have I struggled to conceive again? I kept asking myself these questions every day!!!
I have given up after months of trying. The Drs told us that we will never have children naturally and that we will need IVF so I checked out some private clinics and signed up for the egg-sharing program. Poor DH was devastated also, he was on Clomid and couldn't even get a proper erection - bless him. And that is when I conceived - I am calling this little one a miracle baby and I truly believe that he / she is a pure miracle.
I cannot offer any advice honey, because when I was in that situation, I felt like there was no way out and I just wanted to die
I really hope that it happens for you soon. You truly deserve it and you will be a fantastic mum one day!!!
10/04/2014 at 22:40
I do just feel like a horrible horrible person!! And I'm not a horrid person, I'm just struggling with why not me right now? What have I (and indeed anyone) done to deserve to have to go through this and yet other people who don't deserve children, who treat their current children like vermin, just keep popping them out??
In my appointment yesterday I found out my luteal cyst has grown to near 8cm, full of blood. Hasn't got smaller, but has in fact nearly doubled in size. They expected it to collapse with af, but it's grown. If it ruptures it could damage my ovary which will lead to a number of problems and difficulties with ttc - all this from the only thing that has made me ovulate!! I'm now not allowed Clomid for at least a month, likely 2, because it could make it worse. So you can imagine, with all that, I just can't stomach waiting and waiting with nothing happening. I just felt like things were getting somewhere when I finally ovulated and now I can't even take the tablets to make that happen again. I know this month will be hell because it will be anovulatory and will seem the longest month ever - or however long my cycle decides to be.
Judy, you are so kind and I can't even express how happy I am that you are well on your way to becoming a mum I remember when you were really down, and my heart absolutely broke for you. This is what's making it more prominent - I never saw myself ever getting to be so upset. I saw so many ladies really down about ttc and I promised myself I wouldn't get sad or stressed and just to take things as they came..but then again, I didn't expect a year of essentially no ovulation! I could handle a year if things were working but I've only just got to the stage where my body is doing what it should and cruelly, it's been taken away because my stupid body messed up again.
And again, what a silly cow I sound like - people keep saying there's hope. But I just can't grasp it from anywhere. I'm eternally optimistic usually. Even when I know there's no chance, I STILL have a glimmer of hope...but that has just totally gone. I was home alone after my appointment yesterday and just sat crying for hours. My eyes were a total mess this morning...
How hard should it have to be?!
Wishing with everything I have that your journey is shorter than mine, BooKitty xxxx
11/04/2014 at 23:50
Ur not a bad person for feeling this way. After 2.5 years of TTC I hated every pregnant person I saw. It's very difficult to accept that so many people have no problem falling pregnant yet for some of us it's a real struggle. I finally fell pregnant thanks to clomid (my lo is now 2) but I started to notice when I was pregnant certain women looking at me the way I used to look at pregnant wowen and in a way it made me laugh coz I knew they were thinking 'silly cow bet she got pregnant straight away' when it really wasn't like that. I have now turned into someone I once hated - I managed to fall pregnant naturally after 3 months of trying for baby number 2! Ironic I guess Lol.
keep ur head up. U will get there eventually. I hope u can get back onto clomid soon and it works for u too. Good luck xx
12/04/2014 at 16:13
Haha! It is ironic how it can all switch round, I guess, yeah! Thanks for your lovely words, Alice. It's really encouraging to hear how it's all worked out for some women, really does give me a bit of hope back!
It's nice to hear that I'm not alone with the feelings - it's just not something I'm used to experiencing. I'm normally so happy for people when good stuff happens and I feel so bitter! I don't treat them any differently but inside I've turned into one of the insane purple Minions, screaming FFS!!!!!!!! HOW MANY MORE OF YOU WILL GET THERE BEFORE ME??!!! And breeeeeeeeeeeeeathe!
I'm feeling ok today, husband is being lovely, really quite beyond even his usual incredible self (think he feels a bit bad that he was given a ridiculously good bill of health...!). Trying to do things to keep my mind off it all, like going out for a run and planning house renovations. Also, I'm supposed to be running the Great North Run and a marathon in Autumn so I'm just going to have to approach it from the perspective that if it doesn't happen, it's just another month I'm able to train for that. Obviously if I conceive before then, I won't be running either race!! But if it hasn't happened by August, I'll just have a few months off ttc and enjoy the marathon, then think again about starting in October.
Thank god I have a busy life with lots of hobbies, otherwise I think I would have actually gone mad already....
Thanks again for your really needed advice xxx
13/04/2014 at 08:16
Oh WooH Hun. If anyone knows how you are feeling it's me, I felt exactly like that too. My best friend and my sister both told me they were pregnant last year and it broke my heart. i was happy for them but so envious why I couldn't get pregnant too. You do feel angry at the world, it turns you into someone you don't want to be. Really awful. Both my sisters got pregnant first month trying with their kids and I couldn't understand why I am different to them. We share DNA damn it!! The only thing that kept me going through those 3 years was to truly believe that one day I WILL be pregnant. I believed that every child was born at the right time is all and my baby just wasn't ready to come to me yet. I also believe that my dad (who passed away two years ago) was waiting with my baby and would send him to me when the timing was right. It's the only thing that kept me going through that year of no ovulation, the 6 months of clomid, the failed ivf cycle and the months in between of ovulating on soy but not falling too. I felt so helpless but I knew I would never give up and whatever it took I would get there. Well here I am and cautiously anxious it's going to be ok but inside I know this is my baby and it's my time. You will get there my sweet, maybe not this month, maybe not even next month but you will and then all this will be the past and will be just what you had to do to get your little baby. We are all with you every step of the way Hun and we won't give up hoping and praying for you either. Xxxxxxx
13/04/2014 at 10:23
Wooh, I don't really have any helpful advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and I TOTALLY feel your pain. I know a couple who are now in tbeir second pregnancy during the time we have been trying, my stepsister (and her husband, who are AWFUL parents), their youngest is 1 today, they conceived whilst we have been trying (they already have 2 kids who are very badly behaved because the parents don't show them right from wrong, the third was "an accident" RAAAAAH!!! My brother and his wife got preggo their first month of trying, they told me on christmas eve and I spent the next hour in floods of tears feeling like a mega bitch and then at work on Friday a colleague announced she was preggo and then started asking whether we were still trying and how it was going. I didn't really know what to say as it was the day after our clinic appt where we were told we'd probably need ivf.
My dh says that its because our baby will be extra special, which is why it's taking longer to make.
So no helpful advice on how to cope, just wanted to share some of my experiences and let you know that I also turn into a raging, bitter, angry green eyed monster quite regularly too. Big hugs hon xx
24/04/2014 at 10:38
24/04/2014 at 19:53
Its amazing how insensitive people can be isn't it. I am so going to steal your response though, thats brilliant!
25/04/2014 at 21:41
Haha, makes them blush, and gets me out a nasty situation every time xx
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