I thought that I was getting along with my second mmc, that I was prepared from the begining that something wrong might happen (since I was bleeding the last 2 weeks - pregnant for 5+3). Actually I felt relieved thinking that I didn't want a pregnancy that will keep me in bed worrying to death all the time.
I haven't realy grieved which I think is striking now.
There are days that I feel bad, and realy scared that I won't be able to have children.
I'm going to do some tests next month and I'm so worried that the doctor will find something not normal.
My fiance is always there for me, even when I'm so angry and scream at him, and he tries to support him, but I know that it has been bad for him as well. Then I'm trying to hide my feelings because I don't want to upset him. I just want us to be happy with a baby :\(
I want so much to cry now but I'm in the office and I don't want anyone to see me ( my soul is :cry.

On top of that I'm jealous of every pregnant woman on earth. Probably I shouldn't be feeling like that and I regret it, but it makes me so sad seeing women with a big belly!
I feel like hiding, staying home and doing nothing. I don't feel like meeting people, I just want to be on my own...

Hi Anthi

Sorry things are so difficult for you right now. I know it won't make things easier to deal with but please know that you are not alone in your thoughts and feelings and I am sure that most of the ladies here have been there at some point (I know I certainly have/am!).

After all you've been through it's completely natural to worry about the future and potential problems. But remember that statistics are still on your side and there's a good chance that having two mmc's was down to really bad luck and that everything will be ok next time.

I understand the anxiety of waiting for tests and results - we are seeing the Fertility Consultant on Friday to get our test results after 3 mc's and almost of 10 weeks of waiting for the results. It's really difficult but you will get through it. Try and think of the tests as a positive step forwards towards getting your baby.

I'm glad your OH is being supportive - it really does make the world of difference. I went through a stage of pushing my OH away after my 1st and 3rd mc but with some help I came to realise that we're in this together and it helps to keep communicating and to grieve together. I am sure your partner is upset whether he sees you crying and upset or not - comfort eachother through this awful time. Bottling up your feelings won't do you any good - you need to let the pain out.

And it's completely normal to be jealous of pregnant ladies - I know most of the ladies on here are (me included!). They have something that you so desperately want, something that you had until it was cruelly taken away - there's bound to be resentment. But it will pass and slowly you will heal and feel stronger to deal with these things.

And remember we're always here to listen.

Thinking of you.

Love NN xx

Thank you so much NN,

It is so different to talk to someone that has gone through the same situation as yours.
I feel like no one else understands what's realy happening. Everyone says "Don't worry, it just happened, probably for a good reason. Of course you'll be able to have kids don't be stupid" but I don't want to hear any of these....what I want it just to talk to someone, listen to me and give me a hug...I want them to let me feel the way I want to....I don't want to hear "chear up" when I'm down...

I keep looking at my belly thinking how would I look when it'd grow bigger..........I wish i was still pregnant...

Hope your results are good. It must have really been heart aching to have to wait for so long.
Please let us know what the doctor say.

Love Anthi

Hi Anthi,
I feel like a shrivelled old shrew at the moment as I too resent/am jealous of all the pregnant ladies. I know that seems really mean and we will be one of those ladies too one day (PMA!!) but I guess it is part of the grieving process. I don't wish them any harm, it just puts salt in the already burning wound.
Although it hurts to confront the emotiona and the pain of grief it does seem to get better if you do it. I am still trying to do this, and get very angry for having to feel this way, but hopefully it will start to feel better soon. I have had 2 MMC now and have found the grieving process different for both.
I hope you feel better soon. Sending you a much deserved HUG!
Lilou xx

Anthi hello

Sorry to hear your sad news. When you talk about that feeling of knowing something was wrong, I can relate to that as I think last week I had this over whelming feeling that it something was wrong but wanted so much to be thinking is was all going to be ok, but the worry over the weekend combined with the bit of bleeding and pains made my worry -o-meter go off the richer scale. By Monday morning before that scan I knew it was going to be bad news and my nerves were eating me up and making me feel sick to my stomach. So when the sonographer told us the bad news although part of me felt like I'd died too there was this strange sense of relief that at least I knew for sure now and I could cope with that information and be able to deal with it?? All sounds a bit weird I know. But I guess our gut instincts are right sometimes.

Anyway I don't think I have grieved properly yet and am a bit scared of how that will take its toll on me, perhaps the shock of it all happening on Monday has not yet sunk in fully, but when it does I know it will be awful as I have suffered from depression quite badly in the past so am frightened. I don't want to go out either or see anyone which is very unlike me but I feel so disapointed and hurt with what life has just dished me out that going outdoors just seems too bigga thing for me to handle at the moment.

Am I being pathetic, I don't think so I just think we deal with what we can, when we can, and we all need a hand to hold sometimes to help us take that step forward. That why we are all here and talking to each other.

Lou x