30/04/2014 at 01:43
I had my DD in January of last year, coincidently it was two days after my DS' second birthday. From the offset I was very teary but I put it down to my hormones adjusting. I then became paranoid and angry, I hated leaving the house and put off invites out as well as people coming over. I felt like I spent all day with my children but actually spent no time with them at all. I Felt guilty that they ended up being stuck in because I couldn't face going outside. I also became possessive of my DD which in turn made her clingy. I didn't have thoughts of suicide but I didn't not want to exist, I wanted to run and leave in the middle of the night and go where no one could find me. I resented my partner to the point where I physically hated him, I couldn't stand to be anywhere near him and blamed him for everything. I would beg him to help as I couldn't cope and the criticise whatever he did.
When my DD was around seven months I hit my lowest point during a family holiday, I unfairly screamed at my two year old and I saw the fear in his eyes and the shock in my partners. I could no longer fight what I was feeling and so I got into the car and drove three hours back home leaving my partner and two children on holiday.
Shortly after this episode I was pushed into going to the doctors, which I also resented as I felt my family were all conspiring against me. I was diagnosed and put on tablets. I have been them for almost eight months and although I still have low days I feel a million times better than I did a year ago. Saying this I recent had a sickness bug nd missed a week's worth of tablets, I've done a full 180 and I am back in the place I was, although I have been taking them regularly again they don't seem to have brought me back to where I was before. I was hoping to come off them in the very near future but this has made my anxiety sore even thinking about it.
I now feel very low again, teary, angry, I can't sleep as my mind is constantly swirling with thoughts. Now my DS is three he goes to nursery two Mornings a week and the other mornings I take them both to stay and play sessions despite the struggle of getting out. I then spend my afternoon indoors which has lead to my DS' behaviour to become challenging. My DD is very demanding of my attention and a will scream if I even cuddle my as well as push him away and even bite. I feel I cannot give him the stimulation he now needs and I cannot give him one on one time. So I am also feeling guilty and low about just letting/expecting him to get in with it while I wallow or tend to his more demanding sister. I know this is why he is misbehaving and that I should sit and talk with him rather than shout and when I go over all this in my head I feel so awful for him.
I have such good intentions of things to do but in reality I just don't have the energy or even want to. Is it possible the tablets are now not having as much of an affect? Or am I just simply having a low point that will pass? I feel like I am spiralling down again and I am worried one one morning I'm just not going to get out of bed or worse that I'll take off again, leaving me and my family feeling devastated at my actions.
I don't think I am explaining very well, it's difficult to put it all down even as a summery. I am after advice, how long should I expect to feel lime this? I am so tired of feeling so depressed and I don't know where to turn next.
30/04/2014 at 07:33
Im sorry you feel like this. I have blue days but not like you describe. Can the doctor refer you on to a counsellor. Sometimes it helps to talk things through. Wish i could offer more advice and support. Good luck xx
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