09/12/2018 at 10:25
Hi everyone I’ve got a 5 week old baby daughter.
I suffered with bad depression back in 2014. I took Citalopram in 2014 and eventually got myself into a much better place. Life was really good. I moved out with my partner, got engaged and then married. I honestly had never been happier. We started trying for a baby a few months after marriage. Pregnancy was good and I was so excited to meet our baby.
Had an uncomplicated normal straight forward delivery. After birth I didn’t feel that instant rush of love that everyone talks about. I was in complete and utter shock that we had a had girl because I was convinced it was a boy. That first night I remember crying to my husband that I felt like I hadnt bonded with her and she felt like she wasn’t mine. But overnight I breastfed her and these feelings soon passed. I think I just needed some time alone with her to get to know her a bit.
I got baby blues around day 3- 5. Yes i felt emotional and cried but as I have suffered from depression before they were nothing in comparison. Having a new baby was the biggest shock of my life I couldn’t believe how much time a little one would take up and how I didnt even have time for a shower.
My husband and my mum went back to work after 2 weeks and this is where I really struggled for a week. I could barely even cook a meal or leave the house due to constant breastfeeding. Consequently I gave up breastfeeding and felt like a weight had been lifted.
Last week had a good week. I was able to leave the house, cook meals and have some sort of routine. I was so worried that the dogs would harm her and hated the thought of hot drinks being drank over her.
But this week I’ve almost been resenting her for ruining my life. I can’t go to the gym, my body isn’t the same, I can’t leave the house at the drop of the hat. And sometimes I am hating motherhood and thinking what the hell have I done. My husband and our families absolutely adore her and I’m sat her just feeling numb and nothing. I used to wake up in a panic and check on her several times a night but now I don’t even do that.
Since about Tuesday I have felt so down and depressed and I feel like I haven’t bonded with her. Although I am convinced we did have a bond of some sort that was developing as I was so concerned about her welfare.
I went to the GP on Friday and have been prescribed Citalopram again for PND. My anxiety and lie mood has rocketed. I’ve confided in my husband and my mum and dad and they think because of the depression my mind if playing tricks on me and that we have really bonded but because I’m not well I can’t see it now. So what I’m asking is Do you think we have bonded? Or is this just a part of PND?
I feel so guilty she is everything I have ever wanted but I’m struggling adjusting to motherhood. She really is a beautiful girl. Once the antidepressants have kicked in do you think I will feel a bond with her again?
09/12/2018 at 11:36
Hi hon, you are describing me, when i had my first child 9 years ago. I felt the same as you - and i too have a history of depression, and i felt it creeping back in when the baby was born. I remember my husband going back to work after 2 weeks, and the absolute fear of coping without him there (i think i was terrified of being alone with the baby).
Let me tell you this. Post birth, your body is doing SO much. The hormones really are insane, the recovery your body is going through, the tiredness, you are almost not your own person. But this shall pass.
But you have done EVERYTHING right. You went to the GP, you spoke to family and told them how you are feeling, you are back on the antidepressants, so you are actually doing amazing, you just might not be able to to see that in the fog of what is clouding your mind.
I know you can't see the wood for the trees right now, but the best advice i can give you is take each day as it comes. Don't think about the whole week, just focus on that one day. Wait for the meds to kick in. i think you do truly love your baby girl, but sometimes, it can be so hard to adjust. I stopped eating after the birth of my first, food made my throat close up. I just felt like i couldn't get my arse into gear, day in, day out. I got help from my MIL, she helped me do small things, she helped with dinner, too the pressure off a bit you know?
I really do know how you are feeling, and i think you'll get there. Enjoy the little things, keep expectations small. Try not to focus on those horrible anxieties like baby getting hurt - tell yourself STOP! when they creep in. Just give it some my time honey (sorry for essay!) x
09/12/2018 at 11:58
Thanks for your reply. Did the bond come once PND started to be treated?
09/12/2018 at 12:07
With my first child, the bond was there.With my second child, it came a few months later, but it DID come. x
09/12/2018 at 12:45
Well I feel like there was something there. But now I just feel numb. I’m hoping with treatment I will get our bond back. I still care about her massively x
09/12/2018 at 13:04
Maybe you're feeling numb to everything - not just the baby? I think it will pass, give it time and try not to focus too much on the negative, the love is there, just hiding for a bit. x
09/12/2018 at 14:43
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I do feel numb about everything. Can’t wait for the meds to kick in.
09/12/2018 at 19:27
How long you been on them? Give it 3/4 weeks, and you'll come out of the fog. Hang in there, and remember, take it day by day. Always here to chat 😊
09/12/2018 at 20:34
Only since Friday
10/12/2018 at 07:14
Thanks for your reply. Im glad ive sought help early and I’ve got a really supportive family and mother in law that will help me xx
10/12/2018 at 09:52
Ok, so hang on for a bit, you'll get there - by this friday, you'll be a week in, and i believe the meds are cumulative, so everyday you should make a tiny improvement. You have lots of people and support too - hang in there, and remember if you are having a bad day, tomorrow is a new one. x
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