29/07/2013 at 20:54
. . . following on from AR's BFP thread and people thinking it was me, thought I would update you on where I'm at.
Jemima is now 2.5 years old. I always said I wanted a 3 year age gap and stopped taking the pill a couple of months ago at my husband's request BUT we have not been DTD unprotected in that time as I have been getting myself all upset at the thought of being pregnant/delivering/having a newborn again.
For those who don't know me from Hitched, Jemima was born in a 90 second c-section at exactly 30 weeks (or 29+4 by my dates) weighing 2lb 12oz following a placental abruption and spent almost two months in special care.
I was "fine" when she was in hospital and have kept telling myself that the feelings of sadness/anxiety/terror relating to pregnancy/newborns would diminish over time and I would "get over it" and go on to have more children.
unfortunately that hasn't proved to be the case. While the country celebrated the birth of the royal baby, I spent two day on the brink of tears, feeling incredibly sad we were not congratulated on our daughter's birth, people were understandably very shocked (as there was no warning) and didn't want to act insensitively, but more importantly, that my baby spent the first night of her life, and many nights after that, on her own. That constant knot is my chest still physically comes back and certain triggers - like the royal baby being discharged - had me physically shaking and crying . The feelings about being separated from my tiny baby every night are as fresh now as they were then. I relive that time over and over in my head. Not good.
Anyone who knows me would be very surprised to know/hear any of this as I have tried really hard to bury these feelings and move on over the last 2.5 years.
Anyway, having spoken to two of my prem mummy friends at length, I have made an appointment at my GP for this Thurs to discuss being referred for some sort of counselling.
i haven't told any of my family about this or anything, I'm actually dreading it because I'm embarrassed because my daughter is absolutely healthy and I don't know what to say. Know I have to go though
So we went to see the GP at 1.30pm and she was lovely. I managed to get a rambling version of the story out and within three minutes she said: "You need counselling. This is not a medication issue." Of which I was very relieved and at which my H immediately piped up: "Oh no, defo not a medication issue. I used to work in mental health and she's very definitely not depressed." That was my biggest fear really, that they would just palm me off with anti Ds to try and get rid of me. Not that it would have made any difference because my H has already said I can just go private but let's see where we get after this initial appointment.
So she's going to refer me to a psychologist, rather than a counsellor, in the first instance and ask her to assess me and the recommended path. She said she thinks it's likely to be post traumatic stress which will require Cognitive Something-or-other therapy but she is not an expert so she will leave me with the experts.
She ended by saying I need to stop being so hard on myself and give myself permission to feel this way Should only take 3 weeks to get an appointment too, which is good.
29/07/2013 at 21:03
You are very brave for facing this head on. You know I think that. I'm not surprised in the slightest the feelings have come back. It takes just as much strength to seek the help you need as it does to keep a stiff upper lip when you have to. I'm always here if you need a shoulder of just a trip to Krispy Kreme. Xx
29/07/2013 at 21:05
You know I was very nervous about going through it all again. My GP was excellent and reassured me. I think having a plan in place helped me massively. I knew they couldn't necessarily stop him coming early but I was closely monitored so I felt some sense of control at least. My consultant was fantastic and probably went beyond what he needed to. We spoke for ages at my 17w appointment and he definitely didn't dismiss my concerns.
I won't lie, I was massively paranoid from 23-34 weeks. Any twinge worried me. I wouldn't let H go away or get drunk. But I'm a classic example of the 'every pregnancy is different' thing!
I don't think you'll ever feel confident because you can't erase the memories. I coped gone with scbu but the thought of doing it with a child at home was horrible.
I would try and see a consultant pre- conception to try and get something in place
29/07/2013 at 21:06
HW its no wonder you are feeling this way after everything you went through. Yes mima is a healthy two year old but that doesn't negate how she entered the world and what you and your H subsequently went through. No one would belittle how you feel and I'm sure would fully support you - thrres nothing to be embarrassed about
I hope you get on well with your gp on Thursday. Please please please remember that we are all here to listen and offer a shoulder when you need it.
Lots of love xx
29/07/2013 at 21:11
You're so brave for getting this help HW - I really hope it helps you make peace with what you all went through. x
29/07/2013 at 21:14
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I struggle with the thought of going through labour again. It makes me feel sick and a bit panicky, and I had a 'normal' birth (although with a bad tear), so I can only imagine how you feel.
I think seeing the gp is a good idea and very brave of you x
29/07/2013 at 21:25
Every time I think I might back out I just think I'm doing it for Jemima. I don't want her to be an only child. If she has to be, then I need to be able to explain to her that I did everything I could to move past this for her. I have waited so I can get an appointment with the female partner in the practice. I don't go to the docs much but whenever I've met her and seems pretty nice.
Thanks for not telling me to get over myself. It all feels very self absorbed because it's not about Jemima, it's about me.
29/07/2013 at 21:26
You are so strong to be facing this I have upmost respect for you for being so brave. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about all my lovely. You know where I am I'd you ever want a hand to hold. Xx
29/07/2013 at 21:31
Hollywood, it's not really surprising that you feel like this. You went through so much in such a short space of time and what should have been exciting and full of hope ended up being terrifying and worrying.
You know I have followed your story all the way through. The placental abruption and rapid c section alone would have been a massive shock to the system but having a prem baby who was so tiny that you had to be separated from would have just added to the negative feelings. Mima was such a little fighter and she has grown into such a gorgeous little girl and you should be so proud of both her and you and your h. To have gone through something like that and come out the other side as such a strong family unit is wonderful.
However, burying the feelings you had and hoping they will go away is obviously tearing you apart and you really shouldn't be embarrassed at all about feeling the way you do. Seeing your gp is a massive step and understandably scary but it will be so worth it in the end. And we are all here for you any time too xx
29/07/2013 at 22:30
Echoing what Jem said. Please don't be embarrassed, you went through so much that it's understandable for you to feel how you do.
29/07/2013 at 22:39
I TOTALLY understand your concerns. Talking it through with someone is the bast thing. I totally understand a lot of what you ave written. You were robbed of having a 'normal' bringing the baby home experience. I had a SIL who said to me (after her 35 weeker spent 2 weeks in SCBU) tat at least I didn't know what it was like to bring a baby home, so wouldn't know the difference. She went on to say how she felt after hot beng able to bring her 5th child home!
I did some research on the consultants at my hospital. When I fell pregnant with C I requested a certain consultant and it was the best thing I ever I'd. She had a very reassuring plan/ackage in place for me.
I can't say I enjoyed any f my other pregnancies. They were a means o an end. I knew I personally didn't want A to be an only child. The is what got me through the pregnancy.
29/07/2013 at 22:44
When we discussed this the other night i didn't realise you felt that bad about it all How great that you're doing something proactive about it though. Hopefully it will make sense of your feelings and help you overcome them. I know you're understandably scared for next time, but was this royal baby the first time it's really knocked you like that?
Funnily enough I was speaking to some hitched ladies briefly earlier. I think i had a bit of a panic attack ove everything thatd happened. Some nonsense about bumps on Henry's head and I started imagining he was having another bleed, fluid, all sorts. It was the first time it all came back and hit me like a train, I was in tears and felt like jelly, thats the only way i can describe it, remembering it all like it had just happened yesterday.
I didn't mean that to be me me me but what I mean is there's always going to be something that takes you back, so dealing with it is incredibly brave. Speak to your h, lean on him xxx
29/07/2013 at 23:04
Total understandable why you feel the way you do. Speaking to someone sounds like a very good idea.
I spent my pregnancy with J, terrified that he'd be prem. I never spoke to anyone about it though, didn't even occur to me TBH, but I guess after 7 years, the memories of C's prem birth had faded enough for me to cope?!
Look how many of us on here have had prems, then gone on to have term babies. We're all here if you need/want to talk/offload.
DO NOT feel embarrassed.
29/07/2013 at 23:20
Sounds like you're taking a very brave step in admitting how you feel & taking positive action about it. Not much more to add then everyone else's comments but I just hope you're able to move forward from this x x
30/07/2013 at 08:59
You have nothing whatsoever to be embarrassed about HW, it's a brave step to seek help and I hope the GP is understanding and can arrange some suitable counselling. You went through so much with Jemima that it's understandable that you would be worried about doing it again, and it's definitely a good move to try and deal with some of the emotions before moving forward x
30/07/2013 at 09:21
having myself struggled to come to terms with C's birth which wasn't anything like as traumatic as your experiences with Mima, and only after nearly 4 years could we consider having TTCing for #2, I don't feel you have anything to be embarrassed about. Going to see your GP is a good idea, and they should be able to put you forward for suitable counselling so you can talk through your feelings and feel ready to move forward with TTCing when you're ready. xx
30/07/2013 at 10:09
There's nothing to be embarrassed about at all. Well done on facing it head on and going and getting some help. J's birth was traumatic, and although you have a healthy happy little monkey now, there were probably times when you didn't think you'd be bringing your baby girl home.
Everyone is here for hand holding, good luck x
30/07/2013 at 18:56
Thanks everyone. Yes, I just want some help to deal with the "triggers" really because some days, I am carefree and think it's all fine, but then wham, something happens and it floors me again and I get really chewed up and anxious. I feel much better for your comments, I will still keep it to myself IRL for the time being until I feel I have made some sort of sense of it.
MissusS - That panic and flashbacks you describe sound similar to a prem mummy friend of mine and
she was treated for post traumatic stress. You will be familiar with the term being an Army wife but I was interested to hear it's not just reserved for people in war zones. Anyone who has undergone trauma and faced death, parents of NICU babies are particularly referenced, can suffer with it. You only have to Google 'post traumatic stress SCBU' to find out the symptoms can be very common. It is not PND and women often find they are fobbed off with anti Ds so I am ready for that as I am very definitely not depressed.
30/07/2013 at 20:14
Lots of hugs, I completely understand those feelings and I am considering counselling myself. I hope speaking to the gp really helps you, so that you are able to consider ttc without as much anxiety. an Nct group leader also mentioned to me about post traumatic stress as I have episodes at night time waking up panicking that I don't have my baby. Hopefully just talking it through and helping to understand all the feelings will help xxx
30/07/2013 at 20:23
Aw Bailey, so sorry to hear you are in the same boat :-( I really hoped you'd escape it. But the more SCBU mums I talk to the more I know are affected.
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