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08/04/2014 at 06:04
I have thought about adoption all my life, on and off. Reading and seeing TV over recent months has meant it's played on my mind more. And I'm discovering that the more mention adoption to people, the more I learn that it's something a lot of people seem to have given thought to and I wasn't aware at all.
It's a subject that can be sensitive, but I'd really love to hear whether you have/would consider adopting a child, and if so/if not, why?
08/04/2014 at 06:41
I love the idea of being able to adopt but after hearing what the process involves - them going through bank statements, asking everyone about you, scrutinising your home and lifestyle - I just don't think that's something I could go through. I dont think i could cope with it. I hope that doesn't make me sound too selfish. I have a massive respect for the people that do adopt and think its an amazing thing they're doing.
08/04/2014 at 07:07
We are interested in it, maybe. At 40 now and pregnant with number 1, I don't really want an only child but also I'm not sure if it's sensible to start ttc again at, realistically, 42-3. OH and I discussed it before ttc this time since we thought we may have problems, so I know he would be on board with it. I have a colleague who went through all the vetting stuff with both local councils and Barnados who has given me loads of info (Barnados don't have the age limits that councils often do) so once this little one is born and getting to 18 months or so, we may look into it.
08/04/2014 at 07:31
Barefoot I'm not sure where you are but LA's don't have age limits on adoption. It's not allowed unless you have age related health problems which may cause issues. I think the age gap between birth children and adopted children has to be 2 years (I could be wrong) but even a two year gap, given most children aren't available until age one that means your little one would need to be 3.
We are *hopefully* adopting. We have been through the process over the last 7 months and found out the devastating news that the govt is bringing into law at the end of this month the ability for a birth parent, blood relative or a relative by marriage to make and application for direct contact and overnight stays. For us it puts a new spin on things as the thought of spending thousands on legal fees (birth parents would get legal aid) and eventually dropping them for contact fills me with horror. I took legal advice and found out this is becoming more common and new legislation is likely to set a trend towards open adoption! That's not what we signed up for and living the rest of my life looking over my shoulder is not a pleasant thought!
08/04/2014 at 07:37
Interesting information furmummy. I think if/when we decide to investigate further, there's a lot more info we will need to consider. Thanks :-)
08/04/2014 at 07:39
Furmummy, is this the case for every adoption or would it be on a case by case basis (ie taking into account why the child was placed for adoption?) I don't think I would be happy about that either - just never knowing if someone was going to turn up out of the blue and demand rights to see your child.
On another note, I had considered and looked into egg donation as I have friends who require donated eggs and I know how few are available. However, when they changed the legislation so that children could have access to the details of their donor it kind of put me off a bit. I would rather be anonymous as I would have no part in raising this child apart from giving my eggs and no rights to claim and I don't think it would be fair on the child's parents or this child. There's a program starting on mtv this week about a girl who is finding the other children produced by the same sperm donor as herself and then looking for the donor himself.
08/04/2014 at 07:44
Anyone can make an application at anytime Mamad and we will be left defending it. That contact may be supervised but currently my concern is birth parents making application after application and forcing contact as we don't have the funds left to fight.
08/04/2014 at 07:49
Furmummy. I had no idea about the change in law. That really does make everything so different. I know a couple who long-term foster and their lives are periodically rocked by the appearance of parents, one of which made an awful lot of trouble for no real reason. That alone, in the context you put it in, would be enough to put us off. I know that for a fact. You must have been stunned :(
08/04/2014 at 07:57
Furmummy, if you get chance would you post a link re those changes? I've only found the change about the 90% stat leave, shared parental leave etc, in April 15. Can't see the stuff on contact apps etc. Thank you :)
08/04/2014 at 08:04
That's shocking that they'll make you jump through hoops to give a child a living stable home and the very people who were deemed not capable of caring for this child can come and disrupt everything. Surely they can't think that's in the child's best interest? These children are put up for adoption for a reason and I know it's never a decision made lightly.
08/04/2014 at 08:51
Yes counter funnily enough the government didn't publicise that change!
08/04/2014 at 08:56
I would have considered adoption but now I'm not so sure. That piece of legislation will put so many people off, which will just make the situation in this country so much worse than it already is. I'm astonished at it!
Furmummy, I really hope you come to a decision that you are both comfortable with. I can't imagine what you are feeling right now xxx
08/04/2014 at 09:12
It's a very interesting discussion.
Before we had W we were told I may have difficulty conceiving, and we both agreed that if we were unable to have a baby we would adopt as having a family was very important to us and we couldn't imagine growing old without children. After we had W I was always aware that although we had managed to get pregnant once it might not happen again and again we both agreed it was very important to us that W had at least one sibling so we would have thought about adopting. We have been extremely blessed and conceived two children naturally so never actually had to have serious discussions about it or look into it in detail.
as others have said though the new right for birth parents will be very off putting for lots if people , especially those who already have children. I would always want to explain to the children they were adopted etc, but also important that the biological child and adopted child we're treat the same, and I think it would be very disruptive to a family for the adopted child to be going off for days out with their birth parent etc and the biological child not also getting to go etc. I think it would make it very hard to keep the family as one unit
08/04/2014 at 09:40
I managed to find this and would say it's well worth a read if you have time.
Personally speaking, my real dad was a stereotypical feckless eejit who allowed my stepdad to adopt me. Never tried to contact me until I was 16 and I'm grateful for that. I know what it would have done to our family. I disagree with the decision to have been adopted, I believe he should have been encouraged (as opposed to actively discouraged) to continue to parent me, but once that choice was made it was better for EVERYONE - in my view - that the adoption was an end to it. Some families will suffer so much as a result of this.
08/04/2014 at 09:46
08/04/2014 at 09:47
I have enormous respect for those who adopt.
I couldn't do it though. I don't think I could love an adopted child like my own. I don't even love my H's kids...
08/04/2014 at 10:06
I've logged back in whilst on my MD sabbatical (!) just to answer this question. As we're currently waiting for recurrent miscarriage tests, we have had this conversation and have both agreed that we would adopt. If we are not lucky enough to have a baby biologically, then yes, we would give a home to child who may not have had the best start. Preferably they would be very young, but I am not against a slightly older child. We would still love that child like it was ours biologically, the only issues would come later, when they question things, but that's something we would deal with.
08/04/2014 at 10:21
In our local authority there is a clause which means parents can sign away those rights for access or contact. This is encouraged where the parents have made no effort during the intervening months/years and its in the best interests of the child. I have a good friend waiting to be matched at the moment. I have so much respect for couples that go through the adoption process as its intrusive and challenging to say the very least!
08/04/2014 at 10:25
the thing that bothers me about this is that no one gets checked when they have a baby naturally, yet there are all these checks when people cant / chose to adopt instead.
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