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23/04/2014 at 18:50
Sorry this may be a bit of a rant
I understand all the family loves R & want to see her as much as possible, I have never stopped anyone from seeing her & try to make sure grandparents see her at least once a week. I just don't understand why they are obsessed with wanting to "babysit" without me there.
R is breastfed, I can't pump much milk, the bottle I can pump gets given to R when daddy gets in from work. R won't go to anyone on an evening other than me without this bottle.
I feel like i'm being pressured for parents to babysit, I've explained I don't need a break, I am happy taking her everywhere with me, I enjoy being with her. I didn't go out partying or for many meals before she was born so i'm not going to start now. I also don't want to sit at home alone whilst someone else has my daughter.
I leave R once a week to do a food shop, 3 mornings a week to go to the gym for 1 1/2hrs, the gym is behind my house so its easy for me to come home & feed her if needed. DH takes lo to his parents now & again if he goes for his tea, I will stay at home & tidy up.
Its like i'm made to think of times parents can "babysit" so I can say I've left her. They are really excited when seeing her & love her to bits but I can't see why they need me not to be there. I don't interfere when they see her, other than to feed her.
What gets me the most is they never left their children so why do they think I want to leave mine, fair enough their parents didn't want to help out but at present I don't need help. I may need in the future & they will be sharing 3 days of childcare when I go back to work in January 2015, which I am VERY grateful for but also relieved as I won't have to make sure they get their fair share of seeing R.
Sorry I have gone on & on, not sure what advice I am after think I just needed to get it off my chest. I just don't want to leave my baby & I feel like this is not normal & that I should maybe be leaving her more often.
23/04/2014 at 19:31
Argh! That sounds frustrating. I had that a lot with my mum and gran. And was made to feel as though I was in some way mean not to oblige. My grandparents would pretty much beg, and my mum (I was pretty young) would act authoritatively as though she knew what was best for me and baby. It took me a long time to stand up to them. I don't regret that I let myself be bullied in that they had the time with my son, and all these years later it hasn't impacted on the relationship I have with him. But I resent how they made such a big deal and how upset it used to make me back then.
Do what YOU feel is right and if you're not comfortable you don't have to give reasons or excuses. :)
23/04/2014 at 19:33
I don't think you should feel guilty at all, R is still only young! Obvs I don't have a baby yet but I'm imagining things to be the same, with MIL at least - she wants a full nursery at her house ready for sleepovers!
On the flip side, if they are going to be helping with childcare when you go back to work, it will be important for R to be comfortable being left with them, however there are many more months to go before that will be the case, but maybe in a few months time it would be good to start leaving her a little bit with them to get her and them used to it (and you I suppose too!) x
23/04/2014 at 19:51
Counter - I also feel bullied & struggling to stand up for myself especially when its dh making most of the comments. Its so hard not to feel like I maybe should be leaving her. I would probably feel like I would like to leave her more often but off my own back not from pressure. It definitely is like you, making me upset at the moment, looking back in years time it won't affect our relationship i'll just remember how I felt.
Maltesers - My mil asked before dd was born if I wanted a nursery at hers. I have just started leaving R with both nanas 3 mornings a week so dd is comfortable around them, although she does see my mum quite regularly with me & is happy/likes both nanas. From September I have birthdays/hen/Christmas parties so will be leaving her more often & she will be less bf by then & can go longer periods without me. I have explained this to them & said for the moment I don't want to leave her. I know I need to get used to leaving dd i'll be a mess when I go back to work.
Thanks for your experiences & advice
23/04/2014 at 19:53
My parents will be looking after baby 2 days a week from March next year as I need to go back to work part-time. They've requested that we regularly leave baby alone with them for a few hours here and there once they've arrived so that they can get used to looking after a little one and so that baby can bond with them properly rather than suddenly having them come March. Maybe yours are thinking the same? Want baby to get used to being alone with them from an early age so that it's not a big shock to them when it happens in January? x
23/04/2014 at 19:54
I was so slow replying that you've since posted again! Ignore what I said as I see baby is already spending time alone with them to bond - damn my slow replying skills!
23/04/2014 at 20:22
Haha thanks ps! I am struggling with leaving her even just an hour or so but I know it has to be done with me going back to work plus I need to go to the gym & get this baby weight & the last 5years weight off haha. MIL hasn't been around babies since BIL was a baby 26years ago, so I know she needs to feel comfortable. Dd does seem happy with her though. I also think they struggle with breastfeeding, especially when it takes some of the time they see her away from them. They weaned dh at 12weeks ... & other things I am not choosing to do, I try to explain the new guidelines & which ones I am following without sounding like they've never brought up children.
23/04/2014 at 20:45
I totally get this! I have left O a couple of times with my mum but nothing regular, my mum is fine though, she never really had a 'break' from us so doesn't expect me to leave him but would be more than willing to have him at a moments notice if that makes sense. My sister has asked several times about babysitting, I keep telling her that she is next on the list. H's parents live an hour away, his mum is always saying about how she can't wait to have O stay with her, I'm not sure when she is expecting this to happen! His dad and girlfriend visit every 6ish weeks, they've seen him 4 times, when they came at the beginning of March, H was at work and they asked me if they could take O out in the pram to 'give me a break'. I let them take him for a walk although I didn't feel in need of a break, it was fine but then when they got back they were saying about taking him out in the car sometime, I didn't really say a lot. They visited on Sunday and it was raining, they said how it's a shame about the weather because they were hoping to take him out for a couple of hours. Now I'm really worried about when they next visit. I find it a bit insulting that they want to take him away from me rather than spend time altogether as a family. His dad is funny though, he doesn't seem to like the fact that O looks more like me! O hardly knows them either to be honest.
It's easier now that he feeds quicker but I have the same thing, people are reluctant to hand him over for feeding, H's mum in particular.
Not that there's anything wrong with having time to yourself or just having some time off duty but personally I don't feel in need of it!
23/04/2014 at 22:18
Sounds exactly like my family!! I'm always worried about the next time they want to watch her is going to be longer. I would leave dd a lot more with my mum but then dh would expect me to do it with his mum. I also feel insulted that they want to spend time without me there, we are a family & come as a package. I think they would prefer it if dh just took R round, which he does do sometimes. When R feeds she tends to have a quick nap afterwards & won't nap on anyone but me, I think this is why they don't like to pass her over as she does take some time to feed.
I know they love her so much but they have to realise its very hard for me to leave her, I think they all think I don't think they can look after her but its mainly due to breastfeeding & I know they would let her cry & rock her to sleep rather than ring me as they do it in front of me.
I hate feeling like this I just want to enjoy my baby, obviously with being off work I haven't got an awful lot on, first time in my life, so I suppose something like this to me might be a lot worse than it is because I haven't got a whole lot to distract me from overthinking comments & people judging my parenting.
23/04/2014 at 22:22
Oh & R is the double of me as a baby which they will not agree. Its funny really. When I first showed them a photo of me as a baby they thought it was R ... from them on they just ignore anyone that says she looks like me but will tell me straight away if she looks like dh. Not that i'd be bothered if she looked like dh, but like he said himself, he wants his dd to look like her mum.
24/04/2014 at 07:29
I feel exactly the same! In some ways it's better that the iL's live an hour away but it also means they are worse when they do visit I think! We had his mum visit on Saturday (so a double dose last weekend!) and we went out because it was nice weather and O was due a nap, she pushed the pram so that kept her happy! Although before we went I hears her saying that he didn't look tired to her. I also have plenty of experience of others trying to rock him to sleep, he still likes boob before he sleeps. Gratefully my H isn't very close to his parents so he doesn't try and encourage me to let them have their way.
O has the same dimple chin as H and H's dad, we call it a bum chin! So that's very obviously H's genes but other than that he is a lot like me and everyone says so, even H. Like you say, I'm not bothered who he looks like but his dad obviously has an issue that he's not the spit of them!
Keep doing what you feel is best, don't feel like you 'have' to do anything. Your baby :-) xxx
24/04/2014 at 08:02
24/04/2014 at 08:12
I'm with PC. My in-laws live five mins away and never take any interest in our kids, I'd love even an hour or two to myself just once in a while. My mum lives far away, so can't help often, but when we are staying at hers she's always encouraging us to go out for a coffee on our own or even take a nap, which is nice for us but is more because she wants the kids to herself for a while. I think they like having baby to themselves so they can look after them because while you are there it's like you are still in charge?
Tbh I'd count yourself lucky that the grandparents are so keen to help and shower the little one with cuddles etc, as my in-laws don't do that. My MIL shook my seven week old baby's hand the other week. I'd rather have to fend off too much interest.
24/04/2014 at 08:24
I felt like that too Kelskiii. I want to say they mean well, but i don't think family really appreciate how their actions make you feel. When W was little, my older sister, who has 2 kids of her own constantly wanted to take him away from me and go for a walk to give me a rest, or take him for the day. Because i'd had a section and was recovering from it, i couldn't go out for walks with him in his pram for the first few weeks, and she wanted to do it. But i felt like she was taking my right to introduce him to the greater world if she did, so i never let her. I got quite up tight about it too and wouldn't let her take him at all, i even got a bit funny when she came round for a cuddle with him.
My younger sister now watches W while i'm at work, which is perfect for us as he knows her really well and i trust her to look after him.
As others have said, you should do what feels right for you. People will always have an opinion on how you raise your children (parents are the worst for it because 'they did it before and you turned out just fine') but the bottom line is (and i've said this to my parents more than once) They are your baby, and you are mum. not them so they'll listen and do as they are told when it comes to baby.
24/04/2014 at 08:42
M won't take a bottle. So I can't leave her. My H is having her for the first time on his own Saturday morning so I can have some pampering (massage, pedicure etc!). I'll express a bottle for her but she hasn't taken one yet! But worth a go! My mum has had her while I slept upstairs but brought her up when she was hungry. My mil doesn't get this. I'm sure she thinks I'm just saying it so she can't have her. If she could feed her I'd happily go shopping for an hour. But tbh I love having her around. She's no bother.
24/04/2014 at 12:19
I completely see why you feel like this. Its hard for you because you want to be with your baby but because they are your parents/in laws they probably don't hold back at telling you things.
One thing I'd bear in mind is that babies can become much more wary about other people and a lot less happy to be left at about 9 months or so. (My daughter used to cry her head off when I left her in her cot for 2 minutes to go to the bathroom). So - thinking ahead to when you go back to work - I would encourage them to do more for you so that they are there during that phase (which is pretty wearing in itself) and hopefully your baby will still be happy with them.
24/04/2014 at 12:23
Bumpenvy - DH has a slight bum chin too which R has got from him - DH doesn't believe he has a bum chin though haha
I totally appreciate the parents wanting to help out & do let them watch her at least once a week not for my benefit though, usually for theirs and dds. Its just the constant comments of them wanting to watch her more & for longer. I think once a week is more than enough to have her on their own & then they generally see her another once or twice aweek with me or dh there. I've explained how breastfeeding works with dd & they have seen our huge struggle & my lack of milk supply. They know R feeds every 2-3 hours. If dd is with them having a bottle I still have to pump milk out at the time she would be feeding on me. So they've got R & i'm sat at home expressing doesn't seem right to me.
I have on occasion in emergency situations given R formula as I don't have any banked expressed milk, They think I should just let them have R & give her formula but this will effect my milk supply which is not the best already & I don't think them seeing her is more important than her getting my breastmilk. I'm obviously not against formula but with the breastfeeding battle we've had the times I give her formula I feel like I've failed in a way ... but that's a whole other story.
I try to let them see her as much as possible but I also have my own life & own friends that want to see R. I think I do let them see R plenty & would just like less pressure for them to see her more on their own. They never left their children with anyone even for an hour as babies so I don't see why they think I should do the same. I think I am being very fair in the time they see R.
I really do appreciate their help & love for R but I don't think at the moment they need to have her on their own anymore than they do.
Thanks for all your experiences & comments its nice to hear of people in the same boat but also from those who don't have the support I do as it does make me appreciate them more for their love for R.
24/04/2014 at 12:27
Thanks cedar - I really am dreading when I need to start leaving R longer but I will also be bf less then & I won't feel as guilty not being there in case she wants to feed on me. Even if she is given a bottle she sometimes still wants to comfort. I'm going to have to get stronger & leave her more when she is being weaned as I know going back to work is going to be very very hard for me.
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