Pregnancy & Birth Clubs <
28/06/2013 at 08:23
And then found out at scan they were having the opposite?
A friend of mine found out what she's having yesterday, and it's not what she was hoping for. She's taken it really badly, and I just am struggling to understand because she's got a healthy baby cooking away and I'm of the view that gender doesn't matter that much. It's not her fault, she can't help how she feels and I'm not judging her for that, but I don't know what to say or how to support her.
She already has another baby (same gender as the expected one) and she took that really badly as well - she ended up with severe PND (sectioned for it) and although I'm not a medical professional, I feel sure that the fact she lost all interest in the 1st pregnancy after the gender scan played a part in it. She seems to have taken this news even worse as it's her 'last chance' (she and H have said definitely no more than 2 children for lots of reasons) and I'm really worried about her mental health.
I'd just like to hear of any similar stories - what made you so desperate for one particular gender? Is there any way to 'get over it' before the baby arrives?
28/06/2013 at 08:47
Not personally but I know someone who sounds similar. She became very depressed when she found out she was having a boy, the same happened twice more before she had a girl. The depression continued though, even after the girl so I guess she had pinned everything on having a girl but would have be prone to depression anyway if that makes sense?
28/06/2013 at 09:45
That's very sad, and I know what you mean in finding it hard to relate to. if she ended up being sectioned with severe PND, I do wonder if that would have happened anyway, regardless of baby's gender - if that hadn't been a trigger then something else would have been, but obviously I'm only speculating. Hopefully due to her history she will be offered lots of support during pregnancy and following the birth.
28/06/2013 at 10:20
Desperately wanted? No. Strong preference for? Yes. Did I get what I wanted? No.
I wanted another girl after C, more I wanted her to have a sister rather than I wanted a girl, or I wanted a boy. It doesn't make any difference to me now, but my feelings of disappointment were for my daughter missing out on a sister rather than me missing out on another daughter IYSWIM? I think it was also because my pregnancy wasn't planned, so in order to help me "come to terms" with it, I needed there to be something familiar about it, which to me was another girl. I also have a sister who is 18m younger than me and we are very close, and given the age gap would be exactly the same, I thought a sister close to her in age would be nice for C.
In any case it hasn't mattered. I love O as much as I love C, my husband loves having a son, though at the moment, it wouldn't make any difference as at the moment he's just a baby, there's nothing that he does that sets him apart from having a girl.
It sounds as if your friend has a history of depression and mental health issues, sounds as if the two need to be dealt with separately.
28/06/2013 at 11:44
I know somebody like this who has two boys and really wanted a girl. We seem them regularly and she would make it quite clear she would have prefferred girls until eventually I had to point out to her how unfair it was on her boys to make it so obvious. She's not as bad now, but it ook me a long time to find the corage to say anything about it.
Unfortunately I couldn't relate to her feelings at all, as I was just pleased to have healthy babies and didn't really mind about the gender.
As others have said though, I do wonder if the depression would have happened anyway, regardless of what gender the first baby was. i really hope she gets lots of help and support from professionals this time around, and come come to terms with her dissapointment.
28/06/2013 at 11:50
when i read the title of this thread i got a bit annoyed as i kind of thought FFS she clearly lives in a little bubble and has no appreciation that her baby is healthy, surely thats all that matters. having had a TFMR i dont really get why people openly admit they prefer a certain gender, a friend said she was hoping for a boy and would be a bit gutted if she had a girl and i just kind of looked at her aghast and she said that she just heard herself and realised it was extrememly insensitive. a friends H walked out a 20 week scan as she was having another girl and hadnt 'given him a boy', i remember posting on hitched and crying at the time thinking how f***ing selfish, her child is healthy, why cant they see that.
anyway wrt your friend, i actually feel really sorry for her, theres obviously something very deep rooted that is making her feel like this.
are you a close friend? im just wondering if you could suggest that she speaks to her CPN if she is still under communtiy psychiatric care or maybe encourage her to speak with the mw, that way things can be in place this time for support, rather than ending up with her being sectioned post natally,
hope that she gets the support she needs
28/06/2013 at 13:47
I don't have a preference or know anyone who has felt so strongly about it but I just wanted to say how sad it is :-( like you say, a healthy baby is all most parents ask for.
28/06/2013 at 14:54
Similar to BW, I really wanted a brother for Alex. I also worry about how I'll be with a girl, less so in the younger years more from pre-teen on, she might be like I was!
We found out at the 20w scan that it was a girl and I admit I did have a little cry on the way back to the car. I think I was crying just as much for feeling guilty about being upset as I was for grieving for the brother A will never have. I felt awful for not being over the moon when I'd just been told I had a healthy baby on board, but I couldn't help it at the same time.
I was ready to punch the next person who told me how lucky I was to be having one of each. I was very honest about my preference for another boy with people before and after which I think has helped.
9 weeks on and whilst I can't say I'm completely over grieving for that brother, I am a lot happier and looking forward to welcoming out little girl into the world. Well less looking forward to the labour part!
I actually feel quite sorry for your friend, it seems she has some deep routed trouble there and I hope she can come to terms with it soon.
28/06/2013 at 18:50
Yes I've had a strong preference, for completely different reasons IMO. It actually used to really hurt when people would pass comment about I should want a healthy baby and that's all that mattered, as if I needed telling that! You never know someone else's reasons for anything. We all want healthy babies ultimately, I don't think it ever needs to be said.
I lost my first son shortly after he was born and I had that immense need to somehow put things right by having another boy. I know that sounds awful, he could never be replaced and I wasn't trying to replace him either. I was frequently told how it would be easier in my next pregnancy if I had a girl and I was terrified that I would. No other explanation for it, it wasn't that I didn't want a girl, I had planned for my boy and pictured that boy in my life. I love my daughter to bits and I'm not at all disappointed that I had a girl but the emotion I felt at the time was so heightened. I was actually really glad I had gender scans both with E and J because I needed that preparation. IMO it was better to have felt that beer the birth, she has plenty of time and she's most likely shocked and probably grieving for what she honestly believes she should have.
28/06/2013 at 21:03
My friend really wanted a girl and openly said beforehand that she was finding out at the 20 week scan so that she could come to terms with it if she was having another boy. She did have a girl in fact.
I think Pip is right that there are lots of reasons for wanting one over the other. There was a woman on tv the other year where she had about 7 boys - several of those boys were there because she kept having babies in the hope of having a girl. In theory we should all be grateful that we have a healthy baby regardless but I think our feelings are more complicated than that. Its about how we see ourselves and our families.
28/06/2013 at 23:21
My best friend already had a son and was pregnant with her second child. She really really wanted a girl. They found out the gender at the 20 week scan in second pregnancy (didn't in first) because she felt she needed time to adjust if it wasn't a girl. She found out she was having another boy, the described it as not being that she didn't want the boy baby she was carrying but that she needed to grieve for the girl she was never going to have.
29/06/2013 at 09:54
I've always felt I wanted a daughter, as it turned out G is a girl. So for a subsequent pregnancy I wouldnt mind either way if boy or girl, but had she been a boy I definitely would 'be been hopin the next would be a girl. As others have said, I don't think its about not wanting a certain gender or that particular baby bits about your family not being as you had imagined it would be and daydream plans you had made to do with that gender child, if that makes sense?!
29/06/2013 at 09:55
*but it's* not baby bits, that sounds weird, lol x
29/06/2013 at 10:03
I think those imagined family ideas of boy or girl, whatever it may be, would very easily adjust though. I hope your friend has the professional support around her that she needs x x
29/06/2013 at 11:44
I don't think we can ever truly understand anyone else's feelings and opinions about things and always try to be openminded in that respect but I have to admit this is something I always really struggle with as I've never understood the strong preference or "need" for a certain gender. I find it desperately sad although I appreciate there are many, many reasons for people feeling that way. I had no preference at all and felt very much inthe minority for not finding out at scan. I just wanted to meet my child and enjoy getting to know who they were. Now we have a boy people are always saying we must want a girl next time, but if we are blessed with a second child at some point I still have no preference, they will be who they will be IYSWIM?
29/06/2013 at 12:16
I have always been honest, about never wanting a girl. I can't verbally express all the reasons why, it's weird. I just felt a stong aversion to having a girl (which people find weird, as I am Really girly)
One of the reasons we found out, was so I could prepare myself for if it was a girl. Before finding out, I wouldn't look at girls stuff, only boys, and was never as passionate with name choices, as I was when discussing boys names. I cried with happiness each time I got told I was having a boy.
Of course the MOST important thing is a healthy baby (after C being given 24 hours to live, then being in hospital for 12 weeks, then having a mc, I am well aware of how health is a priority over anything else, but I still had a preference)
My Mum was the opposite to me, and only wanted girls (good job too, as she had 4), and told me she hoped I had a girl. She actually looked crushed when I told her C was a boy, but she soon got over that.
My SIL had 2 boys, and openly admitted, she wished they were girls when she found out, but thankfully, it never led to her not bonding, or getting PND. 8 yrs later, she got her girl, and boy, do we know about it. She treats her a lot differently than she did the boys.
Your friend sounds like her depression is more deep rooted than just PND.
29/06/2013 at 12:25
I always wanted a boy then girl. The pregnancy I mc I was convinced would've been a girl. I knew this one was a boy from the start so had adjusted to the idea before the gender scan and was fine with it. There are definite advantages to having 2 of the same. The only thing that makes me sad is that we can't go wedding dress shopping together and that boys tend to move to where their wives are from and I don't want my boys abandoning me! Slight generalisation obviously (my brother lives as close to my folks as we do).
I never thought of people hoping for the same gender. Your friend is pretty extreme, there's clearly something big underlying it.
29/06/2013 at 14:02
WH, when H marries Little S, you can come dress shopping with us x
29/06/2013 at 22:55
Im going to sound really nasty but seriously? Why can't people just be happy that theyre having a healthy baby? Why the obsession with having certain siblings for children already born? Im one of three girls it never affected us in a bad way not having a brother, likeiwse if we had had a brother it wuld have made no difference. I think people put too much pressure on themselves especially these days which is a bit daft because the days of needing children of a certain sex to ensure the survival of the family are long gone. My fear for your friend is that she may be displacing her depressive issues onto the sex of her baby rather than really focussing on what the real problem is. All my colleagues thought I was having a boy and one in particular was dismayed at me having a girl, her problem not mine. Im just glad my daughter is healthy so far and growing well. Children are a blessing no matter what sex they are.
30/06/2013 at 04:52
I had a preference for a girl along with a lot of family members and did feel sad I wasn't having a girl however that doesn't mean I wasn't happy at having a boy if that even makes sense. Perhaps after struggling to conceive and then carry a baby I shouldn't have cared and yes I just wanted a healthy baby ultimately but with no girls really in the family there was that slight preference. I'm glad we had the gender scan as I hate surprises anyway and very quickly I loved knowing I was having a boy and wouldn't have changed him for the world.
Luna yes seriously in my case but thanks for being so judgemental. I wasn't wanting a girl to ensure survival of the family that's for sure.
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