Pregnancy & Birth Clubs <
07/07/2013 at 00:15
I will start by saying that it seems to just be me, I seem to attract IL problems.
We have offended the ILs by leaving them out. I am 19 weeks pregnant, not even halfway and MIL is offended that I won't let her buy some baby toiletries. I haven't ever said no to these things, just not to buy Johnsons. I am not sure wtf is going on to be honest. She has asked me time and time again what to buy. She has asked OH too and we have both said we aren't sure yet, just trying to get our flat into shape and then we will make a list of things we need. So today she told OH that they are feeling like spare parts and we say no to everything.
Best bit is, they are buying the pram, the biggest and most expensive item we need.
Coupled with having to apologise for defending my terrified child the other week when their dog was growling at him, I just feel a bit *** about it all IL problems caused a lot of problems in my last last marriage and I don't want it to happen again.
Blah, just ranting really. OH is at work and I am so upset by it all.
07/07/2013 at 00:38
When were you planning on choosing the pram? or is it already chosen? Maybe thats just what your MIL needs to make her feel involved. Or why don't you say what brand of toiletries you would like and let her just get them?
07/07/2013 at 00:45
The pram is all ordered, she told us to find it and order it. I have invited her into town to show her that and the cot we ordered and get coffee but every time we have suggested a day she has been busy so just waiting to hear when she is free to go in. I have been making sure we visit once a week too as OH is hopeless and have had them over for dinner and been texting after midwife appointments etc. Just feel so upset by it all as it's come out of the blue.
I just said to not buy johnsons and stick to unscented baby brands (sorry, didn't add that part). I don't want there to be a problem with them, OH's stepdad is so overbearing and it is really stressing us both out. There is more to the dog story but it's too long lol.
Thanks Tiny Tiggs (cute avatar!) x
07/07/2013 at 03:30
My mil loves to buy for the girls, now I just let her get on with it and give away anything we don't want or need. I got fed up being the bad guy saying no. Total waste of money on her part sometimes but it keeps her happy and my house is not overflowing.
I also encourage stuff which gets used up like shampoo etc as thematic once finished it leaves the house!
People get so off over babies and pregnancy...
07/07/2013 at 07:22
I'm sorry you're having problems with the ILs. Families are so stressful. I seem to offend my ils on a daily basis. It sounds like you're really trying to include them. I hope it all resolves soon xxx
07/07/2013 at 08:08
Although it's actually impossoble to offend my MiL as she has the hide of a rhino, we had this all the way through too particularly her moaning that she couldn't buy anything as we selfishly hadn't found out "what it is". She never actually asked us what we needed or wanted, just kept turning up with random stuff. I kept saying to H that I didn't want her wasting her money but in the end gave up and just nodded and smiled. We have a cupboard full of Johnsons toiletries that we haven't used and some memorable purchases of hers include a padded coat hanger in a box (?) and two tshirts - one for a 4 year old cos t had a camper van on and H likes campers (E is 10 months) and the other for a premature baby as it had the London 2012 logo on (E was 9lb 3oz!) She just told us to put it on a teddy. Oh and a chocolate medal with a 3 on it as he's the third grandchild
07/07/2013 at 09:00
I had to apologise for swearing in their house. B was terrified of the dog as it was growling at him and after ten minutes of FIL shouting at us to leave B alone and scaring B more, I snapped at him. My heart was pounding, I was in a right state. I apologised then and again yesterday. FIL is always telling us how to raise B, shouting us down etc. I really hate seeing him and this makea me want to keep my children away from him :(
I just don't know what to do :(
Estrellita...oh dear, how odd! MIL here doesn't want to know the sex so will feel even more left out from tomorrow! :/
07/07/2013 at 09:42
oh dear sorry to hear you are having IL troubles chimp :( I am too sadly, apparrantly reminiding MIL that she is getting a grandaughter was out of line when she showed me a lovely boys outfit in next. Have you tried just naming an unscented brand of toiletries for the baby, it may be that there are too many or too few to choose from. Dont blame you at all for your reaction with the dog growling that is a horrible position to be in and your instincts kicked in. They shouldnt be shouting you down at all, if theyre allowing a dog to growl at a child without being told off they need to take a long hard look at themselves. Hugs x
07/07/2013 at 09:45
Oh C I do know how you feel, I could write a book about my IL's antics after 11 years with H, from the odd to the downright shocking. FIL passed away 6 years ago but we still have bonkers behaviour from MiL. Thankfully H's family aren't that close and we keep them at arms length but the only thing we ever argue about is his family and it's sad as my family are very close. I could go on but I won't, I will just say I know exactly how you feel and feel for you as it can be a very difficult situation to be in, especially when children are involved xx
08/07/2013 at 00:54
Thankyou for the replies. I've gone from upset to angry lol.
Why does it have to be this hard sometimes?! Grr!
Luna, I am going to write a list and will specify simple as an example. It's only because B has eczema so all we ever use is that sort of brand. The huga are appreciated :)
Estrellita, thankyou. In my marriage we fought so much about his parents and I don't want the same now :( Gah! X
08/07/2013 at 10:09
Personally I think you are a saint for putting up with all this! I'm very lucky in-laws in Spain and my mum in Dorset (I live in Essex!) I think I'd go mad with weekly visits etc! Stay strong and try not let it get you too angry and remember through all the yuck they are TRYING to be helpful! xx
08/07/2013 at 11:15
Unfortunately I think that some dog owners are completely blind to how scary a dog can be for a small child (whether it is growling or not) as they are the same size as the child. Especially as dogs can get so overexcited when there are visitors. Sounds like your FIL is like this. We have had to ask our in laws to keep the dog out the room because our daughter was very nervous of it. Although the dog has calmed down a bit now it irritates me that they would let the dog back in because it would be feeling excluded to be in the next room. I decided that if they were going to do that I wasn't going to tell my daughter off for putting her feet all over their brand new sofas as she tried to get away from the dog. They did use a training cage once which worked quite well - allowed the dog to become more familiar with the my daughter while the dog couldn't bounce everywhere.
Families will say things in moments of stress and the important thing is to try not let it bother you too much. Let them buy what they want for the baby. If you don't want it you can sell it on. Things like toiletries they'll never know if you use them or not anyway. Don't take it personally - you have to remember that families will often say what they like to each other in a way that, as the outsider, seems really rude (and sometimes is rude) but that to them seems normal. Don't become their whipping boy, or try to appease too much. Just smile, say thank you and carry on.
Personally I try to refrain from criticising my in laws to H - even though his mum is a bit mad sometimes. So we don't row about too many things concerning them.
23/07/2013 at 17:22
Only just saw I had more replies to this, sorry! I hate leaving things without saying thankyou.
Things have developed since this. I apologised again for shouting at them when B was scared of the dog, was over text as she wasn't answering her phone and I wanted to get it done. No reply so after 4 days (but did get likes on facebook, a good luck with scan texts and she kept texting OH as normal), I text again asking if she got my apology and she said she did but it should have been to FIL :( I was so upset and angry and OH bore the brunt I'm afraid :o( There were then a few texts from her and I replied back etc. In the end OH rang and spoke to them both. I got a text saying sorry if she upset me and also that we all need to try a bit harder...as opposed to me dragging OH to their house to see them, telling him we need to attend family lunches, texting updates etc it seems. They have also raised a point about them not having B when I am in labour and how I said no, I am not even going to start on that at the moment, it's another paragraph at least lol.
So, now we are at a point where they have said not to visit with the new baby as it isn't safe with the dog around, they won't let the dog be introduced and then move it to another room (their house I suppose which is fine but quite sad I think) and the house isn't clean enough apparenty (?) and MIL won't be able to visit us as she is having a knee replacement just before and we have a lot of stairs. I have, of course, said that after a short while I should be fine to meet in a coffee shop somewhere so they can meet baby but I can't envisage myself being being comfortable feeding in public the day after...this is of course, if I can sit down LOL! Having a home birth hopefully so no hospital to visit in.
I just keep going over this in my head, I am so upset at the thought of what arguments may occur. I feel we have been reasonable saying that to make things easier for MIL to see baby when he is born we will go there, even the day after I give birth and we have been told no, the house isn't clean and the dog comes first. I know, it is the dog's house, I am a real lover of dogs, always had one growing up but at the expense of seeing their grandson for an hour, really?
Gah! This is all muddled, sorry. Not sure why I am the one feeling like this? Part of me wants to just say ah well, their choice but the other part of me wants everyone to be happy and is worrying about arguments. Am so sensitive!
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