22/07/2010 at 23:29
hi i have a really huge problem im 21 and have been a single mum since the birth of my 2nd child who is nearly 2 now, my ex pops over occasionally to see the children and in the last couple of months we became quite close, i wont go into to much detail but we ended up sleeping together, and i found out a few days later the contraception he used had split. I am still breastfeeding my son and still havent had any periods soi thought i cant really be ovulating so i was convinced i was safe, but 19 days later i decided to do a test to be on the safe side and it was positive.
i told my ex and he is certain i need to have an abortion, he says he never wanted 3 children and he wouldnt love it and it would make his relationship with the other two difficult.
i am really confused,my ex also made it clear after we slept together he was not ready to get into a relationship. so now i have two choices i either do as he says and terminate or face becoming a single mother of 3 children.
my family were so angry when i fell pregnant the 2nd time and i no they would just be so dissapointed in me if i told them i was expecting my 3rd.
I love my children to bits and i feel i cope well as a single mother of two, i never get a break as my parents have there own life and are not ready to be hands on grandparents but i dont mind because i have commited my life to being a mum, i personally think i could cope with another, but what i cant cope with is what other people would think of me, and going to see your midwife and her looking apalled at me being a single parent of 3.
im just so confused and scared any support or advice would be very much appriciated.
23/07/2010 at 08:43
Firstly molly hello I personally would not care one jot what ''others '' thought of me. Single mum with 1,2 or3 pat yourself on the back,you said it yourself,you cope alone,you have devoted your life to the children. However,he has given you an ultimatum,which personally I'd ignore,but is he going to reduce time with the other 2 if you have your third? If you genuinely feel his relationship with your 2 children will be comprimised to the extent it will affect them,then I'd consider what he's suggested.
As an adult it is up to the individual wether to terminate or not,everyone makes mistakes,we're all human,it's personal choice. As a mum now,I personally couldn't,even if it meant a struggle. But I'm not in that position,hun,no-one will think any less of you if you have termination,as I'm sure deep down your folks may be dissapointed your'e having another,but If they're not hands on now,nothing is going to change really.
Sorry I'm not very clear am I? It is your choice hun,only you can decide. I wish you luck in reaching your descision x x Rach
23/07/2010 at 11:31
Whatever you do here,you have to do for you and your children.What anybody else think s is irrelevant.
There is no crime,no shame in being a single Mum to 1,2,3,or however many children,one good parent is worth twice as much as two bad ones,and there are plenty of those.Your taking good care of the two you have so no one should looking down on you for having another.
Your man doesn't sound likeany great if you forgive the bluntness.He pops in and out to visit the kids he never wanted,gets a bit of what he wants while he can and wants you to get rid of your unborn child because he doesn't want that one either.If he already said he wasn't ready for a relationship then I can't see any great loss.It's not his decision.If you were to say "that's not happening,I'm keeping this baby" would he actually go?If he cared for his children he wouldn't ,if goes he never did anyway.That's harsh,especialy since I don't know you,but I don't think a father to be has the same connection with the unborn baby as the mother does,as she carries it,she experiences the pregnancy every moment of her day.To him at the moment it's justy an inconvenience.From the momnent I had a postive test I had a baby.
Your parents don't sound like they have a big part in your lives,and therefore I wouldn't say they have the right to be angry.You might be young,but you're an adult,you have two children,you do it all alone,and they need to show you some respect for that.You might actually find their reaction is not what you expect.You say your youngest is two,maybe since then they've seen you grow up,seen you take good care of your little ones,maybe they'll be at least polite in their response.You don't have to tell them right away.Wait till you're certain in your self and feeling positive and confident.I told my Mum at 16 weeks with my 2nd because we were unmarried(I come from a very Christian extended family and we're going back 10 years here,and all my cousins "did it the right way") we'd just lost our house so were living with my parents,and there was only 17 months between the two oldest.You're more likely to get a positive reaction if you tell them in a positive manner,we're having a new baby and it's very exciting kind of thing,rather than I have something to tell you,I'm pregnant.
Midwives will have seen your situation many times before and will not judge you.She'll be there to help you ,and the welfare of you and your baby are all that matter to her.
A new baby with two small children will be hard work.You'll have one at school by then won't you?Plus your toddler.I'm sure you'll find a way to fit baby into that routine.There's always a period of chaos at first but you soon find a routine to suit you and you cope just fine.
I am very biased I know.I have had 7 unplanned pregnancies.None of mine were mistakes,having seen them grow into bright happy little people,I'm sure of that.Myself I could never get rid of a baby,once I know it's there that's my baby,that 's that.You have to make this decision for yourself,what you want.What other people think doesn't count,because this is your life.
Best of luck
23/07/2010 at 22:09
thankyou so much for your replys,i am trying now to think what i want to do not what everyone else will think. From the point of view of my ex, i think its right its just a inconveniance to him but then he is just rairly ever around anyway, so im not sure how he thinks it will make much change for him, i think he is purely thinking of his self not me because he hasnt once showed concern for how i will cope.
i was thinking of telling my parents at around 16 weeks to, me and my sister are very close so she knows and she is there to support me every inch of the way so i wont feel alone.
i am pretty scared but this was such a out the blue crazy thing to happen after 3 years of not getting close to each other and trying to be careful. i feel its kinda fait, like its ment to happen.
24/07/2010 at 00:51
Hi Molly, I am a single mother of two(one 3 and a half and one of two and a half) and you will know it is is hard work, most days really rewarding but others you could tear your hair out!!!! It is like that for all mums with or without partners, good and bad partners.
I have been really broody just lately and am in contact with childrens father regularly but I know deep down that I really couldnt cope with another. If i was to find myself in your position though I wouldnt be able to abort. I had a stillborn baby boy before my two i have now and realise how lucky I am to have the two i have.
My family wouldnt be happy if I fell pregnant again, but at the end of the day it would be my body and my baby and my decision, like it is yours now.
I really hope you can find the right decision for you and your children.Take the man out of the equation because he most probably wont be there on many levels to help you orf the children. Goodluck I wish you all the best.
26/07/2010 at 20:21
Hi, I'm a single mother of 2 boys as their dad has shown very little interest in them since we split. I've just found out I'm pregnant with my 3rd with my new partner. The thought of being a single mother of 3 doesn't scare me, nor does what other people think of me.
Whatever you do is your choice, but remember, you're not the first single mother of 3 and you most certainly won't be the last!
I wish you luck in whatever you choose.
29/07/2010 at 15:34
I am a single mum and am 21 and expecting a second child by my ex (same sort of thing happend as you). Once I found out I was pregnant my ex told me to have an abortion. I decided against it and am now 27 weeks pregnant and I wouldn't change a thing. If you feel you can cope then that all that matters. I think if you were to have a termination you could regret it for the rest of your life. Im sure once the baby arrives your ex will completely change his mind and if he doesnt then thats his loss.
Hope it all works out for you, just remember its your decision what you do not your ex or your familys. You know whats best for you and your children and thats what counts.
16/08/2010 at 17:05
Hi, im a single mum to 4 children all under the age of 6, i am pregnant with my 5th and im sooooo happy. I would do whats best for you, if he loves you he would stick by you no matter what.
What if he decideds that he wants to be with you and you have an abortion, and then he turns around and says its not working?? youve lost your unborn and him!
I would never have an abortion for a man, its my baby and my body and it will be you that has to cope with that loss not him.
Have a real think about it as its a big choice to make.
I hoped this helped
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