Pregnancy & Birth Clubs <
11/07/2013 at 09:30
firstly I know a lot of people have had more traumatic starts and we have been lucky to get to where we are but I'm still struggling to deal with the first few months of Hs life. We has a traumatic birth ending with him needing resuscitating and then being hospitalised for meconium on the lungs, breathing difficulties and blood sugar issues. Narrowly avoided scbu but on hospital high risk list. Came through that then my stitches were infected, started poisoning my system, 5/6 courses of 3 different antibiotics to sort me out and I felt like death up to 6 weeks. Wound didn't heal till 15 weeks.
i just feel I missed out on Hs first few weeks and all the lovely newborn time. I feel robbed of it for both of us as I couldn't do anything but feed H during that time. Couldn't take him out or enjoy him. im also angry with the treatment we received in hospital and how things could have been so different for us if people had taken more care. I'm also scared at how close we came to losing H and am terrified to go through that again.
how do I get past all this? How do I stop feeling envious of people who can enjoy newborn days a d feel well? I don't want this to eat away at me.
hope this doesn't sound woe is me as I don't mean it line that. We are so lucky to heve H and he's so perfect now but I just want to be able to look back happily at his early days
11/07/2013 at 09:51
Oh sweetie. Big hugs. As someone who had a fairly easy birth, I can tell you we didn't take him out anywhere and I didn't begin to enjoy him properly for a good few weeks (when feeding became less painful). So please don't feel that the difficult start meant you missed out, it may have been the same however he was born. I can't honestly say the newborn days were "enjoyable", they were crazy, sleep-deprived and for me full of gut-wrenching worry. I am sure many people take a while to settle into having a baby.
Re: your treatment in hospital. have you contacted PALS? You can also request a debrief and have someone sit down and talk through your maternity notes with you. That might be a start. Do you want to take your complaint further or would you be happy with the debrief? xxx
11/07/2013 at 09:56
Agree with above speak to PALS they may help make some sense of what happened. I haven't been in that situation (pregnant with 1st) but really don't worry about missing out I'm sure you are making up for it now! :) x
11/07/2013 at 11:18
G's birth was traumatic and ended in an emergency section with me under GA. I found it really hard to deal with missing her birth, not getting immediate skin to skin, immediate bfing etc. I had a birth debrief session 4 years later at the hospital and i so wish i had done it sooner as it answered all those questions flying round in my head. Would really recomnend getting one.
As for the newborn days i agree we didnt go anywhere either! It was chaotic and i cried for 2 weeks solidly so whatever your birth experience you might not have missed out on much. The first weeks are a blur of worry, tears, trying to feed and being tired! Xx
11/07/2013 at 11:56
We had a bit of a dramatic start with no 1 being so early. For his first year he was on and out of hospital. I had a debrief although the consultant was rubbish. The consultant I saw in pregnancy with no 2 went through it with me and was excellent and reassuring. I think time is a healer. Big S is fine now. He doesn't remember being in hospital all the time. I'm fine as well. For a long while I felt I needed to sort of relive the whole thing as it happened so quickly that some bits were a blur. I couldn't get enough of surrounding myself with people who had been through similar experiences and I also wanted to try again to prove I could do it right.
Definitely try and get a review appointment. It might make more sense of it all
11/07/2013 at 12:51
Ours was a dramatic birth and we went back to hospital before TTC # 2 to get everything talked through before going for it again. Our hospital has a "birth reflections" service (free) where they get hold of your notes and basically can go through everything, like a timeline and just talk through it all and explain what happened and why. You can, from there have more in depth counselling too, but that was sufficient for us. Does your hospital offer anything similar? Or any charities?
11/07/2013 at 13:31
We also had a traumatic start to Zoe's life - had to have a crash section under general anaesthetic, found out when she was 3 days old by a throwaway comment from the paed that she had been resuscitated at birth, mix up with regards to the time of her birth so midwives getting me out of bed 12 hrs earlier than should have done, "told off" for not telling them that my catheter bag needed emptying (didn't know I had one until it burst). The things we did that have helped are :-
Birth de-brief. We had one when Zoe was 6 weeks old but really that was too soon and we had another one about 8 mths later
Complained re post natal care through PALS, this was really really beneficial as we actually got acknowledgement that what happened shouldn't have happened
I was also offered post birth counselling which I did for 6 mths although really H should have had something too.
The traumatic birth has really affected MrJB to the point that he was adamant he didn't want any more children. My midwife this time has been really good with acknowledging how difficult it is for him and has been able to talkk through things to reassure him.
In reality the thing that helped the most has been time. A long time, Zoe is 4.5 now, but time. I still can't see an ambulance go past with it's blue lights on without almost crying (we transferred in by ambulance so it triggers those memories) but how she arrived in the world seems of little importance now she is about to start school. I also think that as you move on from that environment where everyone is talking about the birth it gets easier. Time really is a great healer.
11/07/2013 at 14:06
We had a crash section under ga with Lucas and a horrific time on the ward and a balls up before he was born which meant that I could have been awake when he was born but the mw played god and over stepped the mark which led to a crash section under ga and L being close to arresting at birth!
My h had alsorts if counselling via the priest and hospital but even 4.5 years later he can't accept that a f*ck up nearly killed the 2 of us. We went for a debrief and then escalated that to a complaint, then a formal complaint, 2 mediation appointments and were going to take it to the healthcare ombudsman for an independent enquiry but the chief of woman and children's services called us in for a meeting and explained there was going to be some policy changes and the 2 mws involved were being retrained in certain areas, one had to work under supervision for a few months.
It took a good 14 months to move on from Ls birth, it still leaved a bitter taste in my mouth but we can put it behind us, h is ok but it's just when people say they are going to our hospital that he feels angry
12/07/2013 at 21:35
Thanks everyone, my birth seems tame compared to how awful it was for some if you so I feel silly complaining! The debrief sessions sound a good idea, would I contact my gp for this? Or the hospital itself?
Saisi I don't think I want to make a formal complaint, I guess I just want to understand why certain things happened that risked the health of H and I.
I will look as PALS as well, sounds like a place well set up to help.
My hubby has also been left traumatised like some of yours, he can't get over what happened so I will look into some counselling for him so it's not such a horror story.
Thanks for all your support, it's nice to know in not alone in feeling like this bit it does get better eventually
13/07/2013 at 23:37
I just phoned the consultant's secretary and explained I wanted a debrief. She asked me to write a letter then I was sent the appointment through
15/07/2013 at 15:17
We had a dramatic start too, 2 months in SCBU, and 15 month recovery for me after crash c-section under GA and I totally agree with Working Hard that time is a healer. Also, this place helps. You're offered sympathy and empathy and nobody expects you to "get over it" because those that have been through similar know the deep psychological effects that can be left. They're not there all the time but there are certain triggers and it's difficult to avoid those.
Everyone has their own story, even those who are seemingly text book delivery can have other challenges/feel like they've been robbed due to a useless partner, PND etc etc.
I had a birth de-brief, personally I didn't find it that helpful and find the notes/reality of it, more upsetting than the 'we were find and we got through it' bubble that I prefer to live in but you may find it's helpful.
It's such a shame when things don't go how you imagined The newborn/young days are hard so be kind to yourself.
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