Even as I'm writing this I feel like a terrible person.  I just seem to be struggling more than ever at the moment and I just feel horrible.

My brothers best friends wife had a baby on Friday.  They're a lovely couple and I am pleased for them but the first thing I did when I heard was burst into tears. My mum showed me the pictures and he is beautiful but I just couldnt stop the tears.  When my brother came round later he got his phone out to show me and I cut him dead saying I'd already seen them.

I'm staying with my mum at the moment as I'm still having a rough time with work and the dr has signed me off until the middle of April.  Brother and his fiancee have been up a few times with her kids in the last few days.  They're 7,5 and 3 and I'm really struggling to be around them. I'm not snappy or anything and I'm really making an effort but I seem to be constantly in tears and convinced it will never be me.  They came round this afternoon and I ended up sitting upstairs sobbing for an hour. Nobody knows just how much it has got me at the moment.  I think my other problems arent helping but I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My mum is insisting I stay here because she's worried about me being miles away all on my own at the moment.  But here I seem to just be bombarded with children and the family thing I feel like I will never ever have. 

I TTC with my ex H for 2 years and have been trying with OH now for six months.  I've gone through all the fertility tests and am saving at the moment for private treatment with OH which hopefully we arent too far off.

I've been invited up to my auntys tonight with the whole family and I don't want to go.  I've come up with about a hundred excuses because the truth just seems so awful, that I can't stand to spend a whole evening around the children. I know how terrible that is and I'm crying again just thinking it but I'm at the end of my capabilities here please can someone give me some advice on how to manage this better?  I thought it would get easier as time went on and I got used to it but it hasn't, every single day seems harder than the one before it. 

And I know others are going through worse than me and that makes me feel even worse but I really need your help, please

Oh I am so sorry to read you are so sad.  Firstly a big hug.  Secondly be honest with your Mum and don't go tonight.

#2 took 9 months to conceive and I got very sad at times and I already had my daughter.  Where babies are concerned you can't control how you feel.

Having a plan of action should really help and hopefully the coffers will be full enough soon.

You can't help how you feel and if being around children is too painful then try to limit it for now and if anyone asks be honest, they probably have no idea how much you are hurting.

I hope you get your own LO soon x

Hey Jem,

Not sure if you remember me, I was on hitched and am a serial lurker on here, mainly because its blocked on work computers and I never get time to post! But I saw your post and wanted to give you a big hug! So I am sending a virtual hug now.

I know how hard TTC is, I was a used to post on the tcc threads when it was hitched bt but eventually even that got too much for me and I had to disappear, I really struggled to watch everyone else move and get BFP. Your not a terrible person, you need to give yourself a real break from it all and if that means telling your mum how you are feeling so she can help field invites for you then do it. She will understand.

Xx

Thank you both so much, I'm in tears again now but in a good way! needed those hugs. mitzi I do remember you, I lurk more than I post too now and do have a habit of disappearing for a couple of weeks at a time.  I posted on the TTC and then on the MTTC threads but stopped when it all got too much

My brother's been told how I'm feeling but he's so wrapped up in his family he just doesnt think and I understand that.  I am happy for him but that doesnt actually make it any easier to deal with if that makes sense???

Told my mum I'm not going tonight, she says I need to learn to deal with it but she was lovely about it, she knows everything and tries to be understanding most of the time.  Think I will put my feet up with a film to try and keep my mind off things...

Oh hun you really arent a terrible person. I cant even imagine what you are going through. From an outsider's point of view i think you need to distance yourself as much as you can from the families thing until you feel ready to face it. By keep seeing children, especially little ones, its opening the wounds up again. Give yourself some time. If you feel like you arent moving forwards do you think counselling might help?

Sending you a huge hug. Keep talking to us honey xxx

Oh lovely, I'm so sorry your sad at the moment.

I'm glad your withy your mum and not on your own. There are lots of lovely ladies on here that have had a difficult journey ttc but there are also lots of positive stories they have to tell too.

I really hope you are one of the ladies that one day can help someone in your position now.

You will get there x

Jem - first of all you are not a horrible person, you are going through a tough time at the moment and you are bound to feel the way you do.  I don't know if you remember me from Hitched but I used to be MrsLF - I have been through what your going through and I felt exactly the same and found myself not wanting to be around children or go anywhere where there would be chidlren.  I got married in 2004 and we decided to try straight away for a family and nothing was happening, in 2005 I was diagnosed with PCOS and I managed to fall pregnant after 27 months but sadly I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks.  We then went on to try again and I managed to fall pregnant again in November 2007 but had another miscarriage at 12 weeks in February 2008 which left us devastated.  We managed to fall pregnant again in August/September 2008 but sadly had another miscarriage on Christmas Eve 2008, that was one of the hardest days of mine and H's lives and we struggled to get over that, but we did and fell pregnant again in May 2009 but suffered an ectopic pregnancy in June 2009 and I had to have my right fallopian tube removed.

After the ectopic pregnancy I decided that even though I was desperate for a family I couldn't put myself through trying anymore so me and H decided to get on with our lives and do things that we wanted to do, but we weren't really using any protection.  We went away in July 2010 with family for a fortnight and when we came back we had an appontment with a leading fertility specialist in Leeds who was really nasty to me and basically said to go away and not bother him again as we would never become parents naturally as my age (then 39), weight and the fact that I had PCOS were against us.  We had already enquired about adoption as we felt that we could provide a loving home for child and had been accepted onto a course but in September 2010 I had a niggling feeling that something wasn't right and I took a test to rule out pregnancy and it came up immediately 3-5 weeks pregnant.  I had a scan at 6 weeks which showed a heartbeat and was scanned regularly throughout my pregnancy and I am now the very proud Mummy of a very lively and lovable 23 month old little boy.  

I apologise for the waffle, but I wanted to let you know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and you will get there, so please, please don't be feeling guilty about how you are feeling as it is completely natural to feel how you do, xxxxx

Oh sweetheart you are not a horrible person. Your hurting and it's self preservation that keeps you from not wanting to be around babies and children. Sending a huge inadequate hug as know exactly how you are feeling xxx

You are absolutely not a horrible person, you are quite normal.

My bestest friend in the world, who got married 3 weeks before me, and started TTCing as I had #1,  slowly cut me off for pretty much the same reasons.  I didn't know at the time.  It took her 4 years to get her much longed for baby, after I had had 2 and thought I'd lost a friend, and she changed over night once her baby was born.  We've never had a proper conversation about it, but I know this is what it was.  I wish she had felt able to talk about it so I didn't have to be so baffled, but I completely respect and understand where she was coming from , and mainly from the similar posts I have read from others on hitched and here, feeling the same. 

They will understand, if not now, in the future

Goodness you are NOT a horrible person, just one who is hurting and struggling and I'd say given he circumstances most would feel the same. I wish I could make it better for you. When I felt like that I tried to remember something someone on here once wrote- I can't remember the exact words but it was along the lines of, no matter how long or hard the journey, you can get there one way or another. And you will xxx

You are not a horrible person. I've just found out our close friends are expecting and she is due two weeks after I would have been. It's human nature to feel like this. I admit I am not coping well with it at all and it's knocked me for six. Your family should understand that you need to take a step back. Like Catarina said they might not understand now but in the future they should. Lots of love and don't think badly of yourself. X

You are hurting and therefore how you feel is completely understandable. You are absolutely not a horrible person

I am sorry you are hurting so much. I haven't experience a loss like you have, but I did (and still do) find it very difficult to be around newborns when my baby was critically ill and come to terms with his disability. The one thing I learnt was that it was more stressful trying to put on a brave face than tell people how I was really feeling. I wasted so much time and emotional energy trying to protect people that it began to make me feel even more resentful toward them that I couldn't be honest. I'm not saying that you shock people and offend them, but I found that responding to people by saying 'I'm finding things tough at the moment...' helped me. That and protecting myself from situations where that I knew would find difficult helped me. xxx

Thank you all so much, you really think I'm not horrible??? MrsF thank you for sharing your story, you've been through so much it really puts perspective on things.

Carole, I think that's it so much I don't want to hurt people and explain things but thats making me feel like I have to distance myself totally as it's getting harde to keep smiling and babysitting.

Catarina, I know how your friend felt but in my case I don't have any friends and it's my family I'm distancing from.  I'm so glad you and your friend are OK now.

My mum said they had a lovely time last night, she didnt explain to anyone why I wasn't there, just said I was having a night in by myself, she says it's not up to her to say anything but she would have if she'd been asked.  

Jem you are most definitely not a horrible person, you just need to have some time to yourself and if people don't understand then that's just tough.  I shared my story because I thought it might help you, I was like you after my first and second miscarriage and went along to family gatherings where there were babies and hated every single minute of it as I did it to 'please' a few members of my H's family who I knew would kick up a fuss, but after the 3rd miscarriage that happened on Christmas Eve 2008 I put myself first and put my foot down and didn't go to any family gatherings for a good few months as I was really hurting and some people had made insensitive and crass comments to me on Christmas Day morning and I had to distance myself from them for a while.  

Just you take one day at a time, xxxx

Howdy

You are not a horrible person. I am though. I have two children but wanted a third. Ex and I had planned for a baby in April 2014 and then he left. I walked into a room at work last week and saw a colleague that I hadn't realised was pregnant, but she was obviously pregnant. I had to blank her and just walk out the room because I was so eaten up with envy. How greedy am I?

I even avoid BT and occasionally MD because of how envious I am.

to you

Oh jem. Huge hugs to you. You're not at all horrible just feel how most would feel in the same situation. If you need an actual hug from an internet weirdy friend then you know I'm here and you're always welcome. I of course realise though that having 2 children here is exactly the situation you are avoiding!  I hope everything changes for the better very soon and work sorts itself out and you get your longed for bfp very soon xxx

thank you again

QI you're not greedy or horrible or if you are I am too, I do the avoidance thing too. sometimes you have to.

LvP thank you, I'd love to come and meet you and your two again some time. Definitely when I'm having a good day though, or you'll end up with a sobbing wreck on your sofa!