Even as I'm writing this I feel like a terrible person. I just seem to be struggling more than ever at the moment and I just feel horrible.
My brothers best friends wife had a baby on Friday. They're a lovely couple and I am pleased for them but the first thing I did when I heard was burst into tears. My mum showed me the pictures and he is beautiful but I just couldnt stop the tears. When my brother came round later he got his phone out to show me and I cut him dead saying I'd already seen them.
I'm staying with my mum at the moment as I'm still having a rough time with work and the dr has signed me off until the middle of April. Brother and his fiancee have been up a few times with her kids in the last few days. They're 7,5 and 3 and I'm really struggling to be around them. I'm not snappy or anything and I'm really making an effort but I seem to be constantly in tears and convinced it will never be me. They came round this afternoon and I ended up sitting upstairs sobbing for an hour. Nobody knows just how much it has got me at the moment. I think my other problems arent helping but I feel a bit stuck between a rock and a hard place.
My mum is insisting I stay here because she's worried about me being miles away all on my own at the moment. But here I seem to just be bombarded with children and the family thing I feel like I will never ever have.
I TTC with my ex H for 2 years and have been trying with OH now for six months. I've gone through all the fertility tests and am saving at the moment for private treatment with OH which hopefully we arent too far off.
I've been invited up to my auntys tonight with the whole family and I don't want to go. I've come up with about a hundred excuses because the truth just seems so awful, that I can't stand to spend a whole evening around the children. I know how terrible that is and I'm crying again just thinking it but I'm at the end of my capabilities here please can someone give me some advice on how to manage this better? I thought it would get easier as time went on and I got used to it but it hasn't, every single day seems harder than the one before it.
And I know others are going through worse than me and that makes me feel even worse but I really need your help, please