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05/02/2014 at 12:47
We both have a wonderful relationship with my parents and I can honestly say they are amazing. My FIL and Fiance (soon to be wife) are also great, easy to get along with etc.
My MIL not so much. She is difficult, easily offended and hard work. My OH and her row quite often (me not bothering, FIL getting married etc) Because of this my OH doesnt bother with her much (maybe once a week max for an hr or 2 on his day off).
Everyone lives within 10 minutes of each other.
Im not going into giving out the whole history but I have a very uneasy relationship with her and its so forced. I havnt seen in her in 5 months (pretty impressive! lol) Basically I cant do anything right, her and her sisters *** and slabbour about me (one removed me from facebook because I deleted a rude comment from her). When I dont bother, Im the worst in the world, and when I do bother (family gatherings etc) holes are picked in me and still nothing is right.
I know they dont see it like I do - they see an OAP by herself with a son who doesnt bother because of his wife (not true, Ive never stopped OH from seeing her - he is lazy and cant be bothered with the grief).
Now she is very excited about this grandchild - as as everyone - first on both sides. She has started texting me. I reply & am polite but I dont trust her and want as little to do with her. I know she will love this baby and be very kindly to it but Im worried as children pick up on atmospheres and might overhear not so nice things about mummy.
Its gone way past trying to have a relationship so please dont tell me to build one with her. I cant, its not in my nature to forgive people who have stood on me too many times.
Have any of you have difficulties with In Laws? How does it all work with a child? Any tips, advice would me much appreciated.
05/02/2014 at 13:06
Sounds like you've done everything you can. My sister has been in the same situation she is the blame for all things wrong in the world! She is taking an interest which is a start and you sound open to her being involved- I would see how she behaves once your baby is here to start with and go from there. My sister doesn't ever go to her ILs house unless its Boxing Day, but she encourages her H to take my niece there twice a week so she still sees her grandparents. It also means she gets some well deserved time to herself lol
05/02/2014 at 13:14
If you plan on the relationship continuing as it is then it sounds like she would not see a great deal of baby anyway- you wouldn't take the baby to visit and you OH would take him/her once a week for a couple of hours.
In this situation she wouldn't be on her own with baby to be able to criticise you, and I'm assuming your OH wouldn't allow her to criticise you when he was there.
But, you say she is very excited about baby, first grand child etc so I'm assuming you are not going to be able to get away with it continuing as it is right now- ie she will want more frequent visits etc. I think it's good that your OH is aware of what she is like and I would tell him your concerns and suggest you both talk to her about it . It depends on what you are like but personally I would want to confront her about it ASAP as it is going to stress you and worry you more as the pregnancy goes on and baby's arrival gets closer
05/02/2014 at 13:24
it sounds complicated. does your husband have any siblings? I only ask because you said this is the first grandchild on all sides. will there potentially any others? It's just that I've found that once a MIL has a grandchild by their own daughter then the loyalty shifts towards this grandchild anyway. You might find that she is initially very excited but looses interest once more children come into the family.
05/02/2014 at 13:43
Hi everyone thanks for the replies.
I know we will see more of her now which I guess is why its stressing me. I honestly cant talk to her - she is not a rational person and is always looking sympathy, has a poor me attitude - she would make it out to be a big drama rather than a conversation.
My OH does know but he is a *** and lets her away with too much IMO - I'd have told her to shut up several times by now. If he stood up to her and didnt let her create her dramas (then walk away from & pretend she didnt!) it would be easier.
OH is an only child - so all the pressure has been on me! lol
05/02/2014 at 14:28
Inlaw families cab be so sressful. I have an awkward relationship with mine but nothing like yours. I think you will have to wait til baby is here to see how it will be. Remain civil and take the higher ground. It may be worth speaking to OH about what happens when baby is here. i.e no unexpected visits etc just to make it less stressful for you. Having a newbaby is stressful enough.
05/02/2014 at 16:24
I have a difficult relationship with my inlaws, too much has gone on in the past to repair it but I promised myself not to allow it to cloud E's relationship with them as it was up to him to decide as time goes on how much he wants to be around them. To this end I see them very sparingly and H takes E up probably once a month (20 min drive away, only time I ever get to myself too!).
When I was pregnant I tormented myself with thoughts of MIL holding my baby, but I was surprised by how little it bothered me when it happened as she was good with him. He is the third grandchild for her (of 4 now) and the others were H's sisters kids so as someone else mentioned, it's a different relationship and as we are close to my parents and they are our childcare E is obviously closer to them but it's still difficult and I wish it were different but it is what it is.
I have said though that I won't put up with any shenanigans that affect E, I have done in the past and not said things I should've done when it only affected us but things are different now and we're our own family. H accepts and agrees with that, so at the moment we bob along! It's a difficult but not uncommon situation so i've found. Good luck with yours but don't let it stress you out during your pregnancy xx
06/02/2014 at 09:40
I had a bad relationship with my ex-ILs, too much to list here but it was awful. My saving grace was that they lived 4 hours away...well 7 hours the way MIL drove!
When I first met them OH was confused as to why I was so distant and we had blazing rows over them and the way they treated us. Now I look back and can see that they tried to baby us (telling us how to pack to go away, asking about out bank accounts, saying what we should be doing with our lives etc) when I was used to being fairly independent. Once we had B he changed his attitude, took a few months but once they pushed him too far with trying to take over how we raised him, he said something. It was awful, I remember him crying as he told his mum on the phone to stop or she would lose us all We didn't see them so much after that, they couldn't stop themselves saying things/interfering so think it was easier to stay away. Now ex-H and I are getting divorced and B sees them maybe three times a year when ex-H takes him to visit them for a week or so. There is still tension.
Hopefully once you have your baby, your H will be able to put a stop to the behaviour that upsets you or you may find it is bearable for a couple hours a week. I would be polite in replying to her texts, but don't open yourself up to being upset or made angry. She has to accept that by not making you feel welcome she is risking her relationship with her son and new grandchild. I sound so mean but hate hearing of pregnant ladies who are being stressed by selfish people.
06/02/2014 at 13:12
I really appreciate all the replies ladies.
My no means is my MIL evil or anything but we have nothing in common (other than OH) and I am a get up and go type of person whereas she pretends to be oh so frail and everyone panders to her whereas I see through her. She is twisted and unhappy. But her actions have driven people away rather than closer and all she has is a couple of sisters - no friends etc. And she had poisoned those people against me which has made things more awkward.
I cant see my OH changes his ways (he aint going to man up overnight!) and he just wants an easy life which is fair enough until its making my life uneasy,
But as I say, I know she will be a wonderful granny. I guess I will just have to suck a lot up wont I? The problem is when she actually does come to the house when I am there, say dinner, she gets in a mood if I spend too much time in the kitchen than sitting chatting to her - Im MAKING THE DINNER I CANT PHYSICALLY BE IN THE LIVING ROOM AS WELL. See what I mean about irrational? So say she calls in to visit and I am doing stuff for baby - washing, ironing whatever - this will upset her and she says I make her feel unwelcome - whereas my parents would make themselves a cup of tea, sit down and chat or heaven forbid offer to help!
What should I do in these situations? Im not going to lie, they stress me out - with another normal person it wouldnt be anything remotely like a problem - with her, she gets offended, upset etc - I really dont think thats normal?!!!
06/02/2014 at 13:55
My mil won't sit down in my house. Hovers around but never offers to help either. So we don't invite her round anymore. Keeps everyone happy and she'll just never pop in. She feels that going to buy paint is more important than seeing our kids. Sorry rant over.
I think you'll find that there will be alot of grin and bear it moments and she'll probably be doing the same. Families are very difficult and complicated.
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