Hi

I get on really well with my in-laws, but I knew it was only going to be a matter of time before we disagreed on something, and on Sunday it happened lol

Basically my MIL was talking about when hubby was a baby and she mentioned that when hubby and brother were babies, she would get their wee thumbs and put them in their mouths for them to suck f they got restless in the day/night .
I dont think that there is anything wrong with this at all, its just that I wouldnt choose to do this myself, and hubby feels the same. I dont want lo to have a dummy or suck its thumb but if I had to choose, I would give a dummy.
My worry is that his mum basically said that she will be doing the same with our baby as she did with my hubby, at which point I thought to myself 'erm, no you wont'.
I made it clear that I dont want that and she just kept saying 'but why not' its their own germs, 'why not'

What do I say to her to get her to understand that its just something we dont want, so she wont be doing it either, without being rude. :\)

Thanks ladies



[Modified by: melanie2010 on 09 June 2010 17:11:58 ]

You could say that u dont want him sucking his own thumb due to germs! Wether there his or not he can still pick up dangerous germs from other people/floor/surfaces ect!

I'd just say i want him to have a dummy if we have to but if he can self soothe then i wont use anything as it can be distressful for the child when the dummies are taken off them an if they suck their thumb its an even worser habit to get ur child out of like biting their nails, an i would gently say that if she can't care for ur child with ur wishes then she wont have him over to stay i know that sounds harsh btu hes ur child after all x

dummies are specially shaped to fit a babies mouth; a thumb isnt. Thumb sucking is worse for their talking than dummies as a) they are the wrong shape so dont help the mouth develop properly and b) you can't take them off them!!

Trying to wean off a dummy is hard enough, but at least you can take it away from them - a thumb is permanently there.

Tell her straight and tell her firm that this is your baby not hers, so you and hubby will do things how you both want to do it. I have a bad relationship with my MIL - when she starts interfering and saying all the things she is going to do with lo and how I should do things with/for him I tell her to mind her own business; if she doesnt like the way I'm raising MY child she doesn't have to watch me raise him!!

Sorry that turned into a rant!!

erm, thats a tough one because you must realise WHATEVER you say will offend her if its not agreeing with her!

Same old story I'm afraid. You HAVE to put it bluntly...................................
when she says "why not?" you have to say something along the lines of:

1. Because I said so! (a timeless classic that anyone over the age of 30 will appreciate)
2. Because a dummy can be weaned away from a baby - a THUMB CANNOT! unless its aputated
3. I'm the mother, you are just a nan now, my decision for my own children is final - deal with it so nobody will be stepping on my toes.

A new baby entering ANY family causes a problem no matter how much you may love your MIL! there's something weird that happens to family when you have a baby - they all change and feel they have a right to dictate, boss you about, push their opinion on you, expect visits, basically THEY JUST EXPECT TOO MUCH!
I'd nip it in the bud as early as you can if I were you! or it will eat at you. The worst thing about faily and their weird doings, is that they are totally oblivious to them and blame us! its the biggest joke of my life!
Good luck xx

I agree with Garfield, weaning from a adummy will be tough enough but at least you can take it away. My close friend still sucks her thumb (in private) and she's 26!!
I know you don't want to rock the boat with your in laws but you are going to have to be firm about this or she may do it whist you're not around x

I sucked my thumb as my mum doesn't like dummies and I have to say it did not affect my talking one little bit!! I started talking early and have rarely shut up since.

The thumb did however affect my teeth. I had large adult teeth anyway and the thumb sucking pushed/pulled my top front teeth forward. In the end I had 4 adult teeth removed (not as a result of the thumb thing but because they were too large for my mouth) and needed a brace. Even had I not had a brace to sort out the gaps I think I would have needed one for the goofiness! So you could use the dental route as an argument.

I did suck my thumb until I was about 7 or 8 (at home!) and only stopped as I got a bump on my thumb that made me self concious and I wanted it to go away.

Thanks for your replies
I dont have any issues with babies that suck their thumbs, or babies that use a dummy, I just wont be 'taking his wee thumb and putting it in his mouth' like my MIL said I should do as that is 'what she will be doing'. I found it a bit annoying that she thinks she will be able to do this without even asking how we felt about it.
You're right though, I will just have to tell her straight.
I spoke to hubby about it today when he got home, he said not to worry and that he is going to say to her that she will not be putting our babies thumb in its mouth because we dont want her to! She will take the message from him for sure, I just didnt want hubby to think I was being over sensitive on the subject. Luckily he feels the same as me though, phew.
Thanks again

I'm 31 and I still find myself sucking my thumb sometimes.

I had braces for years!

hun, you need to tell her that you will choose what your lo has and doesnt have. my lo started sucking her thumb at 6weeks and no matter what we did she still sucked it at night. its the worst thing ever, i have no idea how we will wean her. i have decided that if this lo goes for thumb sucking i am going to give a dummy coz feel it is so much easier to wean.xxx

esme sucks her thumb when she sleeps and sometimes when she tries to sleep. i ddnt want to give her a dummy but she was a sucky baby, settling on my boob to sleep, but she wouldnt hae a dummy. sometimes during the night we wake up to the sound of her tring to find her thumb and getting upset when she cant get it in. so i put it in for her. when your baby wakes you up at 3am as they are upset as they cant find their thumb you might change your mind.

I wasnt trying to start a debate about dummy/thumb/none, it was more how to tell MIL that the decision will be made by hubby and myself and not her. She did it with hubby and he was fine.
But I can tell you for 100% fact that I will not change my mind on encouraging our baby to suck its thumb. Theres nothing wrong with it, we just definitely wont be doing it!

If you think it's bad now, wait til the baby arrives - she'll have a world of "advice" for you!! Just tell her straight in as sweet a voice as you can that you do not want her to put your baby's thumb in its mouth. I would say she is your DH's mother so let him deal with it but sometimes, it is better coming from you, belkieve me. MILs do not want to mess with DILs once they have had a baby.


By the way, my daughter had no interest in a dummy or her thumb and just sucks her tongue, folds it in half like I do!!

My sister sucked her thumb as a baby and stilll does at 25, He sucking thumb is all wrinkled and half the size of her other thumb and she has a lisp because her teeth a bit misshapen. Perhaps you could say you would rather a dummy or nothing at all?

Hubby feels the same way so it's good because he will mention it and she listens to everything he says, he is golden boy. If it was my mum I would have told her right there and then, but it took me by surprise. Me and hubby have been together for 6 years and MIL and I have always got on brilliantly, its having babies that make them want to take over lol.
Yeah it will be nothing at all or dummy hopefully x

Hope she does listen to your hubby hun, nothing worse than bossy MIL's IMO :lol:

I feel I may have a falling out with my MIL over some things, though we get on fine she certainly didn't look very happy when I told her of my intention to have baby at home and started giving arguements for going in to hospital!

When I went for ante-natal classes the paediatrician who gave us a talk said this: the best thing is nothing to suck on, if that's not possible (which it usually isn't!) then use a dummy. If you can help it never let them suck their thumb or finger, not because of germs but because dummies can be hidden or thrown away and thumbs can't!

If she wont listen just say "well how about we stick YOUR thumb up your a*@e"

If I were you I wouldnt be planning on this woman having my baby without me being there. Ever! who's knows what she'll do without your knowledge. As us girlies who have children already have learned - MILs and our own Mums want to play 'mummies' with OUR babies! dress them up like dolls push them around in prams allday pretending they are their mummy, they will do whatever they think is right and whatever they did for their own babies (some 20 and more years ago) even if that means doing things against our wishes. My son had a chocolate ban until the age f 5 as it sent him barmy, also sweets, lollies etc. My mum still gave him other sweets and chocolate but said "oh its only buttons though" behind my back! eer YES AND I SAID NO CHOCOLATE DUMBASS. They all need a wake up call. I bet THEIR own mothers and MILS got on their nerves when it was their baby!
Speak up now or forever hold your peace!!
My MIL nor my mum or anyone else in the families for that matter will be taking care of my baby for me. I'd rather pay a qualified carer who will do as she is told or she loses her job! a MIL or Mother will do as they please as they think they know best. They don't. WE HAVE LEARNED BY THEIR MISTAKES, something they all fail to spot! nobody knows our baby better then we do and we make the decisions, and if people are known to not listen and just do their own thing - its quite simple.................. they are no longer allowed to look after the child!
xx

When my baby was born, she was on a STRICT 'only to be fed by mummy routine' as I was bottle feeding and didn't want to lose the connection between us. I left her with my mum for literally 15-20 mins, as soon as I went out the door I came back to her feeding my baby! I was livid. my baby wasn't due a feed but my mum preceeded to tell me she wanted it! granted she took it but she wasn't DUE it and would have remained content until I got back, it was more because yet again my mum wanted to play dollies with my baby and feed her when even my HUSBAND doesn't feed her.
My mum does not look after my daughter anymore. She never listens so its her loss. I said from day one I'm not having anyone play mummies or try and take over with my baby and I warned her long before my second baby was born. She still tried. If I wanted a pram, she would sit looking online through baby mags looking to find one (like it was anything to do with her??) if we went shopping together she wouldn't let me push my own daughter it drove me mad but she was totally oblivious! even if we went out altogether, with my hubby, dad, mum, son it was my mum who would bloody sulk or get bitchy if someone else pushed the pram its pathetic.

You really have to make yourself quite clear about what you want with people - if they don't approve - dont see them.
xx

I think you just need to state the facts and make yourself clear without being confrontational.

Just a quick point though, i never wanted my lo to suck her thumb and bought a variety of dummies for her to find the one that suited best. She started using it at 2 weeks old and then at 10 weeks old she found her thumb and boy if you tried to give her a dummy after that she would go mental ! Believe me we tried everything to get her back on the dummy but for whatever reason she wanted her thumb and still sucks it at 14 months when she's tired or upset or in an unsure environment. What i'm trying to say is you might not want lo to use thumb but you may not get a choice, they can be very stubborn ! LOL

Potty Totty - I appreciate that you may have a lot of issues with you mum and MIL but just because yours are like that doesn't mean that they are all like that, surely everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt before you brand them all as unreasonable people who won't listen?

My SIL will only trust our MIL to look after my niece as she listens to her instructions about how to care for her baby.

The situation with your mum and MIL sounds a pain in the rear, but don't taint everyone with the same brush.

I would let your MIL know how you feel and see how you go from there, she genuinely might not realise what she is doing and be mortified that you think she is going to do something to your baby that you don't want.

Hope she listens to your hubby xx