Pregnancy & Birth Clubs <
30/03/2014 at 22:08
I didn't think about any form of plan in terms of keeping friends/family informed of progress of labour. Exception being Harry. I kind of saw it as a little bubble of us here being caught up in, especially if we strike gold with a home birth, somehow it feels as though that would be even more private.
Andy just rang his mum (Mothers Day call) and three times she insisted he let her know when things kick off, she kept saying 'you'll not just leave us until the end will you? You'll let us know?'.
His mum is LOVELY and dotes on her boy and I understand her keenness to know, yet it annoyed me!!? And it annoyed me more that Andy said 'yes, yes' every time and then came off the phone and said he isn't bothered about letting her know. So I feel like he's lied to her and now if we don't let her know, we're mean scumbags. I'm more direct and would have said I just didn't know how it would pan out, and I wouldn't promise.
On top of that, if Baxter arrives during Harry's 4 day D of E camping trip in Wales no one (except the medical profession) is allowed to visit until big brother and baby have met for the first time. Mother-in-Law will profess to be fine with that concept, but she'll be GUTTED.
I, on the other hand, have made it very clear to my mum that she's to come nowhere near if Harry is away :)
Just wondered what other folk did about keeping family informed x
30/03/2014 at 22:20
We had exactly the same conversation at dinner this evening!
To be honest, I was originally planning on not telling anyone until it was over. But then my mum has been calling and texting me so often that if I go AWOL she'll panic and she said she wants to know when we go to hospital. When I thought about it I'm ok with that because at the end of the day she still thinks of me as her little girl and I really don't want her worrying. Obviously if we keep my parents updated then we'll have to let the inlaws know too. I just don't want to feel pressured like we have to give them updates every 30mins, or have the thought that they might end up turning up at the hospital before I'm ready for visitors. H doesn't think they will...I'm not too sure.
We keep getting phone calls/messages from people who seem to think that we might have had the baby and not told anyone (I'm talking about H's family, not random friends!). I can only see that getting more annoying this week.
31/03/2014 at 06:48
That's certainly not how I wanted things. Everyone was kept up to date (I was in hospital for 60 hours before he was born) and I wouldn't change that. It's a very exciting time for families and I wouldn't take that away from them. I also wouldn't ban family visiting for 4 days but each to their own.
31/03/2014 at 06:52
31/03/2014 at 06:55
With F, we didn't let anyone know I was in labour until we'd settled in in the hospital and things were underway, even then we only really informed my mum. Everything was very straightforward and it happened fairly quickly so H waited until after F was born to ring his dad and other family members. This time it's going to be different as we'll need someone to look after F when we go into hospital so I'm not sure what'll happen really. I don't really mind people knowing I'm in labour but I wouldn't want anyone turning up.
31/03/2014 at 07:11
We decided that we wouldn't tell people anything was happening until I went into hospital and was staying there. It didn't really pan out as my waters went first and H was at work in London so my mum had to drive me to hospital, at which point I was sent home. We told ILs then as my parents obviously knew and then told H's brothers as I wanted to yell my sister and we wanted to be fair. We did tell them strictly that we wanted to be left alone whilst I waited for labour to get going and we would just let them know if things changed. We insisted on no phonecalls, visits etc during that time.
As it was, I had to go in to be induced. They got a phone call telling them that, and then a text once I was hooked up then a phone call when S was born. I think we got the balance right, they were informed so they didn't worry but I didn't want H to be on the phone every time I dilated another cm (his parents would've probably preferred this...)
With visiting, we were in hospital for a few days so visits were restricted and on day 3, I had a meltdown so we banned them all and I don't regret it at all. You have to put your little family unit first I think.
When we got home, H's family piled round and it was awful. They fussed so much, asked lots of personal, intimate questions about my 'ahem' welfare and it was awful. Obviously your situation is different as you will hopefully get your homebirth and you also have Harry but I think you're right to say he gets first meet, even if he's away. It might disappoint some people but you will be more disappointed if Harry is third or fourth to meet Baxter. Once they get squishy newborn cuddles I'm sure it won't matter at all :)
31/03/2014 at 07:12
31/03/2014 at 07:17
We also waited until it was over. It wasn't our initial plan, first we were going to let them know when we were in hospital, but my waters broke in the middle of the night and as I was 36+6 I had to go in to be monitored as baby was technically premature. When I was examined at 5am I wasn't even 1cm diliated so we decided to wait until things progressed, but when they next checked at 8:30am I was 10cm and rushed to a birthing suite. I think as much as you can have a plan in place you can't always follow it as it all depends on what time and how the labour is.
31/03/2014 at 07:32
I ended up being induced at 12 days late so all previous plans went out the window :-)
My parents, best friend and the in laws all knew.
31/03/2014 at 07:40
I was induced at 38 weeks, I told my mum and we told the MIL but that was on the understanding that no one came to see us until we told them B was here. It took 3 days for him to arrive and then they we're up for the afternoon visiting hours. We needed my parents anyway to bring us home as H doesn't drive!! I completely understand the not wanting anyone to meet the baby until Harry has, but I think you may have to let them know that the baby has arrived. Hopefully you'll get your home birth and Harry will be there so it won't be a problem
31/03/2014 at 09:45
The plan was to tell my mum, as she my have had to collect B if he couldn't be around during a home birth. Depending on the time of day we would have let the ILs know too, if it was the middle of the night then we would have waited until morning for example. But, they were all told how quickly Bobby came once things got going so if there wasn't time we would do it when we could.
As it happens, I had to go in for induction at 13 days late so my mum, ILs, siblings and our best friends knew. We went for breakfast and then to see my mum and drop off B's sleeping stuff before we went in. The only thing that annoyed me was MIL texting to say how they would induce me, by breaking my waters, completely unreasonable but I was nervous and she didn't know what she was talking about! I said sorry to OH after for ranting about that! lol.
31/03/2014 at 09:47
With C, My parents knew, as I was 18 and still lived at home. Because I was only 27+0, we were more concerned with getting to hospital, than letting people know. Once he was born, my Mum made the calls to my family, and my bf phoned his.
With J, my Mum knew, as I was with her when I went into labour, plus she needed to look after C when I was in hospital. I was discharged quickly, so no time for visitors, but after me and H, C and my Mum were the first people to meet J.
31/03/2014 at 10:16
Similarly to Noodle, we only told parents and my best friend (who is a midwife) about induction date. Mainly because Ii didn't want the pressure of everyone calling following my previous birth. As soon as she was born we sent a message out to everyone.
31/03/2014 at 10:21
Ultimately you need to do what is right for you and your immediate family- I disagree that it takes anything away from them if you don't tell them when things are kicking off- getting the phone call to tell them their grandchild has arrived is just as special IMO and if they don't know you're in labour they can't worry - ignorance is bliss!
With T I told my Mum that I thought things were starting but not to expect an announcement imminently as I thought he'd be a while- and also my aunty who is a midwife, just to get her advice. Mum had wanted me to text when we were going in to hospital but things happened so quickly we didn't have time. 't hindsight I am glad- she didn't stay up all night worrying about me being in labour and - this is the important bit for me- it meant we could have some time the three of us then ring the families when we were ready without the pressure of knowing they were waiting by the phone. I felt very much that initial time was important for us as a new family.
31/03/2014 at 10:31
We had a similar scenario, with my Mum adamant we tell her when I was in labour. It started with her offering to be there during the birth (God, no!!) and when I declined but said 'We'll be phoning you with the exciting news once baby is here, won't it be lovely, blah, blah' she said 'Well you'll be phoning me as soon as you're in labour!' I tried to say I didn't want that, didn't want anyone waiting and worrying, especially if it was a long labour or any complications, but her response was that H could update if it was drawn out (No, no no!!) That was the last thing I wanted - for me, it was all about me, H and getting baby out safely, focussing only on us, but she really wasn't getting it. I asked advice on here and someone suggested just agreeing to tell her but then not. I know you said you didn't want to do that, but it was the right and kindest thing for us. My Mum felt appeased that we were taking on board that she wanted to pray for us or whatever, and I wasn't being harassed about letting her know! The thinking was that once baby was here, she wouldn't give a hoot that we hadn't told her of his imminent arrival... However she was actually annoyed when I rang!
Me - 'I've got some news...' Her - 'Are you in labour??' Me - 'No, baby is here!!' Her - 'What? You didn't tell me you were going into labour?' Me - Erm, priorities Mum, do you want to know if it's a boy or girl??!!' Ha ha! She soon got over it!
We were lucky as I had a very straight forward induction and things were fairly speedy. If it had gone on for 3 days, I'm sure we would have made contact as we talked regularly and she would have been more worried if we just disappeared off the face of the earth for days. Luckily it didn't come to that. I do remember itching to let family know once S had arrived, but couldn't as it was the middle of the night, and the MW did say we were naughty for not telling them we were in labour. I was quite surprised it seemed to be the done thing, but I guess it depends on your personality and circumstance. I'm not very showbiz, I didn't want any attention about the delivery side, I wanted to get on with it and just let people know once bambino was here and safe.
Maybe with Andy's Mum, part of the need for involvement is knowing she potentially won't get to meet LO for four days, so she wants to be included pre arrival? Just a thought.
31/03/2014 at 10:53
We had always said we'd keep it quiet but seeing as I live next door to my mum I always planned to tell her when we were going to the hospital. When my waters went I was so excited that I phoned her whilst we were getting ready to head to the hospital, she popped round and gave me a hug etc. Then we text H's parents and our siblings to let them know. Things happened really quickly and O was born at 22:57 but I only saw him for 5 mins before I had to go to theatre for stitches, it was gone 1am before I was reunited with him and we weren't transferred to the ward until nearly 4am so H waited until 6am to make the phone calls. Think my mum had a fairly sleepless night but wasn't miffed that we had waited to call xx
Hmm, I think there's a good balance to be found here. I know from my experience of my siblings having babies that I was very very excited and happy to know that things were under way. I'm super far away from everyone and am usually so out of the loop that it was really nice to be included, even if it was just my brother giving my mom permission to tell us siblings that they were in hospital and all was underway. Or my sister facetiming me in the 2 weeks leading up to her section to first say 'argh, he's breech!' Then 'the doctor is going to try to turn him,' then 'my section is booked for this date and time, I'm nervous!' If we lived near each other we would have had these chats over coffee and cake, but it meant so much more to me having them when we are thousands of miles apart. I mean, I told her I was pregnant immediately, a good 7 weeks before we told anyone else because she was pregnant as well.
But I do think a lot depends on the specific family members. I don't have much of a problem with having a whole load of people wanting to descend upon us the moment we are home. My family is all abroad and MIL has said she won't come over until we say we are ready. If I thought there was a risk of anyone being hugely intrusive I thi it's a good case of being quiet about it, but as far as my family are concerned I know I would feel a bit hurt (as ridiculous and selfish as that sounds) if I wasn't kept in e loop about such an important event. If my family wasn't so close, though, that obviously wouldn't be a problem.
oh, and my sister facetimed me every day she was in hospital!! If we have wifi or a good 3/4G signal I will probably do the same if we are kept in..
31/03/2014 at 11:06
So interesting! I love hearing how other families do it, some of our dynamics are so different!
Andy's mum doesn't know there might be a 4 day hiatus on visiting, we decided that the chances of that happening to that degree were quite slim so we would address it if we needed to. Andy thinks she may take that initial call as an excuse to come over, or at least to book to come over even though we have no clue of potential outcomes. Even if HB we could easily end up transferred during or after. My suggested compromise is that he texts to say 'midwives are here' or 'on way to hospital' and that we'll phone when it's all over.
I loved what Rose put about that little pocket of time to enjoy with baby without the pressure of keeping families updated etc. Sounds wonderful!
Having said that, I was really worried about my sister with the twins and texting twice a day to see how she was! Although she had induction date, then CS date so we all knew the score.
31/03/2014 at 11:25
We haven't really planned exactly what is going to happen yet! Kind of hoping it goes something like;
- Let my parents, the in-laws and siblings know when we get to the hospital (will wait until the morning if we go in overnight!) Will drop the dog at the in-laws on the way if things start at an odd hour!
- H will keep them updated by text every so often, they will be told to not text/call/turn up unless we ask them to!
- H will call once baby is here.
- If we are only going to be in the hospital for the rest of the day/overnight to wait until we are home to visit.
- We want our dog to be at home waiting for us when we arrive, so we can have a little quiet time getting her used to the new arrival and to settle in a little at home.
Me & H have also agreed that in the 1st week at home we would like at least a day or so of just the 3 of us(4 including the dog!) so we can get to know the new arrival!
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