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23/05/2013 at 18:02
Need some advice. My daughter has been friends with two children since preschool, the other mums have become quite good friends in that time. My daughter was really close to both of them esp one of the girls. in nursery both mums would turn down invites to come to ours after school b/c they said the children were too tired, but I knew they were meeting up with each other during term time after school. I didn't let my daughter know this b/c I didn't want her to be upset she was being left out.
this year (reception) they stopped playing with her in school, no invites back to theirs, then they started making a big deal to her about how they were going over each other's houses to my daughter, and now they are starting to tease her as well. I know there are two sides to every story etc. so I've let it slide. but today after school they were making a big deal about going to each other's house and using some words that rhyme with her name, not bad words but she started crying and the mother just passed by & didn't say anything, didn't ask them to stop, etc. and it was obvious they were really upsetting my daughter.
Obviously there's no use saying anything to mum and school are useless about dealing with kids having problems as several other friends have had no luck with getting any help from school when there has been teasing and worse. But just looking for some advice on what I should say to my daughter. She has lots of other friends etc. but she still wants to be close to these two. school says she is always v well behaved and she's always getting stickers for being kind to other children etc. so I can only assume she is being nice to them. I just want to help her understand they aren't worth the tears. what really upset her as well as the other mother didn't get them to stop or say sorry
any advice greatly appreciated.
23/05/2013 at 18:15
What a horrible situation, Zoe starts reception in September and I am dreading friendship issues more than anything.
Could you maybe invite some of the other children over after school and try and cultivate those friendships ? I think I would be honest with your daughter and say that sometimes people just decide they want to play with other people instead, and start highlighting other friendships she has.
23/05/2013 at 18:25
What a horrible situation. Why do some girls get so bitchy from such a young age? Although I'm assuming in this instance that they've learnt it from their delightful mothers.
I was once moaning about someone who I didn't like to a friend whose 6 year old was watching TV and who we both thought wasn't listening. Her daughter turned to me and said that I should only be friends with nice people who make me happy. Out of the mouth of babes...
I like JB's idea of cultivating your daughter's existing friendships. That's probably the way forward.
23/05/2013 at 18:29
I echo JB. Could you organise a play date with other children your daughter plays with? I remember this happened to me when I was in school (both primary and high school), and there isn't anything you can really do sadly when you still want to be friends with people who don't want to know anymore. Just constantly remind your daughter what a wonderful person she is and that she has all these other friends who do want to be her friend too! It could be jealousy on the other girls part that your daughter is doing so well and maybe they're not? As for the parents, I don't understand parents who allow their kids to behave like that in public. I'd be mortified if I found out my child was bullying other children.
23/05/2013 at 18:37
Thanks for the replies x. I was bullied like this at school but was in Year 4-5, not fun but at least I was more grown up. it just makes me so sad its happening so young. She has a couple of playdates with children she gets on pretty well with over half term, I'm hoping this will help her. Its just hard to explain to her why this is happening b/c she thinks she's done something wrong.
23/05/2013 at 18:46
Sorry RKB to hear you've been through similar, its not nice at any age. I know she has to be less sensitive but its hard when they are so young
23/05/2013 at 20:07
Can you have a 'party' at your house? Just invite 3 other friends over for tea and ice cream and to play for a couple of hours. Not invite the other girls. Give a good weeks notice so she has time to chat to her friends about her 'party'. Little girls can be bitchy. I'm a reception teacher and I get this all the time. Plus 'parties' are amazing but 'round to play' is less so. Be honest to the other mums so they can big it up at home to make them excited.
23/05/2013 at 20:19
Custard - I really like the party idea, it would make her feel special as well.
23/05/2013 at 20:37
And so she should feel special! Reason for party - being a good friend and kind to others!
23/05/2013 at 21:53
It could be worth talking to her teacher and asking them who she plays with at school. Does she seem happy at play times? Or does she spend a lot of time trying to join in with the other two girls. Can she be encouraged to play with others. My daughter's school (she's in year 1) would emphasise that being unkind to our friends is not how we behave. To be honest if they were doing it in front of me -the teasing - I would say something to them along the lines of "that's not a kind way to behave". Said mildly but so they do know.
I feel its OK to acknowledge her feelings of sadness and to say "I know you are feeling sad because x and y were being silly. But you can just walk away or tell a teacher if they do it at school. And remember that you can play with (other children) instead"
Reception year is all about learning how to play together and how to function as a class. The school should be helping with that - learning how to be friends. So I would raise it - as something they should all learn - not about your child specifically. At my daughter's school it was one of their learning goals.
23/05/2013 at 21:58
Boys are all play fights and making it up again quite quickly. Girls are more intense and its more about words.
24/05/2013 at 10:11
Cedar - she's been struggling getting used to school and has been tearful at drop off all year. she has been telling me they won't play with her she's played with others but seeing how they were yesterday makes me think its more than just her being sensitive, that they are going out of their way to hurt her feelings. School is useless unfortunately as a couple of other girls have had problems not only with being teased but also being pushed around by other children and the school claims they've never seen it and maybe the child is making it up for attention. So I don't see the point in involving them if they can't see physical stuff there is no way they'll notice if the girls are saying upsetting stuff to her. According to her teacher she's happy once in school, gets along with the other children very well, has lots of friends, etc. When she saw these two girls this morning they came up to her and my daughter just backed away and clung to me, so she's obviously not happy. the mother who wasn't there yesterday when she was being teased invited us around next week. I've decided to say we're busy b/c to be honest I think its probably best to try to distance her from these two girls.
24/05/2013 at 10:24
thanks everyone for your replies. think distancing her from these two girls is best step forward, and cultivating the friendships she already has.
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