hello. totally g/c as i have a 5 month old but i was just wondering what you think is acceptable?

during my pregnancy and since dd was born my parents would offer to pay for things. this meant me and hubby chose them and my dad got his debit card out! my mother-in-law would offer to buy things, but also expect to choose, which i thought was not on, eg dd's christening dress which i thought we should get to choose, not be told which to get. this was the same with our wedding. my parents said they'd pay for photogapher, bridesmaids dresses ect, gave us a budget and we chose. mil said she wanted to pay for stationary and told us who was making it, so i didnt get to have the breakfast at tiffany's audrey hepburn type ones id already chosen.

what do you think? if someone offers to pay for something, should they get to choose it as well? as i think if the gift is the giving, then trying to keep control is not a gift it's a control thing iykwim. or do i sould spoilt?

im with your thinking. its like them saying we'll buy you your wedding dress but we have to choose it!! uh no!!!
if they are giving you a gift its different as its a gift.

you dont sound spoilt at all hun. if its something personal they are offering to pay for like christening dresses and wedding stationery it should be up to you to choose but take on board their opinions.

hope that makes sense!! the long of the short is i agree with your way of thinking!!
xx

I think that if they offer to pay for something for you, and have seen something that they like, then the decent thing to do is to ask if you like it too, as you're the one who will be using it. If a certain item is mentioned, then I'd say, 'Oh, I've seen one of them that I like and we were going to buy, it's in shop x, if you want to get us that it would be great, thanks'.

Sorry if this isn't much help as you're situation is a bit different.

I wouldn't like the decision being taken out of my hands for the type of important purchases you've described. x

n22 id be happy with choice. with the chroistening dress i bought the one we liked, after going to the market stall where mil had seen a damaged one going cheep. hubby told her we bought the one we saw as it was lovely, so she then gave him the cash for it. but when i showed it her originally she ignored it!

if someone buys you a gift, ie clothing etc, id be grateful, but key things i think should be down to us. like bedroom furniture or prams. i once read on confettin a girls gran said shed pay for her weding dress, but she was going to pay ??500. she was not allowed to get a dress for for than ??500 and add her own money either, as her gran said she wouldnt giver her the money if she did that. the dress had to cost less than ??500.

It's always tricky this!!

Personally, I think that if someone is spending their money then (to a degree) they should be allowed some input into the item, if they want, - that is NOT to say that you should be rail-roaded into having stuff that you really don't want though!! I know a lot of people disagree with that view but at the end of the day she probably wants to get what she feels is value for money and she is only trying to do what she thinks is best for you.

I would say take the time to listen to why she thinks a particular item is so good - you never know she might make some valid points you've not thought of. But equally you need to explain why what you want is so good too. All being well, she'll feel validated that you considered her thoughts and you'll be able to gently persuade her to buy what you want. If she really won't budge then why not say "well, I'll buy that item because I don't want you to spend your money on something you're not happy on but how about we go and look at x for you to buy instead?"

hi, interesting topic, i think if they really want to buy/contribute something then it should be to ur taste/needs, although within a set budget, iyswim? i don't like when people say they want to buy, u choose and then they say its too much, they should give the budget first so u know what ur dealing with, and then know if u can/need to top it up urself. my mum has a habit of offering to pay for things, but, it will eb what she thinks is best and always the cheapest possible version she can find, and 9 times out of ten its soemthing completely useless. my MIL bought us our double pram, the pram we wanted for the money she could afford, now my mum reckons it's too big for her boot (even though its smaller than ds's single, which always fit just fine???, basically she's got the a*se cos she feels out done by MIL) so she wants to buy a cheap double side by side stroller so that when the new baby arrives we can all go out in her car...now one, we already have a perfectly good pram that fits in her boot-she's just being stubborn, two, i'm not putting a newborn in an umbrella fold stroller, the whole reason we got the pram we have is because she will be going in a carrycot, a must for me, three, we can't all fit in her acr anyway, she has a 5 seat fiat stilo, her+herOH+me+OH, plus 2 kids = 6 people, 2 of which will be in bulky carseats, and four, in tha last 17months since ds was born we've all gone out a total of ONCE. i acn't see why she can't buy/chip into something thats actually useful to us rather than buying tat that we don't need or want. ie, we really want a crib for this lo so she can reach sixmonths and hoepfully be sleeping through before she needs to share with ds, so my mum has been on the look out for a second hand swinging crib, now i don't ahve a problem with second hand, but we don't want a swinging one, her moses doesn't swing and neither oes her cot, so to us it woudln't make sense to ahve a swinging one, especially as we managed without rocking ds, and a stationary one new is the same price as all the swinging ones she's been looking at, so why can't she just buy the one we want, it's no more money? typical of her though, she bought us a change table with ds, i always said i didn't one, but she ignored me, so now we have a change table takling up room that we don't really have just to keep her happy, even with an em c sec its been used all of about 3 times...i've tried talking to her nicely about it, just mentioning that could she please consult with us before buying anything as there are things we have our eye on and we knwo what we wnat and if she really wants to contribute it would be handy if it actually was on siomething that would be handy for us/somehting we need, but all i egt in repsonse is 'well i just won't bother at all then'...argh, and then two weeks later she starts again. any tips??? oh and ds has a cotbed at my mums that we bought when we were expecting him, but then she bought us a cot, because its better? not sure how as he still now needs to go into the cotbed as the cot is getting a bit short, but now i keep asking can she bring round the cotbed so we can sort out his room and get him used to having his new cotbed and having his soon to be sister's cot in there etc well before she arrives, she keeps making lame excuses and then says she's been looking for a toddler bed for him...he'll only be 20months when dd arrives so will most likely still need the sides up, why does she need to buy him a toddler bed, when we've got a pefrectly good cotbed for him? why, why , why?

sorry for the rant, was only going to be a quick response but got a bit carried away lol.

Sorry if it didn't come across but I do agree with you. I've had a couple of decisions taken out of my hands regarding baby and I've felt like I've not been able to say anything about it. Not to do with in laws, mainly my husband going out and buying things / decorating the nursery (to surprise me) without asking for my input. I haven't said anything to him because it's great that he's so excited, it's just not totally what I would have gone for.

I definitely think that you should make the decisions about the key items. x

oh yeh N22, my OH is a little bti of a cuprit too, alhtough he's only done it once, it was a bigt once, OH, BIL and MIL wnet out one day and came back with anew sofa for us...a fecking sofa!!!! now i definately would've liked some input in that! and the first i knew of it was when it got delivered, they thought it would bea nice surprise! x

n22 i know what you meant!!

wow baby we have a space saver cot from kiddicare which is smaller than a normal cot and fits right next to my bed. it will see us through to 6 months no probs.

we were in the exact same situation when pregnant, my mum wrote me a cheque for the buggy we wanted and MIL came with us to pick a cot bed and handed over the money herself, this was something we wanted to do together, she only wanted to buy it when she found out my mum had bought the buggy :roll:

i think that if you are buying a present it should be a surprise ie no input however if it is an offer towards a large/ special item then i think its only right to let the person pick or not to offer the help,

you might remembered my post about the MIL getting a chair for LO, myself i think this is out of order as i would not buy furniture for someone else, it turned out to be a tacky plastic chair that would not be safe to use until he was 2/3 years old so its in the garage somewhere and will eventually end up in the tip!

Hi,

Just reading through all these posts and wanted to add my own little rant!

My MIL is fine, and has said when we see something we want to let her know and she will get it for us (although since she said that she's just brought us a new sofa so we're not expecting anything from the inlaws towards baby now!) but my mother on the other hand...... Bearing in mind I'm only just past 20 weeks, when we were last visiting our home town we went to my mum's where she wanted to show us some things she had got for baby. Well, it wasn't some things it was everything! Seriously, moses baskets, high chairs (which we don't even need for a year from now!), prams, push chairs, carriers, clothes, mobiles, changing tables, blankets, toys, sterilisers, The list goes on... The icing on the cake was she had even brought everything and packed (!) my hospital bag!!!! (I'll remind you all I'm only 20 +3!)

Whilst we are grateful for everything and it saves us a lot of money we basically haven't had a choice in a single thing for the baby! My dad had a chat with mum (they're seperated but on good terms) and gently suggested she may be taking over and to her credit she let us pick what we liked/wanted and said she would take the rest of the stuff back but I felt really guilty as I know it's only because she's so excitied and she doesn't realise she's taking over so we had to make a big fuss over the things we did like/keep (which to be fair are fine). We've since chosen our own pram and I have said a definate no-no about the whole hospital bag thing - it's something I want to do myself - and anyway I'm planning a home birth so hopefully it won't be needed!

I'm just dreading what she'll be like once baby is here, at least I live 200 miles away so ahve a bit of distance!

It's difficult because I don't think they mean to take over and can only see that they are helping you out or taking stress away from us but I fully agree how annoying it is and wish my mum would take a step back!

xx

you still need a bag for a hb. either to have everything in one place for your hubby to fund easily, or if you are sent in. so, since you ar at home, no real harm in keeoing hers and just adding to it!

I think a present should be a present - it shouldn't come with any emotional blackmail. I find it mindboggling that some people find it difficult to understand why its inappropriate to place such pressure on their relatives at a time that should be happy-go-lucky.

I can see why you've got annoyed, and really wouldn't like being bought something that I had no say in, but on the other hand I believe that if someone is offering to pay for something big ie cot/pram you should allow them to be involved in choosing it.

My MIL offered to buy our cot, so when it came to shopping for it we took her along and let her help choose. Only seemed right, but no way would I have let her choose outright

offer an opinion, yes. saying no to the one you like and pushing you towards one you dont like, no.

what do you mean exactly by beng involved?

if you're not happy having things chosen for you, which i wouldnt be really either, then just decline the offer?? Id rather pay for it myself TBH.

4fab.x

thats what we did. i was just asking what other people thought, it's no longer a issue for us. was just looking for a discussion!

My Mum has suggested that she and my dad want to buy us a pram and she has already seen one! I was very nice, smiled and told a little fib. I said 'Thanks so much, but I've already put a deposit down on one!' If you really want to contribute that would be really kind!' :lol: I don't even know what I want yet!! :lol:

Try the 'deposit' fib!! xxx