Pregnancy & Birth Clubs <
12/05/2013 at 14:54
I'm only 39 weeks today and my Mum is driving me crazy ringing me at least once a day to check if I'm in labour She doesn't even know I had a show nearly two weeks ago or that I have a sweep tomorrow - thank Goodness, but today rang me THREE times in 2 hours and it's really starting to p*ss me off.
I didn't answer today because the first time I was out having a walk, and the second two watching something with H, and TBH, am feeling quite fed up of talking to her so much, and feeling so tied to my phone, I want to chill out, not be completely focussed on going into labour, something she really isn't helping with.
I rang her back and, for the first time, said in a nice way I was starting to feel a bit bombarded by her, and that firstly, I'm not even due for another week, and secondly, it could be three weeks until baby comes, and I really don't think I can cope with these calls for all that time. She just kept saying though that if I had a daughter I'd feel the same, and she just wanted my assurance that I would ring her when I go into labour so she can pray for me. I've said from quite early on that I don't imagine I'll want to call anyone, I just want to get on with having a baby! Plus, if labour is some three day marathon, I don't want her worrying and fretting, would much rather ring when all is good and well and baby is hopefully here safely. Lastly, for me personally, having our baby is just about H and I, I don't really want any involvement from family - it's taken us a long, long time to make this little bambino and I would much rather giving birth was our thing, without thinking in the back of my head that my Mum will be worrying about me, or that H should update her or whatever.
I don't know if I'm BU? But even if I am, I'm not really willing to shift on that, and do feel I should be doing what I feel comfortable with because this is about me, not her if that makes sense. But obviously I don't want to hurt her feelings - though suspect after today I have, despite saying it as gently and nicely as possible. Is there anything I can do or say to make it less awkward or to help her understand? Or is it best left alone, hoping that she will understand and not feel too shut out?
from a stressed out not even due yet Lamby!
12/05/2013 at 15:04
I don't think you're BU at all, that would totally drive me nuts as well!!! That said I'm now living with my mum so if I'm still here towards the end I suppose I should be prepared for questioning every 5 minutes.
Is there anything you could do to make her feel a bit involved without specifically involving her in the birth??? Of course it's about you and your H but mums sometimes just don't understand that, just thought maybe if there was something small you could ask her to sort for you it might appease her a little bit??
12/05/2013 at 15:10
Poor you lamby... I don't think your being unreasonable at all. No advice either really apart from talking to her as you have done already.
Our phone is red hot here too. In laws called this morning even though they are away for the weekend and wouldn't normally. My parents only live round the corner so I think the in laws think they are going to miss out or that we wouldn't call and tell them. I've got a friend too who keeps saying she wants me to call her when I go into labour no matter what time of day or night it is! Keeps trying to make me promise I will!
So anyway... I feel your pain x
12/05/2013 at 15:25
I don't think you're being unreasonable, not at all. I think you've done the right thing in telling her so because a 39w pregnant lady doesn't need to be getting stressed, and even moreso, if you did go overdue an overdue lady doesn't need to be asked THE question.
However, this is about her too, she is about to become a grandmother, and more than that, her baby (you) is about to have a baby - I can see why they do it when I look rationally but I still think, and stand by your comment - the birth is something for you and for H and that was very much our approach.
Personally, I think it's a little harsh to say you won't ring her when you're in labour - I think if you agreed that would stop the calling so much.. I'm not saying that you then have to actually ring (though maybe that's mean of me to even suggest), but by telling her you won't, you fuel the panic that she won't know when it happens.. So then you not answering makes her panic something is wrong etc. With any luck you'll have a lovely labour, your H will be seriously awesome and your mom won't ever need to know.. But if it's three days, are you seriously going to not answer and leave her worrying all that time?
Also, you don't know how you'll feel at the time - Both me and my best friend were absolutely adamant that we were not going to have our parents there, nor would we ring them to tell them. My friend however was on the phone to her mom begging her to book time off work and come to her, after 10 hours in early labour. I stuck to my guns - but I did ring and tell them my waters had gone, that we were fine etc - they wished us luck and we explained that the phone would be off till we checked in again, so not to call - that worked well for me as I didn't feel put-upon (Until it got to hour 40 when mom hadn't heard from us all day and so showed up at the hospital in an absolute panic, she was literally in tears at the thought as to what possibly could have happened to me, and honestly, although I, not selfishly I don't think, wanted this to be about me and H, I had to keep saying to myself no, it impacted her too).
So, I feel your pain, and my advice is.. Agree to what you need to agree to, but remember you can do your own thing anyway, but also don't cut off your nose to spite your face - as I say, what you think you want/need may not be the case when it happens. Either way, fingers crossed you're not kept waiting too long.
12/05/2013 at 18:59
I agree with LM - you have to do what you want but it is a massive thing for your mum too - just be straight with her and maybe if she knows you will call when in labour she not bother you so much in the run up to it! xx
12/05/2013 at 19:12
I could have written the exact same post and can send many sympathetic hugs but sadly no advice xx
12/05/2013 at 21:40
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, that would really wind me up. Tbh to me, labour and birth is an intimate thing between a couple and not something to be shared with family so I can totally understand where you are coming from.
In your situation I would lie to her, tell your mum that you have thought about it and realise how worried she must be and so therefore you will ring her when you go in to labour .... and just forget to. I will bet you any money that she will be so overjoyed meeting her grandchild that bit will be forgotten.
13/05/2013 at 06:54
I know how you feel, mum was exactly the same. I just got to the point where I said I'd ring her when things properly got going, and made out that it'd be ridiculous for me not to do that and did she really think i was the kind of person to cut her out...have faith woman that i stand by my word!
Honestly though it was afterwards once we were home that was worse. She would call once or twice every single day for the first 2 weeks or so, and when i was having a bad day(which was for most of that time) it was the last thing i needed. I didn't handle that very well and ended up snapping at her to leave me be
13/05/2013 at 12:10
Thanks all. Bexy and Tweetie Pie, I'm sorry you have been suffering / struggling too!
LM and Willow, I do understand what you're saying and know it is a big deal for her. I think perhaps even more so as she was my sisters birthing partner for her first two as she was very young and on her own. My situation is very different, and this was 16 years ago, but I guess she is used to being a lot more involved.
I know I can't say for sure but I really don't think I will change my mind about how I feel in sharing about us being in labour. I guess it's down to personality as I was exactly the same with the IVF, I just didn't want anyone knowing any details, approximate dates etc. of the op and things as I really didn't want the pressure of updating anyone. Something I'm SO glad about as when it did all go t*ts up post op, H and I were just able to retreat and deal with it ourselves, without feeling any obligation to talk about it with others.
And though I can totally get your Mum's position LM in panicking after 40 hours, that is exactly what I was trying to say about not wanting to worry her. Say I start in early labour and let her know, then things stop, start again, etc. or like you, my waters break, but labour takes a while, she's going to be fretting, whereas if she doesn't know for sure she won't be as panicked; and equally I don't need to worry about anyone else but baby and I, which I think is fair enough really.
I should have said I had previously 'compromised' and said I'd ring her depending on the situation, e.g. not in the middle of the night, or if things happened quickly etc. I still had no intention of doing so but hoped it would pacify her - clearly, it didn't so I will ring her later and take your advice Jelly Baby, as yes, I really hope she won't be stroppy once baby arrives. If she is she'll just have to get over it!
Thanks again, and I can now see after sleeping on it and reading this, there is probably / definitely an element of 'The Ar*e' somewhere in there so I should probably acknowledge that!
PS - Nenas - Thanks for the warning about post birth - hadn't even thought of that Unless I'm begging for her to come over daily (never say never) I think I'll turn my phone off! It must have been awful when you were trying to sleep in the day etc. too.
13/05/2013 at 12:33
How about as I compromise if she agrees to stop ringing you , you say you will text her once or twice a day to say everything is fine but nothing is happening. That way she has peace of mind and you don't have to speak to her.
As for calling her in labour I agree with you. I didn't want anyone knowing as I didn't want that pressure, and its also a very intimate and special time between you and H.
Tell her you will call her when you are in labour, but then don't. You can tell her after that early in you were unsure if it was a false alarm, and then once contractions got stronger etc you just totally forgot.
Also tell her that you are planning on making the most of your last days of freedom and will be out of the house having your hair done, pedicure, shops, going for a walk etc so its best she doesn't call you as she will only worry if she can't get hold of you and so its better if you just text her ( that way too when you are actually in labour and don't answer she will hopefully just think you are out shopping or something)
If you are having your sweep and hoping things might be about to happen in the next few days, perhaps drop into conversation that you have loads planned this week and will barely be at home so it will hopefully delay her jumping to the conclusion you're in labour if she can't get hold of you.
13/05/2013 at 12:34
Omg I also agree with Nenas. I'm still getting the calls every single day mind you hs mom was always like that.
See that completely backfired here as the second E was dragged out my h was asked to go tell my mom as the midwife had commented "oh so they didn't ring and tell you that happened". That to me was the most precious time. Es first minutes. And h was burdened with that.
However I totally would do what you say.. Then you can play it by ear as and when x
13/05/2013 at 12:35
We also did what jelly tot said (we did have lots on).x
13/05/2013 at 12:41
Thanks ladies, that is good advice JT! Going to ring her in a mo.
LM - Aw that must have been difficult on you and H, and I totally see what you mean - these things are so hard to predict and I can't say of course how she will react for sure in that situation.
She's so lovely and I hate slating her / sounding petty. I just wish she would back off the tiniest bit, as I want her to be involved and enjoy being a grandma, she just really has got too much lately!
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