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11/11/2013 at 10:04
Sorry for the woe is me post but I really feel like I'm struggling at the moment and just needed to get it all out.
If you haven't seen any of my previous posts, A who is 9 weeks has recently been diagnosed with reflux and we are currently in the process of trying to sort her out with a paediatrician.
Because of the reflux I find it really hard her read her cues - she cries most of the time hiring finding it hard to differentiate. I can only tell when she's hungry cause she does this little head butt thing but all the other times its just guess work. I've tried doing the 2 hour rule for her sleeping but she sleeps so fitfully she'll either have 10-20 minutes in her crib if I can get her settled otherwise she's sleeping on me but either way she's constantly waking, stirring, crying out and writhing around. Also if I have to put her sling because she won't settle she'll sometimes doze in there whether she's just has a sleep or not so I can never work out when she's due a sleep next.
I tend to feed her on demand so there's no routine there either. She doesn't like to be put down much whereas my first was quite happy to sit in her bouncy chair or lie on her play mat for 10 minutes and watch the world go by.
And speaking of my eldest, I feel the poor thing is being abandoned as A demands so much of my attention. I've had to resort to putting cbeebies on for her on many occasions and feel so bad for doing so. She's only 16 months old so according to the health visitor shouldn't be watching tv at all. She's also started waking in the night and taking an age to settle and I'm sure it's a cry for my attention. I try to give her as much as I can during the day but its hard when the baby is crying so much.
The house is a state and I'm getting nothing done and I'm starting to get comments off parents about it. I'm constantly stressed out and my husband is getting the brunt of it.
I just feel like I'm failing on all levels. I can't help my little one as I can't do anything to help her reflux, I'm rubbish at working out what she wants and I'm sure I'm creating loads of bad habits with her. My poor eldest is being raises by the tv when all she wants is her mummy and i'm a rubbish wife as well.
Sorry for boring you with this, I just needed to vent. No need to reply. Thank you if you managed to get through this - it was a bit stop/start writing it as I was doing it in between everything else.
11/11/2013 at 10:13
I've not replied to your previous posts but wanted to send a hug as you sound so down. I've no experience of reflux so can't offer any advice there but do keep pushing and making a nuisance of yourself to make sure you get the help you need.
Try not to worry about your toddler watching tv, it won't kill her despite what the HV says - at the moment, I'd do whatever helps you all to get through the day. Use the sling if it means you get some time with your eldest while the baby settles and I really wouldn't worry about knowing when she's due a sleep, I'd just make sure she's settled and happy. She's still only tiny and there's tons of time yet for sleeping patterns - my 13 week old still has no pattern to her sleeps, she's been asleep for an hour and a half now despite not sleeping at this time for over a week! Feeding on demand is the way forward too, in fact I'd ditch any thought of routines at this age altogether.
Ignore your parents - do the bare minimum of housework that you need to and make sure your H helps when he's there by doing the housework himself or taking the baby to give you a break. And if the parents comment, I'd suggest they either come and help or shut up.
Forget bad habits - the best advice I have ever heard is to do what works until it stops working, then do something else.
Hope things improve soon and keep talking. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself - you are doing a great job in difficult circumstances and your daughters love you for it x
11/11/2013 at 10:26
Again, I have no advice regarding the reflux. S has it but thankfully gaviscon is helping him but I was well prepared to make a fuss with referrals etc if it hadn't. Keep persisting with it to make sure you get the treatment she needs.
I'm sure some tv won't harm your other little one, you do what you need to do to cope and definitely don't worry about the housework. Margot puts it brilliantly, if parents aren't prepared to muck in they can shut up!
Hugs to you lovely, I hope you get her reflux sorted and things start to improve for you xxx
11/11/2013 at 11:19
Oh you poor things!
MamaD your little one is 9 weeks, we had no reflux problems and at that age we had no routine either! I really wouldn't worry about when her next sleep is going to be. Leave her in the sling if that helps, there's nothing wrong with her sleeping in there. Are you BFing? If so you can even do that while she's in the sling.
Personally I think it's awful you're getting comments about the state of your house, you have children and one is 9 weeks old!! - they should be offering support in the form of coming round and helping you out, not nasty comments. That's truly appalling.
My A wouldn't be put down either and at 10 months still won't. I hear of these babies who happily sit and play for up to an hour or more... I'm lucky to get 10 minutes out of mine before he's crawling up to me whinging to be carried. I find it knackering and I don't even have an older child to entertain. CBeebies won't kill her while you get things sorted.
Good luck, I hope things improve soon xxx
11/11/2013 at 11:33
9 weeks is nothing - you are not creating bad habits you are trying to help a baby who is new to the world and thanks to reflux is having trouble settling.
You have so many months and years ahead with both children, don't feel bad if things are not quite going to plan at the moment. They will improve over time and you'll feel more in control again eventually.
Don't worry about the tv - if it gives you a bit of time then use it. It won't be forever, but if it helps you to get through the day then use it for that. No parent is ever going to be able to give their children the total amount of attention that they feel they should - there aren't enough hours in the day to get everything done.
And if your parents are complaining about the house, ask for help. Or could they take your oldest for a few hours to give you a bit more space with the younger child?
11/11/2013 at 11:55
Thank you all. I just feel so bound to what I ought to be doing and that I'm not living up to it. I feel like I'm not giving either of my girls what they need at the moment. If I give one a bit of attention, i feel guilty for the other. My eldest would only sleep whilst being held for the first 3 months and everyone told me you couldn't spoil a newborn - then I had a horrendous week where I had to teach her to settle in her crib. And whilst i never left her side or stopped touching her until she was asleep, I think I cried more than she did. I'm really scared of having to go through that again - the crying from the reflux is breaking my heart as it is.
11/11/2013 at 14:14
Both mine have had reflux. It's hell. No 1 was the worst for me. He slept on me or in a bouncy chair and no where else. Will she sleep in a chair? Don't worry about routines etc. that can come later. Someone did say to me I was possibly over feeding which exacerbated the reflux, and I think they may have been right to an extent. The sling was my saviour.
As for your eldest. Tv is a reality, your HV clearly hasn't managed 2 before! Can you take her to a small soft play or somewhere where she can play without needing your help? Or the park? Or out for a walk somewhere?
I hope you get the reflux under control soon
11/11/2013 at 17:28
Thank you all, you've made me feel a bit better and not like I'm the worst mum in the world!
WH, does it get any easier?
11/11/2013 at 20:52
You are far from the worst mother in the world. What you just described was me a few years back. 18 month old plus newborn with reflux that wanted to feed all night and never be put down.
I had L in the sling pretty much constantly. It kept him upright which helped the reflux plus I had my hands for A then.
Will the baby sleep in the moving pram? I found going a walk with them both every day was a life saver. L would not off and A was happy collecting stones/leaves etc. we all felt better after the fresh air. I was then sometimes able to leave L asleep outside while I ran round and did a quick tidy, put dinner on or got A down for a nap.
11/11/2013 at 22:02
I could (and did!) have written this post myself word for word. Firstly have a huge internet weirdy hug. Secondly you are doing an amazing job. You really are. Bringing up 2 kids is bloody hard and a baby with reflux can be incredibly hard to cope with. P used to cry all day and sleep for 10 mins here and there. We are now out the other side and life's good. Do what you need to do to get through each day. This is a relatively short phase and your eldest child watching tv is fine right now! It wont be forever. I did play things with my eldest one handed when i fed P. Things like colouring and fuzzy felts. Oh and sod the housework. Maybe rather than making nasty comments people should be supporting you and trying to help?! Any "habits" you get into can be fixed when things are calmer. Do whatever you need to do right now.
I found myself feeding P almost constantly as she cried whenever i wasnt breastfeefing her. Then her reflux got worse as she was too full and it was a vicious circle.
My top advice would be get tough with your GP. Tell them how bad things are and that you need a referral NOW. Are you on meds or anything at the moment?
Hang in there. This will get better i promise xxx
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