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27/07/2013 at 13:11
I don't know how much of what I'm feeling is normal for having 2 under 2 or when it tips over into PND. It's just so hard. C is a total kamikaze, just ignores me when I try to discipline her, is going through a bit of a biting stage (gently, mostly, and mostly for attention) and is generally a bit of a whirlwind. O is a lovely little baby, I am so lucky, but has to spend lots of time in his swing chair as on the days C is home, it's where he's safest. He also won't sleep anywhere else but there or on me. I think he s also going through a bit of a growth spurt so is increasingly demanding.
h is working extra hours over the summer hols as we need the cash. Last weekend he was out all Saturday at a football match so I looked after the kids on my own and took them out all day with my sis. Had a lovely time but still, it's pretty effing tiring looking after the 2 of them all day as their primary carer. Last night he came home really late and I'd had a frigging awful bedtime - C was hysterical at points, O was hungry but I just had to ignore him as his sis was kicking off. We were all sobbing at one point. h got in at 9pm after getting his tattoos done - I did know he was doing this but had no idea he would be as late and I hadn't eaten.
This morning I've had a bit of a breakdown. Took C down for breakfast as H slept in a little - fine. Went back upstairs to get O when he woke - fine. But then o wanted feeding at the same time c wanted to play - even with the TV on she wanted to climb all over me while I was feeding, then hit us both (so all books confiscated - she was warned) once o had finished I put him back in the swing chair to give c some attention but instead all she wanted to do was hit or climb over me, o then started screaming for more food. H came down, turned laptop on, gave C some more food and half heartedly disciplined C (saying no, she couldn't have more sandwich, she needed to sit down if she wanted more, but not carrying through on his threats) then went upstairs for a shower leaving me with both of them on my own again. They both start screaming, I start sobbing hysterically.
h was going to take C out for a few hours, but I have literally foisted O onto him too, along with a bottle. I don't care if he normally has a breastfeed at this point in the day. This is the first time H has had them both for longer than half a hour.
i am just so tearful. I want to cry most of the times i have them both. If I have O on his own, I'm fine though. I find myself wanting to throw plates or glasses at the wall to take out my frustration but it devastates me when I think how much they would be scared if I ever did this. I wouldn't ever, EVER, hurt the kids but I do want to scream into a pillow to let it out. I wish my H would think to just take them out on his own without me having to ASK him to take O, or thinking he's doing me a favour by taking them both - he's their father, he can and should be able to look after the 2 of them without someone having a meltdown! I'm increasingly thinking I might go back to work early as I'm a sh1t mum full time. At least when I'm at work I've got an excuse for being rubbish.
i can't remember a time my life soundtrack wasn't either kids screaming or peppa effing pig, and I can't remember a time when I could just sit on a sofa without having to fend off a climbing child or look after a sleeping or feeding baby on my lap.
sorry like I say this is a brain dump - reading back it's all very rambly and I think most of it is related to having 2 under 2 rather than anything more underlying, but have had increasing thoughts it might be PND.
no idea. Sorry
27/07/2013 at 13:43
Oh hun i am so sorry you are feeling this way - massive hugs. I was reading through your post agreeing with almost everything you have said and G is 4 so it must be even harder for you but i feel very similar to you. On Monday the only time P wasnt crying was when she was feeding, it was too hot to go out and G was bored. At one point i shouted at P to stop crying and then felt like the worst mum in the world and cried hysterically. Its sooooo much harder with 2 than i ever imagined and i too have thought about going back to work early so you are not alone.
Can you ask your H for more support? I did and he cleaned the house this morning and has taken G out.
I find some days are fab but other days are cr@p and what i call "dark".
I scored medium on the PND scale so they are keeping an eye on me but having been depressed before i dont think i have it. However if you feel this way a lot it might be worth a chat to your HV so they can assess you.
Remember i am down the road if you need a chat. Could do a Bluewater meet and G and C can entertain each other while we chat/cry!!
Keep talking to us hun xx
27/07/2013 at 15:21
I'm sorry your feeling this way. Do try and talk to your H. It sounds as if you need a break and some you time. I was diagnosed with pnd with D almost 18mths ago and still struggling but I went to my gp who has been fantastic. I'm having counselling and on meds. Its not the route for everyone but hopefully your hv can help. Just to say I went to gp as my hv is useless and I could never see her.
27/07/2013 at 15:36
I'm sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Atm I could have written exactly the same but I've only one, literally am miserable, E barely stops screaming, H has been away for another 5 weeks but now is back and doesn't see my need for a break. Even a shower alone ends up in "let's go see what mommy is doing"... That said I'm not sure if its normal or not. I too this week told H I was ready to return to work despite me then being up all night last night horrified at the thought of leaving her. I know that probably isn't much help but i also know it's a phase here bought on by all out exhaustion. E has been very ill for three weeks and I'm struggling, but I'm certain it'll pass when E comes out of this phase.
27/07/2013 at 15:42
I just wanted to give you a hug and say I only have one and I was nodding along with everything you've written, no idea at all how I'd go on with two as i find some days with E exceptionally demanding and feel like I'm doing a rubbish job. From everyone I've spoken to it seems we all feel like this along the way, being a Mummy is such hard work and you just have to let it out sometimes. So many times H has said to me "why didn't you tell me what you wanted me to do?" and we've talked about it and it's heled. I think men are just wired so differently we have to spell everything out to them and say "i need you to do this!". The amount of arguments we've had since having E when I've bottled stuff up and should've st said soemthing instead of reaching breaking/shouting point!
Hope you've been able to relax this afternoon xx
27/07/2013 at 15:48
27/07/2013 at 16:39
BW a big hug for you. As you know I have a similar age gap between my youngest 2. I found 18 months-2yers a difficult time with my C (o arrived when C was 17.5 months).....just realised mine too are C& O! C was frustrated in not being able to full express himself due to not having the full language skills. I did find it got easier when C hit 2. I do most of the childcare myself it is very tiring at times. O is now nearly 17.5 months and of course is in to everything and laughs t me when I say no! He often thinks it is a funny game. Out of all of my 3 O has been the worst sleeper. I ended up co sleeping with him for about 8 months. I needed my sleep to get through the day with the others. I also realised I wasn't able to climb mountains and although I did do activities with them I also knew I wasn't super mum.
When I have bad days I always say to myself tomorrow is another day....it is nearly bedtime.
27/07/2013 at 18:45
Oh lovely, firstly have a big hug.
I found 18m - 2yrs hard with A. And that was with only one. It's got so much easier since he's been two and his ability to communicate with me has increased 10 fold. (I know he's been a bit of a monkey the last 2 times you've seen him though)
This is probably little comfort given C is still a little way a way from being 2, but it's normal for them to be difficult at this age IME.
Wrt to it being PND or not it's not for us to be able to say. From speaking to 2 friends who have had it though, their symptoms were much more 'irrational' than yours sound, but if you're concerned it's always going to be best to speak to someone (HV/GP) sooner rather than later.
I think you need to speak to your H too. Tell me if I'm speaking out of turn here, are you worried about putting any extra pressure on him due to his illness?
1 under 2 can be bloody hard work, and O is still fairly new so it probably will take a while for you all to adjust. You're only human.
27/07/2013 at 19:41
Big big hugs. Having had PND after S I would define it as a feelings where you are crying almost every day, and the way you are feeling (hopelessness, helplessness, flattening of emption) is negatively impacting the choices you are making about where to go, what to do etc. There is a test called the Edinburgh test that your HV/GP will give you - it can be found online too.
Basically, WBGS. We can't say if you are or aren't. I would suggest from what you've said that you are definitely exhausted, dealing with two children, and maybe not being supported in some ways that you could expect to be. xxx
27/07/2013 at 20:49
Another one sat here nodding through your post. Well you saw me out with my two the other week!! I bet you haven't got a breast pad stuck to your leg
I is 2yrs1month and whoever has S she wants attention from and is all over me demanding cuddles when she used to hate them!!
I had pnd after I and basically wanted to send her back, I refused to sleep in the same room as her, didn't want any harm to come to her but just wanted to be left alone in bed (H used to virtually drag me out in the morning) and for her to be gone. I was even jealous of H giving her attention. I had injured my shoulder giving birth which put me in a bad place which all contributed.
Best to speak to your GP and do the test but I am hoping it is JUST having 2 under 2. I realised since number two was born I have been in the house on my own for 1 hour when H took them both out. I relished it then S was back and needed feeding!! I do disappear upstairs to tidy / make beds or just have 5 minutes and leave them with H which helps but I know I am still there if S needs feeding.
It is relentless and bf'ing makes it harder as you do have to be close by. Big hugs and keep the mantra, this too shall pass.
How long did the silence last earlier btw? My two seem to be tag teaming sleep atm...
27/07/2013 at 21:48
Thanks all for your replies, it makes me feel better to know that there are lots of others feeling or going through similar, though I'm sorry you are.
Maisie, sounds like our situations are remarkably similar. I've shouted at C too, really shouted, and I felt *aeful* afterwards. She's only tiny, I need to be able to control my emotions. Are you on the FB group? I might try and find you.
Daisy, some me time is exactly it. I do need it. Sorry you are having a tough time too
LM, your H sounds a bit like mine. He's not proactive in looking after the kids sometimes. He's great at looking after C, but I often need to remind him as to what he needs to take with him. He's fine at looking after O, but because he is being breastfed it's much harder logistically.
Estrellita, he has asked me why I'm so upset today. I've found it hard to articulate exactly why I'm feeling like I am. I just end up crying.
MM, he's actually pretty great. He's done loads of washing this afternoon and some washing up. He's put me to shame actually. I do have family locally too, they are good too, but I try not to leave the kids with them too often, I don't want to feel like I am palming them off.
Mossy, thanks, I had forgotten you have a similar age gap (and the c&o thing!) I'm pretty lucky in that o is actually quite a good sleeper, but it still doesn't stop me being so tired.
BG, thanks sweetie. I do worry about C's health, and I worry that him doing too much will result in him relapsing, which we just cannot afford at the moment as he starts a new permanent job in September. C's pretty good at expressing herself for 21mo but imagine she gets frustrated at the attention o gets. Am hoping that this will wear off eventually - PLEASE GOD. And a hasn't been a monkey either!
Madonna, thanks, I knew there was a questionnaire somewhere. I looked it up and scored over 10 which is apparently where they start to consider there might be a problem, but the feelings that you have described aren't ones I identify with, thank goodness (though I'm sorry you ever did). If its just the 3 of us, I try to get us all out of the house, even just to bluewater, so I guess the way I'm feeling isn't impacting that way. I don't feel like that when I'm out and about.
VE, sorry you felt that way after I was born. I don't feel that way about c or o. Your comments about I and wanting attention sound so familiar to me! The silence lasted for hours thank goodness, C took both of them to bluewater while I fell asleep! C was asleep when I woke up, I eventually had to wake her at half 5...
I really appreciate you all responding - sounds like this is much more 2 under 2 than anything else which makes me feel a bit better. Part of me needs to just man up I suppose. H has suggested that he takes C up to Scotland to see his family for a few days and leave O with me. Part of me sees his rationale - he gets a few nice days away seeing his family, C gets to spend some time in Scotland with her rellies there and some quality time with her dad, I get my child workload (!) halved, O gets lots of special attention. But I will miss her terribly and almost don't want him to take her.
Thanks for letting me vent here x
27/07/2013 at 22:15
I don't really have advice as such except I'd encourage you to keep talking/nagging/crying to your H until he realises what bloody hard work it is, and you need a break now and then. Are you sleeping ok? Sleep makes a hell of a difference to feeling on the edge or not.
And fwiw you are doing an AMAZING job. You should know that. I struggle with one, I have no idea how people deal with 2 smallies. ( . )( . ) <<<< a big booby hug
27/07/2013 at 23:22
I don't f u c k ing believe it. H has 'told me off' (my words, though he didnt correct me) for shouting at C. He said that we are parenting together and he doesn't like the thought of her being shouted at. I said I couldn't help it but sometimes I just lost my temper. I explained that I hated it too. Then he said well you'll just need to try harder to bite your tongue then. I responded that its pretty hard to bite my tongue when I'm the one who is stuck to the sofa feeding a 3mo while your 21mo is the one who's biting you.
He hasn't replied.
28/07/2013 at 00:27
Grrr frustrating! Honestly I'd love to see how these perfect husbands would cope with just a WEEK of what we do. Bet he'd soon be swearing then!
28/07/2013 at 00:49
Big hugs babes.
Our age gap is much bigger but I finding times equally as frustrating. I too much better when put of the house. H is happy in the pram or being held (by me or anyone else who wants her!). When I'm at home, I want to put her down and get on with things (housework, play with M, run our business). It's hard work.
Talk to your HV, especially if you've scored over 10. Keep talking to us too.
And don't feel bad for shouting. It's much better than throwing plates! X
28/07/2013 at 07:43
I really feel for you. I couldn't cope with your situation, enough to give anyone pnd I think! The tiredness alone must be a killer. You have to spell it out to your H that he has to do his fair share. I can't imagine any amount of medical intervention is going to do much unless he does.
Can C go to nursery a couple of days at least?
28/07/2013 at 09:29
Ah thats rubbish hun. I really dont think blokes get how bloody hard it is and when you are in that situation every day it really gets on top of you eventually. Yes i am on the FB group. Initials F'W'M x
28/07/2013 at 09:54
Having been thinking about this and I do agree with the others and think it would be worth talking to someone. Hopefully you won't have a HV like mine who after I filled the questionnaire in 'altered' my numbers to give me a lower score! Helpful?! I did at the time have my brother and his family moving to Oz so I think that obscured my view at that point.
Looking at in now with C nearly 3 and O nearly 17.5 months (and A who is 5) life is soooo much easier.
28/07/2013 at 10:48
I'm sorry your feeling like this, I hav no skills to comment on weather it is 2 under 2 or PND symptoms, but to me it doesn't mtter on many levels your tired, frustrated and need some one to talk to who is removed from the situation. Vent here and if you feel like you need something else then try a HV or your GP.
I am shattered looking after disco alone and in awe of all of those with more than one let alone 2 under 2.
I find Hs often fail to see what is needed don't feel bad about asking your H to take the two of them (yes it's rubbish having to ask I hate asking, but sometimes they just don't think as they often see time with little one as playing fun time and don't stop to think what all day every day feels like.
I also think being mummy can be a massive loss of idenity personally I am really struggel with this. There is nothing wrong with wanting to go back to work early or doing a hobby child free a night a week. Just because your mum doesn't mean you can still be you, could you maybe sit down with your H and agreee a night a week tha he is in charge and you can go out to do something for you?
28/07/2013 at 15:08
Only just seen this BW. 2 children are bloody hard and I feel all the things you do even 7 months on. It does get easier- I found it so much better when I stopped BFing as H or someone else could feed M while I played with E, and I can distract M with things now (like the tv oops!) I think your H is being a bit thoughtless when it comes to shouting at C, goodness I shout so much more now from stress! Lots of hugs, hope you're ok xx
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