Pregnancy & Birth Clubs <
14/01/2014 at 13:49
I've not been on here for a long time, though I know some of you from wedding planning etc so just nipping in to say hi and ask a question about when to TTC.
We have been married 17 months and have our own house now. I have been fairly ill last year but am now recovering really well and hopefully should continue to get better. D's job is very secure and he is earning a lot, but my job isn't ideal. I work every weekend and Maternity leave is rubbish. I'm looking at changing jobs/careers at the moment.
I'm becoming increasingly broody though and would really like to think about TTC. I brought it up with D the other day but he sort of brushed over it and wouldn't talk.
Can I have some advice on when you felt ready to TTC, how you decided it was time etc?
14/01/2014 at 15:29
For us it was simple, we weren't getting any younger (married at 38) (ah, yes, and we would never, ever dream of ttc unless married. Each to their own and all that but it's not us). We married Aug 2012 and initially planned to TTC from Jan 13. However, we are both keen mountaineers and were offered the chance of joining an expedition to the Andes in June. Extreme altitude is not safe in pregnancy, so we postponed. We came back at the start of July and started TTC immediately.
14/01/2014 at 15:35
Glad to hear you're feeling better. I think age, jobs, financial security, quality of relationship etc can all be factors. Or some people push on irrespective. There's no right answer :)
It was simple for me, always felt a little sad I only had one (lost one). Met the most wonderful man ever, he had no kids and was open-minded either way, as was I. We decided to get married quickly so we could start trying at 36 and if we struck lucky then great. Really different set of circumstances to you.
14/01/2014 at 15:44
I think you both have to be ready, but there'll never be a 'perfect' time - they'll always be a reason not to. If you're ready then go for it - you never know how long it will take you to conceive after all. Good luck xxx
14/01/2014 at 15:48
What Browny said.
Browny I must have missed your BFP announcement. I'm so pleased for you. Congratulations lovely.
14/01/2014 at 15:50
You definitely both need to ready.
Whilst it could be quick it could be a long and stressful and heartbreaking journey. You definitely both need to want it to get through the tough times (although I hope this wouldn't be the case for you, I'm sure I remember you saying you had PCOS which can, but always go hand in hand with fertility problems).
Also, having a baby is probably the most pressure a couple will face, so again, you both need to want it or your H could resent the situation/you. Having said that, accidents happen all the time and people cope.
There is no harm in getting ready to TTC whilst your H decides he is 100% ready. Track your cycles, get your BMI into the healthy bracket, eat well, start folic acid etc. it is all towards the end goal!
14/01/2014 at 15:54
We are a bit unusual as I think if everything was perfect (health wise) we may have waited a bit longer. However my mum had breast cancer at 33 and the treatment left her infertile. Luckily she already had all the children she wanted. We definitely wanted children and this made us think about TTC whilst I was still in my 20s.
Then I found out we both had issues preventing us from conceiving. Being told you can't conceive, and being on a potential time limit, made us really want to make sure we had our family.
I think we have been very ready (desperate?!!) for the last 2 years, however we had to be patient until we were blessed with a BFP.
14/01/2014 at 15:57
We both always said we wanted a family by the time we were 30. I will be 30 a couple of weeks before the baby is due and OH will be turning 31 a couple of months after so its fitted in with our hopes quite well :)
It started as an interest in having our own family to getting ridiculously broody, upset when people announced pregnancies etc.
I anticipated problems conceiving as I had gynae issues etc when I was younger.
Like you I was in a job that didn't offer many benefits. I wasn't happy and it was very stressful. Plan was to not return from maternity leave but when things began to take a while I decided to jump ship to a new job in the public sector that offers great benefits instead of sitting miserable, waiting for goodness knows how long in a horrible work environment.
Ive been in my new job for just under a year but was entitled to everything offered after my 6 month probation period.
Getting the '2-3 weeks pregnant' on the clear blue the day after boxing day was a massive shock as we were due to start fertility treatment last week but wonderful too. I had an operation for skin cancer in Dec so while its been a massive lift to us both after a stressful and difficult time, I also feel like I've been through a lot emotionally in the past couple of months, too much.
I firmly believe in everything for a reason.
It sounds like your OH doesn't want to discuss it so I would broach it very gently with him and ask him what his ideal family would be, when he would like to have a child by etc. Kinda work backwards instead of the starting point if that makes sense and make him really think about it?
14/01/2014 at 16:17
Browny, I agree there will probably never be a 'perfect' time, but i've just been thinking about how to decide when you're ready to start trying, as much as you can plan these things. I know D isn't ready yet, he is concerned about my health mostly and i'm not pushing him. But I would like to have a conversation with him about time scales but he won't even entertain that much so far. In fact he jokes a lot about not bothering to have kids and its beginning to upset me. I've told him it upsets me but he doesn't seem to listen.
Ducky, you're right. I know we've discussed the PCOS thing before. I don't know if you remember me saying but my weight reduced slightly whilst I was ill and my cycles seem to be a bit more average at the moment because of it. Or it could just be a complete fluke. Thanks again for the advice though, i appreciate it.
Did anyone have specific goals they wanted to reach before trying?
14/01/2014 at 16:32
It definitely isn't fluke! There is loads of research out there that for every 5% of your body weight you lose it really improves your cycles and fertility if you have PCOS (until a point, obviously you don't want to be too slim either!). Well done you!
14/01/2014 at 16:42
I don't think I quite lost 5% and it wasn't with trying. When i was really ill I wasn't eating properly. I've put some of the weight back on now i'm eating a normal diet but it doesn't seem to have affected my cycle this month.
14/01/2014 at 16:50
Just to add, even if your husband won't discuss timings, can you at least find out if he actually wants children now you're thinking about it. I only ask because when I married for the first time ages ago, I asked my ex-H if he would still want children before I agreed to marry him (he was older than me with kids from s previous marriage he didn't see, so I wasn't sure). He said yes, but once we were married and I started talking about trying, he wouldn't talk about it, and eventually after a few months said he was never going to have more children. We split up a year later, not solely due to that, but it was one of many factors. I am in no way saying your situation is anything like that, but if your husband keeps putting it off, it may be worth at least asking the question. IIRC you're still young, so no huge rush. TBH had my now husband and I been 10 yrs younger, we wouldn't have tried for a few years, but we pretty much ended up in the "now or never" camp!
14/01/2014 at 17:03
We'd said for some time that we'd start trying as soon as we got married. We've owned our own house for several years, both in good jobs, had done a lot of travelling etc, so there was really no reason to wait. I was 29 and he was nearly 35 getting married, so whilst by no means over the hill in terms of TTC, I was conscious that, in an ideal world, I would want two by the time I'm 35, so there was really no reason to wait.
14/01/2014 at 17:12
I wanted kids before I was 30 ideally, H wanted them after he was 30. Since he's 3 years younger than me that was never going to work! We both wanted to be married before TTC, and we married when I was 32, so started trying straight away. I've got PCOS too, so wanted to start earlier rather than later as I thought it would take a long time. I lost a couple of stone in the run up to the wedding, and went from a couple of pounds overweight to slap bang in the middle of my bmi range and I have no doubt this helped hugely in getting pregnant.
14/01/2014 at 17:39
We kind of realised that there was no reason not to iykwim. We were married, both in good jobs, had some nice holidays under our belt and owned our own home with most of it redecorated. I think this scared my H a bit that he had nothing stopping him so would sort of gloss over it when I brought it up. I knew he was ready really and needed a gentle shove so in the nicest possible way, I told him to get over it and get me pregnant! I would never have done this if I didn't know he was truly ready deep down and it's not a recommended approach lol! You need to find out if there is anything underlying that is making your H nervous.
Meanwhile, Ducky is right that you can still get your body as ready as possible by tracking ovulation, eating a fertility friendly diet etc. That's what I did and my H knew despite not feeling totally ready and I think it helped him warm to the idea :)
14/01/2014 at 17:45
I think you both need to be ready. It was important for me to have the support of my H and make the decision as a couple.
My goals before TTC were to get married and qualify as a solicitor. In fact I constantly worried about accidentially falling pregnant whilst I was training. I got married and qualified in the same week so after that there was nothing really stopping me although we waited 6 months. There will never be an ideal time in my job and we've put our next house move on hold until I go back to work but I just knew it was the right time for us. Luckily we fell pregnant really quickly but I was prepared to be TTC for a while and factored that in too that I would be perfectly happy plodding on in my current company if it didn't happen for us straight away.
14/01/2014 at 18:48
I've always wanted children but planned to have then when I turned 30. It ended up being later as I met H when I was 27, & we married 4years later. It's taken us 20 months to get here, but we couldn't have changed that so fingers crossed it all goes smoothly from now on. You have to both want it, but I do think sometimes men need a bit more time to get their heads around it.
14/01/2014 at 18:59
For us, timing wasn't perfect (we lived in different towns, H was between jobs, and er...we'd only been together for 3 or 4 months, ha), but a few months after a loss, I had an intense NEED for a baby, and my H was happy to go along with that (after both saying neither of us wanted more when we first met)
After being a single Mum to C, I didn't have the "perfect family" situation in my head, so wasn't bothered about being married or anything before TTC as that wasn't important (to me) Things always have a way of working out.
My H got a job on the day of my 12 week scan, and a house and marriage came after J was born...
14/01/2014 at 19:04
We had a blackout so decided to get down to business, only to discover we had run out of condoms. I said "F*ck it!" and the rest, as they say, is history. We had been together a long time and were a few months away from getting married (I was 10 weeks at the time of my wedding). H and I were both ready to start TTCing, we ended up having an earlier nudge.
14/01/2014 at 19:43
we're still only mid twenties so time is on our side so that aspect isn't a problem. But we've been together 7 years now, married 18 months and i'm getting quite broody. I think that D is partly reluctant just because we are still only mid twenties, only ones of our close friends to be married or even in a relationship, own a house etc. I think he thinks we should wait till some other friends start making similar moves in their lives which i can see his point.
We'll see. I'll talk to him about starting to prepare my body as much as possible, lose some weight, do more exercise and just eat more healthily in general.
thanks for all the advice.
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