Family Life & Relationships <
17/06/2009 at 18:22
20/06/2009 at 22:41
There comes a point when you have to say something.Your MIL is a guest in your house and sheneeds to respect that and respect you and your way of doing things.You can't be made to feel this way.
There's no need to be rude in telling her or hurt her feelings.I would just say something like thankyou for the advice but that's not how I want to do whatever it is.Maybe she's trying to be helpful and it hasn't occurred to her that it could be upsetting.
Mothers and MILs will always have their opinions and there way of doing things,but it doesn't mean it's right.You have to do things the way you want to,this is your baby and your life.You and your DH are the most important people in your baby's life.Confidence will come with time.I'm sure you're doing a great job.
15/10/2009 at 01:23
15/10/2009 at 12:36
I feel your pain, my Mil was a nightmare for ages, it ended up a massive row and 10mnths of no talking, Now things are improving But ALL grandparents will say and do things that bug the backside of us, its part of it all, just ignore and move on, Shes your baby, you do as you see fit, and just carry on nodding and smiling!
With my MIL i find if i focus on things we agree on, she loves all the meals i cook for the children and is fascinated at lola chomping on beef etc, so if i feel a convo going somewhere we clash i quickly say, oh they tried, such and such the other day, lola loved it have you tried making it, any tips etc, it works!
15/10/2009 at 14:10
I'm not even going to share my opinion-I'll take up whole thread!!!!
But don't let her put you down hun,you're a good mother,and as Jo said she is a guest in YOUR house,try your best to ignore her-if not ask DH to have a quiet word.
Everyone dishes out advice-it's up to you wether you take it,personally off my MIL-NO!!!!!!!!!!
I hope she learns to keep quiet and realise what a gem of a DIL she has-letting her live there x
15/10/2009 at 21:59
15/10/2009 at 22:22
I think with mine weve found middle ground, im a more relaxed parent now, jack can have that lolly because it makes him happy and he then gives mumah kisses, It cant be fun for her having him ignore her most of every visit, We are getting there, slowly. we actually took ourselves to them this week and had a lovely day, we were ment to leave at 7pm so the kids went to 'bed' in the car but we didnt leave till nearly 11!!! they loved it!
16/10/2009 at 22:18
Ooh problems with mine at min-arseholes-been away over a wek,didn't see lads for 5 weeks before they went-no sorry they called for half hour-with the other grandchildren. Got back Sun rang Ian said they'd see us in the week,no show(good job I'm wise and don't tell the lads) he got txt just now saying sorry but they've been so busy with other grandchildren and golf they haven't had time.
I've had it now-no more biting my lip being nice for the sake of my sons-they can do one now as far as I'm concerned. Think he's finally seen the light-it upset him too-and I hate my men upset.
The complete lack of attention they give/show our children,whilst showering the other 2 with attention time,money,gifts is f*****g unreal. How can people treat grandchildren so differently???? It astounds me it really does. Sorry rant over.
16/10/2009 at 22:52
Hi! I'm going to say the stupid obligitory don't rise to it but I know exactly how this is. My kids have been cancelled in favour of their cousins plenty of times and actually my little girl is the one I feel most for. Because she was quite a difficult baby noone wanted to hold her at all so I dragged my bones night after night no sleep, b.feeding a poorly collicky prem baby and now she's quite cute and lovely they get quite upset and wonder why she clings to me. The best one was last week I was told, Alice doesn't even like me, (by her Auntie) she won't look me in the eye and runs away. In my head my response was 'Don't be stupid, she's a little girl and hasn't got a clue who you are. Despite the fact you think she doesn't like you, she's nearly 2 and chats away on the toy phone though God knows why when despite you only living round the corner and having to pass the house all the time you never bother to call in to see her. (My actual response was a kind of nervous dippy laugh and another one taken up the Bside from them without warning.
Me and hubby have had 3 nights in 3 years since my firstborn together with no kids and despite endless promises of childcare there never is any. We had modernisations done in April and couldn't be rehomed. I gave my MIL the dates of 3 days the kids needed to be out during rewire. Apparantly Ihadn't and despite them being written on the calender at hers as needing babysitting, When I called to check, the cousins had been booked in (including overnights) for the easter holidays. All the hols and weekends are booked and My little boy sometimes gets an invite if they can't make it. I hate it because they feed him nothing but poo and MIL actually says quite nasty things right in front of me. At least Mat gets to stay sometimes but poor Alice is only lucky that she doesn't understand. They had a whole conversation about new pillows (Alice there) for the kids bed and they were all told they had one except Alice. I was told she had plenty and she was too young to understand feelings of being left out. Their neighbour gave them a load of toys (Annabel dolls) their girls had finished with and loads of board games. MIL took them and gave them to sis in Laws Judo club fundraiser and told me 'Well they don't need second hand'. I'm not so stupid that I'm going to turn down anything that my kids can use especialy if it's stuff we would buy anyway. I don't think she must realise that the majority of our stuff is used. I think people who brag about spending top money on something I've just got for pennies are so daft and ignorant. My son was bought the best mattress from Babies R us by them at £100. and told NO USED MATRESSES! which was great except when Alice went in a cot Matthew was still in his so we bought a used cot and MIL said just wash the mattress down for her. When we gave the cot away to one of their new relatives (we don't know them) They bought them a brand new mattress and they aren't even grandkids.
I totally understand how angry you are and unless you shout now you'll be made to feel like you're overeacting later on. I hope you are better tomorrow. HelenXXXXXXX
16/10/2009 at 23:18
Helen,thank god someone else has almost identical attitude from outlaws,sorry cos I know how difficult it is but it's good to know I'm not alone(few of us on here with same sort of prob)
I hope I calm down too,not good for me being angry. Cheers Helen x x
16/10/2009 at 23:33
My in laws still indulge three of the other Grandchildren, One of the others they say is to spoilt damn right he is, His mum and dad are the WORST inlaws you could imagine! called us snobs for having fitted carseats and only clarks shoes!!!!! LMAO, the idiots! and there brat has EVERY toy we have i mean everything, its pathetic!
But anyway mil is now nicer to us and has said we have the best behaved well rounded children and she loves to cook for them because they enjoy it!!! she still spoils the others bar one, but we know its because they have a shit life with divorced parents who are selfish prats!
16/10/2009 at 23:51
OMG how can you be a snob for having correctly fitted car seats what a ridiculous thing to say and I think most parents will always have fitted shoes from clarks or similar. I think those are probably two things of only a few that you can't cut corners with. At £30.00 x 2 evey few months, thats why we do save elsewhere so we can afford proper footwear. Xcuse the way I've writtn this. my little girl isn't well at all and she's lying accross my belly looking rotten. Every time I move she's waking and doing really painful pumps. (she really stinks actually) but it's not very often I get the chance to just sit quietly with her so until I need to go she's staying with me.
I wanted to say aswell that 'I can't understand why my hubby puts up with it either because they actually speak to him like dirt so ''im not sure wether they're just generally a bit nasty because his sisters were both always favoured over him when they were younger and they don't try and hide it. He always comes away looking like a kicked dog and still makes excuses for them I hope it doesn't rub off on my kids though, Helenxxxxx
17/10/2009 at 00:14
Well mine doesn't trouble me any more,cos I don't answer the phone.I screen every call,her number is witheld.Solves one problem.No more tea time/bathtime calls to tell me "hers" are in the paper playing a trumpet/have a cold/passed wind for all it matters.
I still get to hear the gossip I suppose with us at the centre,from SIL,who I'm a bit more wary of cos someone's fuelling this gossip.I just hear the oh you wouldn't believe what she said,and as much as you say you're past caring it still p***es you off.She now complains nobody wants her cos she's old,and Jo doesn't have time to chat anymore.Well both are true but not for the reasons she thinks,and it's not worth telling her why,if she hasn't a concience by now,she'll never have one.We've seen her once since Boxing Day,she turned up half drunk to see the new house and pretend to be interested in the latest "not another one".Well *******s,all she got to see was the back of his head.My baby is not a toy,and in any case she was in no fit state to hold him..Matilda was asleep,a convenient late nap, since she's not convenient to MIL either,the other kids ignored her,they were too busy playing..DH was his usual rude inhospitable self,and this time I didn't bother to rescue the situation.
Boxing Day looms again,hope she doesn't want a lift,cos I'm not getting her.She did catch me off guard on the phone TOD sropped hints for an invite but I wasn't biting.
MILs invoke the devil within methinks.We all start ranting about themThink you just have to stop expecting any thing then you're not disappointed.
17/10/2009 at 09:41
At the end of the day it is them that are missing out on your wonderful children. The little ones don't need grandparents like that, grandparents are supposed to love their grandchildren unconditionally like we do but if they can't they're not worth bothering with why should our children be made to feel second best.
I remember my mum telling me when I had my eldest that her feelings for him were possibly more intense than when she had had me because he was her child's child thats how it should be.Have had problems with mil in the past but things are better now.
Hope it all get's sorted, try not to thump her Rach.
Hope your little girl gets better soon Helen.
17/10/2009 at 11:37
Just a quikie as I've got loads to do and I might actually sleep tonight. My little girl is still not well but she's a bit better than through the night. We got a smile and 5 minutes play out of her this morning so we're all going to Durham for the afternoon to get some fresh air. I do sometimes feel really angry with MIL but I thought that was just a clash of personalities and that she didn't expect me to be so independant (nor her son as she keeps saying) so she was never really asked for help where with the cousins I think she was even there throught the delivery so I do think mum/daughter side has it's differences. I just know that when my kids can say enough they are honest enough to ask why the others get more than them and I wont lie while their GPs and Aunts etc make something up. I wont expect them to give an honest answer anyway but my two are bright enough to notice any negative things going on. I think it sounds like some of you have a lot harder time than me because in my families defence they are generally quite nice to and always want to spoil the kids (overcompensation for other things?) but they're just not people who I would approach and choose to be friends of mine. I think as parents, we put up with enough criticism and have far too many things to do without people making pointless judgements and trying to knock your confidence. I thiink a lot of people just don't think and they'd be the first to point out if we offend them despite the fact we hold our tongues for so long.
17/10/2009 at 13:02
Glad your little ones feeling better helen, its awful when theyre ill!
17/10/2009 at 21:59
Glad you little girl better Helen,hope you get a decent sleep x
I have 3 main probs with mine.1)I worked with SIL before met big fella-so she knows stuff I'd possibly rather my inlaws didn't-in fact they prob do know hence why they look at me like I'm scum(long story all in past) 2)he is sooo damn polite and laid back-he'd rather just let things slide. 3) I am the type of person to speak my mind,and feel I can't with them,cos it'll just fuel their hate for me.
I don't actually care that they hate me-join the queue-it's fairly big,wait patiently,but I care that I do expect nowt-and still they let my sons down. My 2 yr old says things like my cousin will have this certain toy,grandma will have bought it she buys him everything,and goes on holiday with him. It's true-what do you say to that.
He even once said she was daddybears mum but not his grandma-she was Callum's grandma(his cousin) breaks my heart hearing a child speak such harsh truth. Poor sod-good job my ma worships the ground he walks upon,and good job my ma sees my children equally,and treats them equally.
I'm going to stop now-sorry girls-you all know the probs-just ranting now
17/10/2009 at 22:17
awww bless tom!
thats so tough on you rach, i think if jj or the bean ever came out with stuff like that id hate the pils forever!!!
17/10/2009 at 22:24
Hiya! You sound a bit calmer. That's good!? Isn't it bad when we just have to resign to putting up with it. You sound loads like me. I'm fingers and thumbs infront of the inlaws but all of my friends would say 'who are you talking about?' if my inlaws had to describe me to them. If you do just want to have a rant any time I'm pretty good at listening and I promise to try and hold back on 'helpful' advice. I never thought that there was so much going on around inlaws.
On a good note for me though, apart from a bit of a nasty cough, Alice is a bit better still and was even a bit cheeky tonight before bed which is lovely because I really miss her chaos when she's not well. The house is unnaturally tidy but I think they might be keeping the projectile vomit card to play tomorrow because Mat was really nice and cuddly before his bedtime aswell and usually it makes me a bit suspicious at the moment LOL X
Night Night everyone! I did get a bit of sleep but we've got people setting fireworks off and the dog is terrified. so I'm up for now if anyones about but I'm going to try and go back to bed around midnight.
17/10/2009 at 22:25
Tell ya what-I'm hard faced me-but that upset me
Don't want to think that they have affected him in such a negative way,but clearly they have.
And it seems if we say owt big row will start and I know that's not what Ian wants,but if push comes to shove and we do fall out with them,Ian knows I'd pick my boys over anyone-including him.
Hate feeling like this,we have it bout every 3 months-stupid I know but it's gotta end-either have it out with them when they turn up and make rude remarks or cut them off.
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