Family Life & Relationships <
03/07/2016 at 01:24
Hi my name is Ryan i am a father of one and have just found out that i am going to be a dad for the second time. I know this site is for mums but seeing louise's post made me want to reply as i need help with my mother in law and am looking for some advice. It all started when my partner found out she was pregnant 3 years ago, she sat me down and i was in shock as i was only 19 at the time but i have always been quite mature for my age so i said to my partner who was only 17 at the time that i am their for her whatever her decision may be. She decided that she wanted to keep the baby so i was like thats fine, time for me to step up now and get a job as i am going to be a dad for the first time. I was their for her all the way through the pregnancy bought everything for the baby ready and did what all males are supposed to do when being a dad becomes a reality. I emotionally supported my partner and did everything for her during this scary time as we found out that our baby had gastroshcheises during one of the scans (not sure if thats how you spell it). So my partner was very scared and upset during the remaining weeks of her pregnancy, i was too but i wasn't carrying our child so i coiluldn't imagine how she felt. Any way we was told we was having a little girl but on the day she decided to pop out a boy so you can imagine the shock. especially with how much money was spent on girls clothes :0. So the baby was born five weeks early and had to go in an incubator for a few weeks and have a few operations to get his bowles put back in as he was born with them on the outside of his stomach rather than the inside. Now this is where i talk about the mother in law. she had already started interfiering but i thought id leave that out as this is where it starts to get really bad. Basically all the way through the pregnancy i wanted our child to have my last name as i am the father and tradition is that the child goes in the fathers last name unless hes not been there then he doesnt deserve to. So thats all i wanted as the child with it being a boy aswell will carry on my last name. so the mother in law protested this as everything has to be her way and the baby had to have her last name for some reason so to save arguments i was up for a double barrel name but even that wasnt good enough it was either her way or the highway. so what the sneaky woman did was she sent me subway whilst my gf was still in the hospital to get sandwhiches for people and whilst i was gone got the name put into their family last name. at the time i didnt realise it was only days later by this time it was too late. when i found out i was in bits as its the only thing i ever wanted and it was ripped away from me. some people will say its just a name but for me it was evetything. the worst part is this is just the start. i was then told by the in laws that because the baby isnt well the baby and my gf will be staying with them and theres nothing i could do about it. everything i worked so hard for was just being taken away from me. i had a flat aswell but because her mother had obviously had children she knew what was best. so they was all playing happy families round at the house and i had to visit my own son which felt like child services centre as the mother in law constantly watched my every move and interfierd if i wasnt changing him fast enough i tried explaing that im learning but she just bullied in uninvited all the time. me being too nice for my own good was great execuse for her to walk all over me. anyway with everything that happened my partner ended up suffering with post natal depression and she just couldnt seem to find a bond with our son so her mother just stepped right in and took full responsibility right from under our noses. every time we then tried to do anything with him she purposly did it first and wouldnt let us get close. this then made my partner worse and with me not living their couldnt do much as i was working so i would come home from work to her mother and it got to the point where i didnt want to go round and even avoided seeing my son at one point which broke my heart but i couldnt cope with her no more. she used to pull me to one side and call me a bad dad and make me feel like shit. i even ended up loosing my job because i was that depressed i couldnt cope. my mind was constantly working overdrive. But my son is two and a half now and nothing has changed im crying all the time now because the motherbin law has got a better bond with our son than we have but my gf is scared to put her foot down and its ruining it for me and now finding out that she is pregnant has me worried because were not even looking after the first one her mum is and i can see this being exactly the same. i had a breif chat with her mum two days ago and she said whats happening with the last name of this child then so i said he/she will be having my last name so she said no you cant have two babies with different last names so the baby will have to have our name again. i said no its not happening our first born will be having his last name changed to mine that way their not different and she replies over my dead body i just dont know what her problem is. she also said this baby will have to move in with them aswell as we cant have brother or sister/brother seperated. so i said our son will be moving in with us as we will be getting a house but she is just having non of it. i am honeslty at the lowest point of my life right now and i am only 22 years of age and just want my son to be where he belongs and my mother in law out of my life as she is ruining it and on top of all of this i feel that run down ive been having panic attacks which are causing me to stay off work and stay in im just really in a low place and could really you'se somebodies help right now. sorry for all the writing aswell i got a bit carried away but thank you so much if you have taken the time out of your day to read my story i really appriciate it.
10/07/2016 at 07:34
so sorry to read this please talk to someone who can help you should have ur children imo xx
20/07/2016 at 05:39
In a world where there are so many complaints about fathers not demonstrating enough interest in their children, it is very very saddening to hear your story. You sound both enthusiastic to help and eager to be a part of your children's lives.
As your mother in law sounds both manipulative and unreasonable, I would guess that your children will one day figure this out just by observing her behaviour themselves. Regarding your surname, even if she pulls dirty tricks with paperwork to "officially" force her choice of surname onto your children, please be assured that as long as you are not barred access from your children for legal reasons, you will always have the opportunity to explain to them your pride in your relationship to them as their father. If they are forced to write one thing down as their surname, but they know their father loves them dearly and has always wanted them to take his surname, one day when they are adults they may choose to change it themselves. Then what will your mother in law do?
It sounds like she is bullying you around and preventing you from enjoying an incredibly important bond with your children. My only advice about difficult mother in laws, or difficult people in general, is that they tend to be rude and unpleasant to everyone, not just you.
That's her weakness though. As long as you continue to love your children and do whatever you can to protect them from harm and give them the best upbringing to your ability, your children will one day realise that grandma has been very nasty to dad, and that dad has always set a good example for them and loves them, your mother in law's pushy nature will be her own undoing.
Unfortunately, babies won't understand such complexities. You are probably in for a rough time, which is unfair on you. I applaud you for your strong sense of duty and love towards your children, and wish you all the best as your kids grow up.
Your mother in law sounds like she would enjoy a reason to block you legally from spending time with your kids. She might even try to provoke you or trick you into giving her reason to suggest you should be denied their company. Never give her a reason to take your kids from you. Be polite even if she is awful. It's unfair, but it benefits you because ultimately, she is only a problem to you if she manages to take your kids away from you. If she is unwilling to play nicely with you, you may want to save some money up to get legal advice over this matter. She doesn't need to know you've asked for advice.
There are stories of children who one day ask their grandparents why they're so mean to mummy/daddy, and this is very embarrassing for the grandparent. I hope you can ride out this awful period to be one day rewarded with such a moment.
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