Family Life & Relationships <
16/03/2017 at 20:43
Just need to vent and some advice !
First time posting on this.
im getting really fed up with my partner. He works full time And I work full time. Except I work full time, clean the whole house, do the washing, dishes Etc, We also have a 2 year old and I do mostly everything for her, even though he is a fantastic dad. he goes out whenever he feels like it. He's off work just now and I'm still doing everything. He doesn't care when I try and speak to him he just says he will start to help and never does! I just feel like I'm a single parent most of the time :(
talking seems to get me nowhere and when I moan about him not helping he moans at me like I'm the problem.
i love him to bits and he's never been like this, he just started acting like this the last year but I'm getting so fed up of it.
How can I get through to him that this has got to stop And he needs to start helping me more?
19/03/2017 at 14:42
my partner had the 'talk' with me about how I needed to help out and even though I do as much as I possibly can for her, I have to admit I was slacking. The baby isn't due until October but she has a child from a previous relationship and he is a rubbish Dad and so I've always gone the extra mile to bond with her child which my partner loves. That being said, ever since we found out she was pregnant I felt zapped off energy. I'm not sure why as I'm still struggling with it but I became very lazy and left her to do almost everything. Nothing she said motivated even though I was begging myself to do more I just couldn't be bothered to be honest.
it was until I woke up in the night to her crying, saying she was so scared about everything. That spurred me on to the point I do all the housework as well as being the one in full time work.
So maybe you could write him a letter with all your concerns and how he really needs to step up?
21/03/2017 at 10:25
Thanks for your reply. I've had the talk with him I don't know how many times. He just makes it out like I'm the problem, and says 'whatever' when I try to talk to him about it. I will try writing a letter, and see if it helps. hes depressed so I know that's playing a major part of this but I just don't know how much more I can support him, if he doesn't want to make the effort himself. It just hurts knowing he never used to be like this it's only started in the last year.
21/03/2017 at 13:36
Hi hun didn't want to read and run - I was in the same position as you with my hubby being relatively useless when it came to doing anything around the house. I work more hours than he does (though both full time) and would make both our lunches, dinner as well as doing all of the washing and housework. I tried many things such as leaving his washing and not doing it and leaving his mess but that didn't work, I tried getting angry, I tried numerous times to have a calm talk about it and tell him how much it was getting me down. He pretty much always said he would start doing more but it lasted a couple of days before going back to normal.
I don't know your situation with hubby being depressed and how much of an impact thats having on his helping out but perhaps helping him to find a way through that will help things maybe he needs to see a doctor if it's that bad?
I think in general (not all!! but) most men like to think that its not their duty to do household jobs and expect the woman to do so. I would go with the letter idea too and if that doesn't get through to him then perhaps go down the more serious route of "how do we move forward from this" and let him know exactly how much its taking over your life.
The thing that really changed hubby for me was when I fell pregnant. Now I sometimes feel guilty that he does so much but then I remember the 3 previous years we've been living together! Not that I'm telling you to get pregnant! Haha. Sorry I can't be much help Hun but I hope you get things sorted! Xxx
22/03/2017 at 13:56
Hi, my hubby suffers with depression and anxiety and it can be difficult but overall I'd be blunt - as in a sledge hammer!
Men don't often get hints or suggestions so be direct and spell it out ! Just calmly and nicely lol
start by being positive ...you think he is an amazing man you love him but you have an issue only he can help with ! Explain you don't like the moaning nagging woman who is tired and fed up that u have become, you want to be the happy fun lighthearted passionate woman he fell for ! But to do that he needs to step up and be the man you fell for too.... the one who doesn't sit and ignore stuff, the fact he is depressed needs medical attention but the first step include doimg something positive and productive so how can you BOTH work thru it to get him to a good place Because this affects you too!
Often sitting and stewing about it becomes a cycle and then a spiral e.g.: he feels depressed so u don't want to do anything -- you don't do anything, feel useless and get more depressed!
lay out simply what he can help with or things that you can both do differently? This could free you both up to have more chill out time together.
Can you both do a big clean once/ twice a week and then " spritz " it quickly thru the week? Change bed, bulk laundry, Hoover thru and dust? All easier with more hands, put music on and get a wiggle going make it fun ;) get any kids involved too ! Get outside.... walk the dog together, local farmers markets for healthy food shopping? Maybe a walk to a local beauty spot?
on a weekend Could you both cook up a few meals for week nights that are easy to re heat? Prep food for meals in ziploc baggies so it's quicker to cook? Batch cook a meal so left overs can be used for lunch? I like Jamie Oliver's meals in minutes and he does lots with left over Sunday roast meats ....check online x
Praise what he does do ( even if you have to re do it on the quiet) as if he feels what he has done is pointless he will be less likely to do anything again.
A dr can refer to a cpn ( community psych nurse ) for assessment and further therapys, ( CBT, mindfulness etc ) medication can be prescribed but need regular check ups and take a few weeks to get going in the system before any difference is noted.
It took a while for my man to admit he has depression, it took a couple of months on meds to get him to feel the difference in himself and accept his depression is an ever changing thing and influenced by a lot but also that he also has to be pro active and choose to do something about it Because it also adds to the mood of the family, (positively or negatively depending on his mood). check with gp for local services and online advice available relevant to you x
be strong !
best wishes xx
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