Toddlers & Older Children <
22/10/2012 at 18:25
Ok I have a son who is 4 years old (just) and I split from his mum around 2 an half years ago now. We've had are ups and downs like any couple that split and we've had our differences in the past which we've managed to sort out one way or another.
The problem I've got is that his mother when getting my son to sleep lay's next to him and cuddles him and when he wakes in the night eithyer she gets in bed with him for the rest of the night or goes in her bed till the morning. I think he's old enough to be sleeping through in his own bed and he should be able to get him self to sleep so with fairy steps i've been trying to introduce this at mine.
A week ago last friday i had a chat with my son and tryed to make him understand the reasons why i dont 'match' his mums bed time routine! He then got really up set when it came to bed time and wanted to go back to his mums. I always let my son ring his mum when ever he wants so he rang her an she told him he could go back, so i took him back.
Since then he's not come for tea once (normally mon,wed for tea,friday over night) I got to see him for a total of about 3hrs over the weekend (my full weekend) and today he wouldnt come again. It breaks my heart everytime I go try an pick up for tea and he says no.
I dont think his mums helping at all, she doesnt encurrage him to come for tea and just stands there with her arms crossed!
Can any one advise me on what i could do to try and encurrage my son to come for tea please. I feel in the week i've not seen him he's grown up so much and I miss out on enough and now i'm missing out even more!
Please any suggestions would be most grateful.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
24/10/2012 at 12:22
It sounds like you & your son's mother need to talk. This differing behaviour you are both trying to follow is not going to help your son longterm.
You need to tell her that you miss spending time with your little boy & that you would like her support & encouragement in getting him to spend time with you father & son. Again tell her the reason you feel he is not wanting to visit is because your bedtime routine is different to hers & that you feel at his age (not too long before school starts) he should be able to sleep in his own bed 'selfsettling' (she may not like hearing it but it is something that needs saying in your son's best interests). If she is not willing to hear you out then try talking to her friends/family pointing out your concerns are for your son & his welfare.
Best wishes & good luck.
24/10/2012 at 13:20
Your ex needs to realise how important it is that you remain a big part of his life and have regular, consistant contact. You are his Dad who loves him and will miss him!!
Your son needs to see that you and his Mum are 'friends' with each other, (even if you're not!) This will help him feel secure when he is at Mum's or Dad's.Both houses should be seen as his 'home'. Your ex needs to talk to your son about you and the situation in a positive way and should also be encouraging him to come to yours and telling him how much his Daddy loves him and wants to see him.
You do need to work together on his bedtime routine,( I think your ex is finding it a comfort for herself staying with your son til he falls asleep) It is no good for him in the long run!!! I do not agree with staying with a child until they go to sleep and I definately think getting in the child's bed is all wrong and just makes a rod for your own back. Bedtime routine should consist of bathtime fun, reading a story, lots of cuddles then it should be "goodnight". He does need to learn to selfsettle knowing you're not far away if he needs you.
like KazzieM says you both need to talk and put any issues aside, work together and just do what is best for your son, he is only 4!!
My ex and I have always maintained a good, positive relationship and our son is so happy and secure because of this (he is 8 now). Just chatting on the doorstep for a few minutes when you pick your son up will really help because your son will know that Mummy is happy for him to go to Daddy's. If Mummy and Daddy are happy your son will be too!! Any bitterness or negativity should not be shown in front of your son.
I hope this helps and things get better for you.
24/10/2012 at 17:36
24/10/2012 at 19:10
good luck!! show her our replies!!
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