Getting Pregnant <
Trying to conceive
07/08/2013 at 14:31
I'm turning 30 in a few months and have been married for over a year. Almost everyone I know, including my younger sister, is either now a parent or a parent-to-be, and it feels like every week I find out about another friend or colleague who's expecting. All I can think about is starting a family; my husband and I have a list of our favourite names, and we talk about having a baby frequently (it seems almost constant to me).
However, I keep coming back to the issue of money. We have no savings, I'm nearly £10k in debt, and we rent with no possibility of a mortgage even slightly on the horizon. Neither of us earns a massive amount, and mine is actually the larger income by almost £10k per year.
I know I should wait, at least until I've paid off my debts. Realistically, I have this worked out - I'll have them paid off by January 2016 (although it's going to be difficult, to be honest) and figure we can start trying then. We still won't have savings, but can save emergency money while I'm pregnant and then just work it out from there - at least the debts will be gone by then.
But that's over two years away, and I don't know how I'm going to make it through that amount of days and months with this constantly on my mind. It's almost literally all I think about, day in and day out. I had an abortion nearly four years ago because I was unexpectedly pregnant despite being on the pill, and because my partner and I had only been together for 9 months and just weren't ready. I wanted to keep it, but reason told me not to. I know it was the right decision, but now I look at all my friends' children and think that I could have a 3 year old running around right now, and it makes me feel frustrated and sad.
Now I get asked on a weekly basis when my husband and I will be having kids, and my pregnant sister actually turned to me at her recent baby shower and asked how it felt to be left out when everyone else is having children around me. I ignored the comment and blamed her insensitivity on pregnancy hormones, but it hurt.
I know that people are divided about this - some will say you should wait until you're ready financially, and others say you'll never be ready. I was just wondering if any of you are, or have been, in the same situation and have any advice - whether it's about how good/bad an idea it would be to start trying before all the debt's paid off, or just some ways of dealing with the constant longing for a child.
Thank you for reading!
07/08/2013 at 14:54
I'm not sure what to say really I'm almost 28 and my partner is almost 36. We waited until we had some money behind us, because like in your case my salary is much larger than his so I wanted to ensure that I can manage financially while on maternity leave. I came off the pill last year, started trying in December and found out in Feb'13 that I was pregnant. We were extremely excited and embraced every day Then life kicked me in the face - BIG TIME. I started spotting so rushed into the emergency dept to find out that our baby didn't have a heart beat. I was laying there waiting for the ultrasound and as the lady started scanning my tummy my partner had a massive smile on is face. He could see the baby - bless his heart. The nurse remained quiet for a few minutes and said that she could not see a heart beat. We were devastated, I sobbed my heart out, I could not believe it In fact, I'm still trying to deal with it and finding it hard to cope. I wish I never waited this long to have a baby ..... I know it all happened for a reason, but that is not a good enough excuse for me
Would you struggle financially if you were only receiving maternity pay? Would you be eligible for any benefits? (apart from child benefit cos everybody is eligible for that).
It is very hard to make a decision when it comes to babies as you want to ensure that you can look after them, etc ....
07/08/2013 at 19:28
To be honest there is never a right time. My hubby. And I waited over a year before we started trying as we knew he was leaving the army and I was still a temp staff in my job . We now are both working full time but I still have my debts and we rent, hubby works away most weeks but we just decided we couldn't wait forever and are now expecting next feb. you can only follow your head for so long, after a while your heart will lead the way x
07/08/2013 at 19:46
I would say theres no real time. If i were you i'd go for it now. I'm 29 and 14+3. I've got 10k in debt, thats not going to go away. But we will manage, you always do. May just mean you need to extend your loan for a longer period to decrease mothly payments if possible. Try and wwork out how you could manage things differently while you're on maternity.
I dont want to scare you, but you dont know if you'll have problems concieving. What if you wait 2 years, then it takes another 2 to fall preganant. How would you feel? If you answer is you'd cope, then take the risk and wait, but if not.. maybe its time to start trying. x
08/08/2013 at 07:36
08/08/2013 at 09:31
There's never a right time. I was 22 when had my first and had no money or savings and she turned out just perfect. I'm pregnant with number 2 and got made redundant at 9 weeks pg so am living on job seekers now and chances of finding a job with a bump are slim to nil. Add to that we just moved to a bigger house with rent and bills almost double the place we lived at and she starts school this month so have had that expense too. Luckily oh is on a LOT of money at the mo and I was sensible with my small redundancy pay out and stashed it away. But that's life, if you wait for the right time u will always be waiting as something will always come up and before you know it, it's too late. Good luck with whatever you decide x
08/08/2013 at 11:33
Go for it, financially there is never a good time but you will always adjust and manage with what money you do have. We started trying at 28 and it took 2 years to concieve my lo. If you wait 2 and half years and then it takes a long time you'll kick yourself. Good luck X
08/08/2013 at 12:59
I have been through a similar situation to you although there are some differences, which is why I couldn't say which is the better option for you! Both choices facing you are really hard, but I think it depends on you guys as a couple to decide which one is right for you.
My story started in 2009 after a year of being married - I was desperate for a baby, but we lived in a one bed house that we had bought with a 100% mortgage. We tried to sell the house in 2009 for what we paid for it and got nothing not even an offer and with our £9k debt and no savings it meant there was no way out for us and my husband absolutely refused to have a baby in a 1 bed house as I suffer from an anxiety disorder which causes depression so being stuck in a tiny house day in day out would've driven me nuts!
I was devastated so I took the house off the market and started saving as much as possible and had our debt paid off in 2 years. We cut down on all the c**p we were spending money on (as the other ladies above have said) and then started saving for half the deposit for our new house. We managed to save enough (half the deposit) in 2012 to put the house back on the market last christmas & because we'd saved that extra money we could lower the asking price (a bit too low but I just wanted to get out of there!)
We now have our dream home and the feeling of relief not to have those debts is great, but to be honest with you we STILL have money worries about when the baby gets here (I'm 11+3) so I wouldn't say say it's necessary to get rid of them it just helped us get a bigger mortgage (as we'd already bought a home).
It was a devastating desicion to make nearly 4 years ago, but bearing in mind I was only 24 (hubby was 28) it was a good decision for us and we don't regret it now, but to be honest like the other ladies said there really is never a good time financially! I have no childcare options so it was just easier to get rid before we had a baby as I won't be able to go back to work until all my children are in school.
I would say get your hubby together one night with a lovely meal & drinks & sit down with your bank statements etc and see if you can make a decision based on your circumstances (even if you clear a little of your debt to make you happier about the baby route?).
I just wanted to give you a point of veiw from the other side, but I stress that it was a decision we made purely on our circumstances and I wouldn't say it was the right way or the wrong way. But, if you wanted to look into it more I would highly recommend the moneysavingexpert.com website (with that Martin Lewis from daybreak etc) that really helped me sort out our finances & he gives advice on benefits etc too so a wealth of knowledge whichever decision you make!
Goodluck with whichever you decide!
09/08/2013 at 07:28
09/08/2013 at 10:30
Thank you it was really hard! I was a major spender so it was a total life changer for me, but as I can't go back to work after baby it will help me make the family budgeting easier so for that I'm grateful! I'm actually a bit tight with money now!
I think what you guys went through was really inspirational and it was an option I wanted to go for originally when we couldn't sell the house, but my husband was really worried about how it would affect me emotionally and we would've been under massive strain! I think you guys did amazing! I bet you guys feel great now it's done though and I hope you're enjoying your well deserved little family!
12/08/2013 at 23:10
13/08/2013 at 01:53
13/08/2013 at 08:45
I am sure you are going to be very nice parent .What you have thought is correct .First you have savings then you plan for kids..You have two three years .Don’t worry what others are saying No one will come and help you so when you feel that you are comfortable financially then you go for the kids.
Continues below ad
with our partner Childcare.co.uk
Nice to see you! Please do nose around, sign up and join in.