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Impotence/Delayed Ejaculation
Hi,
My husband and I wed in June 09, he has always suffered from a form of ED but as I loved him so much and it wasnt all the time I tried not to worry about it.
Since our wedding my husband has only ejaculated twice, he can get an erection but cannot maintain it, sometimes he trys to penetrate me when he isnt even hard.
I came off the pill in October and since then we have not had proper penetrative sex. We started councelling 5 weeks ago, but still no improvement. I feel so ill and upset with it all. To make matters worse my sister in law has just announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant colleagues at work friends family etc. I have no one to talk to other than husband and the counsillor. We live in North West can anyone offer any advise on specialists that we could visit, he wont consider hypnotherapy but we need to do something. I feel so ill and miserable, I just dont know what to do. My only wish is that we looked into this years ago rather than letting the problem persist and now when we really would love a baby we have all this to deal with. What should I do?
We have booked ourselves in at a private clinic for a MOT test near us to make sure everything is in working order
FEMALE TESTS
Anti-Mullerian Hormone (provides a good estimate of the number of eggs in the ovary)
Urine sample for Chlamydia
Rubella (checking immunity against German measles)
Transvaginal ultrasound scan of your womb and ovaries.
MALE TESTS
Semen analysis
Urine sample for Chlamydia
I dont think anything will be wrong with me but going along for re-assurance and as support for husband. Not sure how he will produce his sample. The last time he ejaculated was a few days in to our honeymoon in August 09, nothing since. Over the weekend we tried having not penetrative sex. I do feel sorry for him as he has such a high sex drive too and constantly wants sex. I tried the suggestion from the Dr at the clinic where he wouldnt penetrate me, anyway still had no luck. It was so dissapointing. My periods are regular and I am now ovulating and he cant ejaculate, so dissappointing. He is going to boots on Thursday to meet with a lady Dr have a chat and check up and they will give him viagra. Im hoping that will work but it seems to be more of a mental thing so not sure if a pill will help. We have counselling once a week and have done since the beginning of Jan 2010. Im not sure what else can be done, we so desperately want a baby but even before we were trying for a baby he had this problem he has had this ever since i have known him and only got worse as years got on. Not stopped crying in weeks. No one to talk to about it. His sister is pregnant and has been excitedly telling me all about scan which just makes me feel worse. Im only 24 this isnt supposed to be happening, im fit and healthy and doing everything right, what more can i do?
My husband and I wed in June 09, he has always suffered from a form of ED but as I loved him so much and it wasnt all the time I tried not to worry about it.
Since our wedding my husband has only ejaculated twice, he can get an erection but cannot maintain it, sometimes he trys to penetrate me when he isnt even hard.
I came off the pill in October and since then we have not had proper penetrative sex. We started councelling 5 weeks ago, but still no improvement. I feel so ill and upset with it all. To make matters worse my sister in law has just announced that she is 12 weeks pregnant. I feel like everyone around me is pregnant colleagues at work friends family etc. I have no one to talk to other than husband and the counsillor. We live in North West can anyone offer any advise on specialists that we could visit, he wont consider hypnotherapy but we need to do something. I feel so ill and miserable, I just dont know what to do. My only wish is that we looked into this years ago rather than letting the problem persist and now when we really would love a baby we have all this to deal with. What should I do?
We have booked ourselves in at a private clinic for a MOT test near us to make sure everything is in working order
FEMALE TESTS
Anti-Mullerian Hormone (provides a good estimate of the number of eggs in the ovary)
Urine sample for Chlamydia
Rubella (checking immunity against German measles)
Transvaginal ultrasound scan of your womb and ovaries.
MALE TESTS
Semen analysis
Urine sample for Chlamydia
I dont think anything will be wrong with me but going along for re-assurance and as support for husband. Not sure how he will produce his sample. The last time he ejaculated was a few days in to our honeymoon in August 09, nothing since. Over the weekend we tried having not penetrative sex. I do feel sorry for him as he has such a high sex drive too and constantly wants sex. I tried the suggestion from the Dr at the clinic where he wouldnt penetrate me, anyway still had no luck. It was so dissapointing. My periods are regular and I am now ovulating and he cant ejaculate, so dissappointing. He is going to boots on Thursday to meet with a lady Dr have a chat and check up and they will give him viagra. Im hoping that will work but it seems to be more of a mental thing so not sure if a pill will help. We have counselling once a week and have done since the beginning of Jan 2010. Im not sure what else can be done, we so desperately want a baby but even before we were trying for a baby he had this problem he has had this ever since i have known him and only got worse as years got on. Not stopped crying in weeks. No one to talk to about it. His sister is pregnant and has been excitedly telling me all about scan which just makes me feel worse. Im only 24 this isnt supposed to be happening, im fit and healthy and doing everything right, what more can i do?
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Replies
Dont really have any advise to give on this one, but didn't want to read and run.
Sorry you are going through all of this, hopefully some medical intervention will help your hubby and you can get on your way to TTC : ) xx
Littlewolf, thats just the thing its not really a sexless marriage, he wants it all the time. It dosent help that I come very quickly therefore prefer a more quickie type sex, he would happily go on for hours! but the issue is he gets hard, remains hard then cant come, then thinks about it then goes soft, then we start again he gets hard, and so on, after nearly 2 hrs trying last night we decided to call it a day, and tried again this morning for 3/4 hr. Its so hard to try and think positive, he absoloutely loves sex, is so horny all the time, loves me to be sexy etc and I find it almost like acting because I dont feel like that knowing that 2 hours later, weeks later etc he still wouldnt have ajaculated. I wish I could just find someone in the same boat with some advise. I know we have our tests on Monday and him seeing the lady on Thur night but I hate all this waiting!
Maybe have a week or two where you have sex but dont actually penetrate each other, just enjoy each other and then you never know something might happen!! I know you are getting stressed that it may take ages to have a baby but stressing will only make it worse. Easier said than done i know as i have been stressing about it taking soooooo long to get pregnant but i just come on here and all the girls cheer me up. Just think for now at least you dont have to sleep in the cold wet patch and when it does finally happen remember to put his pillow under yer bum so it catches the drips! he he
You said you are getting counselling - is this for the sexual problems specifically? Are they discussing ways to help you overcome the problem with specific techniques or a treatment programme? You mentioned having non-penetrative sexual contact which is often a first step in treating certain sexual problems. You need to give it time and follow instructions properly and trust your therapist. You need to start associating sexual contact with something positive rather than failure and this takes time and patience.
But it's so important to know if it's physical or psychological - if it's physical and you only try psychological techniques then it's just going to fail and make you both feel worse. But if it is psychological then it can be overcome if you are both committed to trying to make positive changes.
Keep us informed of how you are both doing x
I have female friends with partners with the same issue, but in a lot of cases they are able to ejaculate on their own. It stirs up a lot of negative emotions, mainly because we are programmed by society to think all men want is to shag as many women as possible, and they will all be able to come without any problems. It's really not always the case.
TBH, if he has an eating disorder, there is probably an underlying cause, for me, it was childhood sexual abuse (which didn't much help with the attitudes to sex in all honesty) and my own mothers attitudes towards foods/body. Without unpacking what got him to that place and seeing how he can cope with whatever causes that, then it's going to be hard to tackle the issue.
In addition, it's worth thinking about how poor eating will be effecting his fertility, and how you are going to prevent his disordered thoughts about food being passed onto your baby when he/she turns up.
I do think that with talking about this, you should find that eventually it is something you can deal with and a couple. It's very hard, and anything to do with sex gets very complex very quickly.
I'm sending you all my positivity and love, and also sending healing thoughts to your hubby. He's very lucky to have someone who cares enough to look for solutions, and not for blame X
Just to clarify, sexual problems clinics don't just suggest sexual positions... it's far more about how a couple relates to each other in their relationship, primarily in a sexual way but also in general. They can offer specific techniques to help overcome a variety of problems and it can be very helpful. Your counsellor is right that it may help to deal with general anxiety and it can be very helpful to explore what may underlie a problem like this. But something to help you manage the problem in the here and now is often necessary.
It's amazing the lens we view things though, isn't it?
Sending love and hugs, because pretty much anything where either your body or your mind refuses to pay attention to your concious isn't very nice. X
But how about just trying to enjoy sex and sexual contact, as I can only imagine how tough he (and maybe you) are going to feel it if he does manage to ejaculate and then your not pregnant in month 1. Kind of seems to add to his performance anxiety at a whole other level.
Sorry don't want to be horrid but just wondered if you'd considered this, might be completely wrong and maybe the making a baby part might be an incentive!
Husband had an appt last night at 4pm with a Boots to get viagra I was hoping that him seeing the boots person would help things! but it didn't. He found the boots man to be unhelpful and uninterested. We have the MOT clinic on Monday, im just so at a loss with it.
From what I have read not much research has been done into it and only a small percentage of population have his condition (although not diagnosed!) i believe it is Retarded Ejaculation it basically means he cant cum or finds it difficult too. Sometimes sex can go on for ages before we finally just give up cos im too tired or sore. He has had this ever since I have known him. Its very frustrating for him but when we werent trying for a baby we tried not to think about it. The last time he actually came was on our honeymoon He said it was cos he was so relaxed and his condition is all down to anxiety and stuff.
We both didnt half cry last night, I was so mad becuase he woultnt try the tablet (viagra from boots) He was frightened too because had no faith in the Boots man. We were throwing things around, screaming everything it was so upsetting. I felt so low and so alone.
We arent trying now till after the clinic on Monday. He has to produce a sample and I really dont know how he will.
Their is an operation where they cut the mans testicles open remove the sperm then inject it inside me. But thats obviously the extreme, were trying to avoid that.
It took me years to get over the fact that its not to do with me and he does fancy me. Its so hard for him though because he has a very high sex drive too, so its very frustrating.
Heres the communication I sent to the clinic today - Im disgusted, we had a huge row, both were in tears last night didnt get to bed since past 1am!! - what am I going to do ?
"Further to our recent correspondence my husband visited the clinic last night 4pm to see Sally. Unfortuantely although the appointment was booked with Sally she was not working that day and my husband met with Chris.
Although I was not at the appointment with my husband I was disgusted to hear how my husband was treated.
Chris was uninterested, uniformative and unprofessional towards my husband. My husband felt that he was not provided with adequate information regarding the drug which he was prescribed. He left the store feeling disheartened, upset and frightened to take the prescpription which he had been given.
I was particularly hurt when he returned home to tell me this and felt considerably let down by Boots. I also felt the need to email you regarding this individuals poor attitude and aparant commitment to his work and responsibilities to the public."
Our MOT came back clear! I had 23 eggs (apparently 15 is good) ovulating regularly etc, and my husbands sperm count was great, was extremely high and healthy
Now i just have to figure out how to get this anxiety problem of his over with so he can ejaculate in me, any ideas? xxx
Glad the MOT went ok and u have eggs and healthy spermies
Did ur hubs do it for a cup if he had his count done???? is that an odd question lol
if he could do it for the cup again you could " pop " it in
No idea's sorry about getting him over his problem but i wanted to wish you all the best and REALLY REALLY hope you get your BFP
Gems x
Just to let you know we came back from holiday yesterday, husband and I managed to have intercourse a few times on holiay and each time he ejaculated, couldnt believe it! spirits have been really lifted! However my period was around 10 days late! I came off pill in october and had been pretty regular since coming off! so not sure if its still the pill coming out of my system or just stress as I was so anxious before we went away. Would anyone else be concered about being 10 days late? Im using the OPK now to try and work out when best to ttc but with my husbands anxiety issues going to try to keep trying in between times any other bits of advise / things we should try ladies? xx
My hubby used to take a long time to do the business, sometimes it not happening at all.
We have found that if he drinks a lot during the day before we bd, wears loose boxers and if we bd when he needs a wee it happens a lot quicker.
If there has been a gap of 2 weeks when we've bd'd I find it tends to take a lot longer so I would keep it up. It has prob done his confidence the world of good being in india and being able to do the business x