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Trying to conceive
08/10/2014 at 11:25
After chatting with ST on the daily thread about coping with ttc long term I was wondering how any other long term ttcer's cope or did cope?
We've been ttc just over a year which I know is a short time compared to some of you but already I'm struggling to cope. Even booking holidays and making plans only seem to ease the pain for a while and sometimes make it worse as I think I might be pregnant by the time the plans come round and when I'm not it puts a bit of a downer on the event.
Sorry if this thread is a bit depressing, even though we have a plan in place at the moment I'm really struggling with it all. Normally I bounce back quite quickly once AF arrives but this cycle I can't seem to snap out of it.
08/10/2014 at 11:41
LuLu – You just do, sometimes not very well, sometimes ok, I think the important thing to remember is allowing yourself to feel upset, don’t fight it or feel bad about it. The other thing I would say is talking, don’t bottle it all up, talk to your Husband talk to your best mate. This can be a very lonely journey but it doesn’t have to be. Don’t give yourself dates to work towards either, so don’t say you want to fall pregnant before Christmas because if it doesn’t happen then it’s just going to feel even worse. Try to take it a day at a time and remember there is a plan in place now. xxx
08/10/2014 at 12:40
Claire is right, you've got to allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. Definitely keep communication open with your H, and if there's anyone else you can talk to who understands then that's great. I've found the internet an amazing source of support too - not just here, but there are lots of blogs and groups and so on out there too.
I remember reaching the year point and being absolutely gutted. I'd been aware that TTC could take some time, but with other things that had happened just after our wedding I'd really wanted to hurry it along and have some good news for our families. Obviously it hadn't happened, so we went on a consolation trip to New York for our first wedding anniversary (AF came along too, she appeared on the plane which was nice!) and we planned to go to the GP and see about getting tests done and whatever. At that point, I genuinely thought that by the time our second wedding anniversary came around, I'd be pg. Obviously that didn't happen, and a couple of months beforehand we'd been told we were in the unexplained category and we'd have to go away for another year and keep trying before they'd start the process of referring us for treatment. So last October, a few weeks before our consultant appointment to talk about the referral, we decided on a whim to go to Orlando for 5 nights.
I was unbelievably reluctant for over 3 years to make any plans long term. I always hoped that the BFP would come and then the plans wouldn't be an option. As sad as it is to say, over time I did come to accept that for whatever reason, it just wasn't happening for us and something flipped a switch in me that made me think it was time I started planning for the BFP not to come - and then if it does, it's a bonus. And if it doesn't, I'm not missing out and I've got something nice to distract me a bit.
I agree with Claire about not putting pressure on yourself to be pg by a particluar date as well, that really hasn't worked out well for me. It's completely normal for some cycles to be harder to deal with than others, don't beat yourself up for that. Sometimes it's "easy" to accept and bounce back fairly quickly, and others it does leave you feeling completely crushed. You have to allow yourself to grieve, it's the loss of a hope and a dream and absolutely deserves to be acknowledged if you feel the need to. If there's one thing I've learned throughout this whole journey, it's that you have to be kind to yourself, put yourself first and do whatever you need to do to get yourself through the dark times xxx
08/10/2014 at 12:55
I'm 19 or 20 months in now so I guess that's long term, sometimes I cope sometimes I don't! At first like the others have said you think well lets not do this in case I'm pregnant or not book that. I also used to think I'll be pregnant by this occasion or that occasion, but now I don't think like that. I don't plan anything around TTC.
I've realised that if I need to cry I just have to do it, if I keep it bottled up it can lead to epic breakdowns. I'm trying to relax more, go for massages, treat myself, and I've given up tracking anything other than the first day of AF. Sometimes I try and look on the bright side that we can afford more than we could if we had a baby.
I'm not looking forward to Christmas, that is a milestone I find upsetting, to me Christmas is about children and I will feel sad then.
I truly believe that no one who hasn't been through this can understand how devastating it is, but talking to people that do understand really does help. And happy news like Claire Lou's is a great tonic and gives me hope x
08/10/2014 at 13:13
Oh Dolly that made me really teary thank you. I'm so glad that I can give people hope because I went through 4 years of trying, and 12 months of fertility treatment, I hope I can be one of these that says, "it can happen" and I a, proof of that. x
LuLu - It will happen my lovely, it's just a matter of when! Not if! x
08/10/2014 at 13:48
Thanks so much for your lovely replies, I feel so bad posting this when I know you ladies have been in this for much longer so I really do appreciate you taking the time to reply. I think I am just having one of those months and going for tests is a bit of milestone so maybe that is why. I am also dreading Christmas so maybe that is another reason I am finding it harder.
Yes Claire stories like your are fantastic and definitely give hope, I heard a freind of a freind yesterday who conceived after 4 IVF cycles which did put a smile on my face as I think she is amazing for sticking with and so deserves it.
The support on this board is fantastic, feeling a little better now xx
08/10/2014 at 14:04
I had a bit of a meltdown last month Lulu, it was also the month we first saw the consultant. I think you're right its a milestone, one we all hope we never reach which might be why we are more emotional that month.
It can and will happen for us, and it will be all the more special when it does xx
08/10/2014 at 15:04
Lulu, those of us who have been at this game for longer remember exactly how we felt at your stage. Taking the step to go for tests is a milestone, and it's natural to have a bit of a wobble about it - nobody ever wants to find themselves in the position of wondering if there's something medically amiss. I've also struggled with Christmas since we started TTC, partly for the reason of not having our much-wanted baby - it's a time where you do focus on family and it's shoved in your face from all angles that it's "all about the kids" - the next person to say that to me might just find my fist in their face! It's also a reminder that we've reached the end of another calendar year and we're no closer than we were the year before.
There are always stories of hope out there, Claire is one of them, Ducky is another. Lamby and Smarties from my MTTC days on Hitched, along with a few others that had IVF around the same time. I also know 2 women personally who had IVF, one was ICSI due to male factor, fell pg and then found themselves surprisingly pg naturally only a year or so after having their first babies. I have another friend who had a lot of trouble TTC and had just started the fertility tests. She was told one month that she wasn't oving, and then 2 months later she was pg. Miracles are out there, they really do happen.
08/10/2014 at 16:53
We tried for nearly two years before I fell pregnant. We both found it hard. Talking to each other helped. I kept positive by not allowing it to take over my life. We never changed holiday plans or 'life' plans or postponed anything just in case of a BFP. I also never tested early but did do things like temping, to get a hold on how my body worked if nothing else. I did find myself actively avoiding talking about children/babies with people and I also hid a few Facebook friends who updated constantly about every tiny thing their child did. But I was never rude to anyone, and I think I hid my feelings well as most people thought we'd conceived very quickly. Be kind to yourself, it's so hard at times.
What really kept it in perspective for me was a good friend who had been trying for two years longer than us. They had been through several failed IVFs attempts and had to make very difficult decisions, but always stayed upbeat. I figured if she could do it after all she'd been through so could I. Amazingly she fell pregnant the same time as me and gave birth a week before me.
09/10/2014 at 09:21
Thanks again ladies you really have made me feel better and I know it's going to be hard but I can do this as all you have shown it can happen. Raincloud that is lovely about your freind how amazing love hearing stories like that.
ST what you said about Christmas is exactly how I feel about it this year but you are all right it will be our turn soon and it will be so special when it is.
I think the appointment has hit hard which I why I felt so bad this week, definitely feeling more upbeat today I can and will get through this and it will be so worth it all in the end xx
09/10/2014 at 09:50
"it will be so worth it all in the end" - this is exactly what you have to bear in mind Lulu, this will get you through the hardest times. The journey may well be awful, but that is only going to make the rewards so much sweeter!
11/10/2014 at 13:08
I didn't cope. I ended up going to CBT which really did change my life. I realised that my coping mechanisms in life in general were ***, and it took TTC to make me realise how unable I was to cope. CBT helped me to relinquish control and appreciate that I couldn't be in full control of every aspect of my life. It still helps me now with work pressures and other life stresses, and for anyone who isn't coping right now I would fully recommend it. It isn't counselling, you barely touch on your childhood, it's very specific retraining your mind to look at things in a different way, and training yourself to respond differently to bad situations. Hugs to all who need them
13/10/2014 at 17:22
I had gd days & bad days but the bad days were starting to take over the good. I actually was diagnosed with primary infertility & cancer on the same day - a year ago this week.
So I was in a very dark place. My parents were wonderful & my husband so desperate to be a dad never once made me feel bad about it (his SA was clear).
I kept busy. I ate things that you can't in pregnant, enjoyed alcohol on occasions. I guess I found out I am stronger than I ever knew & somehow put it to the back of my mind for a lot of the time but when friends announced their pregnancies or I seen a baby it just gutted me & put me into a downer for days. I concentrated on my other surgery.
There is nothing wrong with getting upset ie crying yourself to sleep but putting life on hold /making plans around sthing that might be is not healthy so we tried to live as normally as we could.
14/10/2014 at 09:49
Saffron - I'm glad the cbt helped, so glad you are in a better place now x
SaSaSi - Your post has put things into perspective for me, how on earth did you cope being diagnosed with primary infertility and cancer?! You are a strong lady and your family and husband sound like they were a great support. So glad things worked out for you x
15/10/2014 at 10:23
Honestly I just got on with everything because what other choice did I have ? Sounds an awful lot easier than it was but i hope that makes sense.
Try to be grateful for your OH, job, house etc & FX a family will slot into place with that.
I was in a running club & it was a great way of meeting folk who knew next to nothing about me, getting fresh air & exercise. Sometimes being with people who know all your problems isn't productive.
15/10/2014 at 11:19
SaSaSi, you are a true inspiration! x
15/10/2014 at 18:31
SaSaSi, your post has put things into perspective for me also. I've been struggling with it so much recently but you are truly inspirational. Thank you. X
15/10/2014 at 22:10
Glad that's it's helped...but honestly there is always always someone worse off then yourself (including me) but in difficult times it's so hard to count your blessings rather than your disappointments.
Hugest congratulations Claire Lou, fabulous news & all the vibes in the world to you for an uneventful pregnancy x
16/10/2014 at 09:22
Thank you SaSaSi x
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