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Trying to conceive
22/08/2014 at 19:33
My boyfriend and I have known each other for 2yrs but have been together a few months. We never really talked about having kids so when we found out we were expecting he was happy. But then I noticed his emotions changing. I lost our baby on 7/19. He didn't/doesn't show any emotion. We planned to try again although we weren't trying the first time, but everytime we have sex he pulls out. I feel he only agreed to try again because I said I want to. What should I do? I really want to have a baby!
23/08/2014 at 01:09
Hi hun, so sorry to read of your loss. I just wanted to say that sometimes men don't find it easy to share or bare their emotions especially when it comes to something like misscarriage and it is still very soon for you both. It's I.important to remember that misscarriages affect couples in different ways but it's never easy to get through. Maybe his apprehension to try again comes from a fear of another loss and it's his way of protecting himself against that??
The most important or the ONLY thing that's gotten myself and dh through those losses is talking to each other, at a time when we were both ready to of course. Communication is so important at a time like this and that's easy to forget.
I hope all works out well for you hun xxxx
26/08/2014 at 11:35
Some men just don't show emotion, as keepthefaith says. My husband is a 'bottler', keeping it all inside, working it out in his head and then he's fine.
What you're saying about you wanting a baby and him maybe not - this is the absolute key though. You don't need me to tell you that this is a child you will be bringing into the world, a life-time commitment to each other and another human being who needs you both - you BOTH have to be 100% on board. You might be as ready as you'll ever be, but if he's not, should you be trying??
Again, my husband and I had this exact situation in that I was ready, he just wasn't. I couldn't make him to want a child! Imagine if it were the other way round and he wanted a child and you didn't - would you want him to almost force you into the idea to become pregnant? Eventually, we talked about it for ages and ages, why it would be good, what would it change in our relationship and in our lives, the financial impact, etc, and then decided when we'd officially start trying. He needed time and I'm happy I gave him that; we both needed to be fully committed, not just me pushing him. It's not up to one partner to make the other feel bad about something like creating a child - it's their feelings, just the same as the other person.
My best friends lost their baby at 13 weeks and although they'd been married 2 years, it still had a massive impact on their relationship. She wanted to try again straight away to 'heal' her; he didn't, at all, needed time to grieve. Luckily, he told her that straight away, they talked about it and after a few months, he felt like he'd processed it all and was ready to try again. For her to put that pressure on him would just have been wrong. Also, would it have been wrong for the baby to be conceived, knowing one partner really didn't want it?
Perhaps the miscarriage and the way you were feeling made him desperately want to make you happy again by agreeing...I don't know. Key to this, I think, is to sit and talk about it - the loss of your baby before can't have easy to get through under any circumstances but likewise, if he isn't ready for a child now, or is only agreeing to make you happy, this could lead to real problems in the future. He might have been happy with your baby who died, but perhaps reality hit home and it's terrified him.
Like I say, it's a lifetime commitment to each other as well as a child - far more of a commitment than marriage, I would say, and that is a HUGE amount to process, especially if you're quite new as a couple. Like you say, you've only been together a short time, you're adapting to life as a couple. If it does turn out he isn't ready right this minute, it doesn't mean he'll never be ready
I think us women generally know when we're ready but for men, often, it's harder, I guess because it's a more abstract concept for them because everything physical happens to us. Also with miscarriages, it's a physical thing for women, but men just have to observe it which can make it hard to deal with because they are utterly out of control. Plus men are generally emotionally deficient anyway...lol!
Just talk to him Wishing you loads of luck xx
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